Why do you cede or accept control outside the bedroom?

[JMohegan]

Do you cede or accept overt control in one or more aspects of your non-bedroom personal life? If so, why?

Note that "the bedroom" is used here as a shorthand reference to all physical interaction, including sex and SM play, no matter the location.

Thus, "overt control in one or more aspects of your non-bedroom personal life" refers to obedience in such areas as household chores, planning leisure time, etc.

Please select the one poll option that best describes you as an individual. I realize that no phrase will constitute a perfect match, and more than one may apply to a certain degree. Therefore, I welcome all clarifications, explanations, etc. to accompany your votes.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Yes, more than one applies which, for me, makes it hard to answer.

And also, this poll is public so everyone can see who picked what. I bet, however that you meant for it to be. ;-)

This will be an interesting thread to follow.

 

[JMohegan]

And also, this poll is public so everyone can see who picked what. I bet, however that you meant for it to be. ;-)

Yes, I did.

I am not asking for scientific research purposes. I am interested in learning more about the various perspectives represented on this board.

 

[m wisdom]

I replied that "I have a need to guide/nurture/lead..." I want my pyl to reach her full potential in all areas and I can feel a need to help her to do that. Not sure this have anything to do with bdsm tho, since I suspect most people want to help/encourage their partners to improve themselves.

 

[m wisdom]

Yes, I did.

I am not asking for scientific research purposes. I am interested in learning more about the various perspectives represented on this board.

It's an interesting poll, and I'm waiting for your own vote as well

 

[A Desert Rose]

The top four work for me. The bottom 2 are total toss outs.

Guess I need to think about this while I'm gone...

 

[A Desert Rose]

I replied that "I have a need to guide/nurture/lead..." I want my pyl to reach her full potential in all areas and I can feel a need to help her to do that. Not sure this have anything to do with bdsm tho, since I suspect most people want to help/encourage their partners to improve themselves.

You and your girl need to come vacation in Las Vegas, doll. I'd love to meet you both!!!

Sorry for the hiJACK. ;-) Sorta...

 

[JMohegan]

It's an interesting poll, and I'm waiting for your own vote as well

Thanks for voting (to you and everyone else who has done so).

I would describe myself as enjoying the opportunity to guide/lead/etc. very much. Further, I would say that control outside the bedroom definitely enhances the dynamic that occurs in physical interaction.

However, the fact of the matter is that, in this context, control itself is a need for me. Not just something I appreciate or benefit from, but something I need in order to be comfortable, relaxed, and happy in my personal life.

Hence my answer - number one.

 

[BiBunny]

I didn't vote because I couldn't decide on just one. Can I just pick the top four?

 

[callinectes]

I chose option 2 but I really fall into both 1 and 2. I agree with M. Wisdom in that option 2 applies to many relationships, not BDSM specifically. However, within the D/s dynamic it is very powerful.

 

[BeachGurl2]

For me, both 1 and 2 are true, although I probably lean more toward the guide/nurture/lead than the control, which is why I voted 2. I believe that 3 is true because of 1 and 2, so is secondary. This is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about - what is it about me that leads me to submit both in and out of the bedroom. And not just the fact that I choose to submit but that I need to submit. Vanilla relationships don't work for me over the long haul because of this need to be guided/nurtured/led, to not be the one in charge. (And I'm using all three words purposely because they all three apply to me fully, which I believe is important as well.)

So there you have it.

Edited to add: I didn't address serving, choice 4. I do have a need to serve, to be needed, but not necessarily through instruction. I serve whether instructed to or not. It is instinctive and necessary for me to be able to serve, to be able to feel needed.

 

[JMohegan]

The top four work for me. The bottom 2 are total toss outs.

I didn't vote because I couldn't decide on just one. Can I just pick the top four?

Yes, of course this is okay.

Thank you both for offering your perspective.

 

[JMohegan]

For me, both 1 and 2 are true, although I probably lean more toward the guide/nurture/lead than the control, which is why I voted 2. I believe that 3 is true because of 1 and 2, so is secondary. This is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about - what is it about me that leads me to submit both in and out of the bedroom. And not just the fact that I choose to submit but that I need to submit. Vanilla relationships don't work for me over the long haul because of this need to be guided/nurtured/led, to not be the one in charge. (And I'm using all three words purposely because they all three apply to me fully, which I believe is important as well.)

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, too. Especially many years ago, when I was attracted at one point or another to women who were great fits for me in many wonderful ways..... except in their needs/preferences relating to control outside the bedroom.

I learned the hard way that, for me, bedroom control is not enough. Even though my control is very much big picture, and even though I am always willing to listen and discuss important issues, at the end of the day I find negotiating in certain areas to be intensely frustrating and, ultimately, unnecessary. Unnecessary because I have been able to find women who were willing to cede control to me, and happy to do so.

I didn't address serving, choice 4. I do have a need to serve, to be needed, but not necessarily through instruction. I serve whether instructed to or not. It is instinctive and necessary for me to be able to serve, to be able to feel needed.

Choice 4 does not apply to me either, and for similar reasons (but from the other side of the coin).

 

[JMohegan]

I chose option 2 but I really fall into both 1 and 2. I agree with M. Wisdom in that option 2 applies to many relationships, not BDSM specifically. However, within the D/s dynamic it is very powerful.

Thanks for your response, Callinectes.

And thanks to the others who have voted as well.

 

[sexychik69]

I chose this one: "I have a need to serve (or be served) according to specific instructions given." because I find pleasure in being assigned a task and rewarded for doing a good job.

 

[jadefirefly]

I chose that I have a need to be guided/nurtured/led outside the bedroom. As anyone who has spent any length of time with me knows, I have a difficult time being in charge of anything, or making decisions.

