Why i don't like nice guys

[ataxia.girl]

So it seems like a lot of subbies have problems with being attracted to assholes, kind of like women in general. i'm not speaking for male subs or men because well i'm not one but i think i have figured out to a degree, for me, why it is i am so attracted to bad guys.

i used to think it was the savior thing, that i wanted to save them and i had a love affair rather like that in my early twenties that was very consuming. That is not the place i am coming from any more. i am coming from somewhere much more selfish and base. i have very serious self esteem issues despite being attractive and successful. Nothing i do seems to make it any better so i look for someone else to fix it, to give me worth.

Now comes the critical part. The nice guys are happy to love me and think i'm wondeful and take care of me but their esteem has very little value to me. Why? Because they would treat any nice, successful, pretty girl that way. Them loving me does not mean i'm special at all. The love of someone who is virtually incapable of love means so much more. PLUS i have to be taken down down down to the basest level and seen and understood there, pushed to the yucky dehumanizing places they will not push me. Why? Because that is how i feel about myself, that is what i believe i am and so i NEED them to see me way down there, if they refuse to see me down there but still say they love me then they don't because they haven't really seen me have they? No.

i want the badest of the bad who is incapable of loving anyone to push and see me at the lowest of the low and then love me. Because i am so low, so much nothing that is the only thing i think that can save me.

See...its not about me saving them. Its about them saving me and when i find one of those guys i will literally do anything for them to get that holy grail, their love. How's that for fucked up?

Now i know damn well that even were i to attain this holy grail i would immediately question their love and require more and more proof. i would also need to be pushed lower and lower and then loved more and more deeply.

There are no winners in this scenario and yet i am positive i will do it again.

 

[Primalex]

Did I get your number already?

 

[Mitsouko]

If you need any introductions I am sure there are tons of women on lit happy to help you out

 

[ataxia.girl]

okay i didn't mean for this to sound like a personal lol

i'm on sabbatical at the moment.

 

[Primalex]

*twiddles thumbs*

How long does the moment last?

 

[ataxia.girl]

*twiddles thumbs*

How long does the moment last?

Its hard to say but i'm pretty sure longer is better.

 

[pellso27]

enough already crawl under me

 

[madetotakeit]

I don't want the nice guy, but neither do I want the all out bad boy. I want a blend of the two. I have an appreciation for the softer side of relationships that a nice guy can provide. At the same time I need the harsher side that a bad boy will provide. If I am with a purely nice guy I end up subverting part of who I am. I need to go places that are...darker, not so pretty. I feel I can not reveal those parts of me if I don't know he has a need to go there himself. I want the man who can at one moment make me feel loved above all else, turn around hurt and debase me, and then make me feel loved again. He sees all of me and as a result I would feel free to love completely. I need a balance, someone who sees the smile in my eyes and the tears running from my eyes and reacts to them equally.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I feel I can not reveal those parts of me if I don't know he has a need to go there himself.

ditto

i have had them try to go there for me and it doesn't work. They have to need it as much as i do.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

The sentiments expressed here are really moving, that need to plumb the darkness, to go to the places that are frightful and needing that person who will go there with you because they HAVE to go there as well.

It seems there is hope after all.

 

[licker4450]

I don't want the nice guy, but neither do I want the all out bad boy. I want a blend of the two. I have an appreciation for the softer side of relationships that a nice guy can provide. At the same time I need the harsher side that a bad boy will provide. If I am with a purely nice guy I end up subverting part of who I am. I need to go places that are...darker, not so pretty. I feel I can not reveal those parts of me if I don't know he has a need to go there himself. I want the man who can at one moment make me feel loved above all else, turn around hurt and debase me, and then make me feel loved again. He sees all of me and as a result I would feel free to love completely. I need a balance, someone who sees the smile in my eyes and the tears running from my eyes and reacts to them equally.

