Why does my bf jerk off so much?

[fenika]

In the last few weeks, I’ve caught my boyfriend masturbating multiple times while I’m in another room in the house, sometimes watching porn. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come have sex with me, or ask for a blowjob, or anything. I’m right there.

And it’s not like we don’t have sex often, because we do.

 

[ElectricBlue]

He's a male, I'm guessing still young, with a high libido. Don't worry about it. Let him come whenever he likes. Or make him go mow the lawn, wash the car. Domesticity will slow him down .

 

[MistressOfAlaok]

Don't worry too much about it. We all need some down time sometimes, especially if you're living together, and how we fill that, well... We all fill our downtime differently.
In my relationship it's often more the other way around, where I occasionally feel like getting myself off, without him. Normally because a bit of "me time" leads to a nice shower, bit of a feel and... There we go. Has nothing to do with him being there or not.

Try to keep an open communication, let him know you are there and willing (more so, enthusiastic!). It could also be that if he's watching porn he might have some fantasies he's not comfortable talking about. Again, keep open communication and even more so an open mind and it'll work itself out!

 

[fenika]

Don't worry too much about it. We all need some down time sometimes, especially if you're living together, and how we fill that, well... We all fill our downtime differently.
In my relationship it's often more the other way around, where I occasionally feel like getting myself off, without him. Normally because a bit of "me time" leads to a nice shower, bit of a feel and... There we go. Has nothing to do with him being there or not.

Try to keep an open communication, let him know you are there and willing (more so, enthusiastic!). It could also be that if he's watching porn he might have some fantasies he's not comfortable talking about. Again, keep open communication and even more so an open mind and it'll work itself out!

He has expressed in the past that he feels like masturbating is alone time for him, and watching porn is something he wants to do solo. So I’m sort of hesitant to ask about what he watches, or his fantasies, but I really want to know what they are. Open communication about sex is hard for me due to past trauma and I’m not sure how to overcome it. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[MistressOfAlaok]

He has expressed in the past that he feels like masturbating is alone time for him, and watching porn is something he wants to do solo. So I’m sort of hesitant to ask about what he watches, or his fantasies, but I really want to know what they are. Open communication about sex is hard for me due to past trauma and I’m not sure how to overcome it. Any advice is appreciated.

I understand your hesitance. If he wants to watch solo, then while he is watching is probably not a good time to show your interest. Try different times such as when you guys are getting a bit frisky. Just casually drop a "seen anything fun lately?" Or maybe start showing him something you found arousing to watch. This can either be when you're together, or you can send him a link to his phone or something like that. If it is an insecurity thing for him, it might make him more comfortable if you share with him.

Remember that "communication" has so many different forms, especially nowadays with phones and internet. It doesn't necessarily mean sitting at the dinner table and talking sex. You can send links of photos or videos you liked, you can send suggestive texts or emails, you can show him an article about something that interests you, you can surprise him and try something new. Once you have established that road, it'll gradually turn into a shared path (if not, there might be more wrong with the relationship, but that's just negative thinking, let's not go there) and you will be able to communicate more freely hopefully.

Honesty is very important in every relationship. It might be helpful to let him know that you are curious about exploring sex in its diversity (don't focus too much on his fantasies, include your own!), but that you have a hard time talking about it. It might draw him out as you explore the joys of communication about sex together.

Best of luck!

 

[Jada59]

Not sure why you're asking this in the "How To". How does your question relate to that?

There are many types of sex. Masturbation is but one kind. It's perfectly normal. I like to do it. I do it whether I have a partner or not. In fact when I have a partner, I tend to do it more often because he keeps me turned on. Sometimes I just want to cum. I don't necessarily want to go through all the motions with a partner. It's all good! I do it because it feels good.

 

[twister947]

Masturbation is wonderfully uncomplicated: my brain, my hand, and my cock. Sometimes, you feel like a nut....

 

[jckontharocks]

In the last few weeks, I’ve caught my boyfriend masturbating multiple times while I’m in another room in the house, sometimes watching porn. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come have sex with me, or ask for a blowjob, or anything. I’m right there.

And it’s not like we don’t have sex often, because we do.

Is he good in bed? Like really good? Where does he rate against past fucks?

