Where do we go from here ?

[PredatorSmile]

Do you have a loved one who is going through something and they don't want your help ?


It could be anyone.



For me, it's both my older brother J. and my boyfriend Aaron.


My older brother J. has always been a cool, tough guy. He works as a fireman, and owns his own hardware store. He's single, and a good-looking guy. Lately, he just seems mad at the world and won't tell me why. I asked Marcy, the lone female firefighter at his Firehouse and let's just say, "mum's the word". Apparently, the two of them were a thing once and it didn't end well. J. says that's not the reason why he's sullen.



My boyfriend Aaron has changed as well. Lately, he's been angry. Very angry. He can't stand watching television. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to read his favorite comics when I buy them for him. He doesn't want to make love. He says he needs his space. He also thinks everyone in his life wants to betray him. Apparently, his parents split from one another. Don't know if they are separated or divorced yet.


Oh, and he got into a big argument with his coach at B-ball camp. THAT
never happened before. He tells me to stay away from him, that he can't be "fixed". He says he doesn't see the point anymore. He gets mad at me constantly, and tells me : " Go away, leave me alone. Go with your fancy degrees and your perfect life."


I've talked to Aaron's guy friends and they dont see what the issue is. He did well in school this semester. He's still co-captain of his B-ball team.
He's in excellent health. And he's got ME.


I got ZERO idea what to do. My father is in vacation with his new lady friend in Ontario, Canada and at the moment, they're both unreachable.


Why is everything going to hell ?

 

[OlderBiMan]

Do you have a loved one who is going through something and they don't want your help ?


It could be anyone.



For me, it's both my older brother J. and my boyfriend Aaron.


My older brother J. has always been a cool, tough guy. He works as a fireman, and owns his own hardware store. He's single, and a good-looking guy. Lately, he just seems mad at the world and won't tell me why. I asked Marcy, the lone female firefighter at his Firehouse and let's just say, "mum's the word". Apparently, the two of them were a thing once and it didn't end well. J. says that's not the reason why he's sullen.



My boyfriend Aaron has changed as well. Lately, he's been angry. Very angry. He can't stand watching television. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to read his favorite comics when I buy them for him. He doesn't want to make love. He says he needs his space. He also thinks everyone in his life wants to betray him. Apparently, his parents split from one another. Don't know if they are separated or divorced yet.


Oh, and he got into a big argument with his coach at B-ball camp. THAT
never happened before. He tells me to stay away from him, that he can't be "fixed". He says he doesn't see the point anymore. He gets mad at me constantly, and tells me : " Go away, leave me alone. Go with your fancy degrees and your perfect life."


I've talked to Aaron's guy friends and they dont see what the issue is. He did well in school this semester. He's still co-captain of his B-ball team.
He's in excellent health. And he's got ME.


I got ZERO idea what to do. My father is in vacation with his new lady friend in Ontario, Canada and at the moment, they're both unreachable.


Why is everything going to hell ?

Weather the storm, PS. You always struck me as a girl with a good head on her shoulders. Take care of yourself and yours. Look at it this way, since your dad's gone, you're "manning the house". Help your brother and boyfriend but understand men sometimes need space. This too shall pass.
Cheers, OBM.

 

[RawHumor]

As much as is made about women's hormones by men (jokes about PMS, etc.), men can be equally as hormonal, if not moreso.

It's possible that your bf just needs some alone time to get his head on straight. Hopefully he won't do anything self-destructive in that time. And hopefully, for the two of you, he won't say anything that he doesn't really mean and that you both end up regretting.

Some people, when they're down or sick or whatever, want to be pampered and babied. Others, such as myself, prefer just to go off on their own and sort things out for themselves. It could be as simple as that.

 

[SweetErika]

Could your bf be depressed? That wouldn't surprise me, given many of his behaviors.

Given this information, I'd leave Aaron alone (it sounds like your bro just needs a little time). Either he'll realize he's handled this and treated you poorly and come back with apologies, or he'll go his own way. Be available, but don't pursue; in what I'm guessing is his state of mind, doing so could be disasterous, I think. If he wanted to talk/be found, he'd let you know.

