Why do you abstain??

[boston_bbw]

I just read thru the "sex and true love" post and now have a question of my own. I am reading several people out there are having "sex" (depending on your definaition) with their SO and doing almost anything under the sun but abstaining from "PIV" or actual intercourse. Am wondering why? I myself am doing the same and have yet to figure out exactly why..in my case it just dosn't feel right yet. (Ok maybe psychologically him being married has something to do with it...lol)

 

[bobsgirl]

Forgive me, boston bbw, I'm not trying to bust your chops or anything, but I just don't understand this. You've had his erection in your mouth, and his mouth has been on your clit? I find both of these activities a lot more intimate than intercourse, yet you don't"feel right" about that?

I wish, once and for all, someone would explain this to me.

 

[SweetErika]

Forgive me, boston bbw, I'm not trying to bust your chops or anything, but I just don't understand this. You've had his erection in your mouth, and his mouth has been on your clit? I find both of these activities a lot more intimate than intercourse, yet you don't"feel right" about that?

I wish, once and for all, someone would explain this to me.

I think the psychological facets of the chance of getting pregnant coupled with the societal idea that virginity=no vaginal sex are often what makes people wait to have PIV sex while they do everything else. My views have changed with time, but I used to view oral as less intimate and risky than intercourse...oral was more about physical pleasure, and intercourse was more about the emotional connection.

On a related note, it appears some people/teens are "preserving their virginity" by engaging in anal sex. *shakes head* I guess the virgin-vagina connection is alive and well.

 

[Noor]

I think it is a form of birth control. If one can't afford to be pregnant or have an abortion, abstinence is the only 100 % certain way to prevent that.

I wouldn't do anal either or anything where sperm might be anywhere near by besides anal is the second best way to get aids.

 

[bobsgirl]

I think the psychological facets of the chance of getting pregnant coupled with the societal idea that virginity=no vaginal sex are often what makes people wait to have PIV sex while they do everything else. My views have changed with time, but I used to view oral as less intimate and risky than intercourse...oral was more about physical pleasure, and intercourse was more about the emotional connection.

On a related note, it appears some people/teens are "preserving their virginity" by engaging in anal sex. *shakes head* I guess the virgin-vagina connection is alive and well.

I had a friend in high school who did it every way BUT PIV, and was very smug about being a virgin on her wedding night. I just shake my head at this.

But you do have a point about the risk of pregnancy. I still maintain that everything but PIV does not mean you are practicing sexual abstinence.

 

[College_geek]

I always believed losing one's virginity had to do with penetration (of a penis, not fingers or a toy), but really, after watching Chasing Amy, I guess I really don't know what it means any more. I, much like boston, have done oral, which is the furthest I've gone and want to go until I'm married. I still believe in wanting to "save that part of myself" for whomever I spend the rest of my life with, but I think a lot of it also has to do with me being stubborn and not wanting to go back on that part of my deal with myself years ago when I was single and abstaining till marriage looked like it would be a breeze, since no guy ever even gave me a look.

The anal sex to save virginity thing is stupid, though. I believe that anal is losing one's viriginity, too (going back to the penetration). Then again...I'm just as screwed up as all the other lost people my age.

 

[Ljbonobo]

I feel that the term "sexual abstinence" does not have one black and white definition. It is a continuum from complete lack of any sexual contact to an anything but actual vaginal intercourse. I think that is the first problem in this thread and also in the "sex and true love" thread. Everyone has their own idea of what abstinence should be, quite simply its whatever you and your partner (if you're practicing it) care for it to be.

Reasons for being abstaining for sex.... there are many, I've even subscribed to some of them at different times in my life. I agree with some members of this board though who are voicing a disbelief in the idea of doing everything but vaginal sex to save vaginal sex for marriage. I agree that oral sex is much more intimate and a sharing of yourself than sex is. Even within a loving relationship the act of sexual intercourse isnt' always "making love". It is sometimes just purely horny, animal, sweaty sex. So I have a small disagreement with anyone who is saving their vaginal sex for an event or person but feels that oral is ok.

 

[BlueSugar]

On a related note, it appears some people/teens are "preserving their virginity" by engaging in anal sex. *shakes head* I guess the virgin-vagina connection is alive and well.

They call themselves techincal virgins.


I used to think I would save myself.
Needless to say I lost my virginity early. It was my decision in the relationship actually. We were together for three years, and we were having so much fun with experimentation and mastering getting each other off... it just seemed like the next logical step.

I argued with myself for about a month about it, and then decided that I'd rather know then wait forever. Espically because at a young age I told myself that I wasn't getting married.

