When someone who breaks your heart just won't go away ...

[SweetDommes]

I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience this, but ...

As some of you may remember, we had a boy for awhile last summer - he was the first boy that we played with in rt. He is also the first one of all the ones that we talked to who I became extremely attached to. He had a lot of personality traits in common with my ex, whom I still care for, and as a result I fell for the boy ... hard ... he seemed totally oblivious (and still does, even though I finally just told him).

Now, less than a year later, he's married (to someone else, obviously), and continues to pop up and say things that just push the knife deeper. I don't really want to just tell him to buzz off, as we decided to try and be friends, but he is either stupid, or a jerk ... and I can't decide which it is. I really don't know if he's still oblivious to what he's doing, or so insisitive that he doesn't care.

*sigh* I'll quit bitching now ... I know I'm not alone in this, and I shouldn't let it get to me ... it's just difficult.

Miss Karen

 

[shy slave]

Miss Karen

He is probably a jerk and thinks you are over him as he is now married and you were together last summer.

Remember for some men thats an eternity.

I am sure it would be easier to not see him or simply be cold towards him until he gets the idea, but if he is really insensitive then that could bea longtime.

If it were me I would try and brave it out, and keep looking at all the elements of him that annoyed you instead of focusing on the bits you fell in love with.

It does get easier, and yes men can be insensitive jerks

xxx

 

[SweetDommes]

Fortunately, I do have others to distract me ... Holly, of course, and our boy ... and a couple of potentials that I am becoming attached to, one in particular ... (and yes, pyrolisk, I know that you troll me so I know that you will read this ... yes, you are the one I'm talking about )

The big problem is that I'm one of those people who stays in love with those that I fall for - no matter what they do ... silly an stupid, I know, but it's true. I am smart enough to break it off, no matter what my feelings are, if it is an unhealthy relationship (thus my ex, is an ex), but that doesn't mean that I stop caring about them.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Miss Karen,

I totally know what you're talking about! I had a similar situation.

Ten years ago, I fell in love for the first time with a young man I absolutely adored! We were together for a year and four months, and he even started talking about marriage and children. Of course, I believed him, which is why it hurt so badly when he broke up with me. After we broke up, he kept coming around, claiming to be friends, but showing signs of affection towards me every now and then. I mean, hhe broke up with me because he discovered that he liked men, but he would let me put my head on his shoulder and he would rub his body against mine. At the same time, he was asking me for money to buy ciggarettes and who knows what else. I knew that he was only using me, but I couldn't let go. Finally, one day he called and asked me for $20 and I told him I didn't have any money. I haven't heard from him since, but it is for the best.

I know it's not exactly the same as your situation, but I thought I would be of some help having been through something similar.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Could be off base here Karen, but I suspect he is not as ignorant of your feelings as he makes it appear and is in fact thriving on knowing he has that power over you. He may not be in your life daily anymore, but some people need to know they can still twist that painful little knife and then run back to their safe relationship with their ego nicely stroked and inflated...a fix of sorts for them. Sounds as if you are way too sensitive a person to allow this to continue without you hurting over and over so it may be bettter to just cut all ties completely for your own sanity and freedom to move on with a clear heart, not to mention being fair to those who may actually deserve your love and caring. Take care.

Catalina

 

[bridgeburner]

Catalina is right on the money with this.

Who benefits from the two of you remaining friends? He does. All it seems to cause you is pain.

It's the currently accepted "mature" way to behave being friends with exes, but, honestly, so long as you're not trashing your ex at every opportunity obsessing over how angry you still are then I think it's a perfectly acceptable, reasonable and mature option to simply not be in each other's lives anymore.

You have other friends. You have other lovers. You have people who give you the good stuff without sucking the marrow out of your bones and then blithely wandering off to satisfy their other needs.

Maybe with time it won't hurt to be around him, or maybe you'll never be comfortable around him, but there are some 6 billion people on the planet and you don't have to play nice with the ones who aren't good for you.

In the end it doesn't matter WHY he is the way he is --- whether it's malice or just obliviousness -- the fact remains that he's a hurtful presence with only some social fad to recomnend keeping him in your life.

Pull the splinter and let the wound heal over, hon. Not all suffering is worthy.

Be well.

-B

 

[SweetDommes]

Pull the splinter and let the wound heal over, hon. Not all suffering is worthy.

... Yeah ... I tend to be an emotional masochist ... I don't really enjoy it, but I keep going back for more ... *sigh*

 

[Limbhugger]

I usually do not reply these type posts but I have always admired and appreciated what you have shared here. I'm more than a little surprised that he has done this given all I have read.

I find myself in agreement with Catalina and his want of power of you. This power bringing him a sense of power he cannot otherwise find within his own pathetic self.

