Why Do Women Do This? Is It Ego???

[Jack Talk Thai]

I met this girl a few weeks ago, and she seemed to show interest. I had no intention of trying to aproach her--I'm a quiet guy, not too outgoing, a little standoffish (I've been told). I complimented her on how she looked that day, then went on to a conversation with a mutual friend I was there to meet.
Anyway, I leave about 20 minutes later--and the girl meets me in the hall, at the elevator, thanking me fo the compliment. In all honesty I had forgotten about it, really, as it was no big deal to me (I was just being nice). A few weeks later I call her job to speak to the mutual friend, and the girl (we'll cal her Angie) picks up, immediately going into a conversation about her week and how hectic it's been. She then gives me her numbers--cel and home--with no provocation from me. Of course, I too the numbers down. After a couple days I call, and the conversation is excellent--Angie seems friendly and laid back, and eve asked ME if we cold hang out sometime! I really was amazed--the girl is drop-dead gorgeous, and I'm a decent-lookng guy, bu SHE was taking the reigns here. I was flattered.
Yeah, well...
Since then, we have yet to hang out, even though I've called and tried to set up dates. She always has an excuse. She takes several days to return my calls now. Mind you, tis is a girl who would blow my mind on the phone with commets about how she likes to do "anything" in bed and how her best friend invited her to join a threesome (she declined). I was taking it slow, trying not to come off as a horny jerk, but I made it clear I was interested. It seems now that Angie has just dropped me for no reason--and what annoys me about it is the fact that SHE initiated everything!
I'm already a "Leave Me Alone" kind of guy in public, and I have low tolerance for mindgames. Things like this can and do hurt people, and I don't think I'll be as eceptive to the next woman who approaches me (and I do mean "approach"--women who just stare and play wit their hair to get attention don't get ANY feedback from me, s I sid, I'm ot into games). Why do some women do what Angie has done? Is it an ego-boosting thing? They see a guy that seems disinterested and hard to get, so they pursue him just to see if they can get him?
I'd like feedback from both sides--guys who understand where I'm coming from and women who have played these types of games, or can relate.

Thank you for any replies.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

And please forgive my typing...for some reason the letters have a slight delay as I type on this board. I think you can make out most of what I was saying, but I should clarify--"I'll be less RECEPTIVE to the next woman who approaches me."

Thanks again.

 

[Young Knave]

A little advice.

You have my sympathy, as one who has also had to deal with the fairer sex. They are an agravating lot. Trying to understand their behaviour is only going to bring more aggravation on you, though. I would advise against it. Just press on, my good man. Hopefully one of them will eventually decide to bestow her affections on you.

I remember I was rather drunk one evening at a dance club and did something very out of character. I got out on the dance floor and tried dancing, in my spastic, white sort of way. I was standing on this little ledge off to the side jumping around, minding my own business when a group of girls started dancing near me. One of them came by me and started dancing in front of me, Very Close. There was mucho physical contact. This was initiated by her, keep in mind. Now I am a red blooded male, and when an attractive girl starts grinding against me with her rear end, I get a little excited. She didn't seem to mind. I decided to up the anty, ever so slightly. I put my hand on her hip, in my mind a relatively innocuous thing to do, considering the aforementioned grinding. Well, she acts like I tried to rape her or something, gives me the look of death, says something nasty to me, goes over to her girlfriends and starts talking about me, giving me more looks. Needless to say, I was baffled. She started the whole thing, was being pretty aggressive with me, and the moment I make even the smallest of moves she gets angry.

Every guy, and probably every lesbian for that matter, probably has at least one story like this to tell, if not more.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

What's funny about that is--this chick approaches YOU, rubs her ass all over YOU, and the second you react like any man would, YOU become The Bad Guy.

Now had you simply ignored her, or say, walked off the dance floor, you's STILL be The Bad Guy.

I honestly believe some women do this for attention. To be reminded they're "cute." No regard for the other person's feelings--no, she just needs her ego stroked.

If I had a dime fo every woman I encounter on the NYC Transit System who needed to feel "cute", I'd be a rich motherfucker. I've seen women on the train literally toy with fells--and the second the poor shmuck moves in for the kill, he ges shot down. Heh. The trai is lousy lace to meet women anyway, so I never try to. And that's exactly what I mean. I've ben in situations where I was expected to flirt, just because there's som female sitting across from me. Nine out of ten times I ignore her, and then te whole vibe changes. I get eyes rolled at me. Some have even moved t ther seats once they realized I was ignoring them. I don't play The Game along with them--a Game designed SOLELY to boost her ego, I think--and I become The Bad Guy.

Oh, well.

Like I said, I'm not into games, and I'll be that much more careful the next time some cute female approaches me.

And in the streets of NYC, there' ALWAYS a next time.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

And this typing delay thing is REALLY pissing me off.