A blend is always good-it makes things more exciting. I look like a clean cut guy by all appearances. Yet I have been told many times that I am so bad. I dont necessarily agree with this sentiment. I will tell you that I do walk to the beat of my own drummer. I made a choice how I life my life and that is what I do. If people dont like it, tough. And I have little issue telling them that.

I chose to be involed in BDSM because this is where I know I belong. If it is not up to someone else standards, so what. That is their issue not mine.

 

[Netzach]

People who fall too far to the bad boy/nice guy stereotypes are both too insecurity-driven to work well for me. I appreciate not being entirely sure what I see is what I get. That said, I've never remained interested in an asshole once revealed to be an asshole. A relationship only has room enough for one asshole in it, and that's me.

 

[ataxia.girl]

People who fall too far to the bad boy/nice guy stereotypes are both too insecurity-driven to work well for me. I appreciate not being entirely sure what I see is what I get. That said, I've never remained interested in an asshole once revealed to be an asshole. A relationship only has room enough for one asshole in it, and that's me.

Completely agree. The stereotypical asshole holds no interest for me, very boring. If i know i can't get what i am looking for from them i don't bother getting started. When there is a hint they might be an asshole i'm attracted, because then the possiblity of that ever elusive love of someone who doesn't love but possibly could if they met someone truly special draws me in. Once they are revealed as a complete asshole who truly cannot love anyone but themselves i am done.

The ones who keep you guessing long term are my favorite and the ones i just cannot stay away from.

 

[pellso27]

you rock

 

[bwallard]

So you want to be so lovable that even he who can not love will love you. And then what?

He's now unworthy right? Having fallen?

I'm not sure if you were asking for advice but I'm going to give it anyway.

Make a big glorious life of your own all by yourself and love em leave em at your delicious leisure. This all getting freaked out about love is something we adults get over.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Make a big glorious life of your own all by yourself and love em leave em at your delicious leisure. This all getting freaked out about love is something we adults get over.

Problem solved. Thank you.

 

[YourCaptor]

Make a big glorious life of your own all by yourself and love em leave em at your delicious leisure. This all getting freaked out about love is something we adults get over.

So you want to be so lovable that even he who can not love will love you. And then what?

He's now unworthy right? Having fallen?

That is a good point though.

What are you going to do if you do find your bad boy, he falls in love with you, and is then tame? Once he gets over whatever insecurity keeps him from loving, what then?

 

[ataxia.girl]

That is a good point though.

What are you going to do if you do find your bad boy, he falls in love with you, and is then tame? Once he gets over whatever insecurity keeps him from loving, what then?

Well the idea is he stays strong enough to keep pushing and exploring the dark depths with me but who knows. When i experience it i will report back to you what happened.

i mean i understand what this is about for me. It is about my own personal very deep rooted, baseless, self esteem issues, it isn't really even about love. Love is the vehicle i am choosing to use to ease the pain this time. In the past i have been consumed with my career, buying a house, moving to a new city, becoming well read, climbing into a bottle of vodka or some other obsession. Hell sometimes i juggle 3 or 4 at once. Some of them are healthy and some aren't.

There is one difference though. Most of the other things i do are distractions to try and not deal with the root problem. This is more about facing and dealing with the problem but continuing to hope that something external can solve it. Even though i know intellectually that it can't i am still driven to try.

i did have a Master\Daddy for awhile who i think if circumstances were different could have helped me find a measure of peace but circumstances weren't different, for either of us, and so it ended. i do still take some comfort in thinking that bastard loved me but it doesn't end the quest.

That i am sexually very submissive there is no question but this issue is more about my longing for a Daddy\Master. The ongoing use\abuse i crave is more like the other distractions. They are a temporary salve like work, alcohol, books or whatever else i can come up with.

Some of us are just tortured souls.

