Will you/do you teach your children about D/s?

[Marquis]

Something I've thought about recently.

 

[Jay Davis]

I don't have kids, so I haven't faced this question, but my gut instinct is...nothing, unless they ask. If they DO ask, you handle it like you would any question about sex and reproduction, with age-appropriate info that will satisfy their curiosity without frightening, confusing or misleading them.

The only difference being that at various points and with certain subjects, it is appropriate to raise issues dealing with generic sex and reproduction with kids, even before they ask. With BDSM, I would think it would be best not to bring it up with them, until and unless they want to know.

If you have a house with both kids and an active D/s relationship, you should probably make a sincere effort keep it private. It's not just that kids won't understand, but it's probable that they can't...certainly not as children, possibly ever, when it comes to their parents.

Edited to clarify a sentence.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Something I've thought about recently.

nothing. children cant understand stuff like that. what they do understand is loving relationships and happiness....so even if i did try to explain anything D/s to them they would only get the happy part. make any sense?

 

[Marquis]

I think I am going to train my son to be a Dom from a very early age.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think I am going to train my son to be a Dom from a very early age.

lol i think im doing just that to both of mine without realizing it.

 

[snowy ciara]

Probably not. Most likely I'll do what mine have done. Those of us who wandered into a kinked life know, those of us who didn't, don't know. I have a question in return, Marquis...

I think I am going to train my son to be a Dom from a very early age.

Assuming the above wasn't in jest (with you it could be! ) what if the child is like me and so NOT a Dom? I think almost everyone who doesn't have a pre-disposition to sub-ness can be trained to be Dom/mely, but there are some of us who simply aren't Dom material. What are you going to do if they're like that?

 

[FurryFury]

My kids and I are likely to talk about it. We talk about everything sooner or later.

The trick with kids imo is to wait until they mention the subject. Watch them for cues on how much they really want to know and when enough is enough.

Most kids when they ask where babies come from at an early age don't want that much information. My son did. He was never satisfied with the lightly glossed version of things. I would tell him the normal when two people love each other they make a baby together thing. That was when he was really young, like four. Most four year olds would be satisfied with that and not a while lot more. He would say, "No how did Daddy his part of me inside you?"

So I tell them as much or as little as they want. My daughter is very into debating with intolerant people on message boards about gay rights and many other things right now. That has lead her to other issues. On a recent girl's day out shopping trip, she recently discussed with me gay history which she had studied up, the issues of transgendered people and anal sex.

They know they can talk to me about anything. I am not going to freak out. We have really great thought provoking discussions as well as silly ones. I love watching them explore new ideas.

 

[Netzach]

If you want your son to be a Dom I suggest running around wiping his ass until he's 35, giving him the 3rd degree over the most petty shit you can think of and criticizing his every waking move.

Worked for me!

 

[Marquis]

Probably not. Most likely I'll do what mine have done. Those of us who wandered into a kinked life know, those of us who didn't, don't know. I have a question in return, Marquis...



Assuming the above wasn't in jest (with you it could be! ) what if the child is like me and so NOT a Dom? I think almost everyone who doesn't have a pre-disposition to sub-ness can be trained to be Dom/mely, but there are some of us who simply aren't Dom material. What are you going to do if they're like that?

MY son?


You watch your damn mouth!

 

[chris9]

What I would try to do if I lived a D/s relationship and had kids, I would try to make my kids see that it's not like every other relationship. That not all the women/mothers are submissive/dominant. I don't think I would use these terms, but I think they would see that the submissive does what the dominant wants, that the dominant decides. And I would make sure that they don't see it as gender specific but as individual for each couple. I don't know how I would go about doing this, though

 

[graceanne]

Ok, with us I would not discuss the B&D or the S&M part, but I would the D/s. Why? Cause it's biblical (at least in the case of a M/f couple). Off hand (and I could be wrong) I can't think of anything in the new testament I wouldn't tell my children or talk to them about.

