"Wicked Times" (feedback please)

[LoneOne]

Hello,
I´m new here (good, I´m around here a year or so, but only read some posts etc.) and english is not my mother tongue but sometimes I write poems. Nearly all of them are in german but some are in english too.
This poem was a homework from my english teacher a year ago, we should write a short poem about time, making decisions etc. and in the end this comes out. Everybody said it was good, but i´m interested what natural englishspeaking people say to this poem and how I can make some parts better. (Glad I have found this forum)


Wicked Times

The wind blow away,
the sand of ancient times.
And old man speaks in ryhmes
that all is going well
but we will call it hell

The humans make decisions
but they don´t make them quick
so the thoughts becoming sick.
In their world you must make it a rule
to be wicked and cruel.

The men behind the mirrors
fear you and your kind
when you follow this: Free Your Mind
The battle begins with your birth,
end ends when you return to earth.

The sand is blown away,
but no one has learned from this,
it´s like a giant lifetime-quiz.
And if they win; we will lose
and they, they drop an H-Bomb as excuse.

 

[Rybka]

Feedback as Requested

O.K. Let's start with the basic grammatical mistakes.

Wicked Times

The wind blow away,

"blow" should be "blows"

the sand of ancient times.
And old man speaks in ryhmes

"And old man" should be "An old man"
or "And old men"

that all is going well
but we will call it hell

Not grammar, but you might want to
change "will" to "still"

The humans make decisions

Again, not grammar, but "people" sounds
better than "humans".

but they don't make them quick

Proper grammar would be "quickly" not
"quick", but in a poetic form you can get
away with "quick". It just rings wrong in
my ear.

so the thoughts becoming sick.

You need "are" before "becoming" or you
could try: "thoughts become sickly."

In their world you must make it a rule
to be wicked and cruel.

The men behind the mirrors
fear you and your kind
when you follow this: Free Your Mind
The battle begins with your birth,
end ends when you return to earth.

The sand is blown away,
but no one has learned from this,
it's like a giant lifetime-quiz.

Sorry, "this" and "quiz" do not rhyme
when spoken.

And if they win; we will lose
and they, they drop an H-Bomb as excuse.

Again, sorry, lose" and "excuse" rhyme marginally
at best.

Regards, Rybka

 

[LoneOne]

Yeah, Grammar is the biggest problem I have, even when I talk to someone.

this and quiz don´t ryhme?
Problem 2, with my accent they both sound nearly the same at the end.
I think I have to change the poem. Ok, where is my dictionary...

Thanks for the feedback

 

[karmadog]

Actually, I like the semi-rhymes. They serve to mute the scheme a little. There's nothing wrong with slant rhymes. Also, I thought the same thing you did about "quick" and "quickly", but then I wondered if he meant "quick" in the sense of "living". Even at that, it doesn't work that well because the meaning would be unclear to most readers.

All in all, though, I think it's pretty good. I would think writing poetry in a second language would be very difficult. I have enough trouble in English.

 

[LoneOne]

How I have written this was a homework for school.
The one thing I´m really disapointed about is that my english teacher don´t said anything about these mistakes.

I gave it to him after the lesson, 2 days later i got it back with only 2 corrections. There were mistakes in two words.

 

[Guest]

Hey Lone Wolf,

I like your poem. Don't change something if it makes it sound different than the way it intended to you. Grammatical rules in poetry are very loose. If it sounds good to you and expresses how you feel than go with it. I imagine the mechanics of English will only get better as you read and post more and more. If you've already read Lit for a year my guess is you're well on your way to becoming an addict.

The only changes I'd make -

The wind blows away

An old man speaks in rhymes

so the thoughts become sick



Keep writing! And posting

 

[weed]

Aaah, Weed's always forgetting to log-in....that was me.

Hi, Lone Wolf

 

[LoneOne]

This part with old mans, I never notice such mistakes, but I think it sounds good even if I change it.

Grammer, I hope one day I will be better with this stuff

Becoming addicted... mhm I think I´m allready addicted

 

[weed]

Keep posting....move around the Board....you'll find people of all kidnds here....and maybe a special friend....until RL brings you some special skin

Take care, Lone