I was saying "The train is a lousy place to meet women".

It's like opening a box of Cracker Jacks.

It's tasty and sweet, but the prize inside is usually NEVER worth it.

 

[madeline]

Well Jack- maybe it's as simple as the lady in question lost interest. Could be. And while I'm typing, maybe there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel cute, to have your attractiveness validated. I do it for guys all the time- I don't expect anything back. But people (in general, not just women) want to feel that they are desirable, and I'm all for raising the self-esteem of whoever you run into. why not? Makes the world a little nicer for someone. So Angie turned out to be a game player (maybe). Or she got shy. Or met someone else and didn't know how to back out gracefully. But why get angry about it? Why condemn the entire sex?

Just my two cents!

madeline

 

[Young Knave]

True, Madeline.

And there are guys out there who do the same sort of thing.

There are some women out there who do seem to get a rise out of shooting guys down, though. Not all, mind you. I think for them it is an ego boost. They build is up, just to knock us down again.

Plenty of nice ladies out there, though. To find them, you're going to have to have a few run ins with some nasties. That's all I was trying to say.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Knave, Madeline...thanks for your input.

I admit, I'm bitter about it. Like I said, this has happened a couple of times...really, one other time (that actually mattered). I was at Central Park minding my own business, trying to write. A young lady sits next to me, and I continue minding my own business. Finally, she asks if I'm waiting for someone. I say "no," and the conversation begins. Nice conversation, at that--again, nice-looking girl, as well. Long story short, she GIVES ME HER NUMBER, I call maybe two days later t ask her out, I leave a message, no response. EVER. Sigh.

Madeline, it's truly commendable that you're nice enough to not mind "validating the cuteness of others." The only reason I can't do that is because of these experiences. If I ca pretty much tell a woman is just looking for attention, I can't give in to that--I'm not attracted to vanity, and I am FAR from a vain person myself. I don't condemn all women, I just pay more attention to the ones who aren't TRYING to be cute. Those are usually the nicer ones, in my experience.

And as a guy who gets his share of attention--even though I shun most of it--I would NEVER tease or lead someone on just to drop them and hurt them. Of course I'm bitter and defensive, only because that's been done to me, and I'm a nice guy (I think ). And it was done by what I THOUGHT were nice women.

 

[THEBRAT]

Jack those weren't nice women they were sharks they give us other women bad reps.

I never wanted anything to do with men they never left me alone. I was a virgin when I hit 18 I was a tickng bomb ready to detonate but I never gave men my phone # unless they asked for it but to come right up to a guy and give him their phone # very tacky.

I hope that you find the right person for you.

All right I've been married for 25 years so I want everyone in the whole world to be married also.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Hi, Brat.

You know, the worse thing about it--the thing I wish I could change--is the type of guy I am. The type of guy I've ALWAYS been. I've always been a keep-to-myself type of guy. I'm a tall (6'4") Black guy who looks, to quote my ex-girlfriend, like "an intelligent bodyguard". I don't think I look mean, but I've been told I intimidate people. Shame if it's true--I'm just a peaceful, polite guy. I try to be.
So whenever a woman just flat out steps to me and makes her desires known, I'm always flattered and impressed. Ilook for confident, UNIQUE women, and to me a woman who will approach a man--NOT do the typical "cross my legs and keep glancing at him"--is DIFFERENT, and that's wha realy attacts me. I'm aways blown away by it. I may be a good guy, but if you saw me on the street you wouldn't think "Friendly". A LOT of New Yorkers are like that. It comes with the city, like roaches and Times Square panhandlers. It sucks to be attracted to a girl who would dare say "hi" to someone like me, only to find out it was an illusion.

What it does is make me pass up the potential GOOD ones. God only knows how many quality women I've passed by, only because I assume she's going to try to play me. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. It makes you get defensive and cold.

You're right, Brat--women like that ruin it for the good ones who just want a good, quality companion. We'll walk right past one another on the street, and THAT could've been the one right THERE.

 

[THEBRAT]

Jack I always give a person 1 chance because I've learned the hard way if you give them an inch they will take a mile.Don't give up my Hubby and I are like Mutt & Jeff he's 6ft & I'm 4ft 11in.Trust your instints if you feel somethngs wrong with that person 90 times out of a 100 your instint is right. I've been married 25 years.California has it's share of wpmen that don't have any scruples or morels at all.

