Why so many married guys looking for pussy

[jaylips69]

I have heard this a lot and it really is true, but has anyone every stopped and asked why? Has anyone ever listened to our side of the story?

I'm 57 year young and been married to the same wonderful lady for almost 39 years. I love her very much. However, for some reason she has lost any interest in sex and even affection. I still have a very active libido and great sex drive. What am I supposed to do? Don't say she needs counselling. I agree, but she has to be willing. Don't say it may be physical. I agree, but she has to be willing to see a doctor. Don't tell me to take things into my own hands. My wife has suggested that. I do it on a regular basis, but the need for an active sexual partner can only be substituted for so long and then it loses some of it's savor. There is nothing I would like more than wonderful affection (sometimes known as foreplay) and sex from the woman I love, but I haven't had that in months. And the last time I got it was seperated by 14 months from the previous time. I could probably handle it almost daily, even at my age, but would settle for just a couple times a week. Once a year just doesn't cut it.

Now you have heard a part of "The rest of the Story." Maybe there are times when looking for pussy on the side is justified. I would love to get some feedback on this.

Signed,
OMNL2NVA (Older Men Need Loving 2 iN VA)

 

[seduction586]

hi!

Sent an email reply to you

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm not married, and I'm not male. Let's just say I have a particular interest in this topic. Let me throw a little fuel on the fire you have just lit for this thread-

Not saying that I agree with this or not, but what about the concept that your wife broke HER wedding vows first by refusing your needs? Does that get you off the hook for breaking yours?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

[Angelique]

Interesting way to justify your actions...but for this gal, it doesn't fly. Ya' know why? Because when you recite your vows at your wedding, you promise "for better or worse". Seems to me that this is one of the "worse" times...and because you're not getting the attention you want and deserve, you want to go off and find it elsewhere. And to me, that is simply unforgivable.

If you're not happy with your current situation, and one or both parties is unwilling to seek counseling, then end the marriage. It's obvious that neither one is happy, so why stay married?

Oh wait...I can hear it coming now...companionship, right? Well, if all you want is a companion, get a dog/cat/or other pet. What's that you say? You LOVE each other? Well, if you love each other THAT much, then figure out a way to solve your differences on whatever it is that you're having trouble with!

When it comes to infidelity, there's no bargaining, at least in my book. *note exceptions of both partners are willing to bring in a third party...that's not the point I'm getting at here*

Cheyenne...only thing I can say to your comment is, two wrongs don't make a right. Again, if neither party is happy, why stay together?

So there's my take on it...for what it's worth...

 

[Thor's Hammer]

Angelique....a vote for your point of view. I was married for 38 years the first time before I ended it. (I'm not a quick study in relationships..and I'm "loyal") I never screwed around on the side... My advice...if it is not good for either party...end it and go look for what you want to find on a permanent basis.

[Edited by Thor's Hammer on 08-18-2000 at 10:52 AM]

 

[Katie]

...but what about the concept that your wife broke HER wedding vows first by refusing your needs? Does that get you off the hook for breaking yours?

Love, honor and provide sufficient amounts of nookie?


Jaylips...you've been married for 39 years to someone you've described as a wonderful woman. So i ask you this: are you willing to jeopardize your life with her for "a little pussy on the side?" Are you willing to hurt the woman who has been your partner for so long?

By messing around, you certainly will. Cheating isn't the answer.

Have you suggested going to counseling together?

 

[FlamingoBlue]

This isn't really about sex,Jay....

It is about intimacy, or the loss of it. I am just a few months shy of 57 and married for the 2nd time. That marriage wa unravelling for a variety of reasons until we decide to divorce. My wife bought a condo and moved out. We were both disconsulate without the other but knew we could not live together until we built a new foundation for a renewed relationship. Interestingly, intimacy returned to our relationship and so did lovemaking. We continue to care about each other, physically and emotionally, and neither of us has found it necessary to go to other for sex.