 

[bill4672a]

BF masturbating

From your responses, it seems that you are feeling excluded and that a previous trauma is adding to this leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt as if, maybe, his action is a reflection of something lacking in you.

First, people like to masturbate because masturbation only involves themselves without feelings of having to also satisfy someone else.

Second, how would you feel about asking him if you could masturbate with him? This would give you a sense of connection with him, and he might find it arousing.

Third, his desire to watch porn solo might be related to feelings he has that something he is watching would be uncomfortable for you so that he is feeling some guilt about that.

Next, spend some time exploring your own body, pleasuring yourself. This may help you understand why he does this.

Finally, as others have suggested, he will grow out of this. So long as the two of you are having a good relationship sexually as well as in other ways, don't let it worry you. You might even suggest he put up a "do not disturb sign" so that you know he is "busy," in effect, giving him permission and defusing the situation. Interestingly, part of his interest in doing this might be the thrill of getting caught (posting a sign would eliminate that) or knowing that you know and are okay with it might lead him to share more with you.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

He has expressed in the past that he feels like masturbating is alone time for him, and watching porn is something he wants to do solo. So I’m sort of hesitant to ask about what he watches, or his fantasies, but I really want to know what they are. Open communication about sex is hard for me due to past trauma and I’m not sure how to overcome it. Any advice is appreciated.

Take it at face value. In good news, your relationship is strong enough that he lets you know when he's masturbating. Or, he's okay with admitting to it. Kudos for that!

Masturbation isn't about you and him, it's just about him. No performance pressure. You just get to get off without having to worry about consequences. Rather than worry about his masturbation frequency, worry about whether your sexual needs are being met. If he's not meeting your needs, have that discussion without bringing up the frequency of his masturbation.

edit: grammar

 

[Athalia]

Take it at face value. In good news, your relationship is strong enough that he lets you know when he's masturbating. Or, he's okay with admitting to it. Kudos for that!

Masturbation isn't about you and him, it's just about him. No performance pressure. You just get to get off without having to worry about consequences. Rather than worry about his masturbation frequency, worry about whether you're sexual needs are being met. If he's not meeting your needs, have that discussion without bringing up the frequency of his masturbation.

Wise words. And it goes the other way, too. If you switched the genders in the above paragraph, and it would be equally valid, IMO. That last sentence is important. Coitus and masturbation are not mutually exclusive intrinsically.

 

[lynn-23]

Just tell him that sometimes you feel left out and ask him if maybe he will let you watch him jerk off every once in a while. You don't want to invade all his private time, but ask if you can just once in a while. You have to be prepared though for whatever porn he is looking at. Maybe he feels guilty about certain things he looks at and doesn't want you to know.

 

[Setanta84]

If you really want him to stop and he uses lube, here's a "how to."

Buy this and mix it in with the lube. Then prepare for fireworks.

 

[Airka4real]

In the last few weeks, I’ve caught my boyfriend masturbating multiple times while I’m in another room in the house, sometimes watching porn. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come have sex with me, or ask for a blowjob, or anything. I’m right there.

And it’s not like we don’t have sex often, because we do.

If it was me, I would let him discover me jilling off, watching porn, recreating what he does, as close to it as possible.

See what conversation proceeds it.

 

[acerbedingfield]

Masturbation is wonderfully uncomplicated: my brain, my hand, and my cock. Sometimes, you feel like a nut....

........and if you do it right........ sometimes you GET to NUT........


Almost think this is a wanker post,,,,, if someone doesn't have the ability to figure out why their partner NEEDS to be watching porn in order to rub one out..... they don't have the ability to understand the situation.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

........and if you do it right........ sometimes you GET to NUT........


Almost think this is a wanker post,,,,, if someone doesn't have the ability to figure out why their partner NEEDS to be watching porn in order to rub one out..... they don't have the ability to understand the situation.

It's not an uncommon question for women. 'I'm available. I'm willing. Why's he in there with the door closed?"

Men can never fully understand women, nor women men. The closest we can come is an accommodation to the others' perceived odd behaviour.

I think the OP deserves credit for trying to bridge the gap as opposed to simply flying off in a hissy fit.

