Whenever we meet...

[~Dream~]

Clich'e sounding or not this poem comes from my heart and I'd really just appreciate honest feedback to improve it ,esp from wicked,Judo,senna,or Karma as I RESPECT YOU ALL HIGHLY...

Whenever we meet
Whenever we meet
I'll tremble inside,
like a branch on a tree,weakened from a storm
the thought of His touch,His kiss
His lips on mine

I now know His voice
It takes my breath away
I look forward to meeting Him
each and every single day

Breathless anticipation
Beads of sweat on my skin
I never knew that I...
Would be so touched by love..

 

[Rybka]

Feedback as Requested

Whenever we meet
Whenever we meet

Why repeat the first line?
If you want to rhyme just
change a "meet" to "greet".

I'll tremble inside,
like a branch on a tree, weakened from a storm
the thought of His touch, His kiss
His lips on mine

Branches do not tremble inside, but a weakened
trunk might.

I now know His voice
It takes my breath away
I look forward to meeting Him
each and every single day

Why "now know" instead of
"know now"?

Why go for the rhyme when you
don't use it anywhere else?

Why use caps for your lover?
Usually when that is done then
the first person will be lower
case, as in a Dom/sub relationship.

Breathless anticipation
Beads of sweat on my skin
I never knew that I...
Would be so touched by love..

All in all I liked it as an offering to a lover. It may not be
GREAT poetry, but I would appreciate receiving it from
the one I value most.

Regards, Rybka

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Feedback as Requested

Whenever we meet
Whenever we meet

Why repeat the first line?
If you want to rhyme just
change a "meet" to "greet".

My instant reaction was:

Why repeat the first line? If you want to rhyme just change 2nd "Whenever" to "Wherever":

            Whenever we meet
            Wherever we meet

Then, with the mood of the poem going down the drain, U may use     whomever     whatever,     then make some more up and turn your poem into a front rhyming form with special patterns in parallel to the end rhymes of the classical forms.

Regards,

 

[karmadog]

I think you need to focus on what is different about your realtionship to the others that might have happened in your life. Trembling is not new. Breathless anticipation is so stale, poetically, that it shouldn't even be mentioned. I'm sure that it feels new, and I'm sure that, in a way, it is new. But you need to show us how it's new. When you try for a simile, don't write the first thing you think of. Tree limbs in a storm are done to death. I could think of things to suggest, but that wouldn't help you.

Clearly, the feeling is there, and that might be your problem. It's really hard to write about raw emotion. Generally, as a writer, it is easier to write about things you have distance from.

BTW, I am incredibly flattered to have your respect. Thank you, even though I can't imagine how I might have earned it.

 

[Senna Jawa]

BTW, I am incredibly flattered to have your respect. Thank you, even though I can't imagine how I might have earned it.

Oh, she was joking (at least in my case). I like her sense of humor. She should use it in her poetry. Let me try myself:

    how i love this funker
    when s/he's not around

 

[Senna Jawa]

Oh, she was joking (at least in my case). I like her sense of humor. She should use it in her poetry. Let me try myself:

    how i love this funker
    when s/he's not around

Here we go:


            an ode to daffodil
            ------------------------------

            cruelly misunderstood daffodil
            so gentle so fragile so special
            the delicate delicate daffodil
            has no fuckin' sense of humor


                        Wlodzimierz Holsztynski ©
                              1996-02-10/11


Regards,

 

[WickedEve]

dream

Why don't you just concentrate on one part of your poem. I know hearing his voice for the first time was something you were excited about. Try a short poem about the first time you spoke with him.
I know! Let's play taboo. Once in a while we have taboo challenges. I'll give you a list of words that you cannot use in your poem. This will force you to be more creative.

No-no words:
desire, desirable
lust, lustful
passion, passionate
tremble
love
bliss, blissful
storm, thunder, lightening
(all tree parts)
breathless
lips
kiss
fire
burn, burning
flame
wet

If you need to express any of these words, then find some other way to say that word!