I'm sorry you're hurting, PS.

 

[PredatorSmile]

Could your bf be depressed? That wouldn't surprise me, given many of his behaviors.

Given this information, I'd leave Aaron alone (it sounds like your bro just needs a little time). Either he'll realize he's handled this and treated you poorly and come back with apologies, or he'll go his own way. Be available, but don't pursue; in what I'm guessing is his state of mind, doing so could be disasterous, I think. If he wanted to talk/be found, he'd let you know.

I'm sorry you're hurting, PS.

He came home last night. Didn't say anything. Just hugged me. I was mad as hell. And worried. He said he talked to his dad late yesterday afternoon. His parents separation had nothing to do with him. It was a long time coming. We just talked and talked. He cried. I didn't. I was relieved to see him, and still angry because he took off for two days with zero explanation and turned his cellphone off. I don't know where we are headed.


I was looking at pictures of the Brighton ( near Boston) apartment which was the one we're supposed to move in sometime around the 10th of August. Will we move in ? Can we pull this together ? I dont know.
He needs to cope with his parents marriage ending. I don't really get how a divorce can rattle someone. It's not insensitivity, it's just my personal circumstances. I was raised by a single father along with my brothers. Having a single parent was the norm for me. I could never lose my dad, except to death. No other force could take him away from me.


Many people in my life, both online and my friends, have told me that I mention Aaron excessively and that I'm always worrying about him, trying to
figure him out. One of my gay pals asked me jokingly : " Are you his girlfriend or his big sister ? You're always rescuing him !"


That cut to the bone, though I smiled and shrugged at the time. Now, I've been thinking about it more and more. I'm 23. I just graduated college with a Bachelors degree in business. I'm drownin in student loan payments that I've got less than a full year to start paying back. I'm finding out that so many Joes and Janes out there have B.A.s in business that you need an MBA to go corporate.



So, I'm looking for an MBA program at a school that won't rob me blind while I'm looking for work to support myself. I'm a grown woman. Aaron is 21. He is a CJ student and has 1 year of college left, before heading to the police academy. He's a B-ball player. He still hangs out with his buddies from high school, half of which go to the same college he does. I love this boy to death. But he is a boy. No, I'm not being a bitch. Sorry if I come off as one.


He's got two settings : Angry and non-communicative/withdrawn and carefree prankster. Ideally, I want to live with him. I want to grow old with him. I want to have his kids. I'm beginning to think that he might not
be ready for all that.



Yeah, the circumstances of the past two days are rough on Aaron. Any man or woman, no matter how mature and successful, would be rattled if their parents 20-year marriage fell apart, seemingly without warning. However, taking off and disappearing, letting your significant other worry themselves sick is not exactly nice, either. A simple phone call, or an email would clarify so much.


I've got some serious thinking to do, about a lot of things.

 

[colostang]

Hang in there, things have been known to sort themselves out in the long run.

 

[katiebaby]

I don't know you from Adam girl, but I wouldn't move in with a guy going through this much turmoil in his life.

What I've learned about myself in the last few years is that I can only really take care of me. Other people go through things, and I will be supportive, but they have to find their own way. The best I can do for them is not lose myself in the process.

Let him find his way, and in the meantime, take care of you. Bottom line.

 

[Tymeless]

just remember when shit hits the fan most people don't deal with things logically talk with him communicate and be understanding he is probably sorry he is doing this to you but he is lost and needs to find his way until then he isn't gonna seem rational.

 

[rjp44]

I can feel for you PS. It's rough enough to be concerned with a good job, re-paying student loads, whether to get you MBA and along with it more debt. At the time you most need support, it doesn't seem to be there. One bit of advice I can give you that has worked for me.....Don't worry about things you can't change. You can't change the attitude of others, you can't change the job market, so just keep putting forth the effort that you do, and if things don't work out the way you want, you will at least know in your heart that you gave it your total effort. Peace, young lady

 

[silkybiblue]

stay strong PS!

