Why is it so damn hard??

[MrNiceGuy]

Preamble: I know the Lit boards are mostly flirting and fucking, but I think of a lot of you as friends, and I must vent off-topic for a moment...

Why is it so difficult to find someone to love? My peers in my location are impossible (22yo in San Diego, CA). Either they seem to just want to go clubbing and get shitfaced, or they're looking for the quick fuck. I hate it when I drop them off during the first date and they either invite me up (wink) or one was even so bold as to rub my crotch and lick her lips. Sure, it's fun, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

I want someone to connect with. I want someone to care for. I want to wake up in the morning and know that when I wake up ten thousand mornings in the future, I will look upon the same face and feel total contentment.

This has lately drawn me to older women - I meet them in a pub, museum, etc., and we have a great conversation - most of them really click with me. Then, when they realize that there is a real connection, the age gap pulls them away. Phone calls don't get returned or they admit that they are scared and their social inhibitions prevent a relationship from happening.

Emotionally, I'm at an impasse. My physical peers are bland products of commercialism, raised by MTV. My mental peers are either too inhibited or self-concious to allow an involvement.



As I write this, I'm reminded of lyrics from Jefferson Airplane (I think):

"Don't you want somebody to love? / Don't you need somebody to love? / Wouldn't you love somebody to love? / You've gotta find somebody to love."

Thanks for listening - I just had to get it off of my chest.

- Mike.

 

[EvilSmurf]

I understand completely MrNiceGuy, i felt exactly the same way not so long ago, i have even been told by a lady friend to "go do what young guys my age should be doing".
So after getting hurt too many times, im doing just that, i know that one day i will find the one that will wake with me in the mornings many times over, but until then, all i can say to you is enjoy yourself, be yourself, and one day when you least expect it, everything will fall into place.

 

[ShiningEyes]

Preamble: I know the Lit boards are mostly flirting and fucking, but I think of a lot of you as friends, and I must vent off-topic for a moment...

Why is it so difficult to find someone to love? My peers in my location are impossible (22yo in San Diego, CA). Either they seem to just want to go clubbing and get shitfaced, or they're looking for the quick fuck. I hate it when I drop them off during the first date and they either invite me up (wink) or one was even so bold as to rub my crotch and lick her lips. Sure, it's fun, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

I want someone to connect with. I want someone to care for. I want to wake up in the morning and know that when I wake up ten thousand mornings in the future, I will look upon the same face and feel total contentment.

This has lately drawn me to older women - I meet them in a pub, museum, etc., and we have a great conversation - most of them really click with me. Then, when they realize that there is a real connection, the age gap pulls them away. Phone calls don't get returned or they admit that they are scared and their social inhibitions prevent a relationship from happening.

Emotionally, I'm at an impasse. My physical peers are bland products of commercialism, raised by MTV. My mental peers are either too inhibited or self-concious to allow an involvement.



As I write this, I'm reminded of lyrics from Jefferson Airplane (I think):

"Don't you want somebody to love? / Don't you need somebody to love? / Wouldn't you love somebody to love? / You've gotta find somebody to love."

Thanks for listening - I just had to get it off of my chest.

- Mike.

Hun, everyone finds this problem throughout their life!!! You are young. And most of your peers are thinking about the LONG life they have ahead of them. I'm almost in the same boat. I'm looking for something specific right now. Right now I don't want a bf. I want more friends untill I can find what I want in a bf. If you look to hard you'll never find it. Love finds you, Mike. It really does. Once you stop looking you'll find that more and more people approach you wanting much of the same things you do. It's been my experience anyway. I'm 21 yrs old. While I'm on the hunt for the "Right Man", I'll gladly take a fuck buddy that is like minded. That's the only way I'll do that. I want someone that is going to satisfy my sexually since I'm not in a relationship right now.

