**Wisp** {Feedback?}

[latinlyric]

Wisp

Fluctuations of life pour out of this silent cavity,
Tears are falling like palpitations to the floor, evading gravity.
Inhalation of your scent is akin to the air I breathe,
you are my passion, your love is all I need.
Yet my heart grows heavier than snowdrifts in the spring,
everytime I hear our favorite song, the melting of my love begins.
I can no longer hold you or whisper sweet nothings of carnal sin.
A warmth wells within my eyes, the envy slowly turning,
The tears evaporate like so many letters burning.
My skin crawls with the raking of fingernails,
not from making love but from fresh scars turning frail.
I need to let you go, dropping your memory like a porcelain doll.
while sweeping away the fragments, without a care at all.
You've peeled back my bones to reveal a hollow man,
I've fallen for you once but now alone I stand.
A woman has come and gone with the coming winds,
a man has stayed on a journey that must begin again.
The blackened space where you lay your head,
is now an abyss of loneliness and dread.
Words surge within this fury of rain and rage,
Mental anguish shall seek venegance apon each page with blazing pen.
Everytime I look in the sky for a prayer, shouting aloud,
Im reminded of your presence as ur falling through the clouds.
Angels shall plummet when thier wings are clipped or flicked,
i should have seen the devil when you first tricked me with a kiss.

 

[Guest]

Feedback... I'm not very good at it, but since there hasn't been any input, I don't think I can hurt your poem right... eh?

There is plenty to work with — lots of imagery and ideas.

But it is too much.

Streamling and making it tight, would serve your poem well. May I suggest poem surgery? Excision and wordplasty... I've take liberty to do so — please don't be offended, it's the only way I know how to show you exactly what I mean.

neo-ised version of latinlyric's Wisp:


Life pours out of this silent cavity
as tears fall onto the floor
evading gravity

Your scent is akin
to the air I breathe
you are passion
all the love I need

Yet this heart grows heavier
than snowdrifts in spring
hearing our favorite song
it melts love
I can no longer hold you
whisper sweet nothings
of carnal sin.

Warmth wells up within
envy slowly burns
evaporating tears like
burning letters

My skin crawls
with raking fingernails
not from making love
but fresh scars turned frail

I need to let you go
drop the memory
a porcelain doll.
sweep away the fragments
without a carel

You've peeled my bones
to reveal a hollow man
I've fallen for you once
now alone, I stand

A woman has come
gone with the coming winds
a man has stayed
Now a journey must begin again.

The blackened space
where you lay your head
is an abyss

Words surge fury
rain rage
Mental anguish
seeks venegance
on a each page
blazing pen.

Look to the sky for prayer
shouting aloud
reminding of your presence
falling through the clouds

Angels will plummet
with clipped wings
I should have seen
the devil when
you tricked me with a kiss


~ I took out some of the superflous words and phrasing, but there is still much more to cut out. In all, there are three seperate images in your poem, which you could easily make into three different poems.

Choose an image, work with it and develop the idea. I think your metaphor about the snow and it melting is a good place to start revising.

Hope I helped and perhaps encouraged you to continue to write.



- neo

 

[champagne1982]

Hi latinlyric,

Your poem is rich in imagery and full of words. I fear too many words. I like neonurotic's 'streamling' (I love poetic license neo, this is a new word! Streamlined and neo-ized... )version.

His takes away all of the extra 10 dollar words and clarifies some images. Now about that very thing, imagery. You overwhelm with too many, I think. There are some excellent ones to choose from in your poem. Perhaps, as it has been written on these threads before, you can decide which one you'd like to elaborate on?

dropping your memory like a porcelain doll.
while sweeping away the fragments, without a care at all.
You've peeled back my bones to reveal a hollow man,
I've fallen for you once but now alone I stand.

or

Yet my heart grows heavier than snowdrifts in the spring,
everytime I hear our favorite song, the melting of my love begins.

Watch the web-speak spelling you fall into at the end of the poem. I really think your words are deserving of all their letters.

There's still one point that gives me pause. If tears are falling, how is it they 'evade gravity'? Falling, is exactly what tears are expected to do.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: **Wisp** {Feedback?}

Hi latinlyric,

Your poem is rich in imagery and full of words. I fear too many words. I like neonurotic's 'streamling' (I love poetic license neo, this is a new word! Streamlined and neo-ized... )version.

His takes away all of the extra 10 dollar words and clarifies some images. Now about that very thing, imagery. You overwhelm with too many, I think. There are some excellent ones to choose from in your poem. Perhaps, as it has been written on these threads before, you can decide which one you'd like to elaborate on? or
Watch the web-speak spelling you fall into at the end of the poem. I really think your words are deserving of all their letters.

There's still one point that gives me pause. If tears are falling, how is it they 'evade gravity'? Falling, is exactly what tears are expected to do.

er... ha. I spelled "streamlining" wrong.