Hang in there, be supportive to your bf, he needs you but probably will not admit it yet. His world just got turned upside down and he has no clue what to do. You have no background with this so just be a support and let him work through it. Listen to his rants and don't take things personally, as hard as that will be. He does sound a bit depressed but don't push for a counselor, a poorly timed suggestion could make it worse. Just be there and be patient. The hug you rec'd when he came home was exactly what you both needed. Yes he should have called but don't let it destroy your relationship.
As far as school - there are no inexpensive MBA programs anywhere but Boston has the best schools around. I live about an hour away & I know them well - go to the best school you can, a Master's degree is expensive but worth every penny. You are looking at the best in the world - Harvard, BU, BC, MIT, Northeastern. etc.... and those are just a few of the schools in Boston. Pick up the Boston Sunday Globe, it has the best "help wanted" section in New England. It does get better PS - honest! Boston is a great city - enjoy it !

 

[blackieone]

many times men think they need time alone to deal with issues,meaning that they need to concentrate on thing s and anything else-and ANYONE else-is seen as a distraction,or a source of other problems-and ,most of all,they can feel guilty about treating someone bad and that makes them even more angry.
Girls,instead, like to discuss about their problems,confront them with other people,or just talking about issues.Men prefer to be alone and concentrate on the problem to resolve it,especially if it causes internal turmoil.Further on,if they can't solve them,they look from advice-from other men.Advice given by a girl,can be misleaded as a sort of lack of faith in their ability,instead of seeing it like what it is,aka someone willing to listen and help,with no judgment.

From what you've said,some of the things i've written could be applied to your bf,but i'm only guessing.Also,i've tried to point out some things in a generic way,it does not apply to everybody,hope people doesn't misunderstand me .

I've behaved like this in the past,when i was young,then i've changed my habits,andd learned to understand my SO efforts to help me.

When you're willing to listen,girls are great teachers .

I've been on the other side,with a girl not willing to have any form of assistance,and the best way to deal with her was to not get in the way,and sending the message"i will not interefere,but i'm here if you need me".The most crucial aspect is to understand that it has nothing to do with the other person or their love for us,it's just their the way to deal with things.

After a while, they are more open-after seeing that their space wasn't invaded-to talk about things.That ,however,doesn't justify any kind of abusive behaviour or lack of respect.Something that can be pointed out a t any time and it has nothing to do with the issues they have...........but it's about education and respect.

PS, you can try to read this and see if it applies to your BF...........and when everything's ok-as i wish to you -discuss with you SO how he deals with issues...........and know him a little more.............and explain your point of wiew about the matter...........it's essential to try to not use any guilty tactic,from both parts,otherwise any kind of discussion becomes useless.
Hope that what i've written wasn't too boring.................good luck!

Blackie

 

[PredatorSmile]

many times men think they need time alone to deal with issues,meaning that they need to concentrate on thing s and anything else-and ANYONE else-is seen as a distraction,or a source of other problems-and ,most of all,they can feel guilty about treating someone bad and that makes them even more angry.
Girls,instead, like to discuss about their problems,confront them with other people,or just talking about issues.Men prefer to be alone and concentrate on the problem to resolve it,especially if it causes internal turmoil.Further on,if they can't solve them,they look from advice-from other men.Advice given by a girl,can be misleaded as a sort of lack of faith in their ability,instead of seeing it like what it is,aka someone willing to listen and help,with no judgment.

From what you've said,some of the things i've written could be applied to your bf,but i'm only guessing.Also,i've tried to point out some things in a generic way,it does not apply to everybody,hope people doesn't misunderstand me .

I've behaved like this in the past,when i was young,then i've changed my habits,andd learned to understand my SO efforts to help me.

When you're willing to listen,girls are great teachers .

I've been on the other side,with a girl not willing to have any form of assistance,and the best way to deal with her was to not get in the way,and sending the message"i will not interefere,but i'm here if you need me".The most crucial aspect is to understand that it has nothing to do with the other person or their love for us,it's just their the way to deal with things.

