Wonderings

[JagFarlane]

I find...often that I tend to wonder quite a bit on things, on my life, my family, this country, the world. My mind rambles oft with thoughts of things have occured, things that may, things that will. As such, I'm tossing up this thread as more just a way to keep track of the thoughts. Some things will offend, hell most probably will, but then again, can one really not offend at least someone else?

Todays random wondering: Relationships

We spend days, weeks, months, years of our lives searching for that "one true". Effort upon effort is put in by both sexes. Either it be by internet, chat, speed dating, personals ads, bars, social functions, whatever method, we work hard at it. We figure out whats important to us, seek them out, work hard at looking good, polish conversational items, chat with friends, anything we can thing of in order to better attract that person.
After all that work, we've found them. Hours spent on the phone, dates planned, perfect gifts found...what happens? Maybe marriage...who knows.
And yet, in these days and this age...50/50 shot at least one, if not both partners has cheated. We cheat for various reasons, most often for sex. We form bonds with others, depending heavily on them emotionally, or just using them to get our rocks off. Men, women...doesn't matter anymore. The barrier is over, the stereotype is done, both are just as likely to cheat.
So really, why do we get into relationships? We appear to want it, to want monogamy...and yet...even those that seem to have the great marriage, will have an affair, emotional, sexual, intellectual.

 

[Katyusha]

We spend days, weeks, months, years of our lives searching for that "one true". Effort upon effort is put in by both sexes. Either it be by internet, chat, speed dating, personals ads, bars, social functions, whatever method, we work hard at it. We figure out whats important to us, seek them out, work hard at looking good, polish conversational items, chat with friends, anything we can thing of in order to better attract that person.
After all that work, we've found them. Hours spent on the phone, dates planned, perfect gifts found...what happens? Maybe marriage...who knows.
And yet, in these days and this age...50/50 shot at least one, if not both partners has cheated. We cheat for various reasons, most often for sex. We form bonds with others, depending heavily on them emotionally, or just using them to get our rocks off. Men, women...doesn't matter anymore. The barrier is over, the stereotype is done, both are just as likely to cheat.
So really, why do we get into relationships? We appear to want it, to want monogamy...and yet...even those that seem to have the great marriage, will have an affair, emotional, sexual, intellectual.

Monogamy, remember, is a social construct that we force ourselves into. It's something that we're taught from a very early age, so that when we grow up, many of us can't handle the thought of the one we love being with someone else, even if it is "just to get their rocks off." There is so much out there that attempts to explain why people cheat that we automatically believe the problem *must* lie with us when we discover our partner has been unfaithful. The fairy tale that we thought we were living is shattered, and we can't understand why.

Searching for love, searching for "the one" is a search for happiness. We search all over for happiness in a variety of ways. We think love will make us happy. We think money will make us happy. We think lots of friends will make us happy, and so on. The search for happiness is ongoing, neverending, and wholly irrational. As is love.

Our biological nature doesn't necessarily allow for monogamy though, and I use the qualifier "necessarily" because there are people out there who manage never to stray to someone else, even for a single night that their partner cannot find out about. I think the statistics regarding the number of men and women who cheat are misleading at best...I think those numbers are far higher than reported.

It can hurt like hell to find out that your partner is attracted to someone else...and so when we find ourselves attracted to someone else we keep it quiet, fight it or give in to it, and hope they never figure it out because we know how *we'd* feel if the tables were turned. We know how we'd feel just knowing that attraction is there, so even if we decide we're not going to act on it and fight it with everything we have, we still don't want them to know.

But that's the problem. Couples don't really want to talk about this kind of thing. As a society, we want the aforementioned fairy tale. We want "happily ever after." Discussing the possibility of being drawn to others and potentially acting on that lust is a scary proposition to say the least, because it means the fairy tale doesn't exist, at least not for us. We assume that because monogamy is "the norm" our partner will hold the same values as we will.

What's the definition of monogamy? Well, according to Webster's, monogamy is the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime, the state or custom of being married to one person at a time, or the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time. Now, what's *your* definition of monogamy? What stipulations do you attach to it? To you, does monogamy simply mean no physically sexual or romantic attachments to others as long as you're together? Or does it include things like cybersex, phone sex, flirting, having dinner with a friend of the opposite sex, etc.?

