Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

[Liar]

World Destruction Begins Sept. 29

LONG BEACH, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- Mark September 29 on your calendar because it will mark the beginning of the end of the world.

That's the chilling news from E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson, who claims various conglomerations of alien races are conspiring to destroy planet Earth on that day -- with the help of a few volcanoes and earthquakes.

Johnson says an earthquake is scheduled to take place in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when the "crest" of the quake happens, a giant spacecraft will slam into the fault line like a "kamikaze" fighter and start a global chain reaction that will result in the ultimate destruction of the planet.

He claims the E.T.s want to destroy Earth because, in his words, "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."

Some humans will be saved, and Johnson says many are already being abducted to other planets to be used as super computers.

It sounds hopeless, but he says hundreds of human abductees are working as a resistance force by learning to fly UFOs.

http://www.ncbuy.com/news/2004-07-19/1010116.html

 

[dr_mabeuse]

World Destruction Begins Sept. 29

He claims the E.T.s want to destroy Earth because, in his words, "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."
http://www.ncbuy.com/news/2004-07-19/1010116.html

Which method of problem-solving is it? Shooting each other or appearing on Jerry Springer?

---dr.M.

 

[Liar]

Re: Re: Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

Which method of problem-solving is it? Shooting each other or appearing on Jerry Springer?

---dr.M.

That one hade me stumped too.

 

[CharleyH]

World Destruction Begins Sept. 29
Some humans will be saved, and Johnson says many are already being abducted to other planets to be used as super computers.
http://www.ncbuy.com/news/2004-07-19/1010116.html

So that's where SubJoe got too.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

So that's where SubJoe got too.

Brilliant, Ch.

Perdita

 

[shereads]

He claims the E.T.s want to destroy Earth because, in his words, "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."

Anal probes must reveal more about us than you'd think. Sounds like they've got us pegged.

 

[MagicFingers]

I'l give you TWO rat's asses

for the whole election.
Here's hoping the former happens before the latter.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Alien abduction or Bush for another 4 years?

Anal probe lubricant, anyone?

 

[Lisa Denton]

Alien abduction or Bush for another 4 years?

Anal probe lubricant, anyone?

I'll do you if you do me?

I'm afraid Liar may be right, lately I've heard rumours, or were they voices, that the real killer of J.F.K., along with people like Dick Cheney and other comedians, were actually aliens disguised as humans working towards a sinister goal like world destruction or maybe even taking the Judge Judy Show off t.v.
This could get ugly people!!!!!

 

[RebeccaLeah]

I'll do you if you do me?

I'm afraid Liar may be right, lately I've heard rumours, or were they voices, that the real killer of J.F.K., along with people like Dick Cheney and other comedians, were actually aliens disguised as humans working towards a sinister goal like world destruction or maybe even taking the Judge Judy Show off t.v.
This could get ugly people!!!!!

I heard the real Elvis finally came back and got pissed because he couldn't land a gig in Vegas...so the casinos are going first. I wonder if he'll spare the little old ladies playing the slot machines?

 

[Lisa Denton]

I heard the real Elvis finally came back and got pissed because he couldn't land a gig in Vegas...so the casinos are going first. I wonder if he'll spare the little old ladies playing the slot machines?

I think the real Elvis is on this site in disguise as Remec, could he be BEHIND all the anal probing and treacherous plotting to deprive us of Judge Judy's wisdom and humour.
EEeeeeeeek!!!!!! Ima scared!!!!!!

 

[RebeccaLeah]

I think the real Elvis is on this site in disguise as Remec, could he be BEHIND all the anal probing and treacherous plotting to deprive us of Judge Judy's wisdom and humour.
EEeeeeeeek!!!!!! Ima scared!!!!!!

You're welcome to join me.
*runs and hides under her bed*

 

[Lisa Denton]

You're welcome to join me.
*runs and hides under her bed*

O.k.
*runs and grabs a few sex toys and joins Rebecca under the bed so they can console each other about trivial things like world destruction. And also to find out which came first, the chicken or the egg, or Lisa or Rebecca.*

 

[RebeccaLeah]

O.k.
*runs and grabs a few sex toys and joins Rebecca under the bed so they can console each other about trivial things like world destruction. And also to find out which came first, the chicken or the egg, or Lisa or Rebecca.*

Lisa, you're welcome to try for first but it would probably be me. I'm just too damn easy. Though I don't really mind much.

Just don't tell anyone that we're hiding under the bed or he might find us! Shhhh!

 

[Lisa Denton]

Lisa, you're welcome to try for first but it would probably be me. I'm just too damn easy. Though I don't really mind much.

Just don't tell anyone that we're hiding under the bed or he might find us! Shhhh!

Lisa and Rebecca join forces....... and other things, and then vow to the aliens as they hold some anal probes high........
We're gonna fight back you meanie anal probing aliens!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Lisa and Rebecca join forces....... and other things, and then vow to the aliens as they hold some anal probes high........
We're gonna fight back you meanie anal probing aliens!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pouting*
aww, can't we at least enjoy them first?
(well second, ballet class first, but I'll be back to enjoy them later. )

 

[SeaCat]

I have always thought that if an alien race were advanced enough to travel across the vast open spaces and find our meager planet, they would either destroy it on sight to keep us from making our way into space, or they would just sit out there watching us while laughing what they used for asses off at our collective stupidity.

Cat

 

[Liar]

The Canadians got it right.