As for training them to be dom/sub, I don't see it as being an issue. They'll be what they're meant to be, and frankly my girls are already showing signs of submissiveness and my son is definately showing signs of being dominant (the little turd ). Namely the girls are VERY approval oriented, and Danny has big issues with taking orders. lol I don't doubt his love of me, but I think he thinks that he knows better than me. Every day is a power struggle with him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Can't say I actively went out to tell them about it so much as I brought them up in a household where they were free to ask questions about anything and expect them to be answered in an appropriate way, and also a house where sexuality was recognised as an important and natural part of life to be experienced responsibly and with open eyes. I also had a lot of diverse friends, my gay mates being more on the flamboyant and extrovert side, usually with a kink toward fetish, as opposed to in the closet or introvert. They saw movies like Rocky Horror, Priscilla, The Birdcage, In and Out etc., as children (not 5 yo though) and not only loved them, but saw them as just another choice and not out there or weird. If they had questions, and they often did, they asked and were answered. I think they also accepted mum was not your average mother with the usual surburban interests, overheard snippets of conversations here and there, and just seemed to take it all in stride. My daughter tells me she not only learned not to be judgemental, but to be aware and safe, and make choices for herself, not forced into them through peer pressure or standover tactics, or stumble blindly into something she never knew existed......and that kink was a lot of fun. She still feels free to ask questions, as I also do of her if there is something I don't know and she might.....makes for some fun and interesting discussions.

Catalina

 

[snowy ciara]

MY son?


You watch your damn mouth!

Nope.

You've gone and got my curiosity up.

I want to know!

Please.

 

[graceanne]

Can't say I actively went out to tell them about it so much as I brought them up in a household where they were free to ask questions about anything and expect them to be answered in an appropriate way, and also a house where sexuality was recognised as an important and natural part of life to be experienced responsibly and with open eyes. I also had a lot of diverse friends, my gay mates being more on the flamboyant and extrovert side, usually with a kink toward fetish, as opposed to in the closet or introvert. They saw movies like Rocky Horror, Priscilla, The Birdcage, In and Out etc., as children (not 5 yo though) and not only loved them, but saw them as just another choice and not out there or weird. If they had questions, and they often did, they asked and were answered. I think they also accepted mum was not your average mother with the usual surburban interests, overheard snippets of conversations here and there, and just seemed to take it all in stride. My daughter tells me she not only learned not to be judgemental, but to be aware and safe, and make choices for herself, not forced into them through peer pressure or standover tactics, or stumble blindly into something she never knew existed......and that kink was a lot of fun. She still feels free to ask questions, as I also do of her if there is something I don't know and she might.....makes for some fun and interesting discussions.

Catalina

Actually for me and K that's a big thing. Some people seem to think that anything sexual should be hidden from the kids, that it's bad or something, and we don't agree. Actual sex and sex talk, yes, but we kiss, we snuggle. I know that they overhear me and my friends talking about sex, and when Angel asked me how babies got in my tummy, I told her. (I didn't draw a diagram like my mother did to me, though. ) When she asked if I liked it I said, "Yes I do." I did all this very comfortably and without blushing or anything. I want my children to feel that sex is natural and ok. If I'm uncomfortable then they're gonna get the idea that their's something wrong with it.

I also answer any questions, to the degree that they want to know. When A was three and she asked how babies got out of my stomach, I told her how the doctor was going to cut my stomach and pull the baby out. That's all she wanted to know, she didn't want to know everything else that goes with it.

 

[Marquis]

Nope.

You've gone and got my curiosity up.

I want to know!

Please.

From a realistic point of view, I don't know what I would do.

I know in my heart though that I just want my child to be happy no matter what s/he is. Be it straight/gay, Dom/sub or even.... *shudder* vanilla.

 

[jasonlf]

I would the D/s. Why? Cause it's biblical (at least in the case of a M/f couple). Off hand (and I could be wrong) I can't think of anything in the new testament I wouldn't tell my children or talk to them about.