Patience is the biggest thing. Love will find you. It's out there. Just hard to find. Usually it's right under your nose but won't show itself untill you are ready for it. Please don't take what I'm saying offensively. Just been my experience and that's the advice given to me from so many others! lol

Good luck in your search and I truely hope you find what you are looking for. If you ever just want a friend to chat with, I'm always available. Just post me a message, pm me, or email me!
Take care!
~hugs and kisses~

 

[lilrosie lips]

Mike, as an older woman, you never said how much older and I am lots older - 46, so this may or not be appropriate, but let me explain it a bit from my perspective. I could meet you, enjoy talking to you and probably find you very sexually attractive and I would like the other woman you describe be very leary of taking it further. And it's not because I don't like you or think your too young. It's because I think I am too old. I am divorced, childless, I don't want to spend the rest of my life without love or a companion. But at the same time I would be very hesitant. I can remember what I thought and felt at 22... I wanted kids, I wanted a man to grow old with. You probably want the same things too.. I could not give you children, I am long past that. I would probably die long before you too. And how long in the future would it become more like living with your mother or aunt than a lover? How long would it be before you looked at me and said "why am I with this old woman?" When you are 40 I would be 64. You would still be in the prime of your life and I would be an old woman. And yes sometimes relationships with that much of an age difference do work, most often they don't. Yes all relationships can fall apart, but with someone closer to your own age, you have shared rememberances and common ground to build upon. These are some of the thoughts that go thru a older womans mind when they meet an attractive younger man.

All that said sweetie.... I wish you all the joy and luck and happiness life has to throw at you. Go out and grab it and hold on to it. You will find your love... just when you least expect it.

Blowing you a

 

[buckminsterfutt]

We understand your frustration. And ya got a good heart, dude.

It's just that the "Tao of Relationships" takes years to learn.

Probably the single most difficult lesson is that if you pursue something like a relationship with all your focus, it doesn't ever seem to work. It just ain't gonna happen. It's when you stop the direct headlong pursuit of this objective and you let things just happen on their own -- it finds you.

I know how fuckin' stupid that sounds. I'm an geek engineer - I know squat about shit like this -- but what I'm saying is absolutely 100% accurate to 5 decimal places. I'm sure there is some quantum flux theory that will someday explain all the weird ass shit in life and why things operate in the counterintuitive way they seem to do, then all this relationship judo will make sense to bonehead dudes like us.

__________________________

-- So if you find other activities and interests to focus the obvious
energy and intensity that you have in abundunce. ..

-- And if you just do some things that you wanna do just cuz
you like doing them, -- sports, classes or whatever...

-- And if you genuinely give up trying so hard to find ms. right....

-- She will pop into your life!!

Promise. It happens exactly like that every time...

Oh BTW Relax a little in regards to making so many judgements about people. And cut yourself a litte slack, too. You are wound up waaay too tight, man. It ain't helpin'

Life is too fuckin' short and you can't get out of it alive anyway.

best regards,

buckminster futt - standup eastern philosopher, geek
______________________________
"Ya got to dig it while its happening because
it just might be a one shot deal. " -- Frank Zappa

 

[LoneOne]

Hey, M.NiceGuy I know how you feel.
20 years old and suffering the Mr.NiceGuy-syndrom how i call it. (I call it that way because I often hear how nice and friendly I am, so it has nothing to do with your name)

I´m living in Germany and I don´t know why but the girls (at my age and younger) here are often more interested in losing their virginity/or just having sex by/with an machoman who give nothing about their feelings (often this is an 15 minute or less thing how I know) as with a guy who would realy care about them.

As an interesting fact, i´m together with a girl some hours or so and I will know the total livestory of this girl (2 out of 3 times) this is also the reason how I know about this 15 minutes thing.

My problem is that, from this time on the girls call me a friend and somehow they have a strict policy about relationships with friends. (Don´t do it!!!)

The next time I meet them, these girls are often together with a macho looking like a giant mutated gopher. Not that I have something against these tiny little creatures but an hour later
the girls tell me that this guy is an idiot etc.

