When you or your Dom/me or sub are married

[Cirrus]

I know there are those here that are married and playing, and those people who are single and playing with married people. I speak from experience because my ex was married.

He and I were a secret from his wife, and even though I know some are open about relationships outside marriage, others aren't. This question is more for those having secret relationships, but anyone can answer.

My ex and I never really had too many problems seeing each other. They "whys" aren't important, but then again, there were times we couldn't get together that I really wanted to be with him, and I felt empty and alone.

What I was wondering, is how others deal with those times. In retrospect, I think that was our ultimate demise...once the "thrill" of something illicit wore off, there wasn't anything left but a friendship.

If you're married and desire to stay married, how do you give as much "equal time" to your spouse and lover as possible? If you're single seeing someone married, how do you deal with only having the person you love half way?

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, i'm in a similar situation. He's unmarried, and other details are unimportant except to say there is another woman involved. while he is not in any kind of sexual relationship (or emotional for that matter) He does live with her and she does love Him. this makes it akward for me to be around her and i just hate it. it also drives her mad having to chit chat with the girl her roomate is sleeping with. so i just avoid her all together. since they live together, i can only see Him when she's at work. five o'clock every day i have to leave, and i can't see Him on thursdays or sundays. this is very hard. i wish i could have the freedom to be with Him all the time, or spend the night with Him. true, we've gotten hotel rooms from time to time, so i have had the opportunity to lie in His arms as we drift off to sleep, but this is always in the middle of the day. so while i guess my situation isn't the same as an adulterous one, it does have many of the same problems. i deal with the fact that our relationship isn't as perfect as i want it to be by focusing on the joy He brings me. when i lie alone at night, imagining Him with me, i just smile because i know i'll see Him soon, if not as soon as i'd like. i guess i just accept that i can't have everything i want, and i'm so very grateful to have what i do.

so, ok, long story short, the good makes the bad easier to handle. i'm just so happy to have any part of Him, to be in any type of relationship with Him, and so i can ignore the times He can't be with me because there are so many other things to think about.

 

[artful]

Just a few words,...

...to remind us all. An adulterous,...or otherwise deceiptful relationship,...NEVER works out in the long run.

 

[Guest]

I knew someone would come in here and make a negative comment to this. Ignore him.. Cirrus and Bunny.. he must live in a glass house...

 

[Cirrus]

Yeah, I figured there'd be a few negatives too. All married people who see others aren't jackasses. There are a miriad of circumstances that figure into things.

My ex, for example, was married only on paper. His wife has considerable health problems, most of them quite treatable, that she refuses help for. He tried his damndest to get her out of the house...to go grocery shopping, walking the dog, anything, and she refuses. The times she has gone for help, were just to passify him and not really an effort to recover. There comes a point where you have to give up, not because you want to, but because the other person is forcing you to give up.

Due to these problems, there's no sex, there's no spark...nothing. They merely live together. He does still love her in a way, though, and stays with her for a few reasons. The first being he promised her he would never leave her. Though he sees other people, he still supports her and does what he can to provide for her and see to her well being. He keeps his extramarital affairs secret because he sees no reason to hurt her. She's been good to him, and despite her problems, she is what she is and he doesn't want to "fault" her for that. He also stays because they have 3 children. All are grown, the youngest is 22 and in college, but their opinion of him matters to him. Finally, at 55 years old, why leave? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to try to start over at that age.

So if he's seeing someone else, what REALLY is the harm? If his wife is satisfied emotionally and financially, and he's with someone who makes him happy...someone he cares for that also cares for him, someone that desires him, what's wrong with it? No one gets hurt needlessly (yes, it hurt when we broke up, but it's hurt when I've broken up with single guys as well...it's painful when any relationship ends). Putting aside what society tells us, if everyone's as happy as they can be, I don't see any problems.

 

[HzDomme]

I knew someone would come in here and make a negative comment to this. Ignore him.. Cirrus and Bunny.. he must live in a glass house...

The above was said in reply to artfuls post of:

Just a few words,...
...to remind us all. An adulterous,...or otherwise deceiptful relationship,...NEVER works out in the long run.

I have to agree with artful. When you have to hide a relationship there is very little chance that it can work out. It feels great when you are together and horrible when you are apart.

I also don't think it has anything to do with living in a glass house. We all make mistakes, we live with our mistakes.

I don't know of a single person who has come out of a hidden relationship and felt it was a good experience.

 

[Cirrus]

I don't know of a single person who has come out of a hidden relationship and felt it was a good experience.

Hi, I'm Cirrus...nice to meet you. Two of the best relationships I've ever been in were with men who were married. And I can say, in all honesty, I felt they both were very positive experiences for both of us.

