Why I dropped out of the Olympics and abandoned my last chance to win the Gold.

[shereads]

I fall down a lot.


Edited to add: Ice is a slippery son-of-a-bitch!

 

[MissBri]

 

[shereads]

I'm a better drunk now.

That's not an Olympic event. But you can bet there's a Hughes sister waiting in the wings, just in case.

 

[MissBri]

 

[shereads]

Snowboarding exhausts me and makes me hurt all over. I keep waiting for the inevitable sound of snapping bones. Where are these kids' parents when they're flying through the air like victims of an explosion? Do they have nerves of steel?

For the same reason, I used to change channels whenever Calista Flockhart was on-screen; I just knew that skinny little neck was going to give under the weight of her head at any second, and I couldn't bear to watch.

Also: why ice dancing? Isn't it just Pairs Figure Skating with cheesy costumes and bad acting?

 

[oggbashan]

1. Because I saw the Chinese pair skating crash on an attempted quadruple tonight.

2. Because I learned to skate in Australia and there was too much Foster's beer around to tempt me away from practice sessions.

Og

 

[Norajane]

Because my body betrayed me some time during my teen years by growing breasts and hips. Calista Flockhart would be much easier to lift and throw around than I.

 

[Samandiriel]

Apparently cheating is frowned upon....wtf?

What a little vegetable oil on the skis makes you go faster?

Icy Hot in the competitors undies was a gift of warmth.

Luge....Loogie....not the same thing, who would have thought it? I didn't take French.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm the only native-born Canadian who can't skate.

Don't tell anyone. It's a capital crime up here.

 

[Rope64]

Apparently cheating is frowned upon....wtf?

What do you mean? The hottest dance spot of the winter olympics is Club Nancy Kerrigan.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

What do you mean? The hottest dance spot of the winter olympics is Club Nancy Kerrigan.

*clutching knee* WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????

 

[RogueLurker]

I'm the only native-born Canadian who can't skate.

Don't tell anyone. It's a capital crime up here.

Well, I'm only a fraction better off than you, RG.

I learned to skate ... but never actually learned how to stop. Thank god for the boards and snowbanks.

 

[zeb1094]

Well back in 02 they took my license away so I can no longer pilot bobs sled down that funny lookin' freeway they got up in them hills.

 

[rgraham666]

Well, I'm only a fraction better off than you, RG.

I learned to skate ... but never actually learned how to stop. Thank god for the boards and snowbanks.

LOL

 

[R. Richard]

I'm the only native-born Canadian who can't skate.

Don't tell anyone. It's a capital crime up here.

Actually RG, its not that bad. You can play goalie!

 

[rgraham666]

Actually RG, its not that bad. You can play goalie!

You want me to stand there while people demonstrate that E = 1/2Mv^2 with hard rubber objects?

I'm only crazy.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I've been watching women's snowboarding. I mean, WTF?

You've got these little punky girls in baggy jumpsuits doing things that are supposed to be done drunk and semi-naked near a bonfire, and people treat it like it's a sport. The tricks they do don't look like they take skill as much as they just take intoxication. I mean, anyone going up the side of a half-pipe at 40 miles an hour is going to start spinning around and grabbing major air anyhow, aren't they?

I'm looking for rolling-down-a-hill-inside-an-empty-refrigerator-box as the next big sport, or maybe just staggering-through-rush-hour-traffic. Maybe it'll be falling out of grocery carts as they're pushing into walls. That's my own specialty.

 

[R. Richard]

You want me to stand there while people demonstrate that E = 1/2Mv^2 with hard rubber objects?

I'm only crazy.

This is what they warned you about back when you decided not to learn to skate! Besides, you get to wear pads and a mask.

 

[elsol]

I've been watching women's snowboarding. I mean, WTF?

You've got these little punky girls in baggy jumpsuits doing things that are supposed to be done drunk and semi-naked near a bonfire, and people treat it like it's a sport. The tricks they do don't look like they take skill as much as they just take intoxication. I mean, anyone going up the side of a half-pipe at 40 miles an hour is going to start spinning around and grabbing major air anyhow, aren't they?

I'm looking for rolling-down-a-hill-inside-an-empty-refrigerator-box as the next big sport, or maybe just staggering-through-rush-hour-traffic. Maybe it'll be falling out of grocery carts as they're pushing into walls. That's my own specialty.

*cough*cough*

It's not the 'flight pattern'.... it's the landing part.

See if I stick you in a plane... sure, you can probably keep it in the air until it runs out of gas.

But can you set it down and walk away.

Take skiing, luge, skeleton, bobsled... realistically speaking it's going down very fast; fuck gravity does that... it's the not-killing-yourself that you get points for.

So sure, go up a half-pipe on a piece of plywood going 40 miles an hour, while sober, I'll gladly put money down to watch you land on your head, which is the most likely result.

Sincerely,
elSo

 

[shereads]

Why not Olympic Falling? Athletes compete by being dropped from increasing heights until, one by one, they give up.

 

[elsol]

Why not Olympic Falling? Athletes compete by being dropped from increasing heights until, one by one, they give up.

Have you ever seen these people jump off a helicopter onto the side of a mountain and ski down the slope?

Seriously, we're just not suicidal enough for what these people come up with.

I mean consider downhill... 80 miles an hour on two pieces of wood less than inch thick, maybe 4 inches wide.

I don't like to go eighty in my car, which has air bags.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[CharleyH]

I fall down a lot.


Edited to add: Ice is a slippery son-of-a-bitch!

You kill me! LOL It was the ice, and the "man made" snow!

 

[rgraham666]

This is what they warned you about back when you decided not to learn to skate! Besides, you get to wear pads and a mask.

I'm remembering the old Mad Magazine 'Hockey Primer'.

See the Hockey Goalie.
He wears pad on his chest.
He wear pads on his hips.
He has a cup protector.
He has pads on his arms and legs.
He wears a face mask and a helmet.
The only thing exposed is an inch and a half of his neck.
What is the point of hockey?
To hit the goalie in the neck with the puck.

Thanks, but no.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

*cough*cough*

...


So sure, go up a half-pipe on a piece of plywood going 40 miles an hour, while sober, I'll gladly put money down to watch you land on your head, which is the most likely result.

Sincerely,
elSo

So it's the head landing that everyone's hoping to see?

Maybe I can do this sport then.

But never mind that. Biathlon's on--skiing and shooting guns. Why don't they have a slalom biathlon? Make it interesting?

Or downhill on-fire skiiing? Set yourself on fire and ski? That would liven things up.

I hear they're going to have snowboard racing too, with 4 people going at a time. That should be good. I'd like to see figure 8 speed skating too with people having to duck and dodge each other at the intersection.

 

[oggbashan]

Or downhill on-fire skiiing? Set yourself on fire and ski? That would liven things up.

That is usually part of the closing ceremony. Skiers come down the slopes carrying flaming torches. If they do catch fire, all the have to do is roll in the snow...

Og