Why the hell can't I "just do it"?

[Iris]

Scenario: You meet a guy or girl you think is attractive, funny, whatever turns you on. You get to know them and want to start something physical. Or maybe you just want to start something physical and that's it. In either case, I know plenty of people who can just kiss someone, or come out and ask them to go home with them, etc but I just can't do it. Even when I know the other person is interested, or at best wouldn't be weirded out if I made a suggestion or advance. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a jellyfish?

I wanted my lover for literally months before he caught on and did something about it. I knew he wanted to, he had basically already said so, but I just couldn't bring myself to make a move or even acknowledge it. So for those of you that can, how do you do it? What usually works for you, and what do you do if you get shot down?

 

[MinkSoul]

it starts with a kiss....

then just 'let your fingers do the walking'....

sliding down the back.....give their butt a little squeeze...

roam around to the front, brush your fingers across the belly....


maybe start unbuttoning their shirt....


above all take your time, give them a chance to say no....


if your 'shot down' ask what their doing next friday... not for sex.... just for the company...

 

[Juspar Emvan]

Iris

Lets start a club

 

[Iris]

So then the members can all hit on each other? Oh, wait, was that a come on? I'm as bad at picking up on them as I am at making them, unfortunately. It's amazing I even get laid at all.

 

[Ree]

Can I join the "No Backbone" club. Not good at making the first move either. Not sure why, even when all the marbles are laid out on the table and you know that you wouldn't be shot down. Plain and simple it is a fear of rejection. I know men go through it all the time and if I was a male I would be a darn lonely one too. I can flirt, touch, and make suggestions but just can't put the lips into actions. I have even gone so far as to ask someone to put up or shut up and then said I was kidding when I wasn't. Talk about being a chicken. Oh, well. If someone finds an extra backbone laying around send it my way. You never know who I have my eye on.

 

[Blackbich]

LMFAO @ Iris!!

I wish I could help you but I'm the same way. Actually, I become excrutiatingly (is that even spelled right? Hell, is that even a frigging word? hmmm?) shy if I really like a guy. I've always been that way - just luck I guess. If you get some pointers, please hook a sista up.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I'm definitely joining the spineless club.

I don't know about you guys, but it's a confidence/self-esteem issue for me. Rejection would crush my delicate ego and only make the problem ten times worse.

Hell, I'm even shy about initiating sex with someone who's already been my partner. Subtle hints and a bit of suggestive touching is about as far as I can go. Anything more aggressive than that, forget it. Figure THAT one out.

 

[Todd]

You mean I am not the only one to shy/nervous/spineless to make a move? Dagnavit, what is this world coming to

 

[April]

Most of the time, I'm that way too. I have made a few suggestions, but I've gotten rejected. Tired of trying now.

 

[Thumper]

All over...

If an attractive woman ever asked me outright to take her home....I would be finished....right there...YEP..."orgasmus instantaneous" I think they call it...

April...really? They musta been gay....and blind...

 

[PHANTOM5875]

Hmmmm...that is a really interesting question. Reaching out to someone, even for friendship much less physical intimacy is a scary thing for many, if not most, of us. In my 49 years one of the few things I HAVE learned is that you have to take a chance and dare to reach out. You can not gain a new friend or lover without declaring yourself to them. The risk of rejection and the hurt that goes with that is there, of course, but that's just part of life. Maybe the approach is different for each of us.

Iris, maybe you should try using eye contact, body language, a light touch on the cheek (your choice of which one). Maybe the struggle for the right words is what holds us back most times. If after that your special interest doesn't warm up to you, then you're probably wasting your time. I, for one, like a sexually agressive woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to express her wants and needs. Maybe as you get older, you lose some of that fear or just give up altogether. As for me, I'll be hitting on the gals in the nursing home as long as I have breath in my body.

After you've reached out a few times and get rejected, the sting is not quite so bad. At least you should feel better for having made the effort.

I wish you much success and happiness in this area.

Best of luck.

Phantom.