 

[HzDomme]

Yeah, I figured there'd be a few negatives too. All married people who see others aren't jackasses. There are a miriad of circumstances that figure into things.

True.

My ex, for example, was married only on paper. His wife has considerable health problems, most of them quite treatable, that she refuses help for. He tried his damndest to get her out of the house...to go grocery shopping, walking the dog, anything, and she refuses. The times she has gone for help, were just to passify him and not really an effort to recover. There comes a point where you have to give up, not because you want to, but because the other person is forcing you to give up.

Due to these problems, there's no sex, there's no spark...nothing. They merely live together. He does still love her in a way, though, and stays with her for a few reasons. The first being he promised her he would never leave her. Though he sees other people, he still supports her and does what he can to provide for her and see to her well being. He keeps his extramarital affairs secret because he sees no reason to hurt her. She's been good to him, and despite her problems, she is what she is and he doesn't want to "fault" her for that. He also stays because they have 3 children. All are grown, the youngest is 22 and in college, but their opinion of him matters to him. Finally, at 55 years old, why leave? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to try to start over at that age.

55 is hardly the end of life. My in-laws found each other at that age and are still happy together after 20+ years. And what would the kids opinion be if they found out? Don't you think they know what their mother is like and that their dad could find happiness without her?

So if he's seeing someone else, what REALLY is the harm?

Maybe no harm now , but what happens if his wife finds out?


If his wife is satisfied emotionally and financially, and he's with someone who makes him happy...someone he cares for that also cares for him, someone that desires him, what's wrong with it? No one gets hurt needlessly (yes, it hurt when we broke up, but it's hurt when I've broken up with single guys as well...it's painful when any relationship ends). Putting aside what society tells us, if everyone's as happy as they can be, I don't see any problems.

I agree it would be wonderful to reject what "society" says, but we all live in society and we have to deal with the collective concious, there is just no way around that.

I respect your opinion Cirrus but I disagree that no one gets hurt in secret relationships. Once they are known about they tend to hurt, even if many years have past.

 

[HzDomme]

Hi, I'm Cirrus...nice to meet you. Two of the best relationships I've ever been in were with men who were married. And I can say, in all honesty, I felt they both were very positive experiences for both of us.

Sorry, Cirrus, it looks like we cross posted. {and I don't know how to do the quote thing quite right}

I can see how they could be good for you as a single person but was there no hurt for the spouse or children of the men you had relationships with?

If they were honest with their wives I'd have no problem agreeing with you but men who lie to their wife will usually lie to you too.

 

[artful]

I agree with,...

Sorry, Cirrus, it looks like we cross posted. {and I don't know how to do the quote thing quite right}

I can see how they could be good for you as a single person but was there no hurt for the spouse or children of the men you had relationships with?

If they were honest with their wives I'd have no problem agreeing with you but men who lie to their wife will usually lie to you too.

...what you have posted. Maybe I wasn't *clear* with my original post. I see nothing wrong with married people having sex outside their marriage.
With consent and approval of their chosen spouse.

The problem is in DECEIPTFULNESS. Though a short term *fling* may seem to be *fun*,...may seem to be ok,...it will never work in a long term relationship.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, i guess i feel the need to clarify myself to you people. i'm not sure why i suddenly feel defensive, but i just wanted to say that i'm not doing anything decietful. i'm not going to knock anybody else's situation, i just wanted to say for the record that i'm not hiding anything, i just don't like being around the roomate, and she hates being around me. i know nobody really asked or even is concerned, but i guess i just felt i needed to set things straight. after all, i do plan on hanging around here, so you all might as well know my full story! ^_^

 

[sporty]

If you're single seeing someone married, how do you deal with only having the person you love half way?

Cirrus - I've been involved with a man who is married with 3 children, for 1 year and 2 months....It has been the happiest time in my life.......along with moments of despair and anxiety, and utter panic...the first 6 to 9 months were extremely rocky.

As our relationship develped and matured, i have learned to appreciate all the wonderful things we have and share together rather than focus on what we DON'T have. We share more happiness than many couples who are with each other full time.

I appreciate the love we create....and i have a secret place in my heart that i visit when we're with people who can NOT find out we're a couple.

I have learned to be content .

I know that inevitably the ending of the relationship will be devestating. Despite that , I would not trade this experience for anything..... But i've learned so much about my capacity to love someone and accept the love of someone else. .. I am experiencing what i believe to be , the love of my lifetime.

He is a good man that i've known well for over 10 years. I know for a fact that he has been nothing but faithful to his marriage, despite the apathy that existed between them..... Until a year and 1/2 ago we NEVER discussed the feelings that were simmering under the surface for years.

 

[Guest]

Re: Just a few words,...

