Wierd literary device

[angela146]

Hi all,

I'm experimenting with a literary device.

The idea is to capture the nature of communication between a deeply bonded couple when they are alone.

I'm using colors to distinguish between him and her (red for her and blue for him) and using italics to represent the telepathy between them.

Would y'all mind taking a look at an excerpt and telling me if you think it works? Thanks in advance...

...

There was just enough room between him and the couch for her to slip behind him. She imagined herself on the back of a motorcycle, her arms wrapped around his chest and a hot engine between her legs.

At first, he seemed to not notice her, but she knew how to fix that. Her arms around his chest, her breasts pressing into his back and a brief wave of her wrist under his nose – that got his attention.

He made the kiss-noise and smiled for her, but his fingers and eyes continued their assault on the words.

Unconcerned, she pressed forward, introducing the topic.

How would you do it?

He stopped, looked up, relaxed back into her and closed his eyes. All thoughts of writing were banished from his mind. She licked her lips, tasting her easy victory.

Do what?

It.

A moment.

I want you to enjoy it.

I’m afraid I would hurt you.

So hurt me – I won’t break.

She slid her hips forward and leaned back, giving him a reclining chair in her body. She kissed the peach fuzz on his earlobe.

He released his body to her so his mind could explore the place that she wanted him to visit with her.

If I go too far, I’ll loose you. You’ll hate me for taking advantage of you. If I don’t go far enough…

...

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

I'm afraid I've never been all that big of a fan of color-coded writing. If it is not immediately clear who is empathizing what, then bright epilepsy colors aren't going to change it enough.

But that's just one creature's opinion.

 

[princessjennie]

I probably would have found it easier if the story was told by one person, and their esp thoughts in italic were treated like normal conversation, using italics rather than ", and drop the colour code thing, as too distracting.

Eg. How would you do it? she teased him.

Not much help here, I'm afraid.

I like it when people try new things

 

[angela146]

Suppose I dropped the color but left the italics in place?
...

There was just enough room between him and the couch for her to slip behind him. She imagined herself on the back of a motorcycle, her arms wrapped around his chest and a hot engine between her legs.

At first, he seemed to not notice her, but she knew how to fix that. Her arms around his chest, her breasts pressing into his back and a brief wave of her wrist under his nose – that got his attention.

He made the kiss-noise and smiled for her, but his fingers and eyes continued their assault on the words.

Unconcerned, she pressed forward, introducing the topic.

How would you do it?

He stopped, looked up, relaxed back into her and closed his eyes. All thoughts of writing were banished from his mind. She licked her lips, tasting her easy victory.

Do what?

It.

A moment.

I want you to enjoy it.

I’m afraid I would hurt you.

So hurt me – I won’t break.

She slid her hips forward and leaned back, giving him a reclining chair in her body. She kissed the peach fuzz on his earlobe.

He released his body to her so his mind could explore the place that she wanted him to visit with her.

If I go too far, I’ll loose you. You’ll hate me for taking advantage of you. If I don’t go far enough…

...

 

[Belegon]

IMHO, I like that better.

 

[psychocatblah]

I like that better, too. Although, I think he's more worried about losing her than loosing her... unless this is way out of context.

 

[angela146]

I like that better, too. Although, I think he's more worried about losing her than loosing her... unless this is way out of context.

Thanks for catching the spelling error. No, there isn't any bondage involved so he isn't worried about loosing her .

That's the problem with spelling checkers. If you use the wrong word, it doesn't always catch the error.

 

[psychocatblah]

Thanks for catching the spelling error. No, there isn't any bondage involved so he isn't worried about loosing her .

That's the problem with spelling checkers. If you use the wrong word, it doesn't always catch the error.

No problem I make the most hilarious spelling errors/typos that make it past spell check. Another good one is loins and lions

 

[snooper]

Yes, much better without the colour.

and

Sew much four spell chequers.

 

[Pure]

There are first and third person problems, in the first color code, i.e., who is talked *about*.

I see no reason for this, since the sentences says "He.. "
or "She..."

IF you want to distinguish thoughts, you'd need two types (or colors, perhaps).

There is font, format, and tags, as possibilities, among others.

come to me
--- i love her so much

Tags like 'she thought' might be possible, and if there's a clear pattern of alternation, don't have to be repeated all that often.
(Also the content of the thought can mark it; the second thought above, is clearly his, and that's evident without formatting.)

 

[angela146]

There are first and third person problems, in the first color code, i.e., who is talked *about*.

Primarily because this is an excerpt. The antecedent was in the previous (not excerpted) paragraph.

I see no reason for this, since the sentences says "He.. "
or "She..."

IF you want to distinguish thoughts, you'd need two types (or colors, perhaps).

There is font, format, and tags, as possibilities, among others.

come to me
--- i love her so much

Tags like 'she thought' might be possible, and if there's a clear pattern of alternation, don't have to be repeated all that often.
(Also the content of the thought can mark it; the second thought above, is clearly his, and that's evident without formatting.)

Thanks, this helps. I can see more clearly how the dialog is perceived by the reader.

In the example, "i love her so much", the use of third person involves too much of a separation between the couple. It implies that he can have a thought-dialog with himself without her hearing it.

I think that's the key: the narrator can use third person but the characters don't see each other as "outside the self". When they use second person (I vs You) it's reflective of an *internal* duality rather than an *external* duality.

 

[angela146]

OK, I just posted it. You'll see the whole story in a week or so...

 

[MagicFingers]

I'll look for it.

OK, I just posted it. You'll see the whole story in a week or so...

I had a similar problem with trying to show people's thoughts, specifically empath type thoughts.
I had trouble following the two color thingy. It might be better if it went on for a while so one could get used to it.

I used this technique to show the thoughts of one person to the other - single quotes, like:

They stood there holding each other way too long; when Mel felt Mark saying. ‘Jim really wants to kiss you.’

Knowing this, Mel moved her head closer to Jim’s and gave him a quick kiss on his lips, but didn’t let go of him. Jim was stunned and wasn’t sure what to do next.
‘Wait for him. I can’t tell him what to do. I can only tell you. Wait. He’s making sure he doesn’t blow it by kissing you back.’

Does this work?

 

[angela146]

OK, the story is posted in its full form.

Enjoy...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=150936

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

For what its worth, it is no doubt an interesting idea. I, personally, wouldn't keep reading it because the change of colors is a little too demanding on my recreational attention.