Wipes his ass with a snowcone LMAO

[RJMasters]

I am sure some of you have seen this make its circulation on the net, however it just too funny not to post and get a laugh out of it. Enjoy

~~Warning multiple spew alert ahead!!~~

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili!
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods! not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[graceanne]

I'm literally gasping here. I laughed so hard I woke up K and my four year old, who are going 'Are you ok?'

 

[RJMasters]

I'm literally gasping here. I laughed so hard I woke up K and my four year old, who are going 'Are you ok?'

Grinz heehee.

 

[Killishandra]

Being from Hawaii must be preventing me from laughing out loud... I kinda get it, but not really. I do, however, agree that rednecks are funny.

 

[graceanne]

I'm married to a Texan, and believe me if the food doesn't take skin of the inside of your mouth, he's not happy. I've seen him eat food so hot he's sweating, and he LOVES IT. Whenever he's cooked, I bring a glass of milk with me - and I'm lactose intolerant. I figure it's pay back - milk gives me GAS like you would not believe.

 

[DVS]

I love hot food. Mexican, Texican, regional foods from India or Tiwan, etc. But, it can't just be hot...it has to have taste, too.

I rmember ordering some hot wings at a bar, once. The menu had a warning that they were VERY hot, and the waitress warned me that they were VERY hot. She even asked if I wanted to reconsider. "No," I replied. "I'll be fine." I felt almost insulted. It must have been my boyish face. I guess she just didn't realize I have a stomach of iron.

When she brought the wings, they were almost red, they had so much cayenne pepper, papprica or cumin on them. I think they must have had a paste and just brushed it on. But, they did have a little taste to them, too. When I finished those, I asked for more, mainly because I was hungry and I didn't want to fill up on beer. The waitress didn't say anything, that time.

The trick to wings like that is, don't liet the sauce touch your lips. Lips are very sensitive to hot spices and if you let your lips get involved, you're in for some trouble. And, it doesn't affect the taste any, just the heat. I prefer the heat inside my mouth and it must enhance the overall taste of the food. And, if the food makes you sweat, that's a good sign, too.

These wings had very little kick to them. I didn't even sweat. All of the heat was if the sauce touched your lilps. That's kind of lame. They were OK, though, because I was hungry.

For those of us that enjoy hot spices.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Nice to see you again RJ

and agree with DVS.

Not to dampen the story's fire, but for those that dabble with hot food, beer or any water based liquid (including milk) don't do shit for "putting out the fire" in a reasonable amount of time. Try a piece of bread.

As for deviant uses of items bearing a quantification of Scoville units, well now, what an interesting foray for the sadist's mind.

Never would have guessed one could obtain such a sadistic tool so cheaply.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

I love hot, spicy food, and as I type this, I'm looking at the bottle of "Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero" I have sitting on my desk for snacks.

My Hispanic friends call me "Los Caliente Perro" (sp) or "The fart that burns".

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... I'm looking at the bottle of "Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero" I have sitting on my desk for snacks.

And let me guess, you're not sharing?

i've got chips ...

 

[ghosst_K&H]

I make a killer homemade salsa to go along with the chips

 

[RJMasters]

Good to see you too AA

As for deviant uses of items bearing a quantification of Scoville units, well now, what an interesting foray for the sadist's mind.

Never would have guessed one could obtain such a sadistic tool so cheaply.