women: how to approach through a PM...

[boutrosboutros]

Online, as with "real life" there are people I meet that I do not click with, that I have no interest in spending time with again, who do not inspire me to engage them further. However, every now and then I will come across someone who "fits" and brings something great to my world, and that is worth weeding through the "misfits" every single time.

I agree. There are a handful of people I've met here who that's true of. It's strange how chemistry can work even through the internet.

 

[bigrlnsocal]

Ok, things that irritate me about the pms I receive from guys: -

• Uberbrief fucktard 'wanna chat' pms - obvs.
• Bravado pms telling me stuff about the sender that just makes me roll my eyes e.g. horny dad (why?), 8in uncut (looks great from here love) etc.
• Obvious copy/paste pms.
• Atrocious SPG and textspeak.
• Guys with absolutely no profile info. Also guys to obviously play the 'politician game' and enthusiastically agree with absolutely everything I say.
• Guys who have manifestly failed to even glance at my profile.
• Guys who ask questions that are too personal for 1st contact. Recently got asked out of the blue why I left the JWs. It was a complex decision made over a long period of time. I'm not invested enough to write you an essay.
• Moronic 'I wanna throw u down and fuck you rigid with my 12in cock' BS. How original.
• Guys who want pics straightaway. Any blatantly porn induced instant gratification mentality.
• Random requests for cyber and cams. Obvious 'one handed typists' desperately spamming until someone's bored enough to watch them blow a load on cam. (incidentally, just WTF do men get out of this when they could be watching porn?)

So what do I respond favourably to?

Basically I give as good as I get. Give this and you get this. Simple.

I like guys who are witty and interesting without sending me an essay outlining their awesomeness. I like guys who are interested in me as a person as well as a fuck. Guys who are curious about me but don't expect to hear my life story straight-away, who don't ask too much about my movements or attempt to get stupidly controlling for a pm acquaintance. Ask for pictures a little way down the line and even offer one first. I respond to men who are intelligent, erudite and articulate with good SPG.

It's about seduction. Throw in some banter. Tease. Give me something to push back against.

I think things should start light and brief before gradually becoming longer and more intimate.

Accept when there's no chemistry building and be gracious in defeat. Don't pester till you're put on ignore. You have no automatic right to my time.

I don't think it's rocket science. I also think that if you're constantly on the receiving end of terse pms then it's you who's the common denominator.

Get feedback. Ask girls who have gone reticent where you fucked up.

Finally and most importantly take absolutely nothing personally. Nobody's thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you are.

What she ^^^ said. Being new here, I have gotten my fair share of unsolicited PM's. Not all have been in the above 'do not do category' but some have. I admit to replying back with a sarcastic reply, which later, makes me feel bad. If I do find the person's PM interesting, I don't hesitate to reply back. I'm glad I've done that with the ones I converse with daily. I realize this isn't a dating site and we are all here for different reasons but I do believe that the same premise applies here as in the real world...seduce, flirt, get to know me. Take me on a virtual date, ask about my day. Don't just try to get in my pants (I can take care of myself in that respect, if I must). Read my profile first. Asking me about the man in my life lets me know you didn't read it. Okay, enough about what I want. Thanks to the OP for starting the thread.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I have a feeling that it skips the minds of many of the male PM ers that the ladies here are not paid employees of Lit and are here on our own agendas.
More than half the PM's I receive are from people with less than 50 posts and no profiles, these I generally will not respond to, unless they are asking a reasonable question, asking for genuine help with an issue or say something other the usual "how are you"

It seems bizarre that people, who I have never spoken to on any of the threads, feel the need to post me walls of text explaining their wank fantasies. Honestly, I am just not interested.
After being polite in my rejection, many hundreds of times, it feels that the message just isn't getting through. I am happy to be friends with people and spend the time of day, but I am not interested in your fantasies and if I wish to share mine, I will, on the threads publicly, and that is where I will comment on them if anyone wishes to discuss them.

