Wise people of the AH...

[Altered_ego]

I need some help here. You see, for the first time in my life I have no idea what I'm feeling.

I'm a 39 year-old guy, married with a ten-year-old kid. Happily married? Well, sometimes.

Anyway, here's my puzzle:

How can you tell the difference between being in love and being in lust? I currently have a problem distinguishing them. I'm sort of hoping I'm "only" in lust with this woman, but I suspect it may be something more.

When I met her in real life, after years of chatting online, I'd decided that, as I'm a married man, there'd be no sex. I'm beginning to think that might have been a mistake, because if we'd had sex it would probably have helped answer the question. Or would it have just made it even more intractable?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Basically, you want to come to a decision about adultery; Will your conscience abide it, or not?

Until you've answered that one to your own satisfaction, your attraction to her is moot.

Please remember too, that they don't call it "Making love" for no reason.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I need some help here. You see, for the first time in my life I have no idea what I'm feeling.

I'm a 39 year-old guy, married with a ten-year-old kid. Happily married? Well, sometimes.

Anyway, here's my puzzle:

How can you tell the difference between being in love and being in lust? I currently have a problem distinguishing them. I'm sort of hoping I'm "only" in lust with this woman, but I suspect it may be something more.

When I met her in real life, after years of chatting online, I'd decided that, as I'm a married man, there'd be no sex. I'm beginning to think that might have been a mistake, because if we'd had sex it would probably have helped answer the question. Or would it have just made it even more intractable?

That would be choice B to the last question.

The question here is not really "Is this love or is it lust?" The question is, or should be, "Should I be considering myself 'available' or not?" Love is delightful, but it's not an irresistable force of nature; that's lust. Or rather, that's self-interest.

If you're married and that means anything to you, then look carefully at your marriage and work to build and strengthen it. If your marriage means nothing to you, then it's time to either do very heavy counselling or call an end to it. However, if you're a person of any integrity, those events will take place prior to you picking up with the new bit on the side - unless, of course, you're in a less traditional marriage in which your spouse understands that you do such things. If, on the other hand, you promised to be sexually faithful for the course of the marriage, do the faithful or end the marriage. The middle road is cowardice.

 

[NoJo]

Basically, you want to come to a decision about adultery; Will your conscience abide it, or not?

Until you've answered that one to your own satisfaction, your attraction to her is moot.

Please remember too, that they don't call it "Making love" for no reason.

I always called it "Malthusian Drill", but let it pass.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I always called it "Malthusian Drill", but let it pass.

You and your power tool fetish.

 

[carsonshepherd]

New passion is shiny and gilded and brand new, like a pretty ring. The glitter is fascinating and consuming; you get to rediscover everything again, like a teenager. The other person is an exciting mystery with no flaws, no annoying habits. She makes you feel renewed.

Can you be in love with her? Maybe.

Love is the grunt work. It's adoring that person despite her flaws - forgiving her when she screws up - and sticking it out when everything is difficult. That's when lust fades and love becomes the glue that holds your world together. I don't know if love lasts forever, but I know it's the only thing worth risking absolutely everything for.

You might be in love with her. It might be the beginning of the greatest thing you've ever found.

Or maybe it's just the newness. A question for possible pondering: Do you really know her? Do you really love HER, or how she makes you feel?

Good luck.

 

[Recidiva]

As a woman who is now happily married to a man I met online when we were both married and "nothing was going to happen"

Well...good luck. And I'm so sorry.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You've got a fabulous chemical rush going on. You've also got that great grass-is-greener syndrome- people are so perfect when we don't actually have to live with them, talk about bills, deal with the daily scutwork.

Don't think of it as a choice between love or lust. There are a thousand different kinds of love and attraction, one no better or worse, no more or less meaningful than another.

I won't burden you with my actual credentials that qualify me to talk about this, but do PM me if you'd like to hear about them. There are some.

What you've got there can be dangerous, or it can assist your relationship. If your current partnership is at the boundaries of 1.5 years, 3.5 years or 7 years, then what you've got there is a chemical phenomenon, a lovely distraction created by the primate brain and its mating behavior.