Well said

 

[Masters_aphrodite]

I don't have kids, so I haven't faced this question, but my gut instinct is...nothing, unless they ask. If they DO ask, you handle it like you would any question about sex and reproduction, with age-appropriate info that will satisfy their curiosity without frightening, confusing or misleading them.

The only difference being that at various points and with certain subjects, it is appropriate to raise issues dealing with generic sex and reproduction with kids, even before they ask. With BDSM, I would think it would be best not to bring it up with them, until and unless they want to know.

If you have a house with both kids and an active D/s relationship, you should probably make a sincere effort keep it private. It's not just that kids won't understand, but it's probable that they can't...certainly not as children, possibly ever, when it comes to their parents.

Edited to clarify a sentence.

i think when my daughter asks a question there is a specific reason that it was asked. i answer all of her questions with age-appropriate truth, and enough information to satisfy her period.

i could not have worded a response any better than Jay Davis has.

 

[tealsphynx]

I don't think it will go as far as "teaching" I think we'll use the tell as asked approach, let the children come to us. Though if we suspect something going on we'll do the asking, and they'll do the telling (my parents tried to with my sis, but they did want to "intrude" then she ended up pregnant and suicidal at 14, not my idea of a good time) I don't think we'll shield it from them as they get older. Kids are smart, they're sure to figure somethings out on their own (our door and toy box will have locks so we don't have any accidental walk-ins...though DH said that when he was a kid if there was a lock on it he had the urge to pick it, so we'll see what we do from there). I'd like to teach them that sexuality is not the taboo thing society makes it, and it's not all like the movies/books/music videos ect. It's funny, I saw In & Out (one of my fav movies), The Birdcage and RHPS. I liked them. I grew up liking movies that didn't follow the acceptable norm... I loved American History X and Taxi Driver because they didn't sugar coat their point. When I watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show I didn't even think about fetishism and such....I just saw a house full of people that liked to wear their underwear all day....not an issue to me, I like to spend all day naked, so it was a fun concept to me (yes I was naive as a kid....Yeah, the songs should have given it away, but the movie never really made much sence to me...again, I'd get stuck focusing on the underwear...).

Down to the point, I don't want them to be afraid or embarassed or ashamed of what they feel. I want my house to be open for questions and discussions of all kinds, even the embarassing kind because I feel the more comfortable the children see us with our lives the more comfortable they will be in theirs. Who knows maybe if more generations are tought to embrace their sexuality and kinks maybe we'll have less serial killers and Owners will finally be able to walk their "pets" in public without recieving criticism.

 

[astralkiss]

I think due to the fact that as of currently I am not in a 24/7 relationship, there wouldn't be a need to explain.

If I did progress to 24/7, eventually I would have to explain one way or another. I feel that the D/S would be a bit easier to explain then s/m or b/d. Frankly, I would try to keep it out of my kids' minds until they were old enough to make their own decisions about stuff like that.

I am not going to parade it around in front of them, but if they see something that makes them ask questions, depending on how old they are, I will explain it one way or another. I plan on trying to be open with my kids, when they are old enough to understand certain things. As with sex, my children will receive answers to all of their questions.

I personally would prefer them to come to me, then for example, go to a friend and ask and receive what is in my opinion misinformation.

 

[Jay Davis]

Ok, with us I would not discuss the B&D or the S&M part, but I would the D/s. Why? Cause it's biblical (at least in the case of a M/f couple). Off hand (and I could be wrong) I can't think of anything in the new testament I wouldn't tell my children or talk to them about.

This, I differ with, pretty strongly.

There is a world of difference between a freely-chosen, consensual M/f D/s relationship and the kind of outdated chauvanism and misogyny put forward in the Bible. The problem is, if you tell them your D/s relationship is ok, because it's superficially similar to the biblical model of male domination of wife and family, then you are clearly implying that any other D/s relationship--F/m, F/f, M/m--is not ok because it doesn't have the sanction of the Bible.

