Why didn't I die?

[vampiredust]

There is something that is bothering me.

A few months ago, I did something stupid. I was really depressed and things came to a head when I tried to kill myself. Hell, I tried the easiest method I could think of at the time: an overdose. My doctor had given a prescription for a two month supply of antidepressants (citalopram) and I decided to use them. One night, I swallowed 55 of them, one after the other. In a minute I had swallowed close to two months worth, I was waaay over the recommended dosage and was on lethal terms. I knew death would come.

But I didn't die. For some odd fucking reason I didn't die. This whole thing is really bothering me. Why the hell didn't I die? I have been racked with guilt for months now and don't understand why I didn't just collapse and die.

 

[Recidiva]

I tried once too, but mine was hypothermia. Just tried to freeze myself in the middle of a field once.

But in the middle of it I got this vision quest thing and the will to stand back up and keep going.

So life finds a way and has a ton of defense systems you just can't control.

Never tried again. I think about it, but no plans.

The guilt is optional.

 

[Guest]

this is the hardest type of post to make. simply put, i dont know you or your situation and i wont placate with platitudes...
there is much too much that someone should know before spouting direction...offering advice. i do hope that you don't have this desire any longer and i am very glad you didn't succeed in your attempt to take your life.
no one here can tell you why it didn't work. we all have such different beliefs.
i can say that i am glad you are here.

 

[rgraham666]

Been there. My method was trying to hang myself.

Something in me, pure bloody mindedness is the best way to describe it, got me down and calling for help.

I've held on to that for years, a simple determination not to die my own hand.

"Better to die with steel in your teeth than in your back" is another way to put it.

As to your question, I have no idea. I don't understand the universe all that well and have even less control over it. But I've learned to be comfortable with my ignorance and powerlessness. The first is fixable, although not entirely. And the second is a fact of life, although not absolute.

You'll make it. You made it this far. No real reason why you can't make it farther despite the lies your fear tells you.

 

[NoJo]

There is something that is bothering me.

A few months ago, I did something stupid. I was really depressed and things came to a head when I tried to kill myself. Hell, I tried the easiest method I could think of at the time: an overdose. My doctor had given a prescription for a two month supply of antidepressants (citalopram) and I decided to use them. One night, I swallowed 55 of them, one after the other. In a minute I had swallowed close to two months worth, I was waaay over the recommended dosage and was on lethal terms. I knew death would come.

But I didn't die. For some odd fucking reason I didn't die. This whole thing is really bothering me. Why the hell didn't I die? I have been racked with guilt for months now and don't understand why I didn't just collapse and die.

Well, hopefully, the reason you didn't die is that you weren't meant to.

 

[impressive]

I think the more important question is: Do you still WANT to die?

x12

 

[vampiredust]

I think the more important question is: Do you still WANT to die?

x12

not anymore, life has been good lately

 

[NoJo]

not anymore, life has been good lately

Well, then, if you're feeling better, now's a good time to start taking steps to ensure you don't attempt suicide again.

 

[impressive]

not anymore, life has been good lately

Then, my friend, you have your answer! {{{HUGS}}}

 

[HappyLlama]

There's too much in this world to see and experience.
So many people to meet with their own stories to tell.

It would be a shame to miss any of this.

 

[3113]

not anymore, life has been good lately

Another important question: Why do you feel guilty about *not* dying? Is that what you feel guility about?

The why doesn't matter. People survive all kinds of things they ought not survive by accident, or just because some bodies can take a great deal before giving up the ghost. Have you ever read Permanent Midnight by Jerry Stahl? Heroin addict. Given what he was taking, as much as he was taking, for so long--the abuse to his body, it's a shocker that he's still alive. And yet he is.

I'm sure some people will say that you were saved by a higher power, or that you were meant to do something and haven't done it yet. Maybe that's true, or maybe millions of years of evolution gave you a body difficult to kill; i.e., you won the genetic lottery. Some people do. The important thing is to realize that the why doesn't matter.

All that matters is understanding why you feel guilty about it...and finding a way to free yourself from those feelings.

 

[gauchecritic]

deleted

Stupid thing to say.