If your connection sends you into your own bed with renewed lust for your current partner, keep it. If it does anything less, if it's more than a harmless hobby, or if you don't find a proper respect for the fact that you're already committed, ditch it quick. It's a shiny object with no ethics. And those, we all know, can be very stupid and very dangerous.

You can end up leaving, leapfrogging to the next partner and feeling like it's love. But I can virtually guarantee that folks who follow that pattern will never have a relationship that lasts more than seven years, and usually they'll lose it after about four years and be on to the Next True Love.

good luck is assisted by caution and perspective
bijou

 

[JPMMURPHY]

That would be chemical overdrive and it too will pass.

 

[Altered_ego]

Well, I've been married longer than 10 years. And when I first met my wife, the feeling was very similar to what I feel now. Yes, chemical. But what I felt at the time was an incredibly strong passion. We've always said "I love you" to each other, but I honestly don't know what that means.

I've been attracted to a lot of women, but the thought has usually been "Golly I'd really like to fuck her". Very different to what I'm feeling now. My desire for this woman is romantic, seeing movies and cooking meals, hanging out and seeing places. Even if we didn't have sex I'd want to be around her. But it's "lust" because, well, I get an erection thinking about her, and talking to her. So there's that going on too.

 

[kendo1]

Better the devil you know.

Do you really want to lose your child?

But I am biased. I've been married for 20 years, known her for 35 years and been with her for 30. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, who doesn't?
It doesn't stop me looking. Just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

But to take it a stage further? I have a responsibility to my wife and my kids, and I take it seriously. Apart from the fact that I love her. Hence the bias.

I hope you make the correct decision. Think very carefully, 'cause if you make the wrong decision there is no going back.

Ken

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

You have your own code you live by. You know what feels right and feels wrong.

Hemingway said that if you feel good after you did something, it was moral. If you feel bad after you did it, it was immoral. I'm paraphrasing, of course.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Better the devil you know.

Do you really want to lose your child?

But I am biased. I've been married for 20 years, known her for 35 years and been with her for 30. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, who doesn't?
It doesn't stop me looking. Just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

But to take it a stage further? I have a responsibility to my wife and my kids, and I take it seriously. Apart from the fact that I love her. Hence the bias.

I hope you make the correct decision. Think very carefully, 'cause if you make the wrong decision there is no going back.

Ken

Agreed, agreed.

There's this too: if one's relationship needs to shift, if in fact it's time for two partners to amiably begin living in separate households and make arrangements to continue to keep the offspring healthy, and that does sometimes happen, since we're different people than the ones who hooked up ten years ago, then that decision should be approached sanely and affectionately, and ABSOLUTELY FREE of the contamination of shiny new toys. Sometimes relationships really do shift and need to be changed, but you won't be able think correctly about that or make good decisions if you're all distracted by someone who doesn't really "exist" in reality, or is only in your life as a perfected version of themselves.

The affection you feel is good and correct and not to be discounted. We all need good friends and loving companions. More than one, even. Treat it as extra nourishment for your life as you've constructed it now.

that's quite enough of my opinions.
bijou

 

[SeaCat]

A rule of thumb I've picked up after watching a lot of people pass through my place of work.

If you can clean them of their bodily excretions for more than a few days without turning away from them. If you can do this and still tell them you love them then that is love.

Cat

 

[Black Tulip]

A rule of thumb I've picked up after watching a lot of people pass through my place of work.

If you can clean them of their bodily excretions for more than a few days without turning away from them. If you can do this and still tell them you love them then that is love.

Cat

I agree with you Cat, but you can have that without the lust confusing the issue.

No advice from me, just sending you wisdom Altered_ego.

 

[3113]

I've been attracted to a lot of women, but the thought has usually been "Golly I'd really like to fuck her". Very different to what I'm feeling now. My desire for this woman is romantic, seeing movies and cooking meals, hanging out and seeing places. Even if we didn't have sex I'd want to be around her. But it's "lust" because, well, I get an erection thinking about her, and talking to her. So there's that going on too.

