Why'd she change?

[MyDixieWrect]

Heres my problem. My wife and I have only been married about 7 months. Up until a couple months ago our sex life was awesome. Things have changed lately though. She seems to not like me to touch her intimately IE- fingering, feeling her breasts, even laying in bed naked together. When we have sex now there is no foreplay. I used to go down on her all the time and vice versa, but now she's just like hurry up...stick it in. and thats it. Affection is a thing of the past it seems like to. Its been bothering me, so, anybody have some ideas of what the hell is happening?

 

[midwestyankee]

Heres my problem. My wife and I have only been married about 7 months. Up until a couple months ago our sex life was awesome. Things have changed lately though. She seems to not like me to touch her intimately IE- fingering, feeling her breasts, even laying in bed naked together. When we have sex now there is no foreplay. I used to go down on her all the time and vice versa, but now she's just like hurry up...stick it in. and thats it. Affection is a thing of the past it seems like to. Its been bothering me, so, anybody have some ideas of what the hell is happening?

First things first. Have you asked her about this? If not, I suggest bringing it up outside the bedroom in a completely non-judgmental way.

 

[firefighter02]

*NOTE- THIS IS NOT A FLAME

I truly believe that there is a chemical reaction between women's bodies and diamonds... All the sudden the ring is there and the "Closed" sign goes up.

I know that with my ex..it was the same way exactly. The minute she got that ring, there wasn't a blow job in sight, or the need for any kind of sex life that we had prior to that time. Towards the end of our marriage if she would have ever rolled over in the night and actually touched my cock I would have probably wondered if there was an intruder in our bedroom. And then realized it was her when I reached over to find that thing she called legs felt just like Chewbaka the Wookie and would have known it was just her. Just one of the many things she neglected to let me in on after she stole my free will and my ability to be a man.

May her evil soul rot in hell!!

*NOTE- Yes, I know this isn't true of all women

 

[frustratedpoodle]

It's hard to say unless you know more, but here's just a theory from someone who's been married for about 12 years.

If you have not already tried to talk to her about this, I suggest you do, in a calm, neutral sort of setting where there can be no scenes, and no escape from the topic.

As a woman, I know we are weird. I went through a few phases like that early on in my marriage. So did he. It could be just a phase, where she's simply not into sex. Give her the right stimulation, and she may well get over it before it runs its course, in who knows how long?

Otherwise, I can only say, analyze your relationship outside the bedroom. Is there anything that could possibly have her upset at you? Sometimes, a woman will punish you when you don't even know you did anything wrong.

I hope things get better!

The Poodle

 

[Bobmi357]

Ask her! You're early enough in the marriage that you can find out what is going on before this becomes habit.

Don't start a fight, just sit down with her and tell her that the recent change is puzzling and you're somewhat hurt by it. If her attitude is "fuck it", then run, don't walk, to your nearest divorce attorney. If, on the other hand she's concerned about how you feel, she will take steps to try to remedy the situation. Offer to help her. Don't make this all seem like its her fault and hers alone. Ask if its something you've done, is there something you can do better? Have you failed somehow to please her etc? Just because the courtship is over and you're now in the day to day grind of daily life it doesn't mean the romance has to be thrown out the window.

So sit down with her, tell her how you feel, tell her about how you hurt. Let her know that what is happening not only hurts you, it also hurts your relationship. Don't try to assign any blame, instead try to fix the problem.

Marriage is kind of like a trap. If you allow it, all those wonderful feelings you had for your spouse before you got married can be buried under bills, job stress, kids. And after a while the married couple end up being glorified roomates who occasionally have sex with each other. Love is like a garden, if you don't periodically weed it and water it, it dies. Get to work bucko! Find out where you both have gone wrong, back up and start over again.

 

[ReadyOne]

BTW...

I've found that for both sexes, often when one party isn't particulally interested, that if they will make an honest effort that after they get started the uninterested party becomes aroused and interested...

Not that you can compell her behavior, but consider asking her to give it a sincre try instead of counting the seconds until it's over.

PS: All the stuff about communications is on the money. This is also one situtation where a bit of counceling can help. First the councelor is a facilitator and helps get a pattern of communicationg going. Second, they can teach you how to communicate if you (plural) are willing to learn.

 

[Stu21]

My 2 cents from someone a little older who has been there and done that. My expectations from a functional relationship would be:

Intimacy and sharing and honesty
Mutually satisfying sex life
Some companionship and mutually enjoyable activitiies
Some mutually beneficial financial and domestic benefits
Some mutual support emotionally and physically
Some personal freedom to pursue ther interests, activities and relationships outside your marriage.
Some fun and childlike playfulness at times
Some change and growth.
This is my list only for this point in my life. the bottom point is the fact that things change and we would both have to deal with different expectations when they change

Write down your own expectations and ask her to do the same.

My biggest regret in my marriage was NOT doing this at certain points in time. My fear was I would somehow damage the realtionships permanently by being honest. The fear of rejection.
Needless to say it eventually finished, and it was those things that were a major contribution to that.

Seems you are having some problems with a mutally satisfying sex life. You don't feel as if you are satisfying her and you aren't satisfied with the frequency.

