Where do you draw the line?

[Just-Legal]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Gah. Help?

 

[3113]

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Honest about?

The problem with this question is that there's nothing cut-and-dried. There are things I told my mother even though they weren't pleasant for me to say or her to hear, because I thought I could get through to her. But there were other things I never told my mother. Why not? Well, not because it would devastate her, but only because there's no way it would penetrate; she was not going to understand, not ever, so there was really no point.

The question isn't a matter of devistation, it's a matter of whether the person can and will eventually absorb the information and adjust to it. If there's no possiblity of this, then it makes no sense. If there is a possiblity, then that's different.

 

[Just-Legal]

My mother and I have similar depressive conditions. She blames herself for me being ill. The shrink reccomended I tell her the truth about how ill I am, so she can support me a bit more, but my deep worry is she'll blame herself and get back into her cycle. Its, hard to explain. Rationally, I think she'd get over it and be able and willing to help, its getting past the inital "Oh shit" stuff that I don't know if I can cope with.

 

[Tom Collins]

That's pretty hard. I'd have to be in the specific situation to even come close to deciding. For instance, I haven't told my brother that I'm bi, and I've not said anything about writing, much less what I write.

I don't tell him because I have a good idea of how he'll react. This is not altruistic by any measure, believe me. I couldn't give a shaved rat's ass how he feels about it, I just don't want to have to put up with his pompus, self-rightious, I'm-better-than-you attitude. I see no reason why he needs to know, so I don't think I should have to listen to his oral flatulence.

Not to mention the fact that he'd tell his wife and that would probably be one more thing for her to hate me for, but that would actually be a plus in my book.

 

[_Lynn_]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Gah. Help?

Years ago I had to tell something from My past---knowing it would hurt the person I told. But it also gave them a little better idea of why I was angry so often. All the years of hurt had built up inside, giving this evil person power over Me. When I broke down and shared, told My side, it actually helped. The more I share now, the freeer I am from My past.
It isn't much help, but I can relate to what you are going through.

 

[shereads]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Gah. Help?

Is there the likelihood that your mother or someone else will be harmed if you keep your secret? Or is your shrink just suggesting you'll feel better if you aren't carrying the burden of the truth all alone?

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I like what 3113 said. Lynn gave one good reason in favor of sharing, but I'm not a fan of the current bias in favor of always "letting it all hang out." There can be very good reasons not to share, and JL has noted some good ones.

I would not take that advice you got as gospel, JL. This was a good idea to seek input here. You are also doing the right thing in trying to independently judge what the likely effects of disclosure will be, and make decisions on how to act based on a rational assessment of those, using your in-depth knowledge of the context, and of the interrelationship of complex and ambiguous matters.

Best wishes.

 

[_Lynn_]

I like what 3113 said. Lynn gave one good reason in favor of sharing, but I'm not a fan of the current bias in favor of "letting it all hang out." There can be very good reasons not to share, and JL has noted some good ones.

I would not take that advice you got as gospel, JL. This was a good idea to seek input here. You are also doing the right thing in trying to independently judge what the likely effects of disclosure will be, and make decisions on how to act based on a rational assessment of those, using your in-depth knowledge of the context, and of the interrelationship of complex and ambiguous matters.

Best wishes.

There are so many factors in sharing or not sharing. I did on My own, not through My Psychiatrist. Years later, looking back, I see that the fear of telling had built up in My head, making it harder for Me.
Each person has to decide on their own, and each circumstance has to be weighed.

 

[3113]

My mother and I have similar depressive conditions. She blames herself for me being ill. The shrink reccomended I tell her the truth about how ill I am, so she can support me a bit more, but my deep worry is she'll blame herself and get back into her cycle. Its, hard to explain. Rationally, I think she'd get over it and be able and willing to help, its getting past the inital "Oh shit" stuff that I don't know if I can cope with.

Thank you for letting us know what it was--it does make a difference.

There are two ways to look at this:

1) First, consider what would happen if you NEVER told her. Kept it a secret forever and forever. Assume you could do this, in some magical world where it would never, ever come out and your mom could remain blissfully ignorant of your real condition. Would that be a good thing? Not just for her but for you?

2) I once talked to a kid who wanted to learn how to read tarot cards. His parents were religious and he planned on hiding this from them knowing that they'd disapprove. I told him he could do that if he wanted, but that he should always think of this before keeping such secrets: "What happens if they find out the truth. What will I have to face if I've kept this secret from them...and they know I've kept it secret from them?"

In this instance, there was a very good chance, given his living at home and all that, of his parents finding the cards--and I wanted him to be prepared for that to happen. If you keep something a secret like that--be it hidden letter or a diary or dirty pictures or e-mails with someone not your spouse, you've got to be willing to face the consequences if it gets out. Was he willing to face the consequences? I asked. If not, better to not do it--or to be open with it.

Now this isn't necessarily the case with you, but you do need to consider: What if your mom finds out all on her own just how sick you are? What if you're hospitalized or she sees your meds? What if she finds out and you haven't told her...what will it be like then?

These are the two things you need to weigh against that initial devistation you anticipate. IF you can keep it a secret forever, and that will benefit you both, then keep it a secret. But IF it's more likely that it will get out, and getting out on it's own will be far worse than if you sit down and calmly inform her of the situation...then better to face the shit-storm now rather than give her a nasty surprise later--one she might not be able to deal with when you most need her to deal with it.

 

[deathlynx]

Well, I know from personal experience you can keep the secret pretty much indefinately...The only reason I revealed mine was because there were medical concerns involved...But I'll also admit I wanted her to know the truth the entire time...in my case it simply wasn't my secret to tell (until circumstances insisted I had to)...

