Without Form and Void

[RolandQ]

Even for me, this is an odd story - I'm interested in feedback and reviews. I ask pardon of anyone my story may offend. Roland

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

How about a link?

 

[sr71plt]

Gave no clue even on the story title, but there are two on his story list:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1983306&page=submissions

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Looks like it wasn't posted yet when he started the thread:

http://www.literotica.com/s/without-form-and-void

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

OK, now that I've read it, I think you have a great story idea and some fine execution with a significant pacing problem. The second portion, even though it's important to explain the metaphysics of what's going on, is jarring after the very intimate and mundane (in the good way) details of Brad's thoughts in the first part.

I like the idea of him being so taken with Angelo and so generally insecure about being out that he barrels headlong into love with the embodiment of all of his fantasies, but it makes him look very weak and not very bright. I think it's good to have that in stories for variety, but it makes me wonder why he'd be chosen for Angelo's project and particularly cruel and careless when it becomes apparent that a long-term relationship between the two won't be allowed.

I think it would have helped develop the relationship more and give more opportunities for some of that hot, transcendent sex if there had been a segment between Four and Five and if the end of Five had been broken out more in time.

 

[RolandQ]

Thanks for the perspective

I'll give your suggestions some thought, thank you, I appreciate your insights.

 

[robertreams]

The story is well written and intriguing. That said, in future it would be good to check your tenses before you publish, I saw one paragraph in which you change from present to past back to present and back again.