Given time, I can make major decisions involving my own life, of course, but frankly my track record in that thus far hasn't been so hot. My job, and my recent decision to go back to school are about the only good ones I've made in a long time.

This is why I tend to feel so terribly lost when I'm single.

I think in a much less intense way I have a need to serve, as well, but not so much that I would choose it as an option, even if I could select more than one. But I do enjoy feeling as if I'm of use to someone -- amusingly enough, even in my job where I occasionally take on a role of being in charge, I'm still (most of the time) doing it in a situation where I'm being of use to someone, rather than just controlling the environment.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

For me ................

Its not about the bedroom. Its about the entire exchange, Its about the focus and the clarity. Its about the security and the anxiety. Its about the sense of completion and living fluidly right in the moment over and over again. Its about the focus on my Dominant and how his happiness spills back on me. Its about the heightened awareness of the World around me and the barrier that exists between that and myself , which if I need it to be is always him. Its embracing all that he is , was and will be . Its leaning back into the knowledge that I am his with a soft pride whether he is with me or not. Its the knowledge in myself that nothing challenges that. Its about being caught off guard and trusting the Journey because he says its so .Then embracing the adventure be it small or grandiose. Its 'stuff' like that. The rest, the kink , the bedroom its icing.

Where that leaves me in the Poll I am uncertain . I have enjoyed considering it as much as I have struggled and still found no conclusion.

 

[callinectes]

Thanks for your response, Callinectes.

And thanks to the others who have voted as well.

My pleasure JM, your posts always make me think. (as has this poll)

 

[callinectes]

Its not about the bedroom. Its about the entire exchange, Its about the focus and the clarity. Its about the security and the anxiety. Its about the sense of completion and living fluidly right in the moment over and over again. Its about the focus on my Dominant and how his happiness spills back on me. Its about the heightened awareness of the World around me and the barrier that exists between that and myself , which if I need it to be is always him. Its embracing all that he is , was and will be . Its leaning back into the knowledge that I am his with a soft pride whether he is with me or not. Its the knowledge in myself that nothing challenges that. Its about being caught off guard and trusting the Journey because he says its so .Then embracing the adventure be it small or grandiose. Its 'stuff' like that. The rest, the kink , the bedroom its icing.

Beautifully said Rebecca. Thank you for sharing that.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Option one works best for me.

 

[JMohegan]

I chose this one: "I have a need to serve (or be served) according to specific instructions given." because I find pleasure in being assigned a task and rewarded for doing a good job.

I have known many people (on both sides of the coin) who would select this poll option without hesitation. In my corner of the world, it is one of the most frequently mentioned reasons for non-bedroom transfer of control in relationships with, or without, romance accompanying the D/s.

One of my earliest D/s relationships was with a woman who had this need. Let's call her "L". Though we are friends to this day, the intimate relationship ended because her non-bedroom needs were not being met - a fact for which I take full responsibility.

I am not a person who is interested in assigning tasks with detailed instructions on a regular basis. Occasionally, yes. Frequently, no.

Nor am I interested in establishing specific rules or rituals relating to everyday things such as serving meals, the appropriate position to assume when I come home from work, etc. These require an amount of effort - to establish and monitor compliance - that I am not interested in expending. Generally speaking, I also lean much more toward the joy of spontaneity vs. the comfort & pleasure of routine.

I have enormous respect for many people who embrace this flavor of D/s, but I just don't happen to be one of them.

I do not blame myself for refusing to provide the type of control that L needed. I consider it my right, as the Dominant, to decide where, when, and how I exert control.

My failure came in not taking the time to identify her non-bedroom needs in sufficient detail up front, before committing to the relationship itself.

 

[Bandit58]

I chose the second option, but it's not quite right because I'm not "controlled" as such. I serve because I love to make His life easier. I don't think I've ever been told to do these things I just took them over as part of my service to Him.

 

[JMohegan]

My pleasure JM, your posts always make me think. (as has this poll)

What a wonderful compliment to be given. Thank you very much, Callinectes.


I am out of time at the moment, but will respond to other posts later in the day. Thanks to all who have contributed.

 

[JMohegan]

I chose the second option, but it's not quite right because I'm not "controlled" as such. I serve because I love to make His life easier. I don't think I've ever been told to do these things I just took them over as part of my service to Him.

It sounds like he's a very lucky guy.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

 

[JMohegan]

I chose that I have a need to be guided/nurtured/led outside the bedroom. As anyone who has spent any length of time with me knows, I have a difficult time being in charge of anything, or making decisions.

Given time, I can make major decisions involving my own life, of course, but frankly my track record in that thus far hasn't been so hot. My job, and my recent decision to go back to school are about the only good ones I've made in a long time.

This is why I tend to feel so terribly lost when I'm single.

I think in a much less intense way I have a need to serve, as well, but not so much that I would choose it as an option, even if I could select more than one. But I do enjoy feeling as if I'm of use to someone -- amusingly enough, even in my job where I occasionally take on a role of being in charge, I'm still (most of the time) doing it in a situation where I'm being of use to someone, rather than just controlling the environment.

I like to feel "as if I'm of use to someone", too. I achieve this in a different way, perhaps, but I would also say that this is a very important part of my personal life.

As for Option 2, I agree with Callinectes that guiding/nurturing/leading can be a very powerful exchange within the D/s dynamic.

However, I also think that this can be one of the most challenging forms of D/s for both the Dom and the sub. Depending on how much is put on the line by the submissive, the responsibility assumed by the Dominant can be heavy indeed. And I have seen submissives balk many times, when a partner did not handle a personal issue in an expected way. Ceding control means obedience. And depending on how significant the issues are, the trust involved in this exchange can be extraordinary.