This is NOT what a relationship such as marriage should be for me personally.

Have the discussion about these very important things and mutually agree what to do about resolving them. You must also be aware that here is a point where you may mutually agree to finish your relationship and that is Ok if there is something you or she expect that the other person doesn't agree to.

If for example my current partner decided that she only wanted sex once a month and I wanted it once a day, then I would find someone else to have sex with and I would tell her why. If she didn't like that and wanted to finish the relationship then that would be fine. It may be a silly example because she is horny as, but it illustrates my point.

My other advice is give this a little time to work through. You obviously love her and your relationship is young. Take care

 

[dollface007]

Have you considered whether YOU have changed as well? Have you stopped taking her out on romantic dates? Are you doing your share around the house? Have your expectations of marriage changed your attitude or lifestyle?

Just something to think about.

 

[MyDixieWrect]

Thanks to all that have posted up. I have brought this up to her before but probably not in appropriate way, i was probably to confrontational. She's always telling me I'm being "Melodramatic" about things, but what she doesnt know i guess is that it really bothers me. I will talk to her in a better setting with different attitude and tone and maybe then she will understand. I know a relationship isnt all about the sex. But I think it is a good part of it. Not to mention I'm a 25 year old guy that wants it all the time! She is 21 by the way. It may be the times as well, things have been pretty stressful lately because of my job and being gone quite a bit. I'm leaving for Iraq soon and just want the best quality time with her i can have before i leave. hopefully all works out, I can't be away from her for a year not knowing if there is a problem. Thanks again. And if anyone else would like to post up...go ahead.

 

[Ezzy]

I would take the time, to buy the things she likes for a meal in, and candles and flowers or hot dogs and suds, what ever she really does enjoy, and give her the time she needs to just talk.

I think for what you have added on the stresses and the reasons behind the stress (or some of it) that there are more than the usual triggers of change.

If you are working long hours or are away a lot at the moment when all she can think about is the year you are going to be away, try and put the time in now while you are here to work it out, if you don't get progress made the chances of her hanging around for a year without you diminish, day by day.

Try and remember what it was that she liked you for, if you were lead singer in a rock bad or 30th best bowler in a league, what was it got you together, if it was something you are not doing now, go back to it.

I think that for the most part it was communication, you used to communicate as if her opinion mattered, there is often a point when men believe they are talking the same language as women, but we don't! We never have and we never will, and we do the most harm to our relationships, when we forget that what we say means different things to Men or to Women.

Try reading some of the works of John Grey the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books. He deals with this dichotomy of language, and the troubles it causes, in a good way.

If you take the stress out of talking about other things (NOT THE SEX) you stand a good chance of taking the stress out of talking about the sex. Listen to what she has to say on any thing, Listen to what she feels, Listen to her spill out 3 or 4 hours of hurt, cause I bet she has at least that much in her, DON'T be defensive, DON'T offer solutions (She is talking to you, using you as a sounding board and what she needs is reassurance that you are there for her, SHE DOES NOT NEED THE SIMPLE ANSWER TO HER WOES.

Women find their answers in feeling their own way through the troubles, talking at and around what ails them, they are not looking for a two word answer, they are looking for companionship in the search for THEIR answer. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO GIVE THE ANSWER, it is your job to be the companion in her finding her own answer.

If you can't offer the time and commitment of your strength, now before you head out for 12 months, how are you going to find it when you are 10,000 miles apart?

Please read some of the books John Grey has written, I have been in places in relationships where I was causing more problems than I could fix, all because I thought it was my job to hear the words that she used to describe a problem and then pick the simple solution, I caused more anger and more troubles this way. When I read the thoughts in the Women are from Venus Men are from Mars books, I spotted I had fallen into the classic mistake that most men do, I applied my problem solving abilities to a problem that was not the problem and by doing so I never heard the real reason for the relationship troubles we were having.

Don’t get me wrong I am still not a saint all the time, but I do try and listen and offer no solution unless directly asked for about the 5th or 6th time, it truly does appear to work in ways I can not tell for helping her to feel her own answer come from inside.

Ps. Forget totally that you are a 25 year old guy that wants it all the time, and see if you can be a 7 month part of a relationship that cares more about what she needs than what you need, that would be a good way to start.

 

[quickfoot]

How does she feel about you going to Iraq? Stress and fear are both huge factors on relationships and sex drives.

Sometimes its hard to mentally prepare for a big challenge and stay affectionate at the same time.

 

[dollface007]

It may be the times as well, things have been pretty stressful lately because of my job and being gone quite a bit. I'm leaving for Iraq soon and just want the best quality time with her i can have before i leave. hopefully all works out, I can't be away from her for a year not knowing if there is a problem. Thanks again. And if anyone else would like to post up...go ahead.

I've been in her shoes...my ex had to go to Bosnia for 7 months and i went through alot of mixed emotions at the time. It may just be that she's depressed about you leaving. She may be afraid to get too intimate with you b/c it will hurt too much. You should sit down with her and tell her everything you've said here. You seem very concerned about the situation and she needs to know that. Right now she may feel like you're on the offensive.