 

[Snowbunnie12]

In the last few weeks, I’ve caught my boyfriend masturbating multiple times while I’m in another room in the house, sometimes watching porn. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come have sex with me, or ask for a blowjob, or anything. I’m right there.

And it’s not like we don’t have sex often, because we do.

Been married for a long time now but if I caught the hubs doing it I’d probably lend him a hand... and than tell him next time I wanna watch

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[PanteyFetish]

Bottom line he just wants to rub one out. He could be pregaming for sex later. Last but not least some guys me included just like to jerk off that simple.

 

[ncm50]

Been married for a long time now but if I caught the hubs doing it I’d probably lend him a hand... and than tell him next time I wanna watch

heck I love letting my wife watch if she wants to

 

[IsItBad]

2 cents

In the last few weeks, I’ve caught my boyfriend masturbating multiple times while I’m in another room in the house, sometimes watching porn. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t just come have sex with me, or ask for a blowjob, or anything. I’m right there.

And it’s not like we don’t have sex often, because we do.

darling....in all likelihood he is addicted to porn. yes i am sure i will get lambasted on here for saying this....BUT......many many men.....young and old are terribly addicted to porn. the release of endorphins and other brain produced intoxicants is the same from porn as from many other means of getting high.

in most cases, the female in the relationship is awfully offended or takes it personally as if the porn and masturbating is in competition for her own sexuality …..she begins to think he is just not that into me.....or something like that.....

in reality, though, 99% of the time it has absolutely nothing at all to do with the female.....porn allows one to pursue or at least look at any or all of ones deepest secretly held proclivities......and thereby (more or less) privately and shamelessly get off to whatever crosses one's mind...…

my suggestion is rather than be offended or hurt.....try to engage in a fairly deep level conversation.....honey i want to be involved in whatever turns you on.....you are safe with me.....i don't want to be on the outside looking in.....i want to be inside with you.....that kind of thing.....if he believes you are sincere.....perhaps he will let you in.....if so....you just have to be careful not to be too shocked or yet again offended if it turns out he likes something that is not hot to you...…

i believe porn addiction is an epidemic world wide.....like with many many things.....some people can enjoy it in moderation and not have it run their lives.....but others can not.....

of course my opinion is only that.....an opinion...….

i hope that you guys can work through it and come to the other side closer together though

 

[amofiga]

Just guessing here, but maybe the BF or any guy for that matter, may enjoy a bit of solo wanking with porn because it's a way to project into a scene that he will never experience with his wife. Just because a wife is "willing" to have sex with him, suck him off, jerk him off, it's still his "wife" and it's a one on one and in his house. Watching porn may let him get into the fantasy of an orgy out by somebody's pool where he's fucking or getting a blowjob from somebody else. I think women like to stay in the "reality" more than men do. Just speculating.

 

[ICM8781]

Don't take it too personally. Some people just like masturbation better. Same with women. Some of them just like masturbation better. I know a lot of people like to go to the "addicted to porn" thing, or the "you aren't taking care of him well enough" thing. However, if you think he loves you, I would start there. I wouldn't go rushing to negative conclusions.

 

[amofiga]

Yeah, I'm stopping back in to comment on the "addicted to porn" thing. Just because someone (and it's men AND women) enjoys watching porn, or most likely a particular type of porn, it doesn't mean that he or she is "addicted" to it. I perhaps means that they might like a particular activity that they will most likely never experience in real life for a variety of reasons, but enjoy watching it. I happen to have always enjoyed gang bang porn and though there will be many women out there saying "Oh men are pigs", I also knew two women who also loved gang bang porn. However, neither or them wanted to experience it in real life even though I offered to arrange it for them It was a fantasy and would stay a fantasy. I hate this "addiction" thing. A person can truly enjoy going to gourmet restaurants and trying many things that don't fit the "everyday supper" menu, but it doesn't mean that they are addicted to food.

 

[HopelessCD2]

When I was with my ex and younger, I often just wanted an orgasm. I didnt want sex, or "loving", I just wanted to cum but it felt too selfish a thing to do to ask her to just get me off, but not want to do anything to please her. If you are happy to just help him out with a h/j or b/j, just tell him. It would have made us closer because I would be like a Pavlov dog, being conditioned to associate my orgasm always with her.