Where do I start?

[BarrysSlut]

I am no longer owned by anyone. I got into my last relationship completely by accident. I have been "available" for quite some time now and am looking for someone I can serve. However, I was never really a submissive. I wanted to be, but the man I was serving wasn't into the lifestyle. I tried to explain it to him, but he would just raise his eyebrows and look at me like I was crazy. In the meantime, he would order me around and I would do his bidding. He'd withhold sex from me. He would not contact me for days and days only to call and ask me to go into the city to a concert. I was completely at his mercy and loved it.

So, what I want is to completely experience a submissive role. I'm married, though, and am in the beginnings of a divorce. I don't know how to find a Dominant that I can trust. I don't want to bring him into my home, which I'm still sharing with my husband. I just don't know what to do. How do I find a true dominant that I can trust? How do I go about this? I'm scared, but I know I MUST live as a submissive, no role-playing bullshit that I too-often see on the internet. I want and need the real thing. But, I don't want to find myself trapped with a Dom who is abusive and could do me harm. How do I avoid that?

Help me, please.

 

[chris9]

First things first, in my opinion. So get your divorce out of the way, get your own apartment/house/place to live, so you are independent from your husband.
Then you can either start looking at online-meeting-places (collarme seems to be good, but there are others around) or attend to munches of a local group (maybe someone can give you a link where those are listed, I don't know) or both.
As to safety: Don't get over-anxious. Finding a partner is always difficult, and rushing to have a master will put you in a dangerous position.
When you found one, there are the basic safety precautions to take: Meet in a public place, tell friends/family where you are going, safety calls... And don't let anybody tie you up before you know them well enough and trust them.

 

[TaintedB]

Great advice, Chris, especially the part about starting _after_ the divorce. If you give into your needs and mess around before the divorce is finalized, it may adversely affect your settlement (and this is something you especially do not want to do if you have children you will be primarily responsible for--as it will really hurt them as well as you). One variation of bdsm horror story I hear a lot of online is the one where the wife and mother did the bdsm before she divorced her husband and he found all the evidence on their PC and used it in court not only to screw her in the divorce but also to take the kids away from her (she gets designated as an unfit parent). So be very careful, take it slow until you are a free woman, and learn how to wipe your electronic tracks _completely_ and use password protection for your activities, if you don't already know how.

Then come back here when you're a free woman and we'll tell you all about how to find people.

Why did you break up with the first dom, the one who wouldn't admit to being a dom?

 

[Andante]

If you give into your needs and mess around before the divorce is finalized, it may adversely affect your settlement (and this is something you especially do not want to do if you have children you will be primarily responsible for--as it will really hurt them as well as you). One variation of bdsm horror story I hear a lot of online is the one where the wife and mother did the bdsm before she divorced her husband and he found all the evidence on their PC and used it in court not only to screw her in the divorce but also to take the kids away from her (she gets designated as an unfit parent).

I am just so glad that I live in a country where double standard morality doesn't rank above the law.....

 

[shy slave]

I am no longer owned by anyone. However, I was never really a submissive. I wanted to be, but the man I was serving wasn't into the lifestyle. I tried to explain it to him, but he would just raise his eyebrows and look at me like I was crazy. In the meantime, he would order me around and I would do his bidding. He'd withhold sex from me. He would not contact me for days and days only to call and ask me to go into the city to a concert. I was completely at his mercy and loved it.

He sounds like an egocentric bully, not a dom

But maybe I have mis-read it

 

[BarrysSlut]

Thank you for your replies. I have put some thought into the issue of my living in my husband's home. I realise living here is a mistake and have taken an apartment on which I've placed a deposit and signed a renter's agreement. I'll take possession in a couple of weeks.

I know now that I must leave my husband and file for seperation first, then move on with my life. I'm living in limbo and it's not fair to either myself or him.

 

[Alt]

Be patient. Be careful. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you put any Dom/Domme ahead of you from the start. Foundations and trusts must be established, and that takes time. At least you know who you are and what you want. No need to settle any more. Begin your "adventure" with confidence and you will find many more paths open up for you.

Good luck!

 

[ghosst_K&H]

Thank you for your replies. I have put some thought into the issue of my living in my husband's home. I realise living here is a mistake and have taken an apartment on which I've placed a deposit and signed a renter's agreement. I'll take possession in a couple of weeks.

I know now that I must leave my husband and file for seperation first, then move on with my life. I'm living in limbo and it's not fair to either myself or him.

May I ask why you're filing for seperation? most states only need a couple to live separately for 6 months before filing a no fault divorce. Filing for separation only adds legal fees, and time to the process.

 

[Rubyb]

I am no longer owned by anyone.
...
He'd withhold sex from me. He would not contact me for days and days only to call and ask me to go into the city to a concert. I was completely at his mercy and loved it.
...
Help me, please.

While you in the Limbo you mentioned in the last post, I suggest you take some time to think about what you've written, what your seeking and what you really want.

Use forums like this to read and research, talk to submissive and doms, find out if living in a d/s relationship is what you want. You might also look into what we would call a healthy versus unhealthy d/s relationship.

It sounds to me like your former partner treated you with little regards to your own needs. Just because you are a submissive doesn't mean your needs, wants or desires shouldn't be met. Your gift of submission to the right partner is something to be treasured. As are you.

To your success,

Ruby

 

[Etoile]

*applauds Ruby*

 

[Jay Davis]

My first bit of advice would be to echo that offered by almost every poster thus far...don't even TRY to bring D/s into your real life until your divorce and settlement are completely finalized. In fact, don't even date. During my own divorce in the early 90s (one of those early-20s trial starter marriages ), I was advised by the man who handled my insurance and what little investments I had at the time to "live like a monk" until the divorce was final. I did just that, and am glad I did, despite the fact that our divorce was as simple and amicable is it is possible for one to be.

The other advice I'd offer you isn't really advice so much as commiseration, and regards the relationship with the arrogant and indifferent partner you describe in the first paragraph. I've had this exact relationship a couple of times, before I really understood what D/s was, or that I was submissive. I would respond to self-centered, difficult women because their behavior challenged me in a way that pressed my submissive buttons. Ultimately, these were unhealthy relationships, and they usually ended badly and with me feeling unjustified guilt. If "real" submission is really for you, take this time during your divorce as a hiaitus to get to know yourself better, and to learn to tell the difference between an asshole and a Dominant. The two couldn't be more different.

A true submissive is the perfect complement for a true Dominant, but she or he can never satisfy a self-centered jackass or bitch. Those kinds of people--users--interpret the submissive's natural behavior as weakness and acquiesence, not as service offered from a basis of personal strength. A true Dominant appreciates the sub's sacrifices as a sign of strength and devotion, and the Dominant's respect for the sub grows as those sacrifices and services become greater. Just the opposite is true for the vanilla user--the user's respect for the sub, shaky to begin with, only diminishes thru time and further service.

So, bottom line--take this time to prepare yourself for the next phase of your life, but don't rush into it. Make sure everything from your old life is completely resolved, and that you are truly ready for the next step, before you take it. No matter how old you are, you have all the time in the world, so take as much as you need!

 

[snowy ciara]

*applauds Ruby*

Yup. Ruby should post more often, I think...

B's slut; I don't have any really good advice except to take your time and be careful. There are several threads (I think mostly in the Cafe) about user sort of Dom/mes. Several of them were started in jest, but there's lots of wisdom around the giggles. Sad to say, there are con artists out there.