You're lying to yourself. You're pretending there's a difference when there really isn't one. You know why there's no difference? Because in both cases you relied on your *IMAGINATION*. With the girls you were attracted to, you imagined fucking them. With this girl, you imagine meals, hanging out, etc. And you know what? In our imaginations everything is wonderful and works out perfectly. The person we're already with--we actually DO things with them and they DON'T turn out perfect. You fuck your wife and it's over quickly. But that girl you want to fuck, well, in your mind it goes on forever.

Ditto with this woman. You make dinner with your wife and it's not so romantic. But you *imagine* making meals would be romantic with this woman--feeding each other ingredients, cuddling over the cookbook, sucking tastes off each other's fingers, etc. In your fantasy meal with this woman you don't burn yourself or break a glass or spill the soup or ruin the main course. THOSE THINGS never happen in your imagination. It all works out perfectly--and romantically.

Stella had the right of it. This isn't about the difference between love and lust, it's about you trying to convince yourself that you have a good reason to cheat on your wife--because it's "love" not "lust."

Thing is, if you're marriage is failing, then it's time to admit that, face it and either work it out or split it up--but do it because the marriage isn't working and there's no being happy if you stay in it, not because your *imaginary* relationship with this woman (sexual or not) is so much better than the reality of your relationship with your wife. Imaginary relationships can always be made romantic and sexy and better than reality--they're imaginary!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Before you hop over, make sure what you're feeling is REAL. That matters far more than whether it's "love" or "lust."

 

[rgraham666]

Hemingway said that if you feel good after you did something, it was moral. If you feel bad after you did it, it was immoral. I'm paraphrasing, of course.

Uhm. There is a problem with this. By this standard Ted Bundy was acting in a moral manner. Raping and murdering women made him feel good.

Doing the right thing doesn't often make you feel good. I encountered such a situation recently. Let's just say doing the moral thing hurt a lot. But other people would have been hurt worse if I'd done the thing that made me feel good.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Uhm. There is a problem with this. By this standard Ted Bundy was acting in a moral manner. Raping and murdering women made him feel good.

Doing the right thing doesn't often make you feel good. I encountered such a situation recently. Let's just say doing the moral thing hurt a lot. But other people would have been hurt worse if I'd done the thing that made me feel good.

I was thinking-- what did Hemingway do to make him any sort of Moral authority, anyway?

 

[Black Tulip]

Hm, I have to add my 2cts after all.

Why did you ask "us" this question in the first place?

Perhaps you were hoping the people here would give you the green light? I suspect you know perfectly well what you should do (whatever it is), but are reluctant to let the other option go.

No?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hm, I have to add my 2cts after all.

Why did you ask "us" this question in the first place?

Perhaps you were hoping the people here would give you the green light? I suspect you know perfectly well what you should do (whatever it is), but are reluctant to let the other option go.

No?

I would hope that he asked here because he knows that he won't get any prudes here telling him that his urges are disgusting in of themselves.

yes?

 

[impressive]

Regardless of what you choose to do, talk with your wife. Be honest. It's the ONLY way to gauge the long-term prospects of either relationship.

 

[The_Fool]

Regardless of what you choose to do, talk with your wife. Be honest. It's the ONLY way to gauge the long-term prospects of either relationship.

If you are concerned, then how does she feel?

Kind of reminded me of this song from way too long ago...



Rupert Holmes


Pina Colada Lyrics



I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."

I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."

That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape

 

[bluebell]

3113 and Stella, do you offer podcasts?
I would so be on top of that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

3113 and Stella, do you offer podcasts?
I would so be on top of that.

Could we ... make some money? What a concept!

I know nothing at all about podcasting...

 

[Jubal_Harshaw]

How can you tell the difference between being in love and being in lust? I currently have a problem distinguishing them. I'm sort of hoping I'm "only" in lust with this woman, but I suspect it may be something more.

Were it only lust you would not have asked the question.

If it were an easy choice you would not be concerned. Yes, there is a lot to consider and likely someone is going to hurt. Maybe you. But know this; You will have to come clean eventually. The sooner the better.