...to remind us all. An adulterous,...or otherwise deceiptful relationship,...NEVER works out in the long run.

Amen.

 

[SexyChele]

Have to say from personal experience that I join Blessed Be in her "Amen" to Art's comments. It is indeed true...

 

[Peter2002]

The line between discretion and deceit

I've been married for ten years now and together with my wife for 15 years and I can't imagine life without her. She shares many of my tastes and interests, but I'm a more adventuresome soul and she knows that. Our agreement is simple. She knows that I sometimes see other women, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want to know the details (by that I mean time, place, frequency)... but she doesn't want to be deceived. If she asks, I tell. And from time to time she does ask very specific questions and I give very specific answers. Now I've been seeing someone I used to work with once or twice a month. She has a boyfriend and she wears the pants in that relationship. But I am in charge of ours. She like to be submissive to older men as much as she likes to dominate her peers. I guess -- no, I should say I know -- from her point of view it's the best of both worlds. There is a strong bittersweet quality invovled, which can be arousing. I view my ability to share my more dominent inclinations with another as something like a gift. But as fond as I am of my "friend" as my wife calls her, I know that it is only a matter of time before we part because if I'm any judge of people she and her beau will be getting married in the next year or so. So I enjoy things while they last and feel lucky to have something of a double life.

 

[Ishmael]

Let's be

perfectly clear folks.

Words mean something. You can't go around reinventing the language to suit your own particular situation.

A married person engaging in a sexual act outside of the marriage bed is commiting adultry. Period. No if, ands, or buts. This is true even if the spouse knows or not.

Anyone engaged in a sexual realtionship with a married person is engaged in 'coveting'. Period. No if, ands, or buts.

There may be a myriad of reasons for this activity. 99% of which fall in the category of excuses and rationalizations in those cases where deceit plays a hand. In open marriages the reasons are different.

But you cannot change the meaning of the words to fit your whims. They are what they are. They are precise. They mean something.

I remember when everyone got honest and started calling marijuanna, dope. I don't remember there being anything particularly judgmental about it. So there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade.

If you have a problem having what you do being called for what it is, then I suggest that you are carrying around some guilt and should re-evaluate the situation. Because the words and their meaning just aren't going to change.

Ishmael

 

[Guest]

Well said, Ishmael. I've noticed how "offended" some cheaters get if you don't "agree" with their views.

 

[WriterDom]

Why is cheating with an animal different than cheating with a person?

 

[Cirrus]

WriterDom, I don't think it is.

Anyway, who got offended? Yes, I've slept with a few married men. Yes, they were committing adultery. Yes, adultery is the act of having sex outside of marriage. But my VIEW on adultery is, like most things in life, it isn't always black and white, right and wrong.

Now, the guy who gets pissed off at his wife, goies out to a bar, picks up some dippy coed and fucks her brains out, never to speak to her again, is an asshole in my book. He has committed adultery.

But a man stuck in a bad situation, torn with his emotions, who finds someone who makes him feel alive again and persues a relationship with that person, I don't think is doing anything morally all that wrong. Yes, the situation could be better, but sometimes we work with what we have. But, on the same note, that man has also committed adultery.

It's your or my views on the issue, not the word itself.

 

[SensitiveSuccubus]

Hmmm.

What about a married couple both serving as Dom(me) to one sub? If they are sexual with their sub, is that something they can agree to by their own standards, or is that wrong as well? Do they have to set up ground rules or is trust sufficient such that they can do as they please even if the spouse isn't around?

This does not take into account the "two many cooks spoil the broth" situation of two doms one sub, that isn't the current issue. This is merely a question of married couples sharing dominant responsibilities.

 

[Guest]

Why is cheating with an animal different than cheating with a person?

To quote Ishmael...

A married person engaging in a sexual act outside of the marriage bed is commiting adultry. Period. No if, ands, or buts. This is true even if the spouse knows or not.

I am not married. Nor have I ever been married when I have engaged in bestiality.

 

[MissTaken]

Married couples who have discussed and have given consent to one another to pursue outside interests are then, in an open marriage.

While I don't consider it adultery, I would suggest that consentual sex between a married a couple and a Domme is also not adultery.

Nevermind the rest of what i was going to post, I am not in the mood for another debate about adultery.

 

[Peter2002]

Amen

I agree with MissTaken (sp?). There are "loose constructionists" and "strict constructionists."

 

[Cirrus]

Well said. As far as those that disagree with me, nothing you say will change the way I feel, just as nothing I say will change the way you feel. So what's really the point in arguing it?

This thread kind of went in a direction I never intended and took on a life of its own anyway.

 

[Guest]

This thread kind of went in a direction I never intended and took on a life of its own anyway.

Sometimes that happens on public forums.