 

[Aurora Black]

I'm glad you're still here.

 

[NoJo]

Stupid thing to say.

Stupid, relative to what?

 

[TxRad]

Stupid, relative to what?

Most of my relatives go with that word......

VampireDust.... I don't have anything personal to add to this except, I'm glad you stuck around....

Most likely your guilt is from the attempt more than the survival.... Life finds a way to go on even when you think you can't.... Take it as an omen.... That and the fact that life is good now... everything happens for a reason, even if you don't understand it at the time...

 

[gauchecritic]

Stupid, relative to what?

relative to relatives.

 

[ElizabethWest]

relative to relatives.

I have some stupid relatives. Relatively speaking.


Hi VampireDust. Glad to have you around. I won't even try to answer the question of why, just happy because.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Joking?

I chanced upon this thread and wonder if its serious or joking. I'm okay with joking. But I recently lost my father. It was a terrible blow to the family. I realize you don't know that, etc.

Please reassure me this is a "funny" thead. Maybe I'm naive, but death is a thing to be delayed, not anxiously ushered in.

 

[MissBri]

 

[Recidiva]

I chanced upon this thread and wonder if its serious or joking. I'm okay with joking. But I recently lost my father. It was a terrible blow to the family. I realize you don't know that, etc.

Please reassure me this is a "funny" thead. Maybe I'm naive, but death is a thing to be delayed, not anxiously ushered in.

No, no doubt not a joke.

But there's a level of gallows humor that if you've just recently been to a funeral, you probably came in contact with, even by association.

 

[CharleyH]

There is something that is bothering me.

A few months ago, I did something stupid. I was really depressed and things came to a head when I tried to kill myself. Hell, I tried the easiest method I could think of at the time: an overdose. My doctor had given a prescription for a two month supply of antidepressants (citalopram) and I decided to use them. One night, I swallowed 55 of them, one after the other. In a minute I had swallowed close to two months worth, I was waaay over the recommended dosage and was on lethal terms. I knew death would come.

But I didn't die. For some odd fucking reason I didn't die. This whole thing is really bothering me. Why the hell didn't I die? I have been racked with guilt for months now and don't understand why I didn't just collapse and die.

I can't hold back any longer - no weird reason - just obviously, you did not want to die, otherwise you would. What is your purpose for this thread?

 

[joeys-game]

I can't hold back any longer - no weird reason - just obviously, you did not want to die, otherwise you would. What is your purpose for this thread?

Does he need a purpose for this thread?

Support perhaps.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Not all drugs are lethal in overdose, and anti-depressents are among the least lethal. Your kidneys filter them out faster than they can get to your brain, which is why you have to take them for weeks before you have a high enough concentration for them to start to work.

Most oral drugs just aren't that lethal. Tranquilizers and sleeping pills kill you most commonly by causing you to vomit while you're unconscious and aspirate or inhale your own puke, in which case you suffocate in your own vomit.

If more people knew this, there'd probably be less people trying to kill themselves with tranquilizers.

So much for the easy way out. You'd might as well live.

 

[CharleyH]

Does he need a purpose for this thread?

Support perhaps.

Yes he does need a purpose to ask on an - oh an AUTHORS HANGOUT - what does this thread have to do with writing? Should he not get a therapist? I THINK so - We have all been there and done it, but is the AH, or has it become nothing more than a whoa is me venue? Support? For writers? Yes - for the troubled? There is help, but this is not, or at least I never believed it to be a wounded bird hangout.

Sounds harsh, huh? Its callled reality.

 

[joeys-game]

Yes he does need a purpose to ask on an - oh an AUTHORS HANGOUT - what does this thread have to do with writing? Should he not get a therapist? I THINK so - We have all been there and done it, but is the AH, or has it become nothing more than a whoa is me venue? Support? For writers? Yes - for the troubled? There is help, but this is not, or at least I never believed it to be a wounded bird hangout.

Sounds harsh, huh? Its callled reality.

I'm sorry Charlie but i have seen many threads on the AH where people are just asking for a little support. I understand and respesct your feelings but i just don't agree with you on this one.
No hard feelings