Fair warning, I was a contrary little cuss as a child and even a teenager; I grew up to be submissive anyway. I suspect you are no more likely to be raising a male Dom than you are a male submissive there--so be careful when you tell him why the form of your relationship with his father is ok. If you raise him to think that Male = Dominant and female = submissive because the Bible says so, you run a really good chance of raising a kid who's going to feel like a God-forsaken failure or freak.

And with regard to "raising a son to be a Dom," I sincerely believe you can't raise a child to be a dominant or a sub, anymore than you can raise them to be gay or straight, or even tall or short. While I am convinced that sexual identity and orientation are set in early childhood, I also expect that any attempt to deliberately mold a child in one way or another is at least as likely to backfire, producing the opposite effect, as it is to succeed. For example, if a father tried to influence a boy to be dominant over women by treating the boy's mother as property in front of him, the father would very likely trigger a hostile reaction to male dominance and possibly masculinity in general--resulting in a young man that grew up submissive, gay, or even both.

Yes, a child's sexuality is heavily influenced by his relationship with his parents, and especially by his childish perception of their relationship with one another. But the process is far too complicated to try to control; the best, fairest, kindest, most humane plan is to behave well toward one another and toward all your children, and not confuse or frighten them by exposing them to sexualities before they are ready to understand them. And odds are, if you're a really good parent and get all this stuff right, you'll raise vanilla kids--sexy, open-minded, creative vanilla kids, maybe even gay ones, but vanilla kids nonetheless. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that!

 

[FurryFury]

This, I differ with, pretty strongly.

There is a world of difference between a freely-chosen, consensual M/f D/s relationship and the kind of outdated chauvanism and misogyny put forward in the Bible. The problem is, if you tell them your D/s relationship is ok, because it's superficially similar to the biblical model of male domination of wife and family, then you are clearly implying that any other D/s relationship--F/m, F/f, M/m--is not ok because it doesn't have the sanction of the Bible.

Fair warning, I was a contrary little cuss as a child and even a teenager; I grew up to be submissive anyway. I suspect you are no more likely to be raising a male Dom than you are a male submissive there--so be careful when you tell him why the form of your relationship with his father is ok. If you raise him to think that Male = Dominant and female = submissive because the Bible says so, you run a really good chance of raising a kid who's going to feel like a God-forsaken failure or freak.

And with regard to "raising a son to be a Dom," I sincerely believe you can't raise a child to be a dominant or a sub, anymore than you can raise them to be gay or straight, or even tall or short. While I am convinced that sexual identity and orientation are set in early childhood, I also expect that any attempt to deliberately mold a child in one way or another is at least as likely to backfire, producing the opposite effect, as it is to succeed. For example, if a father tried to influence a boy to be dominant over women by treating the boy's mother as property in front of him, the father would very likely trigger a hostile reaction to male dominance and possibly masculinity in general--resulting in a young man that grew up submissive, gay, or even both.

Yes, a child's sexuality is heavily influenced by his relationship with his parents, and especially by his childish perception of their relationship with one another. But the process is far too complicated to try to control; the best, fairest, kindest, most humane plan is to behave well toward one another and toward all your children, and not confuse or frighten them by exposing them to sexualities before they are ready to understand them. And odds are, if you're a really good parent and get all this stuff right, you'll raise vanilla kids--sexy, open-minded, creative vanilla kids, maybe even gay ones, but vanilla kids nonetheless. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that!

Hi Jay Davis!

I like the way you think and write out your thoughts.

*hugs*

Fury

 

[Killishandra]

If you want your son to be a Dom I suggest running around wiping his ass until he's 35, giving him the 3rd degree over the most petty shit you can think of and criticizing his every waking move.

Worked for me!

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[Kajira Callista]

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[FurryFury]

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Fury

 

[raven2]

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