Where Did I Go Wrong?

[sr71plt]

Speaking of paragraphing. Your posts would be a lot more readable if you put in an extra line space between paragraphs. Just saying, since you are on a similar point.

 

[Bramblethorn]

With the exception of sentence 5, every one of these sentences has the same cadence. Sure, sometimes there's more syllables before the pause, sometimes more after, but there's always a statement, a pause, and another statement.

Thanks, this was nagging at me but I couldn't put my finger on it.

So, I shouldn't write in first person? Or I'm not doing a good enough job at it?

I think I am having trouble figuring out what it is relevant. I want to put the reader in the room, and I guess I've been doing that by describing the little details (like what the hotel room looks like or whatever) but I suppose that's not the way to go about it?

This is tricky, and I don't think there are any cut-and-dried rules about it.

Speaking only for myself: I am not a visual reader. If you give me a detailed description of a room, I'm not going to have a photo image in my head, and I don't need one to enjoy the story. (Unless it's one of those detective stories that rely on the detective figuring out that Mr. Arbuthnot's window has a line of sight to Mrs. Coldbody's boudoir, in which case I'm almost guaranteed to miss that.)

For me, the main value of physical description is in advancing the story in some way. That could be supporting the plot, but it could also be used for other aspects of storytelling - timing, mood, themes, characters. For instance, if I tell you that Phoebe's father lives in a great big mansion with statues on the lawn and she lives in a cramped granny-flat in another city, that gives some clues about how they relate to one another.

If I was writing your story, I'd be thinking about how I'm using that room. If it's just a place for my characters to have fun sex, it doesn't need a lot of description beyond the bits that directly relate to that story: the couch somebody is going to shag on, the chandelier they're going to hang from, that sort of thing.

On the other hand, it could be used for characterisation - e.g. have a character rent a very expensive room as a way of suggesting how rich she is. In that case I'd emphasise the aspects that support that: the doorman who gives other characters a snotty look, the expensive decor, etc etc.

In this case, what I read felt like description for the sake of description. I think other readers may appreciate that a bit more than I do, but it might still be something to think about.

 

[Dream_Operator]

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[WifeWatchman]

I agree with some of the others. If you look, you can see where you can break some of those long paragraphs into shorter ones. It'll make reading them easier.

As to the content, all I can suggest is to just let it flow from your mind to your fingers to the screen....

 

[lovecraft68]

I agree with some of the others. If you look, you can see where you can break some of those long paragraphs into shorter ones. It'll make reading them easier.

As to the content, all I can suggest is to just let it flow from your mind to your fingers to the screen....

Yup, just let it fly and fix it later.

 

[sethp]

You need to remember that votes, comments and scores can be skewed. A few of my best written stories are low on all counts. Some of my worsterer writtened stories are hot and have dozens of positive comments. Lol

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You need to remember that votes, comments and scores can be skewed. A few of my best written stories are low on all counts. Some of my worsterer writtened stories are hot and have dozens of positive comments. Lol

I find that incredible.

 

[lovecraft68]

I find that incredible.

Literotica where the worstest becomes the bestest!

 

[thilltell]

First I have to admit I have not been reading this series. I went back and looked at the first post to determine what it was that turned me off the series.

I did not want to spend time reading about a young model recount all her satisfying sexual encounters while talking about a current stable relationship that was under the curve in the sex department. Saw the typical angst of youth vs maturity but no vehicle for growth.

In CH. 05, I did not like the total disrespect to Boyd. Made me feel that all she was needing was a sugar daddy sub. If I had been reading the series I would have scored it low as well. I noticed CH. 02 had a low score, you may want to see if there is anything common between the two.

So my opinion is that the low score is due to current activities in your story line rather than your writing style or skills.

THillTell

 

[TotalKnockout]

Hey there,

I think you got some pretty thoughtful advice on the whole, and I agree that first person perspectives are totally fine, and can in fact serve to make the story very hot. I pretty much only write erotica in the first person because I like my main character to be able to narrate the story with his/her own perspective and opinions and senses. So with that in mind, I wanted to show you an example of where you could use this style more to your advantage.

Here is a paragraph from your story:

He didn't stop with my feet, he also went up my calves a little bit like the lady that did my pedicures. I was glad I had decided to shave my legs that night instead of skipping it to save time. He made his way back down to my feet and wiped away the excess lotion with the towel, then gave each toe a light little kiss. He put the towel in the floor and separated my feet, spreading my legs a little. He sat up on his knees until his head was about level with my breasts. He reached up and caressed them very gently while looking into my eyes. He pulled up my shirt a little bit and touched my belly. "You have such a beautiful body." He said. Then he took off my top. "Has anyone ever told you what beautiful feet you have?"

Right off the bat, the first two sentences were a bit of a turn-off because you brought mundane details into them that intruded on the intimacy of the moment. For example, comparing Chad to "the lady that did my pedicures" sort of un-sexes him and brings a woman into the action who doesn't belong there. Now if you wanted to say something like, "expertly massaging my calves" it might tell us something about him as a character... is this a guy who loves feet so much he studied how to give a professional pedicure? Cause that might be interesting. The same goes for the detail about almost not shaving your legs: it introduces a kind of unsexy element that is unnecessary because it didn't happen. You want to concentrate on what it does feel like, "I was glad I shaved my legs earlier because I could feel every movement of his fingers on my smooth sensitive skin." You get the idea.

The description of what Chad does to Harmony here is very technical and limited to very simple actions: he gave each toe a light kiss, he caressed my breasts, he looked into my eyes, he touched my belly, he took off my top... etc. You're missing SO MANY opportunities to describe what's happening here. Use all of your senses. What do you notice? What were the sensations you felt having your toes kissed? Think about temperature, texture, scent, speed, rhythm, wet vs. dry, etc. What did you feel as a result of the action? One of the best advantages of writing in the first person is we get to live vicariously through you. To say "he touched my belly" can be a bit of a turn-off because I imagine how I would feel if a man just "touched my belly"... it might be a little strange. But if he "gently brushed his warm fingertips over the smooth skin of my belly, sending shivers down my spine," I start to imagine what it felt like and enjoy picturing the scene more.

Ditto for "Then took off my top"... Here, something that could be a very exciting, sensual event feels formal, rushed, and vague. How some one does something tells you so much about the character. There's a world of difference between "I lifted my arms as he slowly slid my silk camisole over my head and dropped it on the floor" and "He tore the delicate fabric of my top with his bare hands, ripping it open and exposing my naked breasts with an animalistic grunt." Obviously, I'm just making these up, but you get the sense that the man in the first sentence is very different from the man in the second sentence, or wants something very different. I didn't really learn anything about Chad from your sentence. Also, it's worth noting that the placement of that sentence in that paragraph makes it seem like irrelevant information, since right after he takes off her top he compliments her feet. If this guy is a foot lover and is enamored by her toes, keep him focused on her toes. You have plenty of time/opportunity for them to undress when it becomes truly necessary and it's going to progress the action. I think that's what contributes to the sense of your story having "irrelevant details." It's really all about the order in which you tell the story and how each detail moves the story forward. You could spend an entire paragraph describing removing her top if it serves to increase the arousal of the characters, or the intimacy of their relationship.

Hope that helps!

TKO

 

[joelafayette]

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