After a while, they are more open-after seeing that their space wasn't invaded-to talk about things.That ,however,doesn't justify any kind of abusive behaviour or lack of respect.Something that can be pointed out a t any time and it has nothing to do with the issues they have...........but it's about education and respect.

PS, you can try to read this and see if it applies to your BF...........and when everything's ok-as i wish to you -discuss with you SO how he deals with issues...........and know him a little more.............and explain your point of wiew about the matter...........it's essential to try to not use any guilty tactic,from both parts,otherwise any kind of discussion becomes useless.
Hope that what i've written wasn't too boring.................good luck!

Blackie

Thanks, Blackie. I'm just taking things a day at a time right now. The harsh summer sun is baking Boston these days. I'm getting one heck of a tan !

 

[blackieone]

you welcome ,i think that's the best attitude you can have

Now i wanna see the tan!

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[PredatorSmile]

Hi PS - I'm sorry all this seems to be happening at the same time. Some ramblings on your situation:

It's always seemed to me that women mature socially and mentally much earlier than men, and this is definitely the case at least until people reach their mid- to late-twenties. I still remember what a yahoo I was in college. It has always amazed me that women are willing to put up with men their age, or even younger.

The fact that you are seriously considering continuing your studies also tells me you are the kind of person who plans, who deliberates, who sets goals, and then follows through on them. I'm not saying that your bf isn't like that, but your description of him wouldn't indicate that he is obviously a long term planner... yet. This probably means you're likely going to have friction when it comes to decisions you have to make that affect you two in the long term. They're not necessarily insurmountable, however!

I'm not the angry silent type (well, not for longer than a few minutes at a time), so I won't pretend to understand why your bf has reacted this way to his parents' split. But the fact that he (finally) came to you and talked and cried shows that he isn't a lost cause!!!

As for what your friends may have said about whether you are his big sister or his gf, meh... Long term relationships go through so many phases and the two people go through so many things together, there's no end to the number of roles you would adopt throughout your time together. When I'm sick, my wife babies me until I get on her nerves then she tells me to shape up. My wife is my friend, my lover, my protector, my protectee, my colleague... If someone focused on just one of those roles and tried to point it out, I'd maybe agree but say "Take another look in a month or two" because the role of the moment will have changed by then.

The one thing that would be nice is if your bf could try to ease out of the "disappear/turn phone off" thing.

Things will get better.

We're working things out, BiAsianGuy. We've come too far to just let it all fall apart. We've supported my being kicked out of the GLBT Alliance for loving him. We survived his confession of being bisexual. Most women would have flipped. I didn't. I embraced this side of him. It probably helps that I was bi myself, lol. We survived so many other crises. I'm not giving up without a fight and neither is he. I talked to my dad about it and he told me to weather the storm.

 

[rjp44]

Hang in there PS. Once there is a willingness to communicate, it's suprising what problems can be overcome. It's not always easy for any of us to become part of a couple. It's a learning process and I think you're doing great dealing with it.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Hope it works out for you, whatever the case. Chin up.

 

[glamorilla]

it doesnt sound like you want to turn your back on them.

if you don't know whats going on i think the best thing you can do is stand by the people in your life and take a more proactive stance if things continue or get worse.

it might come down to making some hard choices.

 

[bimori]

We're working things out, BiAsianGuy. We've come too far to just let it all fall apart. We've supported my being kicked out of the GLBT Alliance for loving him. We survived his confession of being bisexual. Most women would have flipped. I didn't. I embraced this side of him. It probably helps that I was bi myself, lol. We survived so many other crises. I'm not giving up without a fight and neither is he. I talked to my dad about it and he told me to weather the storm.

The best way to make a relationship stronger is to go over some bumps in the road . But if he hurts you in anyway I'm comeing to Boston to take him down love .

 

[silkybiblue]

You will look back years from now and this will be a bump in the road. You are still getting to know each other while figuring out what to do with your own lives, you have been through so much, this will not break a strong team.
The Boston weather on the other hand - it stays hot around here for another month so get to a beach - Cape, Horseneck.....