 

[madeline]

But then again, there's nice gals everywhere (she says, writing from Southern Cal). I dunno- I have to admit, I am one of those gals who crosses her legs, glances up and hopes. I have never been able to ask a guy out. Its on my to-do list for the year. Truly, it is a goal. But man, the fear of rejection is pretty huge. I don't know how you all do it. Thats some scary shit. AND, I worry about asking a guy out and then not being interested- making a mistake. I know, I know, you won't know til you try, but then you have to squirm out of it. This dating business sucks! New York doesn't sound any easier (though I'm moving there in a year and a half- so if you're still single Jack....maybe I'll practice on you! : ) )

Have a happy fourth all-

madeline

 

[THEBRAT]

MadelineI asked my Hubby to marry me in Southern Cal 25 years ago (1975) but things have changed so much.My Hubby watches Blind Date almost every night and I can't believe how some of those people act like they don't have a brain in their head.If I affended anyone I'm sorry just put it down to my age I'm 45.

It was just my 2 cents

 

[madeline]

No offense taken at all, Brat. I think that show Blind Date is pretty horrible- but rumor has it most of those folks are actors. Have you seen Change of Heart? Now that is a rotten show.

Congrats on your marriage. Takes guts- both to ask, and to make it work for 25 years. I hope to do as well someday. But I'm in no rush.

Sweet dreams,

madeline

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Madeline, at the rate I'm going, I'm single for the foreseeable decade. Unless I move to Atlanta...I notice the women there are MUCH friendlier. LOTS of smiles and "hello"s. Ahhh....I LOVE a nice "Hello". Look me up when you get maybe by then I'll be more cheerful.

Ummmmm I LIKE "Blind Date". I didn't know they were actors, though (or so it is rumored). It bugs me out how clownish some of these people are, how...STUPID. Eh, "Change Of Heart" is just background noise while I'm cleaning up.

 

[rambling man]

Don't give up, Jack. The funny thing about women is that the moment you stop really searching, then they fall into your lap. Mind games suck, but you just have to remember that you are the one that is doing right by people and chalk up their behavior to foolishness. Don't take it hard, buddy. It is also possible she had a boyfriend, they had a big spat, but by the time you called they patched things up.

Clubs are bad places to meet women. The best places are college classes, I think anyway,

The world would be a better place without the mind games. If people are attracted, just come out and talk frankly about it.

 

[cymbidia]

It seems to me that many people who play games may not be doing so intentionally. They may be insecure and not able to deal with another person, especially one they're attracted to, as themselves. They may not know how to relate to another person in an honest and straightforward manner. And, in truth, they may be using you, the virtual stranger, as a way to buff up thier self-esteem.

However, no one can hurt you if you don't allow them to do so.

If someone presses a number on you and you call and all seems to be going well, and then - silence - well, it has nothing to do with *you* obviously, does it? You're a good guy. You've done nothing offensive. In fact, it's sad for them that they've not managed to see your sterling qualities, isn't it?

No one can ever hurt us unless we allow them to do so.
In casual encounters, it may be a little foolish to open one's heart and hopes so readily and soon. Such openness, such dawning hope for future closeness, is a gift we give to those who inhabit our lives as we draw closer to them.

There's nothing wrong with you.
There may or may not be something wrong with the women who did such things to you - but that's immaterial. They chose another course, one that feels hurtful to you, one that seems to lack honor and decency. You don't need such people in your life and are better off without them.

Most people are good.
Most people want what we all want - to be loved, to give love, to find a soulmate.
We just all go about it differently, and therein lies the potential for hurt.

Keep your heart open, though, and know most of the women you pass in the street are looking for the same thing you're looking for, the same thing what we all want.

 

[*Lazer*]

I think a lot of people need some flirting lessons. It is one thing to flirt with a guy and quite another to give them your phone number and so raise the ante so to speak. I think it is a thoughtless kind of person who does this type of thing, not fully realizing that it is hurtful. Please don't let it put you off flirting or taking a chance the next time round. I took a chance on flirting with someone here and will be eternally grateful that I did.

 

[THEBRAT]

Lazer your very right I asked my Hubby to marry me after only knowing him for 3 months and that was 25 years ago true love will find you when you least expect it.

 

[daisyduke21]

Jack, darlin. Im a southern girl, and I might be young and from the backwoods, but I think I can help you out.
Seriously its either one of two things: 1. The girl dont see much action, or 2. Shes been hooking up with guys who only want a piece of ass and she thought you would be the same way. Thats probobly why she laid all that threesome shit on you. When you turned out to be a respectible man, she didnt know how to deal with you, so she droped you. Id also say she has the self esteem of a piss ant, so thats why I think she tracked you down to thank you for complimenting her. Dont get me wrong, I still think she treated you just awful, but I think you ought to not think all women will do that to ya either. Theres alot of lonely women in the world like her. Avoid em if ya can darlin, because the time youll invest building them up will only result in tearing you, and your faith in women, down.

But thats just a hillbilly's point of view

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Daisyduke, whenever I get together with the guys and talk, of course we discuss women, and that's one of the main things we say--some women aren't used to being treated well, and don't know how to react to it. Jesus Christ, I know girls who think it's acceptable that their man insist on going to the club alone every weekend. It's okay if makes them pay for everything (because he's too busy club-hopping to get a job). They don't know what an actual relationship is supposed to be like.

