Where's the fine line?

[Christopher2012]

I know this is probably a slightly dumb question, but where is the line between being assertive with women and being inappropriate. Now, I understand the vast extremes. It's just that I notice most guys go to boderline unacceptable behavior with women, and it works out a lot of times. I can't really give examples on the spot. But yeah...

 

[sunandshadow]

The problem is that the same behavior that can be appealing to a more submissive woman can be repellant to non-submissive woman or even a submissive woman who isn't interested in you.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I know this is probably a slightly dumb question, but where is the line between being assertive with women and being inappropriate. Now, I understand the vast extremes. It's just that I notice most guys go to boderline unacceptable behavior with women, and it works out a lot of times. I can't really give examples on the spot. But yeah...

Sounds more like being an asshole than assertive. Why do you feel the need to be assertive, anyway, is it important that those around you, particularly women be subservient to you?

 

[Christopher2012]

Sounds more like being an asshole than assertive. Why do you feel the need to be assertive, anyway, is it important that those around you, particularly women be subservient to you?

What the...? Do you know what assertive means?

 

[HubbyLikesIt]

It is a fine line...

I've read many times that women like a confident man. I've been exploring assertive behavior in my marriage, as I'm typically rather soft-spoken. I find it usually goes over well in the bedroom, other places not so much.
I think this has to do with the individual woman more than anything. One person's asshole is another's Prince Charming I guess.

 

[Noira]

There's a fine line, yeah, but as long as you're just being generally decisive and not forcing things upon people, assertive it is, and not assholery. Saying "Let's go to this place for dinner, I know you like Chinese food" is assertive. Saying "I don't care if you want Italian, we're going here because I said so, and also they have hot waitresses" is assholery. You know. Assertive really just means "actually having an opinion, decisive and self-confident" in my book, not "authoritive and dictative with no regards to others".

So if you have an opinion and you're confident about it, you're on the safe side of the line, as long as you keep in mind the opinions of the others around you rather than expecting them to bow to your wishes... unless you know that's what they like. As was said by the poster above me, one person's Prince Charming is another one's asshole.

It's the difference between "we're going here even though you don't like it!" "I know we both like this so let's go here" and "I don't know, where do you want to go?" and "I don't care where we go."

 

[sunandshadow]

Sounds more like being an asshole than assertive. Why do you feel the need to be assertive, anyway, is it important that those around you, particularly women be subservient to you?

What the...? Do you know what assertive means?

Yeah I think maybe you mixed it up with aggressive, Muncher.

 

[coastal-boy]

Don't end sentences in "But yeah..."

 

[NippleMuncher]

Yeah I think maybe you mixed it up with aggressive, Muncher.

I took it the same way as Noira did. The tone of OP's post sounded more like he was asking how to be ASSertive, not more confident or bold.

Christopher2012 - Some men can get away with statements that are inappropriate because what they're saying and how they're saying it is in a joking manner. Some men have a personality that allows them to say things far outside the realm of acceptability because they tend to be "assholes" that people around them expect and accept certain behaviors from.

Maybe if you give a few examples of what you think is assertive, and the types of things you're seeing/hearing other guys get away with we can give you more appropriate responses.

 

[newlegz]

I think its difficult to pin point particular examples. Like the others in the thread, I think its easier to define it by the general attitude. For example, a simple phrase like "Well hey there" can fit into both categories based on tone, context, body language, etc.

I think assertive did perhaps get a bit misconstrued. I think what Christopher is referring to is that sense of ok, why can one guy pull "something" off and another can't. I'm also assuming that he's referring to interacting with women you've just met or are approaching for the first time.

I think it comes down to nonverbal cues. For instance, a bar or place w/ loud music how do you determine who is assertive and who is inappropriate. She may not hear a word you say, but if you appear via non verbal cues to be threatening or sleezy.

I would agree with Noira and Hubby as well, I think they key in on some good points as far as being assertive v. cocky. Self-Confidence is very attractive, but when it crosses the line into that cocky, "asshole behavior" it becomes unacceptable.

I hope that somehow answers or adds to the discussion of your question Christopher.

 

[dollface007]

You know, I think this is a really great question. There *is* a fine line, and I think some guys know how to walk it and some don't. Also, there are probably some women you can't win over no matter what.

I think probably one key to falling on the "ballsy" side rather than the "creepy" side is to know your audience. If you're just meeting someone, say in a bar or at a party with booze and conversation flowing, I think you need to chat them up a little first. Does the woman continue the conversation with you, lean into you, touch your arm? Or does she look around, wondering how she can find someone else to talk to?

I think once you get a sign that she's "open," chatting, flirting, joking, touching, THEN you can be a little more assertive. I always respond best when it's done with smile and a wink or a twinkle in the eye. It's like saying to the woman, "I'm so into you that I wanna throw down right now, but I won't hold it against you if you'd rather not." The worst...THE ABSOLUTE WORST...is when women are labeled "bitches" just because they don't respond to some random guy's advances. Just...no. That will immediately get you thrown into the creep category. Play it light and cool.

I hope this was somewhat helpful...

 

[Guest]

attitude is the difference

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