Work in progress Sci-Fi story: Need opinions on character + style

[AWhoopsieDaisy]

I've got three questions and a little two paragraph excerpt to read.

1) Is the narrating character funny or annoying?

2) Should I change this to third person instead of first? (I'm really on the fence about it)

3) What gender do you think the narrator is? (This one's just for shits and giggles. I won't be offended if you get it wrong.)

Excerpt:

'Hearts not parts' is a really stupid slogan. I for one am the complete opposite. Which is why most of my sexual escapades end with some poor schmuck waking up alone, wondering where the ship's warp drive went. One of my nastier habits on a list of many. That list doesn't include caring what people think of me so, whatever.


Commitments are not really my thing. I live life on the fast lane and don't have time to stick around. At least I usually don't. Tonight's a little different in more ways than one. Been here at the bar on the outskirts of the asteroid belt for a solid fifteen minutes and nobody's offered to buy me a drink. Electric blue hair, dark eyes, best jokes in the room and the fastest ship in the galaxy. At the expense of sounding cocky, I'm kinda hot shit. But business has been slow and nobody seems to be taking an interest.

 

[ElectricBlue]

First impression - the narrator is flippant and likely to get annoying. But, too early to really tell where the story is going. The protagonist reads as if they're very young.

The tone would change a lot if this was told in third person, I think.

There aren't enough gender clues in these two paragraphs. Given it's a space opera, the protagonist could be any gender, any alien race.

 

[surferjake]

Hmm... not exactly funny, but not annoying. I would say they are obnoxious, and clueless about being so. Will depend a lot on where the character development goes if it was comedic in a "thinks they are hot shit but in reality is a complete tool" in a Cal from Space Team sort of way.

I don't think the swagger would work as well in a third person way.. but it could. It's two different styles that end up having further repercussions - first person they won't be aware (nor the reader) about what other people are thinking (typically), unless you cheat and have first-person mixed with 3rd person narration. But that can get funky.

Seems like a woman from the last sentences, but def has the stereotypical male perspective in the first bit.

 

[ElliottEden]

Where the ship's warp drive went? Uhm... Sounds like a critical engineering failure. Could be interesting as in "well might as well fuck that Arcturian Poontang since we'll be stuck here forever..." The imagery could be spectacular.

The first officer lowered it's primary sexual parts over the captains mouth. But then the ship shuddered and alarm klaxons shrieked. The officer scuttled off their captain and with a tentacle flipped the intercom repeater switch on the panel above the bed's headboard.

"Captain Ramit to Engineering!" That's when the grinding ripping sound that was more felt then heard told him what was wrong. "My god - close bulkheads and prepare to jettison fusion one" he thundered, his rampant cock still demanding to be serviced. "No time now" he thought to himself.

A pity. It was rare that the colony creature who was his first officer ever deigned to have sex with a species outside of theirs. Well, he had a ship to run and an emergency to handle.

 

[jsmiam]

I've got three questions and a little two paragraph excerpt to read.

1) Is the narrating character funny or annoying?

2) Should I change this to third person instead of first? (I'm really on the fence about it)

3) What gender do you think the narrator is? (This one's just for shits and giggles. I won't be offended if you get it wrong.)

1. Neither, but not so cocky to make people fully dislike the main character. Nothing wrong with it. .
2. I like it the way it is, but your call. (Your story too).
3. Not many female schmucks, so making that comment makes me assume female.

 

[AWhoopsieDaisy]

Thank yall so much for the responses.

The narrator is Female. Her name is Zero and she's a ship engineer/pilot of a tiny but sturdy 1 to 2 person ship (Basically a modified dingy). She's a scrapper, someone who scavenges out of production parts from shipwrecks and sells them to people working on restoring vintage ships. She knows what ships have what parts and is no stranger to seducing her way onboard to steal whatever part she needs for either her own engineering or a client's. Sometimes she sleeps around for fun too.

Story wise it's sort of a monster of the week style thing. Each chapter features a new human/alien to fuck and can generally be read out of order. At least that's the goal. This is very much still a work in progress. I've got a bunch of writing an illustration to do before any of it's ready to submit.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/950439758402826343/951912836739760199/JACKPOT_ZERO_SKETCHES_COLORED.jpg

 

[shelleyfaggirl]

Thank yall so much for the responses.

The narrator is Female. Her name is Zero and she's a ship engineer/pilot of a tiny but sturdy 1 to 2 person ship (Basically a modified dingy). She's a scrapper, someone who scavenges out of production parts from shipwrecks and sells them to people working on restoring vintage ships. She knows what ships have what parts and is no stranger to seducing her way onboard to steal whatever part she needs for either her own engineering or a client's. Sometimes she sleeps around for fun too.

Story wise it's sort of a monster of the week style thing. Each chapter features a new human/alien to fuck and can generally be read out of order. At least that's the goal. This is very much still a work in progress. I've got a bunch of writing an illustration to do before any of it's ready to submit.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/950439758402826343/951912836739760199/JACKPOT_ZERO_SKETCHES_COLORED.jpg

I like!

 

[TheRedChamber]

My take on it would be that it's laid on a bit thick - in those two short paragraphs she's defining herself openly as a thief, arrogant, immoral, lacking in social skills, and impatient. You've got the 'fastest ship in the galaxy' and 'cocky' in the same line of text, so she's also channelling Han Solo a bit strongly. If the style settles down a bit later it might work. There's not really a gag in the paragraphs, so it's not really funny - 'hearts rather than parts' could potentially be one if it's set up more, but we don't understand the relevance of it yet. 'The better things to do' gag is good though.

 

[SimonDoom]

There's nothing wrong with having a smartass, cocky female space pilot as your first person POV narrator, but if I were you I would dial it back, just a bit. To my ear, it comes off too strong and is a bit alienating. Let her personality get revealed in dialogue with others, rather than just by her talking shit to the reader.

Also, if you're going to have a smartass narrator, have the narrator do something decent or worthy in the story early on so the reader cares about her, at least a little.

 

[Mastered_again]

It took me several reads to comprehend the context, but sci-fi is not much of my reading list. A little background would have been helpful. It's difficult to judge without knowing something about the character. I can't decide if she's endearingly funny or just a smart ass I'd like to forget