I am sorry that some of you fellas don't like the asshattery board, so here's the thing. Stop sending inane, ridiculous wank fantasies to girls that you have never even bothered to introduce yourselves to and we will stop posting them!

Do we have a deal?

 

[boutrosboutros]

I have a feeling that it skips the minds of many of the male PM ers that the ladies here are not paid employees of Lit and are here on our own agendas.
More than half the PM's I receive are from people with less than 50 posts and no profiles, these I generally will not respond to, unless they are asking a reasonable question, asking for genuine help with an issue or say something other the usual "how are you"

It seems bizarre that people, who I have never spoken to on any of the threads, feel the need to post me walls of text explaining their wank fantasies. Honestly, I am just not interested.
After being polite in my rejection, many hundreds of times, it feels that the message just isn't getting through. I am happy to be friends with people and spend the time of day, but I am not interested in your fantasies and if I wish to share mine, I will, on the threads. Pubically, and that is where I will comment on them if anyone wishes to discuss them.

I am sorry that some of you fellas don't like the asshattery board, so here's the thing. Stop sending inane, ridiculous wank fantasies to girls that you have never even bothered to introduce yourselves to and we will stop posting them!

Do we have a deal?

Dunno about all of that, but the word I bolded is a fantastic spelling mistake given the context.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Dunno about all of that, but the word I bolded is a fantastic spelling mistake given the context.

Not a bad percentage considering I have no spell checker on my phone.

 

[seven_of_nine]

I don't think any sensible male here doesn't know all of that already. (Admittedly that probably means the number of sensible males here is rather small.) The OP's complaint is more about how, frankly, boring quite a lot of women here are to interact with, although he didn't use those words. That's the word I'd use, though. I don't mean sexually - I just mean as somebody to converse with online.

And that comment doesn't come from bitterness about failure or me thinking I'm God's gift. Honest.

I know it's all pretty much common sense. It just strikes me that if the OP is on the receiving end of consistently short pms, he's obviously failing to sell himself in some way. I thought that maybe posting what I would respond to might be helpful.

But hey, I'm not about to weep if it was a wasted effort.

 

[Que]

"Advice for Women on how to approach Men through PM."

There have been some interesting tangents on the thread. I think partially because the thread title should have been: "Advice for Women on how to approach Men through PM."

There's no shortage of advice of do'd and "HELL NO!" don'ts for men on how to approach women. I readily admit that I commit my share of egregious offenses. Mostly TL;DR examples but a few ass-hat pm thread worthy missives.

The point was that women have less experience then men about what intrigues and what just baffles.

With men to women, less is more usually.

With women to men, more is more likely to get the dialog going the direction you desire. Throw a brother a bone to gnaw on so to speak.

Admittedly, its a nice compliment whenever a woman steps out of her comfort zone and sends the first pm... My frustration is they leave it so open to interpretation that it often goes a little sideways before heeling over to an even keel. (Assuming it doesn't capsize to continue the metaphor)

I think in hindsight that when I get the female equivalent of "Hey, YOU" I should just treat it as a little tickle of interest and proceed with the exploration as if I had been the initiator.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

There have been some interesting tangents on the thread. I think partially because the thread title should have been: "Advice for Women on how to approach Men through PM."

There's no shortage of advice of do'd and "HELL NO!" don'ts for men on how to approach women. I readily admit that I commit my share of egregious offenses. Mostly TL;DR examples but a few ass-hat pm thread worthy missives.

The point was that women have less experience then men about what intrigues and what just baffles.

With men to women, less is more usually.

With women to men, more is more likely to get the dialog going the direction you desire. Throw a brother a bone to gnaw on so to speak.

