Whispersecret's Wisdom Worked Well

[Alex De Kok]

If anyone's interested, the full version of my tale - where Whispersecret commented on the (original) first 500 words - has now been posted. I'm quite pleased. Over 350 votes and almost 24000 views in the first twenty-four hours!

It's called One Naiad, Reporting For Duty, and it's in the Incest category, which might just explain the interest.

My excuse is that it's for Survivor...

Alex

 

[Whispersecret]

Hey, Alex. That's great news. Your style really seems tight in this story. Nice job. I think the build up between the characters was great. All along I could see Aunt J's mental wheels turning. It was fun being in on her scheme while Tom was clueless.

I thought the story slowed down a little during the steak scene. Perhaps the conversation about his sexual experience could have been pushed into another scene?

"What about girlfriends?" Jackie asked curiously.
What's with the "curiously," dude? LOL If she's asking, she's curious.

"Yes," she said, "that's what I want, too." That reads so placidly when in the next moment, she's twisting around to kiss him hard.

Crooned is a great word.

I feel like their problem isn't quite resolved. They talked about the "wrongness" of their act, but didn't quite come to a resolution, so I feel a little uncomfortable, like the story isn't over. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just me.

Still, all in all, it was a great story. I wouldn't expect to see anything less from you, mate. Glad to hear you're getting recognition.