Witness of Desire

[Kingskitten]

Hi, I've been reading on this site forever and my friends finally convinced me to submit one of my short stories. Would really love some honest opinions and suggestions to improve. Any comments would be very welcome. Thank you
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=218313

 

[Boratus]

not bad for your first story

It's a nice scene. Very visual. I could see it happening clearly. There were two problems I had with it: 1) and this is just Me. I don't like you/I stories, the main reason being that you can easily form a disconnect if the reader is not of the same sex or mental state as the "you" in the story. This results in the loss of your audience. 2) Watch your use of "your" vs. "you're" ESPECIALLY in a you/I story.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I echo what Boratus says. You won't be taken seriously as a writer until you drop the "I/you" business Second-person stories are just daydreams, not stories.

He's right about the "your/you're" thing too. You've got it exactly backwards: "you're" is a contraction of "you are;" "your" is the possessive form of "you."

Imaginative sex though, and that's the important part.

Watch the rhythm of your sentences in the last paragraph too. That para's too long, and the short, declarative sentences start to grate on the ear after a while.

 

[Kingskitten]

Thanks

I appreciate the time you've given to me. Gives me things to work on. thank you.