Anal Probing Aliens

Transcribed from: Comedy Central

Cast:
Dave- Anal-Prober
Kevin- Memory-Eraser
Mark- Redneck Anal Probe Victim
Luc Casmeri- Willing Anal Probe Victim


[Scene: An alien spaceship above the Earth. A laboratory/examining room]

Mark: Why does everything always happen to me?

[We see Mark on a table, with two strange white "lights" folded down near his head. A sequined blanket is draped over him, and he lies down with his knees curled up into his chest. We see two aliens stand around him. One alien holds a strange device that looks kind of like a lightsaber, but with a solid white plastic piece where the beam would be.]

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

[Dave switches the device on as it begins to glow. It looks like a lightsaber with a small white beam]

Dave: Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: [nods] Commence anal probing.

[Mark screams loud and long as Dave sticks it where the sun don't shine. He pulls it out, after two seconds and pulls off the white plastic part [to sterilize it?]

Dave: Quick, erase his memory!

[Kevin waves a hand over Mark as the two lighted "paddles" come up. Mark stops yelling and gets a calm look on his face]

Kevin: Memory's erased. Get him out of here.

[Two other aliens come and start to wheel Mark off]

Dave: Move it. [pauses as he moves closer to Kevin] Ah, boy.

Kevin: Something wrong?

Dave: Ah.. it's nothing really....

Kevin: I think you could use a cup of coffee.

Dave: Yeah. [sighs]

[They move to a lounge where Kevin pours two cups of coffee. They keep talking as Dave sits down]

Kevin: So what's bothering you?

Dave: Ahhhh.... Lately I just keep wondering... what's the point?

Kevin: The point?

Dave: Yeah. What's the point of what we do?

Kevin: Sorry, I don't follow you

[Kevin sits down]

Dave: Well, I mean, we travel 250,000 light years across the universe, abduct humans, probe the anally and release them.

Kevin: Yeah... AND?

Dave: Well, doesn't it seem kind of point-LESS?

Kevin: I really don't think about it.

Dave: Well don't you think you should?

Kevin: No, I don't think I should. I don't think I should question the leadership of our Great Leader

Dave: Oh, come on! I mean, we've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes and all that we have learned is that 1 in10 doesn't really seem to mind.

Kevin: Well, do you have a better plan than our Great Leader?

Dave: Yes I do, I do have a better plan. My plan is that we DON'T travel 250,000 light years, we DON'T abduct any humans and, this is the best part, we DON'T do any anal probing.

Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh, great plan! Do you realize how many people Intergalactic Anal-Probing employees?

[They see that the next victim is ready. They put down the coffee and do the same motions as before, except Dave is very reluctant this time.]

Kevin: Well back to work.

Dave: Awww..

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

Dave: [unenthusiastic]Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: Commence anal probing

Dave:[rolling eyes, exasperated] Couldn't we at least abduct their political or religious leaders instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?!?!

Kevin: I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons

Dave: [sarcastic] Well, I'm sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!

Kevin: [calmly] All right. I am now officially ignoring you. Commence anal probing.

[Dave inserts the probe. This victim doesn't scream. Rather, he smiles and looks happy.]

Dave: Well, that's a relief anyway. Erase his memory.

Kevin [going through motions] Memory is erased.

Dave: Get him out of here.

Kevin: [to interns wheeling victim out.] Come on, kid. Move it. Move it!

[They move to the window and look out on the moon and the Earth]

Kevin: You know what you need? A hobby. I know it helps me.

Dave: Yeah? What do you do?

Kevin: Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer. Would you like to see my portfolio?

Dave: No. I would hate to.

Kevin: Fine. Screw you.

Dave: Well, Screw you.

[Kevin moves off, leaving Dave staring at the Earth]

 

[Liar]

I have always thought that if an alien race were advanced enough to travel across the vast open spaces and find our meager planet, they would either destroy it on sight to keep us from making our way into space, or they would just sit out there watching us while laughing what they used for asses off at our collective stupidity.

Cat

Or they would take one glance, say "look mommy, and anthill" and drive on.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

The Canadians got it right.

Ah, good ol' Kids in the Hall.

On the subject of the alien invasion, who's been reading my secret files?

 

[RebeccaLeah]

On the subject of the alien invasion, who's been reading my secret files?

Lisa and I snuck in to your office last night and made copies of all the interesting looking stuff. Once we got back to my place, after a very nice introduction to Lisa's toy box(es), we looked over the stuff again. The ones we thought were really neat (that weren't soaked and smeared), we sent to the newspapers this morning.

 

[Lisa Denton]

Ah, good ol' Kids in the Hall.

On the subject of the alien invasion, who's been reading my secret files?

It was your fusterclucked filing system Lucifer, all your secret files was mixed in with the Victoria's Secret brochures and me and Rebecca was mesmerized with the idea of being anally probed by beautiful alien girls while wearing fashionable yet revealing lingerie.

(P.S. It was Rebecca who left her wet panties in your c.d. tray)

 

[Somme]

Re: Re: Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

Anal probes must reveal more about us than you'd think. Sounds like they've got us pegged.

I wish they'd ask before they did, though.

 

[Lisa Denton]

Re: Re: Re: Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

I wish they'd ask before they did, though.

Sometimes the surprise is half the fun.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: Re: Who gives a rat's ass about the election?!

Anal probes must reveal more about us than you'd think. Sounds like they've got us pegged.

I don't want to know what anal probing might have to say about me.