Now, what's your definition of an affair? Is it *any* physical or romantic activity with someone other than your partner, even with their full knowledge and consent? Or is it only an affair if it includes deceit? These are the things that couples need to discuss...and on a much deeper and more detailed level than "where do you stand on affairs? Oh, it means the relationship is over? Yeah me too."

Honestly, I think finding "the one" would be a far more fruitful search for most of us if we understood that these things need to be discussed, and preferably before things get too serious. We don't just need someone that we understand, and who understands us in turn. We also need someone who defines these things the same way we do.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

KATY

Seems like youve never been in love.

JAG

To find the right partner you must know yourself very well. I can walk thru the mall and pick out every woman who'd be poison for me, and know almost nothing about them BUT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM FROM THE FEELINGS I GET. So I avoid these women like AIDS.

The women I do best with are super-duper high-octane smart. The women who scare sissy boys shitless. But theyre not the women who producea SPROIIING in my pants.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

My take on this is that finding the "one true soulmate" is a mug's game. A long term marriage isn't based on Romance, it's based on "friendship with benefits." Find someone you get along with, share some common interests and if they 'stray' but come back to you at night, what's your problem? So long as your partner is smart enough to be safe, you can do just fine. Perhaps it's better if you don't know, perhaps it's better if you give permission from the get-go. I'm not the sort to recommend organized swinging for very many people but there are those who find it just fine.

In the end? Lighten up! Learn to laugh together. Being hard to please just gets you pleased less often.

 

[impressive]

Monogamy, remember, is a social construct that we force ourselves into. It's something that we're taught from a very early age, so that when we grow up, many of us can't handle the thought of the one we love being with someone else, even if it is "just to get their rocks off." There is so much out there that attempts to explain why people cheat that we automatically believe the problem *must* lie with us when we discover our partner has been unfaithful. The fairy tale that we thought we were living is shattered, and we can't understand why.

Searching for love, searching for "the one" is a search for happiness. We search all over for happiness in a variety of ways. We think love will make us happy. We think money will make us happy. We think lots of friends will make us happy, and so on. The search for happiness is ongoing, neverending, and wholly irrational. As is love.

Our biological nature doesn't necessarily allow for monogamy though, and I use the qualifier "necessarily" because there are people out there who manage never to stray to someone else, even for a single night that their partner cannot find out about. I think the statistics regarding the number of men and women who cheat are misleading at best...I think those numbers are far higher than reported.

It can hurt like hell to find out that your partner is attracted to someone else...and so when we find ourselves attracted to someone else we keep it quiet, fight it or give in to it, and hope they never figure it out because we know how *we'd* feel if the tables were turned. We know how we'd feel just knowing that attraction is there, so even if we decide we're not going to act on it and fight it with everything we have, we still don't want them to know.

But that's the problem. Couples don't really want to talk about this kind of thing. As a society, we want the aforementioned fairy tale. We want "happily ever after." Discussing the possibility of being drawn to others and potentially acting on that lust is a scary proposition to say the least, because it means the fairy tale doesn't exist, at least not for us. We assume that because monogamy is "the norm" our partner will hold the same values as we will.

What's the definition of monogamy? Well, according to Webster's, monogamy is the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime, the state or custom of being married to one person at a time, or the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time. Now, what's *your* definition of monogamy? What stipulations do you attach to it? To you, does monogamy simply mean no physically sexual or romantic attachments to others as long as you're together? Or does it include things like cybersex, phone sex, flirting, having dinner with a friend of the opposite sex, etc.?

Now, what's your definition of an affair? Is it *any* physical or romantic activity with someone other than your partner, even with their full knowledge and consent? Or is it only an affair if it includes deceit? These are the things that couples need to discuss...and on a much deeper and more detailed level than "where do you stand on affairs? Oh, it means the relationship is over? Yeah me too."

Honestly, I think finding "the one" would be a far more fruitful search for most of us if we understood that these things need to be discussed, and preferably before things get too serious. We don't just need someone that we understand, and who understands us in turn. We also need someone who defines these things the same way we do.

Well said, Kat.