I don´t understand the girls at my age, why do they have sex with them if they don´t like them

(sorry for some grammar mistakes, I´m working on my english)

 

[psyche]

nice guys

Girls who have been raised in a chaotic environment will often be attracted to men who are 'bad boys' rather than to nice guys. I have seen this pattern in my own attractions to men. My father was an alcoholic and throughout my teenage years I would invariably choose those guys who treated me badly. It was as if I found the guys who treated me well boring. One of my friends once told me that she knew her husband was the one when he was pounding his fist into the dashboard and screaming at her. Pretty sad isn't it? Well, this pattern continued for me, and my husband was one of those bad boys. He is not boring by any means, but he is high maintenance, constantly requiring my attention and very controlling. He is also emotionally unstable which is also very hard to cope with. I look with envy at people who have husbands who are not nearly as exciting but who would be a hell of a lot easier to live with. He does have his good qualities, but he is wearing me out. I could use a nice guy in my life!

 

[LoneOne]

Good point, it seem like the world get more sick with every generation and I also think it´s some kind of a pschological phenomen
These girls I meet all have a story like you and sometimes I think it is something like a masochistic tendency exspecialy in cases where the girls ever returns to the people who are the reason of their pain.

How I have written in the first post, It seems that I have the abilty to offering a warm/and lovely feeling to them,otherwise I don´t know why they are talking about so many things with me, but everytime it just ends in talking. (I remember that this is so since I was 13 or so)
After a while I was thinking I am a hobby psychiatrist for these girls and also some woman, maybe because I´m a good listener, don´t know exaxtly why.

The problem is I have other qualities as well, somehow they never think about these things in connection with me.
(I think it has nothing to do with the look, good, I´m not Mr.Universe but how a girl told me some time ago I´m not the worst looking guy either.)

I´ve read so many how-to books, articles and psychological books about womans over the last years and I wish I could try to learn these things in reallty to serve a ladie with more warm and good feelings that she could ever be imagine
but I don´t think that I will meet a ladie the next time who isn´t interested in talking only.

I gave it up long ago to search for such a woman, but hey maybe she is dropping into my live someday.

 

[wildrose70]

Ffirst of all...I must say I admire your thinking and and also understand your frustations...as being the prbly most *mature* woman on Lit...you see I refuse to use the word old any longer...it took me awhile to stop thinking of myself in that light...I truly enjoy the attention of a younger man....not because I think they would be better in bed..but they do listen and they enjoy talking to someone who isnt giggling and has nothing to offer as far as a intelligent conversation...it also took me many years to realize they truly are interested in a woman ....for more than a quick bed-time companion....
You seen to have a gentle soul...and sound like a very nice person...and I'm saying that in a complimentary fashion....good guys do come in first...you just have to find the right person...
Wishing you luck and dont give up on some of the more mature women..sometimes it's takes them awhile to realize you are interested in the total person

 

[wildrose70]

First of all...I must say I admire your thinking and and also understand your frustations...as being the prbly most *mature* woman on Lit...you see I refuse to use the word old any longer...it took me awhile to stop thinking of myself in that light...I truly enjoy the attention of a younger man....not because I think they would be better in bed..but they do listen and they enjoy talking to someone who isnt giggling and has nothing to offer as far as a intelligent conversation...it also took me many years to realize they truly are interested in a woman ....for more than a quick bed-time companion....
You seen to have a gentle soul...and sound like a very nice person...and I'm saying that in a complimentary fashion....good guys do come in first...you just have to find the right person...
Wishing you luck and dont give up on some of the more mature women..sometimes it's takes them awhile to realize you are interested in the total person

 

[wildrose70]

Oh dang I hate it when this is smarter than I am

 

[floridaguy64]

I too........... Have seen the light........