 

[rgraham666]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Gah. Help?

It depends. There are several questions to ask. Who's going to be hurt by revealing it? How badly? Will revealing it end the pain or increase it? Is the secret being revealed for closure or revenge?

I've got things I'll carry to my grave. I don't mind a little pain. I would mind hurting people by letting these secrets be known.

 

[kinkikittyn]

. . . . .

 

[Guest]

That's pretty hard. I'd have to be in the specific situation to even come close to deciding. For instance, I haven't told my brother that I'm bi, and I've not said anything about writing, much less what I write.

I don't tell him because I have a good idea of how he'll react. This is not altruistic by any measure, believe me. I couldn't give a shaved rat's ass how he feels about it, I just don't want to have to put up with his pompus, self-rightious, I'm-better-than-you attitude. I see no reason why he needs to know, so I don't think I should have to listen to his oral flatulence.

Not to mention the fact that he'd tell his wife and that would probably be one more thing for her to hate me for, but that would actually be a plus in my book.

Am wondering if I should tell my sister and her hubby what I do. Their reaction would be the same.

There may be benefits to letting them know after all.

 

[rgraham666]

Am wondering if I should tell my sister and her hubby what I do. Their reaction would be the same.

There may be benefits to letting them know after all.

Save it for a time when an extra 'surprise' does them no good at all.

 

[jomar]

My mother and I have similar depressive conditions. She blames herself for me being ill. The shrink reccomended I tell her the truth about how ill I am, so she can support me a bit more, but my deep worry is she'll blame herself and get back into her cycle. Its, hard to explain. Rationally, I think she'd get over it and be able and willing to help, its getting past the inital "Oh shit" stuff that I don't know if I can cope with.

Do you live near your mother so you can talk in person? If so, maybe you could support each other (I know there's only so much in reserve), even walk together since "studies have shown...."

My two cents, without knowing anything beyond what you've posted here, would be to see if you can "normalize" things for her. If the depression can be reframed as a medical/physical condition like diabetes, crooked teeth and blue eyes, that can take pressure off of blame. I'm not trying to minimize things, but place blame on genetic chance, which goes back father than your mother.

Also, because guilt is part of depression, check out Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy by David Burns (if you haven't already). There's also a workbook.

Best of luck to you.

 

[EHawkins]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I've been told by my psychiatrist to be honest with my mother - the thought of it terrifies the hell out of me because I *know* it will devastate her - and I don't know if I can do it.

Gah. Help?

It is terrifying--I've been there myself... It's hard to go face to face and tell someone, especially a parent, that they're being hurtful to you.

Before I cut ties with my mother years ago, (she has borderline personality disorder and she was destructive to herself and everyone around her...), I sat down and wrote her a "letter" about everthing I felt. When the time came to tell her face to face, I was much more prepared emotionally, not so scared, and I was able to be honest with her. Yes, my mother was angry, and yes, she cried... but I lived through it and I was finally able to get on with my life.

This approach worked for me, but I do agree with the others here--weigh the pros and cons of talking to her first. Writing it out might help you there too, or talking it out with someone close to you.

I hope this helps you out some and remember that you have people in your life to lean on and who love you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[Grushenka]

my deep worry is she'll blame herself and get back into her cycle.

I feel for you, and appreciate your fear and anxiety. However, your use of the word "blame" is very telling. Depression is an illness (I hope you know that), not a weakness or moral lack. It can even be partly hereditary (I know this through my family); what you are calling blame is simply a biological truth. If your mother is unaware of the physiological aspects of depression, perhaps you can help her see it, that whatever she 'passed on' to you could not be helped. Perhaps your therapist can direct you in a way that would strengthen your mother-daughter relationship if you bonded over this illness and so could help each other. Good luck to you.

 

[Frank Noir]

If you had to tell someone close to you something you know will hurt them in the short - or even long - term, something you've kept secret and hidden until it starts to eat your soul, do you do it?

I can think of many situations where it would be the right thing to do.

I'm also painfully aware of the fact that I would probably lack the strength to do it.

(This is not helping much, I'm afraid...)

 

[MagicaPractica]

I think there has been some very sound advice here about reframing the situation as a medical fact and timing. I would just say from personal experience that while speaking the truth to loved ones can be difficult in the beginning, it has the potential to bring you closer together.

 

[oggbashan]

If revealing something would damage someone I love, I'd keep the secret forever.

If that causes a problem for me, I'd find ways to deal with MY problem without making one for them.

Some things are best concealed and forgotten/forgiven.

Having said that, depression is very difficult to live with, either your own or your loved one's. Depression changes people into something they are not, just as any illness can change people.

Og

 

[elfin_odalisque]

If revealing something would damage someone I love, I'd keep the secret forever.

If that causes a problem for me, I'd find ways to deal with MY problem without making one for them.

Some things are best concealed and forgotten/forgiven.

Having said that, depression is very difficult to live with, either your own or your loved one's. Depression changes people into something they are not, just as any illness can change people.

Og

Agreeing totally with Ogg, I would just add another nuance.

Who of us has the right to make another's life worse for something they can do nothing about. We do have to deal with problems that are affecting us without pointing sticks.

I have lived with a partner who had a serious depression, and the solution wasn't to confront the presumed problem characters but to take stock. It seems to have worked. We're still together.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

If the truth does more damage than good, I say keep it to yourself - or better yet, write it down in a long letter and keep it for years and years. When the day comes when your mother is no longer with us, leave the letter in her coffin.

Sorry if I'm being macabre.