will some one please help me with this poem and tell me what you think of it

[zell19861986]

Untitled

You go out on the town
You never think twice
You've had a few scare's
Obviously not enough
You never think of others
You never think of your friends
I'm scared for you
I never know if I'll lose you or not
I cry every night
Sometimes I can't bear to live
I still love you
So I continue on
Just for you
To make sure your okay
To make sure your still you


Will some one please help me structure that poem and correct it please? thanks

 

[zell19861986]

sorry

never mind. doesnt matter. not that good of a poem any way. sorry for wasting your time. and senna jewa i don't really care if you think that is disrespectful or not. not having that great of a day to day.

 

[Angeline]

Hi Zell; looks like it's us. (Well, till Eagleyez gets back, but it's understandably a quiet day here.)

I like your poem; it has the power--as many of your poems do--of raw, simple honesty. I edited for you and broke it into sections that I thought enhanced those qualities. There are of course many ways to write this poem as well as format it--this is one suggestion. Hope it helps. In any case, hope your day's a good one.

Ange
_____________

You go out on the town.
You never think twice.

You've had a few scares,
Obviously not enough.

You never think of others.
You never think of your friends.

I'm scared for you.
I never know if you're alright,
so I cry every night.
Sometimes I can't bear to live

I still love you,
so I continue on
just for you

(to make sure you're okay,
to make sure you're still you).

 

[zell19861986]

Hi Zell; looks like it's us. (Well, till Eagleyez gets back, but it's understandably a quiet day here.)

I like your poem; it has the power--as many of your poems do--of raw, simple honesty. I edited for you and broke it into sections that I thought enhanced those qualities. There are of course many ways to write this poem as well as format it--this is one suggestion. Hope it helps. In any case, hope your day's a good one.

Ange
_____________

You go out on the town.
You never think twice.

You've had a few scares,
Obviously not enough.

You never think of others.
You never think of your friends.

I'm scared for you.
I never know if you're alright,
so I cry every night.
Sometimes I can't bear to live

I still love you,
so I continue on
just for you

(to make sure you're okay,
to make sure you're still you).

thanks

 

[Angeline]

thanks

My pleasure, guy. And if you're looking for something else to do why don't you try to write something for Maria's same title change?

 

[champagne1982]

Here's my take Zell.

You go out on the town Out on the town As soon as you leave the pronoun out of the line, your poem takes on a general admonishment rather than something personal to only one person. It still adresses that ONE, too.
You never think twice Never think twice This line seems to adopt a wryfulness that I think you'd like the reader to sense from these first two lines.
You've had a few scare's With too few real scares Just to keep that impersonal, lecturing tone going.
Obviously not enough Obviously
New line
You never think of others Not enough to think of others Now you can personalize your pleas. You've got the readers' attention with the first few lines. Let's stick it to 'em!
Insert a line break
You never think of others
Never To add emphasis.
You never think of your friends
Never To create rhythm, turning it into a bit of a litany.
I'm scared for you
I never know if I'll lose you or not I never know if I'll lose you Scrap the "or not" portion of this line it's redundant and draws from the urgency of this stanza.
Never To draw the reader back to the rest of the verse.
Insert a line break
I cry every night
Always New stanza, new chant.
Sometimes I can't bear to live I can't bear to live Drop "Sometimes" since, again, it draws away from your lecture.
Always
I still love you I love you You don't need to say "still" here. I find it redunant, as is the word "So" in the next line.
So I continue on I continue on
Always
Insert line break
Just for you
To make sure new line
your okay You're okay When you are thinking the words out for a poem do not use contractions as you are thinking it and that way, you will hardly ever find yourself using the wrong form of you're/your and their/they're. It'll (it will) help. I promise.
To make sure new line
your still You're still
new line You

This is what my edit will look like:

Out on the town
Never think twice
With too few real scares
Obviously
Not enough to think of others

You never think of others
Never
You never think of your friends
Never
I'm scared for you
I never know if I'll lose you
Never

I cry every night
Always
I can't bear to live
Always
I love you
I continue on
Always

Just for you
To make sure
You're okay
To make sure
You're still
You

 

[Rybka]

Lots of potential here

Angeline and Champagne have done a pretty good job of editing and showing an alternative form. - I might reject/alter a few of Champagne's suggestions/changing because each poet or reader has her/his own style/viewpoint.

I would suggest that you might consider changing "scares" in the line
"With too few real scares" to the word "scars".

With regard to the lines:
"Always
I love you
I continue on
Always"
I think Campagne prunes a little too much. Cutting away dead verbage is the chore of each poem's caretaker, but the poet must always be careful not to cut the quick.
My version would be the same as your original.


My only original contribution would be to push the words all over the page so that the visual arrangment they make adds to the ryhthm and/or meaning, but that is a personal thing and this board can't display it anyway.

Merry Christmas; Keep writing, Rybka