Your's is not a problem that is easily resolved. It is not about sex. It is about the nature of your whole relationship. Counselling may help to identify what each of you want out of the relaionship.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that you have "needs" but you also have responsibilities to your relationship. One of them is fidelity and another is honesty. If you are unhappy, maybe the answer is ultimately divorce but I strongly suggest that you do not look for sex outside of your marriage until you have made that decision and spoken to an attorney about the ramifications. After 35 years of marriage, if you are even moderately successful, a lttle sex on the side could cost you dearly, emotionally and financially.

If you want to chat more, e-mail me.

blue

 

[Jeff726]

I agree with Angelique. Looking for sex outside a marriage is wrong no two ways about it. I figure since you're pushing 60 you might have matured on that subject somewhat by now. Apparently not.

 

[CreamyLady]

If I might add something --

People stay married for many reasons, even if they are seeking a sexual partner outside marriage.

If they have been married any length of time, there are property issues, probably kids and grandchildren, and they may honestly like each other, and be good companions, without sex. To suggest a dog or cat is rude, and demeans the possiblity of commitment, nonsexual caring and friendship.

What goes on in a marriage is entirely between the people in it, and jumping all over someone who is frustrated with his current situation is not particularly helpful. You each, as I see it, equate marriage with happily ever after and continued monogamy. I'm sorry, but it isn't like that for everyone.



[Edited by CreamyLady on 08-18-2000 at 02:17 PM]

 

[Angelique]

If I might add something --

People stay married for many reasons, even if they are seeking a sexual partner outside marriage.

If they have been married any length of time, there are property issues, probably kids and grandchildren, and they may honest like each other, and be good companions, without sex. To suggest a dog or cat is rude, and demeans the possiblity of nonsexual caring and friendship.

What goes on in a marriage is entirely between the people in it, and jumping all over someone who is frustrated with his current situation is not particularly helpful. You each, as I see it, equate marriage with happily ever after and continued monogamy. I'm sorry, but it isn't like that for everyone.

My point, CL, was not to demean the possibility of a nonsexual, caring relationship...rather if that is the only reason for staying in one, while fucking around on your significant other WITHOUT them knowing about it, I think that a pet would suffice. You can have the companionship of a pet, and still go out and screw whoever you please.

Clearly, Jay has not given us enough information regarding ALL of his reasons for seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. And I did make a note towards the end of my thread regarding married couples who wish to bring in a third party. Perhaps I should have added the fact that if there's nothing left of a relationship, other than staying together for the sake of staying together, then my ideas mentioned above are my own beliefs.

I think it's crap that people "stay together for the sake of the kids" and go screwing around on each other in a sneaky manner. The children will eventually pick up on what's going on, and grow up with the belief that it's ok to commit adultry. Why wouldn't it? Mom and dad did it! I also think it's crap that people stay together because they don't believe in divorce, even IF the marriage has become nothing more than a piece of paper. If it's a religious belief, then it goes back to commiting adultry as being wrong, per the bible, so infidelity shouldn't be an issue at all. It would be hypocritical to say "I don't believe in divorce because of my religion, so I'm going to commit adultry."

So to reiterate my earlier point...if there's nothing left of a relationship to warrant it being the definition of a marriage, then why not just divorce?

The only definition that webster gives to the word marriage is this: The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife. Wedlock. A wedding. A close union.

If that's all there is to it, why get married at all? Isn't marriage supposed to consist of intimacy, friendship, sex, good times AND bad? Is it not a sacred union? Have you not vowed to forsake all others...honor your partner? What kind of honor is shown in infidelity?

I'm not at all attempting to make marriage sound as though it will be a blissful union 24/7 for the remainder of the couple's life...rather, if you're willing to sign your name on the dotted line and make a commitment to the union of joining your life with another, that to degrade it by screwing around is wrong. Those are my views and I'll stand by them 'til the day I die.

CL, you say "If they have been married any length of time, there are property issues, probably kids and grandchildren, and they may honest like each other, and be good companions, without sex." and I wholeheartedly agree with you on the fact that a marriage can exist without sex. But it seems obvious to me that BOTH parties MUST agree that they WANT their relationship to be that way. The way I understood Jay, he is clearly not happy with the way their relationship is going at the moment. That is why I said the things I said in my earlier post. It's a two way street, and if one partner is parked on the side of the road while the other is screaming down the highway at 70 miles/hour, then I just don't see the point in continuing.