So what was I saving it for?

I'm happy with the decisions I have made in life.
aaaand thats my story.

I support those who want to wait for that special someone, that night will be painful, fumbeling and magical because no one is more experienced then the other really, and no one has "been there" before them. Its a sweet idea.

but not one I agree with for myself

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

Forgive me, boston bbw, I'm not trying to bust your chops or anything, but I just don't understand this. You've had his erection in your mouth, and his mouth has been on your clit? I find both of these activities a lot more intimate than intercourse, yet you don't"feel right" about that?

I wish, once and for all, someone would explain this to me.

i fully agree with that

I think that oral is much more intamate, because your willing to put somthing in your mouth that wouldnt normally go their...but then again what is normal

 

[EternalStudent]

Abstinance

Hi All

I would venture that abstinance is refraining from all forms of sexual contact, it can't be defined any other way. Kissing and caressing make this commitment harder, but I think you're still abstaining if you're doing that.

Simply not practicing penetration is not abstiance. That's at least the way I look at it, although I'll be the first one to admit that my own attempts at abstaining with my fiance are not working out all the time. Its a commitment we can't help breaking from time to time, but more often than not we're suceeding

As for why? Well for me its a purity thing. I believe that sex before marriage cases alot of problems and issues with people, I know pretty much all my friends have been deeply emotionally scarred in relationships and I did not want to go that way. I know its not the sex to blame but you cannot deny it introduces an element of intimacy that cannot be rivaled (Until it looses its meaning for you).

Happily I've found that person I want to share my life with, and I know I'm not just here for the sex and the passion because we can wait for one another.

For everyone its different. For me I know I want to wait, (and I want to be more successful at doing it!) but its not a view I would force on anyone else.

 

[College_geek]

...now I feel so dirty and fake...

 

[vargas111]

Unfortunately for me, my wife is STILL abstaining from oral sex (both)! And I suspect it may just be BECASUE is is more intimate. She does not care much for PIV, either.

 

[SweetErika]

Unfortunately for me, my wife is STILL abstaining from oral sex (both)! And I suspect it may just be BECASUE is is more intimate. She does not care much for PIV, either.

She won't participate in oral, and she doesn't like PIV? What does she like?

Just out of curiosity, did you know this before you got married?

 

[H0wl]

Virginity does not equal no PIV.

As someone who was a virgin (in pretty much anyone's estimation) until earlier this year, my feeling on the subject is that pretty much any time you're putting your flesh in direct contact with someone elses genitalia, that counts as sex.

Oral, anal, vaginal, handjobs, footjobs, watching someone else jerk off while you masturbate....all pretty much sex.

At 27, I'd been reading, writing and talking about sex for a good long time and while I was a virgin by any reasonable definition of the word, I didn't particularly feel like one

I think at least part of virginity is your state of mind.

As for abstaining until marriage? Pfft. I much prefer living in sin.
(thats not to knock the idea for those who value it).

 

[watergirl]

hm

Once upon a time, I intended to not have sex until I was married. That was back in highschool, where I knew quite a fair number of girls who got pregnant and dropped out. That life looked like hell to me, home, pregnant, caring for kids, no work, no time for mental or creative outlets, no stable family, or enough income to take care of a kid well...

I did have finger in vagina type sex once before going to college, and not even with a guy I was dating - just with a good trusted friend that I felt chemistry towards. But no oral or anything...

Once I was away to college... I met someone, thought things could work out... was wrong. But, having had sex, it was very easy to keep having sex with boyfriends afterwards, and then anal, and whatnot... Never have been much of a fan of receiving oral, though.

There was never a period of "oral but not vaginal," or such, though...

I have however kept to my resolution that I don't smoke, and have never tried any drugs, an don't ever want to. I used to believe I would never drink, either. I changed my mind on that in college, but still only drink in moderation, for the flavor, not the intoxication. I'm silly and open enough without boozin it up, but I enjoy a buzz at a party once in a while... I like dancing more with a buzz, sometimes.

Other people's rationales as to why some sexual things and not others... I've never tried to understand, because I just don't get it. At all. Sometimes they defy logic. Knew one guy... oral, yes, but sleeping in the same bed all night, no, and no PIV or anything further than oral.... "no sex till marriage" type guy. WTF? See, beyond my comprehension.