Admittedly, its a nice compliment whenever a woman steps out of her comfort zone and sends the first pm... My frustration is they leave it so open to interpretation that it often goes a little sideways before heeling over to an even keel. (Assuming it doesn't capsize to continue the metaphor)

I think in hindsight that when I get the female equivalent of "Hey, YOU" I should just treat it as a little tickle of interest and proceed with the exploration as if I had been the initiator.

Females aren't shy at all about going after men they want, or anything else. So I roll my eyes at all the blabbering about comfort zones and even keels. Most of the time theyre bored or ignored, so don't take the PMs seriously.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Query ~ what's wrong with showing someone the same respect that you would like to have shown to you? I don't pm many men and that's mainly because I only pm what I wouldn't say on the boards (i.e a private message).

What is distressing is for a man to assume because I have sent him a private message that this is the green light to jump in the sack. Most often it is an attempt to simply talk and learn more about him because something he said made me laugh or think.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am this way with everyone~ male or female. So who knows, maybe I am as crazy as JBJ asserts. Although I don't think I am quite shithouse rat crazy. Maybe just pleasantly eccentric?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Query ~ what's wrong with showing someone the same respect that you would like to have shown to you? I don't pm many men and that's mainly because I only pm what I wouldn't say on the boards (i.e a private message).

What is distressing is for a man to assume because I have sent him a private message that this is the green light to jump in the sack. Most often it is an attempt to simply talk and learn more about him because something he said made me laugh or think.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am this way with everyone~ male or female. So who knows, maybe I am as crazy as JBJ asserts. Although I don't think I am quite shithouse rat crazy. Maybe just pleasantly eccentric?

I rate you as a definite MIGHTY MOUSE with your own Macys Parade balloon.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I rate you as a definite MIGHTY MOUSE with your own Macys Parade balloon.

Damn it! I always wanted to be Minnie Mouse. She had the best shoes.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Damn it! I always wanted to be Minnie Mouse. She had the best shoes.

Go drag.

 

[Que]

I'm thinking that instead of having an asshat thread maybe I should start a no I do not like your hat thread...(apologies for lifting the quote from PD Eastmans "go, dog go!")

I don't think I'm making myself clear I don't like to quote people but just to give you an example. This was the one that inspired me to tell women that hey if you want my attention give me some idea what the subject matter is.....no it doesn't Have to be sexual.....but give me a clue.

Subject line: "you"

ENTIRE body of message: continue to intrigue me.

That was it that was the entire message..... this from someone with many many many post many of them quite interesting.

Now who knows what it was that intrigued her but at that particular time I had been off on several semi misogynistic rants.

I dis-Remember exactly what I said but something to the effect of which of my many semi misogynistic rants caught your fancy?

Her next response was "well with that response maybe it was a mistake to PM you!"

My response was "well perhaps it was."

I mean this is roughly the equivalent of phoning somebody and just saying hi and then just waiting for them to fill your day with whatever it was you were hoping to have To have a conversation about.

And the thing is I never experienced this when I'm the one that initiates the first p.m. when I initiate the first p.m. of course if I get a response at all It usually has a lot of nice give-and-take.

What I'm talking about is when the woman initiates the PM and gives the verbal equivalent of batting her eyelashes across the room bar room.

That flirting techniques just does not translate to text. So as I said earlier maybe I should just ignore whatever it is they send in an initial p.m. and then just look at their post and try to decide what if anything I would Have said to them if I were the one initiating it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I say fuck the coy ones. If they got something on their minds say it, don't PM me with 20 questions and nuthin about you. I'll play the game for a few rounds then tell you to fuck off.

 

[SkylarFalling]

I reckon if what she sends you is short, it's ok to send something short back. If I wanna start a proper conversation with a guy, I make that clear, fuck knows what 'most women' do but sending a short message and hoping for an essay doesn't make sense in my mind.

A short exchange is ok. If I only want to tell someone I like what they said, then that is literally all I wanted, and leaving it that is fine. If I want more out, I put more in, and it's highly unlikely I'm the only woman here doing this.