End of rant.

 

[Jeff726]

I am a very strong believer in once you are married you are to stay committed to that person for life and if you can't then get out of it instead of cheating on your spouse, thereby breaking more hearts along the way. I also do not believe in things like swinging and the like even if it is between consenting adults. If others like it that is fine and I wouldn't think any less of you for it. That is just not for me is what I am saying. Am I old school? Yeah, but I do have an open mind and respect others' choices. Just don't expect me to go to any swinger parties or anything like that once I do meet my special someone. I plan to devote all my energy to loving her.

And if that makes me boring to some people, so what. I am happy with who I am and what I believe in. And if you are happy then that's great, too.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Just don't expect me to go to any swinger parties or anything like that

Note To Self: Cancel that "Caligula Birthday Bash" invite to Jeff.

Originally posted by Jeff726 I plan to devote all my energy to loving her.

Plan on being more concerned about the two of you than in idolizing her. Believe me, that's what it's about my young Padawan Apprentice.

 

[Jeff726]

Padawan Apprentice? Hmmmmm you learn something new every day I guess!

And you're right Dixon. I am just the old fashioned romantic young boy seeking his kindred soul. I am Lit's posterboy for romance it seems, lol.

 

[jaylips69]

Thanks for the Replies; Keep em coming

Like I say, thanks for the replies, but I wanted to elaborate more on my situation and my feelings.

First of all let me say, I love my wife very much. I even consider myself lucky to have married such a wonderful person. Our lack of sex does not take one thing from her still being that wonderful person she is. For the purpose of explanation, lets say if we had sex every day , and for easier calculations, say the sex lasted an hour. That would be 1/24 of a day, or a little over 4% of our life. Everyone knows that is not true, but it makes for a good starting point. Am I going to give up what I still consider the best person I have ever met for less than 4% dissatisfaction? I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I damn sure ain't that stupid.

Secondly, I definitely agree that sex outside my marriage is wrong. I don't want sex from anyone else. I want it from my wife. I am currently corresponding with a couple of women, but have not had sex with them. Would I? Even though I know it is wrong, I would be lying if I said that under the right conditions I wouldn't have sex with either of them. And believe me, it is not just sex, but intimacy in it's entirety that is the problem. It gets very hard to be pushed away almost daily from the person you love more than anything in the world. You become very vulnerable to anyone that will show you some affection. If you haven't been there, don't knock me for the way I feel. I am just being open and honest about my feelings, which I also share with my wife.

Are there possessions and family to think about? Not only yes, but Hell Yes!!! I am long past millionare status. Not a brag, by any means, just a fact. I have the beautiful home on 3 acres and an RV and a Beach House that I just paid cash for. However, I would give it all up tomorrow and retire to a doublewide in Alabama just to live in complete happiness with my sweet bride of almost 39 years. As far as the kids are concerned, both of my daughters want to see us happy again and would give anything also to see us get the counselling we need to get this intimacy problem solved. They used to brag to their school friends about how loving their parents were, which was true. All I want is to get that back, not with someone else, but with my wife.

I am working on counselling. I wanted her to go with me, but she doesn't think there is anything wrong. She thinks it is normal for her libido to decrease as she gets older and that I am the one that is abnormal for still having the libido that I have, which has lost nothing with age. At first she didn't even want me going to counselling by myself. However, I have convinced her that I am going whether she like it or not. That is better than me getting counselling in another woman's bed. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it better and eventually be able to get her in counselling with me.

I am sure you have heard the saying, "between a rock and a hard place." Well that is where I am, and I was seeking a little understanding. I do a good enough job of getting down on myself for having sexual feelings for others outside my marriage. I really don't need any help with that. Hopefully, the counselling I am about to start will be a little more understanding and a little less judgemental.