 

[PredatorSmile]

You will look back years from now and this will be a bump in the road. You are still getting to know each other while figuring out what to do with your own lives, you have been through so much, this will not break a strong team.
The Boston weather on the other hand - it stays hot around here for another month so get to a beach - Cape, Horseneck.....

Oh, we're still in the "makeup" process, lol. And we dont mind the heat. Neither of us leaves the house for long. This isn't going to break us up.
I think we're strong enough to withstand anything. My father came back and had a talk with my older brother. Aaron doesn't mention his parents separation and I know better than to ask. We deal with different things in our own ways.

 

[mediumtesticle]

Where do we go from here ?

Hello PS;

My you're such a beautiful woman!

With regards to your college loans, you should have ten years to pay them back, starting from the date of graduation. Also, if you have many different loans, the college can help direct you with "loan consolidation". The interest rate should be much smaller than the loans you currently have.

You mention "corporate" and a masters degree. I would get a job with a corporate company and use their "tuition reimbursement" program to get your masters degree for free or at the least a much smaller tuition. Some companies pay 100% of the tuition and others only pay 50%.

I'm semi retired and I have worked long and hard at corporate. A bachelors degree in business or administration are a dime a dozen. You need to obtain a masters degree in something you can take with you. Some kind of certification. I say this because many companies are laying off and outsourcing most jobs overseas.

My son chose the medical field and is receiving his training through the military. You don't always need a degree to be an MRI technician. You just need the certification. What about law school? You skip the masters program and go straight into doctoral studies in law. At graduation you are an attorney.

You are a wonderful person, from what I have read, you are a little like me in that I always try to fix things with people or with my partner in our relationship. Some people enjoy that, others don't. In a relationship, I would not accept a two day absence without any kind of communication of where they are at or are going to be. Perhaps I am old fashion. Also, the silence tells me he may not be as close as you would like him to be in your relationship. When two come together they should grow together and be willing to talk and share what is bothering them without running off.

Lastly, divorce hurts no matter what time or age when it happens. The siblings suffer greatly. I know, I was one.

One of your fans

 

[Mazinger]

Oh, we're still in the "makeup" process, lol. And we dont mind the heat. Neither of us leaves the house for long. This isn't going to break us up.
I think we're strong enough to withstand anything. My father came back and had a talk with my older brother. Aaron doesn't mention his parents separation and I know better than to ask. We deal with different things in our own ways.

Hang in there PredatorSmile.

You love him, and that's your greatest asset.

Maz.

 

[Noor]

This is granted a woman's view, but one who understands what Blackie is saying on a very personal level.

From my experience you can be supportive, but distance yourself, because a man who thinks it is okay to do the disappearing act can't be trusted with your heart in the long run. Disappearing in times of stress is a callous form of self-centeredness that only they can change when they feel strongly enough about something or someone to change it. Unfortunately that is not your relationship at this point.

I would not move in with him, I would separate myself as much as I could, be supportive if you wish but from a distance. I have found when guys say they can't be fixed or they are too damaged, they are usually not worth being involved with while they feel that way.

You can be completely understanding and supportive, but guys in this state of mind won't appreciate it, or thank you for it. When they do feel better it won't probably be you who shares the better days. I suspect it is because they will associate you with these bad times, without consider that you were there for them and tried to help make the bad times better. Or maybe they do realize you were there for them and they feel guilty or indebted about it, either way they won't want you around. Its kind of like guys whose wives support them through grad or med school, who then replace them when the money starts rolling in.

Divorce of parents shatters people because it changes how they view their world. Your parents, however flawed, are your foundation.

Bad times are an acid test for relationships people either face them together and become stronger, or take it out on each other and weaken their relationship.

I know separating will be hard, but I think your relationships has a much better chance in the long run if you do it now. This will give him a chance to work through his issues. Realize that some men never do work through them, but its better to know that now instead of years later.

I forgot to mention:
This is not to do with you or your relationship skills, it has to do with how he deals with or chooses to deals with serious problems. You are an innocent bystander. Its kind of like dating a guy on the rebound, its all about him and his feelings.

 

[OlderBiMan]

Ah, how I miss those halcyon days. where has that sweet young lady gone ?