Please do not make broad generalisations about women on Lit. Sure, there probably are a lot of 'damaged' women on here, but there's just as many damaged, crazy women everywhere else. You may only seem to receive PMs from those who don't seem to know how conversation works, but maybe there is a reason you don't get messages from those who do.

 

[hunnyblonde]

I realize that my comment is going to be the opposite of what your thread is about, but if I could find a little thought experiment that I did a while back called "How to write a PM" I'd post it here. I detailed my thoughts, with examples, on the kind of PMs that I think women like to receive, or at least the ones I like to be surprised by. Maybe later tonight I'll have the time to sift through my stuff and see if I can find it.

Unless of course you'd rather I not share it, consider the off-topic nature...

 

[Isana]

Crap. Phone browser crashed and took my essay with it. anyway...

I agree with the OP that it's probably the sender's fault that their conversation went awry. Did she really expect too much and got disappointed with the lack of I-worship-your-beauty-my-goddess reply? Or was there some unknown factor that made their conversation unfavorable? We don't know the full conversation enough to decide. Or it may be that both of you were just having a bad day.

Regardless of the truth, we can see that conversation no-nos come from both genders, regardless of the presentation. Perhaps the best thing we can do at this point is modify or adjust our reactions to these events and just make the best of what we can with what we get? Keep doing what we think is the right way to converse and just keep at it, weeding out the rocks from the gems, because really, aren't they worth it?

 

[boutrosboutros]

I realize that my comment is going to be the opposite of what your thread is about, but if I could find a little thought experiment that I did a while back called "How to write a PM" I'd post it here. I detailed my thoughts, with examples, on the kind of PMs that I think women like to receive, or at least the ones I like to be surprised by. Maybe later tonight I'll have the time to sift through my stuff and see if I can find it.

Unless of course you'd rather I not share it, consider the off-topic nature...

I wonder how you can really say that for sure, though, because I think generally a "good PM" is going to be something unexpectedly interesting, and so by its very nature it's not something you can describe in advance.

That said, in case any ladies are interested, I can for definite say that I like PMs containing pictures of breasts, lurid fantasies (preferably about me), and miscellaneous flattery.

 

[Loverskitten]

There have been some interesting tangents on the thread. I think partially because the thread title should have been: "Advice for Women on how to approach Men through PM."

There's no shortage of advice of do'd and "HELL NO!" don'ts for men on how to approach women. I readily admit that I commit my share of egregious offenses. Mostly TL;DR examples but a few ass-hat pm thread worthy missives.

The point was that women have less experience then men about what intrigues and what just baffles.

With men to women, less is more usually.

With women to men, more is more likely to get the dialog going the direction you desire. Throw a brother a bone to gnaw on so to speak.

Admittedly, its a nice compliment whenever a woman steps out of her comfort zone and sends the first pm... My frustration is they leave it so open to interpretation that it often goes a little sideways before heeling over to an even keel. (Assuming it doesn't capsize to continue the metaphor)

I think in hindsight that when I get the female equivalent of "Hey, YOU" I should just treat it as a little tickle of interest and proceed with the exploration as if I had been the initiator.

Ahhhhh. I was about to respond to your original post but it seems you have come around a bit.

I think, "you intrigue me" is cute and flirtatious. If you were interested, you probably would have responded, "in what way?" But clearly you weren't (or maybe you were snarky that day)
In my online dating experience, I send short and sweet messages, casting my line so to speak. I also enjoy the same as a first message. When I get the TLDR messages, I feel creeped out, annoyed, or guilty depending on the content. I also don't want to waste my time writing a novel to someone who may not be interested at all.

Ahhh the good ole days when all we needed to do was drop a handkerchief.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Then you get the PMs from gals posing as guys wanting to know howcome you put THE GODDESS on iggy. I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM WITH HER IS CUZ SHE'S REALLY NICE.

 

[Que]

Ahhhhh. I was about to respond to your original post but it seems you have come around a bit.