 

[sheath]

Heres my problem. My wife and I have only been married about 7 months. Up until a couple months ago our sex life was awesome. Things have changed lately though. She seems to not like me to touch her intimately IE- fingering, feeling her breasts, even laying in bed naked together. When we have sex now there is no foreplay. I used to go down on her all the time and vice versa, but now she's just like hurry up...stick it in. and thats it. Affection is a thing of the past it seems like to. Its been bothering me, so, anybody have some ideas of what the hell is happening?

I'm wondering the same as everyone else...has anything happened outside the bedroom? An argument? Sometimes one person in a relationship might think a particular argument was no big deal, but the other one feels differently. Does she work? Has her schedule changed? Is your time limited? Are there sudden stresses now that you didn't have before, like more bills, paying for the wedding, things like that?



S.

 

[MyDixieWrect]

Nothing "major" has happened "outside the bedroom" as far as arguments or anything. That's why i dont understand all of this, our relationship is great except for this. we joke and play around all the time, but its just that I dont get the "affection" and such like I used to. In the beginning I was not very proficient in that area of affection and showing how i felt. And I think maybe she just gave up and stopped caring. I just want things like they were. Not so much as the way they were in the very beginning because i know how that is different. I just want to be able to lay next to her and put my arms around her without her saying quit it or dont do that. What is it that I'm doing? I was just laying with her. She thinks that everything I do is because i want sex. That is not the case. I just love her and sometimes want to hold her or kiss her. I'm going to talk to her this weekend and see what she says. Hopefully she doesnt think im just being "melodramatic". Thanks again, you guys are being very helpful.

 

[Bobmi357]

I think we have two issues here.

#1 - She thinks all you want from her is just sex. Thats a big problem right there. And one that only you can fix. You've somehow sent her that message and now you need to fix it.

The big problem is you are very time limited. So I don't know how you can fix it except by enjoying her company without the sex. Do things together outside of the bedroom. Help her cook dinner, ask for her help to fix the car etc. Be together, spend time together. Give her a hug or a kiss and then go back to what you were doing. Show her that you appreciate her for who she is and not just her body.

If there is one thing I can promise you, if she's right, you're in for a rough time of it. In 10 years time that body won't be as great as it was at 21, in 20 yrs it will be even worse. Show her you can look beyond her looks and her sex appeal to the woman inside.

#2
IRAQ. Gawd she must be terrified. She's still a kid, with a new husband who is about to go overseas into a friggen war zone where we are the hostile occupying force. Hardly a day goes by without hearing about a serviceman getting killed over there.

If you're regular service and not reserve your base must have a wive's network, ask some of your friends, ask some of the older men. Put her in contact with them. If you're reserve bring this up with some of your fellow reservists and get the wives together. They need a way of mutually supporting each other while you're away. Right now your wife probably feels like you're leaving her and she's going to be suddenly all alone. With a support network she'll have other wives to lean on.

My prayers go with you and it is my fervent hope that come November we'll vote that liar out of office and you'll be able to come home quickly and safely.

 

[SensualCealy]

Can I make a suggestion, what about writing her a note, just like the latest addition on this thread, your feelings of what you want and what you wish you still had. You would be surprised at what she would say or do if you put it into words showing her how much you want your life together back the way it was, not just the sex but the relationship too.

My husband only ever wrote me one letter, and after 19 yrs I still have that very letter, will I ever get rid if it- NO WAY!

Good luck and try hard now, when its too late, you wont want to try at all.

All the best to the two of you and good luck in Iraq, we will be praying for you and everyone else.
Cealy

 

[SensualCealy]

OMG BRAINSTORM!!!
IS SHE PREGNANT???
Hormones are wonderful mind and body snatchers!
Just an idea.
Cealy

 

[BirdsWife]

Up until a couple months ago our sex life was awesome.

Would this be about the time you found out you would be going to Iraq? If so, it sounds to me like she may be trying to cut her losses, even if she is not aware she is doing it.

She is more than likely terrified that you are going to die over there, and subconsciously she may be pushing you away now so that if something does happen it won't hurt so bad to lose you. She is protecting her heart by withdrawing and not allowing herself to get close to you, physically or emotionally, at the time when you two need this the most.

It may not be logical, but then when it comes to matters of the heart, we are rarely logical creatures.

 

[blondie74]

I can totally relate. And I have to say, it could be any one of a million things... I went through it when we first moved to CA, then again right after we got married. I love my husband, but a combination of stress, being away from my family, being newly married, etc..... just totally took away my sex drive. Try talking with her, and be understanding. I know my husband was very frustrated with the whole thing, but he was very patient and very understanding, and frankly, it was a huge help to know that he still loved me and wanted to be with me...no matter what state our sex life was in. Thankfully, we're back on track, and I'm just as horny as I was when we started dating.

 

[shelleb4]

just a horrid guess, but perhaps she's been faking it for 6 months and now she's sick of it, so is sort of coming clean in a passive way.

I did this with my first partner and the pattern sounds the same to me, that's why i suggest it.

Communication is the only thing that will sort a problem like this.

Good luck in sorting this together