And Angie definitely wanted the attention, but at the same time I thought she was being sincere with me. She's a beautiful woman, so guys are always after her. She's a bit abrasive in the street, so she repels the jerks just as quickly.

Ennhhh, what can ya do, y'know--?

 

[daisyduke21]

Well, I dont really know what ya can do. I do know that when you say the girls a bit abrasive, all shes trying to do is keep her guard up.

Ive been alot like this girl, I think what really might have happened here was you were coming across to her as the type of man who ain't just after a piece of tail. Which is a great thing, dont get me wrong, but she might be thinking that she came across as a bit too easy in your eyes due to all the talking about her sex life with ya. That might have made her feel like she couldnt talk to you again.

Theres been a time when I was with a man and I thought he wanted sex, when he all he wanted was to get to know me better. I embarrased myself by talkin about things, if ya know what I mean, and then when I realized I was dealin with a descent man, I realized I made an awful impression on him. Now thats not to say that she made one on you, but she may be thinkin that . And that could be why you aint heard from her again.

If shes a guarded person, which it sounds like she is, then you really did make a memorable impression this lady. I think I was a bit off target before when I said she had low self esteem. I dont think thats the problem so much as shes just been treated terribly by men and she dont want to deal with that anymore. When you came along, she really liked you, and since the general idea is if you want to keep a man give him sex, she thought talking about sex with you would make you more interested. If i were a betting gal, which I am, Id say that all she's wishin youd try to get back up with her. Talk to her like you think she's a princess. Talk to her like she s the most special thing youve ever seen in all your days, but only if you mean it. I think if she had a second chance, shed see that you sincerly like her.
I know this makes sense darlin. If it dont say so and Ill try to explain better.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

daisyduke, you were right on the money.

She actually called yesterday, and I just got in from hanging out with her. I got the distinct impression she was happy I didn't seem to be upset with her. We REALLY had a good time, and I was surpeised at how happy I was to see her. She'd always seemed comfortable around each other, but today seemed more...close. I'm realy trying to get to know her, that's all, I'm not into quick hit and runs. Hopefully she realizes that.

I dunno.

 

[daisyduke21]

Thats great Jack!! I so tickled that you two could get together again. As far as her realizing that you arent into quick hit and runs, unfortunately youll have to prove that to her. I know that don't seem right, but thats just how it works with us women. Now you just take it slow with her, show genuine interest in her, and treat her like shes a real special lady in your eyes, and you'll win her over if you aint already. You just bear in mind what all Ive told you, and I aint no psychic, but I think you two could really work out. I hope you the best darlin. Ill check back in with ya I only ask one thing in return , the next time you hear a joke about dumbass hillbillies, at least say you know one smart one

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Update...

Guys, I still need a little help here.

We've hung out a couple times since I last posted...one time in particular we were in Times Square and I had to leave after being with her for about four hours--things to d, things to d. She had sme stuff to do online herself, so we parted company...two hours later, I get a voicemail from her asking me if I could come BACK and we could resume our "hangout time". I was already home (I live in the backwoods of Queens) and it was about 1:30 AM, so she would've had to wait awhile for me to get there. We both agreed to take a raincheck, but I gotta say, that REALLY got my hopes up.

NOW, two days ago she leaves me a message at 7 AM askig me to go to an upcoming concert with her. Again, I'm impressed. BUT...

I've already told her--or so I thought--that I liked her. I've run all this by a close female riend, and accordng to her maybe I wasn't clear enough. She seems t think Angie may be percieving me as trying to be just a friend. I've made NO attempts to move in on her intimately--I haven't even tried to kiss her. I NEVER try to rush things. And then again, I've never had a girl initiate things to this degree. Am I misconstruing things?

I called her today andtold her I wanted to meet with her tmorrow and talk for a minute...she seemed very receptive (I could almost hear her smiling). My intention is to tel her flat out how I feel--EVERYTHING. To yo gus it may seem like I should've long ago did this, but remember, I'm VERY guarded and careful in my movements. Maybe she just wants to be friends and I'm simply misreading things. But then again, even I can see how things look...the late-night early-morning calls. The invitation to the concert. What to do, what to do?

Does she tink I'm NOT interested because I'm not jumping her yet? She's told me several times that she's never had a good relationship, that she feels men use her. Am I moving too fast by just telling her how I feel? Hey, I'm clueless with this one. She's..different. At least for me.

Sorry to write such a long post, but I'm trying to give yo info to work with. Your responses before REALY helped me get over the disappointment I had before, and her coming around again was the proverbial cherry atop the ice cream sundae. I just don't want to fuck up.

Thanks.