I think, "you intrigue me" is cute and flirtatious. If you were interested, you probably would have responded, "in what way?" But clearly you weren't (or maybe you were snarky that day)
In my online dating experience, I send short and sweet messages, casting my line so to speak. I also enjoy the same as a first message. When I get the TLDR messages, I feel creeped out, annoyed, or guilty depending on the content. I also don't want to waste my time writing a novel to someone who may not be interested at all.

Ahhh the good ole days when all we needed to do was drop a handkerchief.

I was interested (despite it being sparse and no I didn't find it cute and flirtateous merely puzzling)... I did respond and all I got back from her was well it was a mistake to PM you. Wtf?

I realize that my comment is going to be the opposite of what your thread is about, but if I could find a little thought experiment that I did a while back called "How to write a PM" I'd post it here. I detailed my thoughts, with examples, on the kind of PMs that I think women like to receive, or at least the ones I like to be surprised by. Maybe later tonight I'll have the time to sift through my stuff and see if I can find it.

Unless of course you'd rather I not share it, consider the off-topic nature...

Might as well at least half the people are wondering if I'm asking for advice on how to PM women which like you say is the opposite of the point... I think it might be slightly instructor because part of the reason I think we talked pass each other is male female expectations are polar opposites at times.

 

[SkylarFalling]

It's quite hard to find a balance between it being so short that they have nothing to grab onto to respond, and sending a big paragraph and the reaction being a bit "wow. ok. Thanks....."

 

[Lord Pmann]

Although when you normally have your junk hanging out in your av and it's the first thing a girl sees it can be a wee bit off putting

Heeheehee. "Wee".

 

[Amalec]

I think it needs to be said that no matter how well thought out, original or relevant your pm is women have no obligation to respond to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who, say, only responds to men who's profiles contain videos of them literally taking flight via helicopter dick. She is not wrong, or rude, or a bitch for ignoring your pm. She does not owe you her time or her interest.*

Many of these messages are dripping in that same obliviousness we see from the Nice Guys. Seriously, when your post can basically be summarized as "I'm awesome, and all the women who don't realize that are fucking stupid cuntwaffles and all the guys they do respond to are pathetic losers who kiss their feet to get attention" then it's kind of hard to have sympathy when you ask, in the next breath, why women don't respond to your pms.

Have some perspective. Men and women both send shitty PMs. We're not all that different. Honestly, for every 10 PMs a woman on Lit receives, 9 of them are the equivalent of a dude driving past on street and yelling 'show me your tits!' out the window. If 1 in 10 of the PMs you get from women are worth reading, you can probably conclude women aren't any worse than we are. (I suspect their rate of bad PMing is considerably lower, however.)

*The same applies to guys.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I think it needs to be said that no matter how well thought out, original or relevant your pm is women have no obligation to respond to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who, say, only responds to men who's profiles contain videos of them literally taking flight via helicopter dick. She is not wrong, or rude, or a bitch for ignoring your pm. She does not owe you her time or her interest.*

Many of these messages are dripping in that same obliviousness we see from the Nice Guys. Seriously, when your post can basically be summarized as "I'm awesome, and all the women who don't realize that are fucking stupid cuntwaffles and all the guys they do respond to are pathetic losers who kiss their feet to get attention" then it's kind of hard to have sympathy when you ask, in the next breath, why women don't respond to your pms.

Have some perspective. Men and women both send shitty PMs. We're not all that different. Honestly, for every 10 PMs a woman on Lit receives, 9 of them are the equivalent of a dude driving past on street and yelling 'show me your tits!' out the window. If 1 in 10 of the PMs you get from women are worth reading, you can probably conclude women aren't any worse than we are. (I suspect their rate of bad PMing is considerably lower, however.)

*The same applies to guys.

Theres a sexual difference. Women window shop and men are after a score. And women always buy whats 2 sizes too small.