First of all...I must say I admire your thinking and and also understand your frustations...as being the prbly most *mature* woman on Lit...you see I refuse to use the word old any longer...it took me awhile to stop thinking of myself in that light...I truly enjoy the attention of a younger man....not because I think they would be better in bed..but they do listen and they enjoy talking to someone who isnt giggling and has nothing to offer as far as a intelligent conversation...it also took me many years to realize they truly are interested in a woman ....for more than a quick bed-time companion....
You seen to have a gentle soul...and sound like a very nice person...and I'm saying that in a complimentary fashion....good guys do come in first...you just have to find the right person...
Wishing you luck and dont give up on some of the more mature women..sometimes it's takes them awhile to realize you are interested in the total person

I was going to offer you some advice, as a man about to hit the big four'ohhhhhhshit................... but Rose put it ever so eloquently. When I was your age, I too looked for companionship, intellectual stimulation and then sex.

At 22-25, I was a true slut puppy....age not important.

Now it's all about what Rose said............ and be patient. Life as I'm finding out year by year can't be rushed, you have to enjoy it as it happens.

 

[wildrose70]

And I didn't start reaching my sexual peak till in my 60's so there is hope

 

[floridaguy64]

And I didn't start reaching my sexual peak till in my 60's so there is hope

Well, if I wasn't peaking for the last 20 years....... somebody better watch out, is all I can say!

 

[LoneOne]

Re: I too........... Have seen the light........

I was going to offer you some advice, as a man about to hit the big four'ohhhhhhshit................... but Rose put it ever so eloquently. When I was your age, I too looked for companionship, intellectual stimulation and then sex.

At 22-25, I was a true slut puppy....age not important.

Now it's all about what Rose said............ and be patient. Life as I'm finding out year by year can't be rushed, you have to enjoy it as it happens.

A slut puppy, interesting... to my poor english slang skills (everyday learning new words,german school english don´t help you with that) I think you mean that you served every woman you could get or something like that, please correct my if I´m wrong with that.

My problem is that I think I could only have real fun with girls who have great potential of fantasy, an open-mind for everything
(I think most of the girls I meet so far, do not think that there are so many ways a man can give pleasure to a woman, ->15 minutes? where is the foreplay that so many experienced woman want and love)
and have some intellect so that you can talk with her without questionmarks in her eyes or have her giggle about your comments that we have really big social problems in our world etc.

I love funny and humorus girls but the girls in and around my town are just childish, the most german girls I meet are like this and I don´t want to sleep with them, don´t ask why but I would feel bad, sick or better sad about it

 

[floridaguy64]

Re: Re: I too........... Have seen the light........

A slut puppy, interesting... to my poor english slang skills (everyday learning new words,german school english don´t help you with that) I think you mean that you served every woman you could get or something like that, please correct my if I´m wrong with that.

My problem is that I think I could only have real fun with girls who have great potential of fantasy, an open-mind for everything
(I think most of the girls I meet so far, do not think that there are so many ways a man can give pleasure to a woman, ->15 minutes? where is the foreplay that so many experienced woman want and love)
and have some intellect so that you can talk with her without questionmarks in her eyes or have her giggle about your comments that we have really big social problems in our world etc.

I love funny and humorus girls but the girls in and around my town are just childish, the most german girls I meet are like this and I don´t want to sleep with them, don´t ask why but I would feel bad, sick or better sad about it

Slut-puppy as in.... most women 18 and up, and lot's of them. I was a hotel maintenance supervisor at the time, living on property as well, so you can just imagine the possibilities. Actually, I'm in the process of writing a manuscript about what it was like to be a maintenance man back in the early 1980's.... it's proving to be a lot of fun so far.

Also, I know what you mean regarding younger european women. The few that I've met seem either too childish or way too mature for their age. Go figure!

Hang in there.... it'll happen for you!

 

[LoneOne]

Re: Re: Re: I too........... Have seen the light........

Slut-puppy as in.... most women 18 and up, and lot's of them. I was a hotel maintenance supervisor at the time, living on property as well, so you can just imagine the possibilities. Actually, I'm in the process of writing a manuscript about what it was like to be a maintenance man back in the early 1980's.... it's proving to be a lot of fun so far.

Also, I know what you mean regarding younger european women. The few that I've met seem either too childish or way too mature for their age. Go figure!

Hang in there.... it'll happen for you!

I hope so.