 

[YourCaptor]

Well the idea is he stays strong enough to keep pushing and exploring the dark depths with me but who knows. When i experience it i will report back to you what happened.

i mean i understand what this is about for me. It is about my own personal very deep rooted, baseless, self esteem issues, it isn't really even about love. Love is the vehicle i am choosing to use to ease the pain this time. In the past i have been consumed with my career, buying a house, moving to a new city, becoming well read, climbing into a bottle of vodka or some other obsession. Hell sometimes i juggle 3 or 4 at once. Some of them are healthy and some aren't.

There is one difference though. Most of the other things i do are distractions to try and not deal with the root problem. This is more about facing and dealing with the problem but continuing to hope that something external can solve it. Even though i know intellectually that it can't i am still driven to try.

i did have a Master\Daddy for awhile who i think if circumstances were different could have helped me find a measure of peace but circumstances weren't different, for either of us, and so it ended. i do still take some comfort in thinking that bastard loved me but it doesn't end the quest.

That i am sexually very submissive there is no question but this issue is more about my longing for a Daddy\Master. The ongoing use\abuse i crave is more like the other distractions. They are a temporary salve like work, alcohol, books or whatever else i can come up with.

Some of us are just tortured souls.

The quest for numbness.

I suppose I am lucky in that every morning when I look in the mirror I see a big reminder of mortality. So I do the opposite, I search for as many experiences as I can possibly get. Yet ironically I too think I need a lover in order for it all to click and work.

Have you considered getting a professional analysis? Could be worth it.

You may also want to consider getting one of those nice guys to fall in love with you, then you got a safety net for when you needed.

 

[EmpressFi]

Too look at pictures of my husband (Malinborn) you wouldnt think "nice guy". But he's a little of both. He has his dark, explorative, moments but he's also one of the sweetest, most caring, most senstive men in the world. My Master doesnt look like a "bad boy" but is definitely dark and twisted in his sadism, but is also very sweet and caring at time. Being "nice" doesnt have to mean that they dont have a very wide dark streak

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I am the nice guy, I tend to be protective and goofy at times. I also found I let my heart race in front of the rest of me. I envelope those I'm with, with all I am inside. I do have a wicked streak but that comes out in play. In the relationship she knows we are together. I don't see as weak or a bad trait as respect is the basis for all relationships. I want them to feel they have me in their corner. To know no matter what I see what we have as something special. Not just having her as my latest toy to play with sexually. OK rambled enough and doubt got all my ideas out there. But standing up and saying we nice guys are worth a look .

 

[davidjamie69]

...

That i am sexually very submissive there is no question but this issue is more about my longing for a Daddy\Master. The ongoing use\abuse i crave is more like the other distractions. They are a temporary salve like work, alcohol, books or whatever else i can come up with.

...

I love a woman who thinks and feels deeply about things. Are you this passionate physically too?

 

[FurryFury]

I love nice guys. There has to be a foundation of fairness and respect before I'm interested in them doing nasty things to me.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I am the nice guy, I tend to be protective and goofy at times. I also found I let my heart race in front of the rest of me. I envelope those I'm with, with all I am inside. I do have a wicked streak but that comes out in play. In the relationship she knows we are together. I don't see as weak or a bad trait as respect is the basis for all relationships. I want them to feel they have me in their corner. To know no matter what I see what we have as something special. Not just having her as my latest toy to play with sexually. OK rambled enough and doubt got all my ideas out there. But standing up and saying we nice guys are worth a look .

i do not see it as weak or bad either. i am in a 10 yr LTR with a very nice guy for a reason but it doesn't stop me craving the bad boys. i know what's really good for me, it doesn't mean i don't still want what isn't.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I love a woman who thinks and feels deeply about things. Are you this passionate physically too?

That's hard to answer. i'm not really sure. i feel passionately but i'm not sure it is physically evident all the time. i am very turned off by the idea that i should react physically like a porn star because its fake. Sexually i am very submissive and pliable and almost peaceful most of the time. If the other person is trying to make love to me in a very gentle, drawn out way without breaking me down a little first i can get quite aggressive because it gives me the same kind of feeling to be touched like that as listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. Some men like this and some don't.