Wish me luck

[Sallad]

My second poem posted (be forewarned, it's not as good as the first )

Untitled

A naive child
If beaten enough
Becomes overly cynical
Learning life can be rough.
And when it comes time
To give her love and her trust
She no longer can,
She expects only lust.
She tries hard to be trusting
She knows that you care
She tries hard to forget
All the ones who weren't there
All those who lied
And those who beat her
All those who used
And loved to mistreat her.
All those who took her heart
And then threw it away.
All who promised to be there
Then claimed they couldn't stay.

She wants to be with you
More than anything in this world.
But you must give her time
She's just a scared little girl.




Comments and gentle criticism are appreciated (I don't know how harsh I can take it)

 

[Liar]

Hi!

I hope this is not too harsh. It's the same kind of advise that others have given me in the past, and it helped me a lot as a writer of both poems and other things.



The first two lines really caught my attention. An effective hook to reel the reader in. Unfortunately, the rest of the poem doesn't really live up to the expectations I get.

The message is clear, and the theme itself could make for a very good poem. You also have a good sense of rhythm and word flow, which makes it easy to read.

But it falls short on it's lack of illustration. If it had been a journal entry or a personal letter, I would have bought it, but not as a poem. I think a good poem is one that can go past denotation (what a word or sentence actually physically mean) and head straight for connotations (what words and phrases makes you think of and feel). Your poem here does not do that. It tells me about feelings without making me feel them, if you know what I mean.

Here is a lame attempt to use a metaphor to say the same thing. It's not a very good one, and I'm not sure it says exactly what your poem says.

Niether am I trying to tell you "this is how you should do it". Just that this is one of many different ways to to it, and I think you should try retelling it with your own words. Find a few different ways to say the same thing. Dismiss them if you don't like it, but try once and see if some other shoe fits your way of writing.


A naive child,
if beaten enough,
will smile at the cane
and cower from care.

The cell of all that she knows
is golden on the inside.

It takes more
than the key in your hand
and her hand in yours
to take that walk
into a world

...that for all that she knows
might be smaller
and darker
and colder yet...​

and never look back.



best of luck,
#L

 

[Sallad]

Thank you for your comment. I've never been very good at imagery. I KNOW this poem needs work. I posted it more for criticism than Kudos really. I'll see what I can do with it.

 

[Sallad]

I know you do not hold it,
Yet I still see the cane in your hand.
Cowering in my corner,
Afraid to take what you have
so generously offered.
Flinching at "I love you"
Crying at "I'd never hurt you"
Fighting back
when all you've ever tried to do is love me.

.....



I need more to this... it feels incomplete. What do you think of it as a start?

I think I can take a bit more criticism on this work because I KNOW how badly it needs it. Thank you.

 

[PatCarrington]

I know you do not hold it,
Yet I still see the cane in your hand.
Cowering in my corner,
Afraid to take what you have
so generously offered.
Flinching at "I love you"
Crying at "I'd never hurt you"
Fighting back
when all you've ever tried to do is love me.

.....



I need more to this... it feels incomplete. What do you think of it as a start?

I think I can take a bit more criticism on this work because I KNOW how badly it needs it. Thank you.

i wouldn't be so quick to add more.

there are things you might want to tinker with, but lengthening it is not one of them, i don't think.

in my opinion, it is better than the other two poems you posted.

 

[Sallad]

i wouldn't be so quick to add more.

there are things you might want to tinker with, but lengthening it is not one of them, i don't think.

in my opinion, it is better than the other two poems you posted.

Thank you.

I'll probably play with it a bit more later today... I am open to suggestions though.

 

[Guest]

I know you do not hold it,
Yet I still see the cane in your hand.
Cowering in my corner,
Afraid to take what you have
so generously offered.
Flinching at "I love you"
Crying at "I'd never hurt you"
Fighting back
when all you've ever tried to do is love me.

I think this shows promise in its genre. What if you drop "the cane" and lef the reader to figure it out?

I know you do not hold it now
yet I still see it in your hand
cowering in my corner
afraid to take what you have
so geneously offered
flinching at the words
"I love you"
"I'd never hurt you"
makes me weep
fight back
when all you ever tried to do
is love me.


Just my take on it but you should keep your own voice.

 

[Sallad]

I think this shows promise in its genre. What if you drop "the cane" and lef the reader to figure it out?

I know you do not hold it now
yet I still see it in your hand
cowering in my corner
afraid to take what you have
so geneously offered
flinching at the words
"I love you"
"I'd never hurt you"
makes me weep
fight back
when all you ever tried to do
is love me.


Just my take on it but you should keep your own voice.

I like it...let me fiddle around with it using your suggestions.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Luck for you

I really do like your poem's. No, I'm not drinking, never have and I'm on my game, lady. You are very straight technically with a solid plot, link, story in them. You seem to have a special flair with your words, they don't seem as bare as most of the other's I've read. They do so exude with a life. For me, myself and I, It speaks vibrantly to me. They have purpose, meaning and sensitivity. Marvelously done!!!

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/SUN_pipe.jpg