 

[Latina]

On our second date, his car had broken down 50 miles from home, and we strategized together to get us both safely home. He was so grateful that I had helped him instead of panicking him or dumping on him about having an unreliable car, that he kissed me at the end of the date, and the kiss turned into a very sweet and gentle French kiss, not at all pushy or forceful, but playful and romantic. For the next week, and through two more dates, I kept thinking about that French kiss, and wodering what his wonderful tongue would feel like on my clit. It was a fantasy bordering on obsession and a great way to get myself off on lonely nights. On our fourth date, we went out dancing at a club a few blocks from his home, and we went back to his house to talk, we listened to some mellow jazz, and we kissed. With most guys, I would not have dreamed of being sexually forward, but I was relaxed and comfortable with him, and as we kissed on his couch, I began unbuttoning my blouse. By the end of the night, I would not only get the answer to my question of what his tongue would feel like on my clit (as good or better as I imagined), but also to experience his cock in my mouth and my pussy. (We got married 3 months later).

My point is, if you are comfortable with the guy, if you feel connected with him and trust him, you WILL get over your shyness and find a way to be the sexual aggressor. If he is the right guy, it all will COME (pun intended).

-- Latina

 

[LittleRedDevil]

I think I belong in this club, too. I'll just sit in the back and take notes.

 

[Outlaw]

Take a chance...

There's nothing wrong with just jumping in.
I've been following this thread, and seriously guys, what's the harm.
If someone has been spending that much time with you, they're not going to cut and run because you come on to them. Even if they're not interested, a polite "no" is what you'll receive. It may embarrass you a bit, but that's not much of a risk considering what you have to gain.
Life is for living, I say. Follow your instincts; you have them for this very reason.
And anyone who doesn't appreciate your advances is someone you don't want anyway. Physical contact is one of only a few forms of communicating the pure desire for something.

 

[bluntforcemama]

I'm all about taking what you want. That's how I got my "lover." We were best friends for years, and I had always loved him, honestly. I'd never felt anything like that before. I finally made a move one day, and he was OUTRAGED! He wouldn't talk to me for a week, then finally came up to me and said, "OK, I want to try it, you're the coolest person I know." And that was 5 years ago... The reason I made the first move is because some men are dense. He had no idea I was flirting with him for a year, or in love with him. Who knows if it will last for much longer, but the point is that I made the first move, and it worked out! Good luck dear, and keep your chin up.

 

[Derya]

I have made the first move with guys most of my life. I don't know if I'm more confident than average or what, but I don't hesitate to ask people out and/or initiate physical encounters. Often it works, sometimes it doesn't. Actually, I am recognizing that maybe I am extremely confident.

I'm also a matter of fact type person and I found early on if I'm interested in someone I might as well initiate things and see where it goes. Why waste time wondering? If things don't go well, fine move on. If they do, time better spent. If I'm ready and interested, and thus initiate the physical side of things, again the sooner you move into to knowing if you are compatible on yet one more front.

I handle rejection by realizing the other person just wasn't attracted to me or wasn't attracted to me in the same way. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with me or that they are rejecting the "whole" me We just didn't click.

I think about how I feel when I decline an advance or whatever. It's seldom that I have bad feelings or disgust for the person who's asked me, I'm just not interested. Half the time declining an advance doesn't even really have to do with the other person, it can be time, place, someonelse you're interested in or seeing, moods, lord the list is endless. Also in many cases accepting or declining an advance is about chemistry, because often you don't really know each other. We make these choices based on physical attraction which is natural, but a peron's looks or body is not who or what the other person is. So when someone is turned down I see it as not really a rejection, but a choice, where someelse better matches one in a given time and place.

If it rejection of a sexual advance in a relationship then that really tells me something about where our relationship. Depending on the reason for the rejection it can be an asset to communicating and moving ahead, or an obvious sign of non-compatibility.

Just some random thoughts. I really never conceived how many people(male and females)are hesitant to be the aggressors.

http://megsplace.com/dolls/hatnature.gif

 

[Canadian Tongue]

Simple solution to the problem. If 99% of the women would say no, just ask 100 of them.