Words of Wisdom from the AH Patriarch

[Rumple Foreskin]

As the duly elected AH Patriarch, I've been derelict in my self-appointed duty of passing on sage words of wisdom to the AH faithful. Consider yourself lucky. But nothing lasts forever, including your good luck. Here are five profound points to ponder in 2005.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one of us without an erection, make a sandwich!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.

Feel free to add your own.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

What a guy.

 

[rgraham666]

Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.

Thanks Rumple. Really needed this one.

There is a particular person who I would like to see fall down the stairs, many times.

 

[Kassiana]

If the first sentence of a story you're reading goes something like this: OMG i just to rite this cuz i cnt belive this ppl...Don't read any further. You'll just get a headache.

There are still people living today who believe that people who dress "immodestly" cause their own rapes, and that there is no way to rape someone who doesn't somehow want sex. I met one today. Exact quotes: "The thing here is this, if you were dressed modest, or if you were going the speed limit (or slower) would you have still been raped..." "If a person does not want to have sex, rape will not happen."

"I never met a man I didn't like." - Will Rogers
"Will Rogers never met a law professor, then." - Dean of my law school

 

[shereads]

Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs.

Feel free to add your own.

Can't hope to top that one.

 

[nikkijames]

Great words.
Loved them all

 

[Evil Alpaca]

Funny stuff.

"If it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

 

[fifty5]

If you try to make nice, you'll still get slapped in the face with a wet fish.

It's still worth the effort, 'cause the alternative is even worse!

And to paraphrase Rumple, "If your parents didn't have kids, the chances are that you won't either!"

 

[shereads]

"If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all on the moon?"*














*Does not express poster's personal sentiment toward men. It's just funny.

 

[fifty5]

Oh yeah...

Don't believe that if you don't smoke, you won't die!

 

[shereads]

"To block hats; that is everything."

~ Woody Allen in "Without Feathers," attributed to his father.

 

[Guest]

Never let your mother comb your hair when she's mad at your father.

 

[goro goro]

If you try to make nice, you'll still get slapped in the face with a wet fish.

Reading this, I had a sudden Monty Python flashback abou the two guys at the canal slapping each other with fish. Thanks for my first laugh today, fifty.

 

[fifty5]

Reading this, I had a sudden Monty Python flashback abou the two guys at the canal slapping each other with fish. Thanks for my first laugh today, fifty.

Genuinely glad to have given you a laugh. Still expect to be slapped!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Reading this, I had a sudden Monty Python flashback abou the two guys at the canal slapping each other with fish. Thanks for my first laugh today, fifty.

You mean a fish slap, like this?

http://www.lusuma.com/social/photos/intro2/tn_P9160050.jpg

Rumple Foreskin

 

[SeaCat]

Pregnancy is the original S.T.D.

Forceing a story or a scene is like sitting on the Toilet. You'll work it out in the end, but it's going to stink.

Cat

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Pregnancy is the original S.T.D.
Cat

Love it.

 

[fifty5]

Having kids is hereditary: If your parents didn't have any children, you won't either.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Having kids is hereditary: If your parents didn't have any children, you won't either.

That puts the PRO in profound. Right along with SeaCats' observation about pregnancy being the original S.T.D..

Rumple Foreskin

 

[shereads]

Dear AH Patriarch,

Have you considered applying your wisdom to an advice column? Sort of a "Dear Abby" thread to help the pornographers, insomniacs, porn groupies, pantyhose fetishists, bigamists, sufferers of Multiple Personality Disorder, manic-depressives, regular depressives, teenaged boys, the mothers the boys followed here, and the assorted divas, bitches, trolls, perverts, pedophiles, prison trustees, sociopaths, serial masturbators, and Canadians who wander through the Hangout?

You could give advice on basic home repairs, for example.

Cheerfully,

Your Anonymous Fan

 

[rikaaim]

If drugs are used and implied for hypertension, high blood pressure, erectile dsyfunction, etc...

Why would you take them? Who would want to take a pill that gives them erectile dysfunction?

In the same regard...

When a doctor writes a prescription for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra...and the directions read; Take one pill as needed for sex, does that mean that taking the pill automatically causes sex? If so then many more people, gender aside, would start taking one of those meds.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Dear AH Patriarch,

Have you considered applying your wisdom to an advice column? Sort of a "Dear Abby" thread to help the pornographers, insomniacs, porn groupies, pantyhose fetishists, bigamists, sufferers of Multiple Personality Disorder, manic-depressives, regular depressives, teenaged boys, the mothers the boys followed here, and the assorted divas, bitches, trolls, perverts, pedophiles, prison trustees, sociopaths, serial masturbators, and Canadians who wander through the Hangout?

You could give advice on basic home repairs, for example.

Cheerfully,

Your Anonymous Fan

Have you considered applying your wisdom to an advice column?

NO. To be more specific, hell no. How do you think I managed to hang around long enough to become a patriarch?

Rumple Foreskin

ps: Loved your list of potential, "helpees". It reminded me of the list Hedley Lamar (Harvey Korman) gave Taggart (Slim Pickens) in Blazing Saddles:

I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down: I want rustlers, cutthraots, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, horse wagglers, horse thiefs, bullbags, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, and Methodists!

 

[Guest]

I like the French Mistake.

Throw out your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
You'll be surprised
You're doing the French Mistake!
Voila!

Blazing Saddles is such a classic.

 

[shereads]

Have you considered applying your wisdom to an advice column?

NO. To be more specific, hell no.

No advice at all? Stubborn drain clogs? Recipes? Pleading to the lesser charge of public indecency vs. fighting a sodomy conviction in rural Mississippi? Fine. Think of no one but yourself. Who needs so-called 'help,' anyway.

(Ahem: Rumple, you don't think I made the serial masturbators feel bad by lumping them in with the perverts and the Canadians, do you?)

ps: Loved your list of potential, "helpees". It reminded me of the list Hedley Lamar (Harvey Korman) gave Taggart (Slim Pickens) in Blazing Saddles:

I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down: I want rustlers, cutthraots, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, horse wagglers, horse thiefs, bullbags, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, and Methodists!

"Dang. Now somebody's got to go back and get a shitl**d of dimes."

 

[shereads]

Re: I like the French Mistake.

Throw out your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
You'll be surprised
You're doing the French Mistake!
Voila!

Eee! I loved that dance.