With that off my chest, I really want to say in all earnestness, I love you all, whether you have been negative or positive. Keep the comments coming. I'm a big boy and I can take it, whether it is good or bad. I can alway handle honesty, whether it is for me or against me. And I will always respond in kind.

Thanks again.

Jay

 

[Guest]

Jaylips69, why don't you just go get yourself one of those "singing blow jobs" for $10 that funny_guy talked about over on that other thread?

 

[Flagg]

I'm a faithful person. I have remained faithful to my partner for the four and a half years we have been together. On reading this thread though, it occured to me that we, as humans, perhaps take this whole thing a little too seriously.

What is sex? Crudely defined, it is the insertion of an erect penis into a moist vagina thus providing each individual with pleasure.

Why is that so threatening I wonder? Why does it define fidelity? Is this just a moral code of conduct handed on to us by christianity that we all feel we must adhere to without really knowing why?

Mmm, interesting thread.

 

[morgainefairy]

hmmmm....

*sigh* i lost my post, so i will condense a bit....

1)are you sure she is faithful? i don't think it's that normal for her to have that low of a sex drive. is she okay with it? maybe she could take hormones.

2)all marriages are different. would she object to you finding another woman for sex? maybe you could even have her meet them and decide herself. personally, my husband and i enjoy occasionally bringing a friend into our bed.

3)maybe you could approach the subject of counselling by asking her to go FOR you rather than WITH you. then perhaps she would see it more as helping you and not "her" problem.

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

I am in the same boat as you. I have been with the same man for 3 years and it has been almost 10 months since the last time we have any sexual realtions. He says he sees nothing wrong with it. I have giving up asking at this point. But I haven't come to the point of looking elsewhere for it either. I love him but I don't know if my body can wait till he is ready. So it is not only married men that feel this way.

 

[morgainefairy]

BWL--
we'll take you in!
mmmmm...naughty or nice?
oh, the ideas!

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

LOL thanks for the offer I may hold you too it.

 

[Thumper]

Birthday bash!!!!!

Hey Dixon can I come to the Caligula party??? Huh please...and can I bring a Bonnie Wee Lassie?

Ahhh Jeff... nothing like naivete....methinks you might as well paint the word "WELCOME" on your forehead now... Did you say seeking, or stalking?

I asked my wife if I could date.....Fido is pissed, I take all the covers...J/K

 

[Laurel]

What is sex? Crudely defined, it is the insertion of an erect penis into a moist vagina thus providing each individual with pleasure.

Why is that so threatening I wonder? Why does it define fidelity? Is this just a moral code of conduct handed on to us by christianity that we all feel we must adhere to without really knowing why?

I'm inclined to agree - to a point. I think most people try to force their relationships into a cookie cutter that society approves for them. They marry because they're The Age to Get Married. They have kids because that's what they think they're supposed to do. They act like Married People, without every questioning the "rules".

IMHO what's reprehensible about infidelity isn't the sex with outside parties. I see nothing morally wrong with swinging. What IS repugnant is lying to your spouse and making a fool out of them. I've known men who cheat on their wives, and it's never a secret. Their friends know. Often, her friends know. And they all look down on the wife with a mixture of pity and amusement. So not only are you lying to the person you're supposed to love more than anyone else, you're making that person a laughingstock.

And that's not just a married thing either. If you agree to date some guy seriously but then go boff his best friend, you're a jerk. When you give your word and then break it, you are morally in the wrong. Lying hurts people. I have to agree with Angelique's interpretation. To lie to and humiliate your spouse because you "don't want to break up your family" is deplorable.

That said, I don't think that reading erotic stories on your own is a bad thing. And I do know men and women who have regular cybersex outside of their marriage and their spouses are fine with it.

Here's a question for you kids: suppose your spouse/lover regularly enjoys video cybersex with hired models on an adult site. Would you consider that cheating? Now, suppose it wasn't a hired model that he or she cybered with, but a "normal" person. Is THAT cheating? If your answers differ, why?

 

[morgainefairy]

hey, thumper!!!

didn't you see my dibs on BWL?
*kicking and throwing tantrum* it's my turn! it's my turn!