 

[Guest]

I get confused by this as well. I had a previous g/f tell me that she only had been with 4 guys before me, only having intercourse with one but everything else with the others. I still scratch my head as to why you would get so intimate with someone else (oral play, anal play, etc...) but then not have actual intercourse. For me I treat it all and the same.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: Abstinance

As for why? Well for me its a purity thing. I believe that sex before marriage cases alot of problems and issues with people, I know pretty much all my friends have been deeply emotionally scarred in relationships and I did not want to go that way. I know its not the sex to blame but you cannot deny it introduces an element of intimacy that cannot be rivaled (Until it looses its meaning for you).

First we have this above concept. Then we see a by product of the abstinance idea here;

Unfortunately for me, my wife is STILL abstaining from oral sex (both)! And I suspect it may just be BECASUE is is more intimate. She does not care much for PIV, either.

Now eternalstudent is correct. Having sex before the marriage WILL create problems. Problems which need resolution BEFORE you tie the knot. Because if you wait til after you tie the knot, you end up in Vargas111's boat.

Vargas111 has a major sexual incompatibility problem in his relationship and unless he finds a way to resolve it to both his and his wife's satisfaction it will continue to poison the relationship until it finally destroys it.

If you abstain from sex with your partner before you get married, you omit an important part of your relationship, leaving it unexplored and unresolved until its too late to back out if you find major imcompatibilities.

College_geek. You have nothing to feel dirty or fake about. Your decision to enage in other forms of sex except for PIV sex does mean you're not abstaining, but you're also dealing with the issue before hand. By confronting it as a couple and dealing with it, you're setting the foundations for your future existance with your partner. Foundations that would be missing if you were really abstaining.

There are a million questions people need to ask themselves and their partners as they explore their sexuality as a couple. People who abstain from sex tend to also avoid this as a topic of conversation as well. As a result, that honeymoon bed looms in the distance and they share it with a stranger.

My first wife and I never talked about sex before we got married. We had sex twice before we tied the knot, but never really addressed the issues. How often? Is it ok to have sex during her period? Will she initiate it or will I, or both? Will she go down on me? (NO) Will she let me go down on her? (YES) Does she enjoy our lovemaking? Is she having an orgasm?

That last question is one I ask myself even today, some 11 years after that marriage ended. During the 12 years together I cannot recall her having one noticeable orgasm. If she had told me that we could have worked on it, but she never did. I left that relationship convinced I was incapable of pleasing a woman simply because we had failed to build decent communications. I brought that attitude to my next relationship and was very pleasantly surprised to see I was wrong.

My whole point of this is if we had a more active sex life before the wedding a lot of these issues would have come to light before hand. And I probably would not have married her. There was just too much incompatibitily there which I didn't discover until after the knot was tied.

Sometimes I think it ought to be a law, if you intend to marry someone, you first have a trial marriage, living with them for a year, sharing the bed. The first couple months, no sex, just time enough to learn their daily habits and quirks, then the rest of the time with a normal sexual relationship.

 

[EternalStudent]

Sex or Communication?

Bobmi makes a good point about incommpatability. But did the problems really come about because you were not physically having sex? It looks a little to me (and I'm usually quite mistaken! ) that the sex was an issue in itself that you were ignoring. My fiance and I talk about sex alot, we're both young and almost permenantly horny !! So its not a lack of communication! Perhaps we're in a better position than many couples who are currently having sex, but not really talking about it???

We both know eachother better than we know ourselves! Addmittadly its partly because we've been having what most people would call sex, at least along way from abstinance (on a very irregular basis). But its also because we love to hold eachother at night and dream about what our sexlife will be like when we have the freedom to completely give ourselves to oneanother inside marriage.

I can't wait for that day! Because I want to be her husband, the sex will be icing to a love-filled marriage, its not the whole point of marriage! Never the less its probably the single most important point to get sorted if we're both to be emotionally content. I'll let you all know in 10 years if anything I said here actually ment anything!

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Hell I can't figure out why anyone would want to get married - no less want to abstain before hand! But that's a different thread..... lol

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

I think it is a form of birth control. If one can't afford to be pregnant or have an abortion, abstinence is the only 100 % certain way to prevent that.

I wouldn't do anal either or anything where sperm might be anywhere near by besides anal is the second best way to get aids.

get yer facts straight MORON

 

[Guest]

get yer facts straight MORON

geeze and what do you know?

 

[Crimson]

defining sex

whether its technically or philosophically correct (really you can use language to justify anything, and in the end, it's up to you and your partner), i think one of the main reasons people associate PIV with sex is that society often portrays sex in this manner. think of all the bad teen sitcoms and dramas you've seen in your life. when a character talks about losing their virginity, the audience knows exactly what parts are involved and what they're doing. sex is often portrayed as a time-honored, cookie-cutter event with little or no variation. obviously real life in no way resembles this (thank goddess!).

crimson