Whoops! I did it again!

[OnnaDare]

Hello!
Thanks to all who responded to my first Lit Submission - I took your kind words/suggestions to heart and gave it another go! It's called "Art and Orgies and Che."

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=497305

It's 5 Lit Pages long - (I just can't seem to keep it short, LOL) and I hope to hear from you all, as I respect your opinions.

So - who's up for making me my next dare? I'm kicking around whether or not I'd like to try the Halloween story contest...Hit me back, homies!

Onna

 

[SweetOblivion]

good story

A story that keeps you engaged through all five pages. I liked the ending - that could actually have been the title of the piece. A few typos crept in on page 4, but very well written nonetheless.

I envy your creativity.

Sweet O.

 

[talismania]

I really enjoyed the story, in particular your nuanced characters and the intriguing, well-depicted artsy setting. Lara held my interest and Che intrigued me. The sex was hot and also a bit dangerous, personally, for Lara. I felt concern for Lara, and also for Che, so you captured their situation well. Best of all, I was delighted with the way the story ended.

One drawback, however, was the preponderance of ellipses (...). I thought you could do without most of them. They created a choppiness to the narrative, particularly the dialogue, I found irritating at times. Like this example:

"I gotta go home. Maybe I'll...see you tomorrow? We could go... shopping or something."

Take out the ellipses and the conversation flows more naturally. Or here:

"You know I'm not...gay...I don't...want...you. I want...her."

Taking out some of the ellipses makes the remaining punctuation more powerful:

"You know I'm not...gay. I don't want you. I want... her."

My suggestion would be to go back into the story and take out ALL the ellipses. Then go through and only put back in those that most emphasize a word that really gives the sentence kick.

You're really talented. This punctuation stuff is the fine-tuning part.