My advice dear, fuck him. Treasure the times you shared and screw the rest. Then work on your own self to find why it is you feel the need to give so readily to old memories. Take this as a lesson of growth and celebrate it. Don't wallow in hurt, rejoice in the growth.

In the end, you shall be the better person and he shall still be him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

... Yeah ... I tend to be an emotional masochist ... I don't really enjoy it, but I keep going back for more ... *sigh*

In the words of Dr. Phil (yes I know....but he does make valid points as well at times)....what do you get from this, what makes it worthwhile to you to go back for more? Hope it helps you to define how you can move past this.

Catalina

 

[soapstar]

Some bonds can never be severed or broken. Just because he has 'moved on' doesnt mean he doesnt care anymore, in my opinion.

 

[SweetDommes]

Some bonds can never be severed or broken. Just because he has 'moved on' doesnt mean he doesnt care anymore, in my opinion.

Yeah, I actually talked to him again the other day ... it was much less "knife twisting" and much more "I really do wanna be friends with you and I'm sorry I was so rotten to you when we were together." *sigh* maybe someday I really will get over him.

 

[soapstar]

Yeah, I actually talked to him again the other day ... it was much less "knife twisting" and much more "I really do wanna be friends with you and I'm sorry I was so rotten to you when we were together." *sigh* maybe someday I really will get over him.

Just wondering, do you ever REALLY get over the people who touched your heart deeply?

I dont think I ever have.

 

[SweetDommes]

Just wondering, do you ever REALLY get over the people who touched your heart deeply?

I dont think I ever have.

Well ... I'll at least get to the point that I won't feel like crying after each time I talk to him ...

 

[soapstar]

Well ... I'll at least get to the point that I won't feel like crying after each time I talk to him ...

Crikey. I was referring to a dull ache and the wistful feeling of *what if*.....

As you were then.

 

[SweetDommes]

Crikey. I was referring to a dull ache and the wistful feeling of *what if*.....

As you were then.

Heehee ... I have that every time I think about him (it has only been about a year - and I fell for him like a ton of bricks) ... but sometimes after talking to him ... I just wanna crawl in a hole and cry for a week or two ...

I know I will eventually get better, but right now, it's still heartbreaking ... *sigh*

 

[Llyren]

I can relate. My husband, who up till this point I'd thought was utterly vanilla, vanished three weeks ago and turned up in California as the "pet" of a former hooker. (Yes, I know her former profession is irrelevant, but it stings) He kept wanting to be "friends", till I finally blocked him on aim and told him to keep his distance permanently. I don't think he wanted to be friends. I think he wanted to keep a hook in me. At the risk of being horribly cynical, I think the same thing is happening with you. He wants to keep that hook, "just in case". It's up to you, but I'd break things off entirely with him. If you're like me, you're not ever going to stop caring completely, so it will always be a turn of the screw to interact with him. Wounds heal much better if the person who shoved the knife in can't keep ripping off the scabs, to use a rather vulgar analogy.

On an off-topic note, just in case anyone was wondering, I'm doing remarkably well. I'm chucked most of the things he left, I'm in the process of getting my apartment and life in order, and it's entirely possible the best thing he ever did was leave me. And I signed up here, so I could make a few tentative steps in a direction that's fascinated me since I was a teenager.

 

[SweetDommes]

Holy cow ... I think I'd track him down, rip off his balls & bury the rest of him - at least this guy told us he didn't want to be with us anymore.

 

[FungiUg]

Now, less than a year later, he's married (to someone else, obviously), and continues to pop up and say things that just push the knife deeper.

Ooooh yes.

When I broke up with my ex-wife, I was still very much in love with her. However, her being gay, there wasn't really much option of continuing the relationship.

That didn't stop her turning up all too often and fucking with my head big time!

In the end, I literally said to her "Go away. Don't write, don't phone, don't e-mail." (Or words to that effect.) I had to... I needed to get over her and reclaim my sanity!

It's been years, and I think there will always be a part of me that cares for her. But I also know that it was the best thing I ever did for myself in terms of moving on.

 

[FungiUg]

Some bonds can never be severed or broken. Just because he has 'moved on' doesnt mean he doesnt care anymore, in my opinion.

Hmmm. Sometimes that doesn't help.

 

[Llyren]

Holy cow ... I think I'd track him down, rip off his balls & bury the rest of him - at least this guy told us he didn't want to be with us anymore.

Honestly, I don't have to. He's not going to suddenly find himself a different person, and she certainly isn't as patient and understanding as I've been. He'll do all the things that drove me up the wall and she'll kick him out fairly soon, unless I'm greatly mistaken. He is online all day every day, which tells me that he's sitting around expecting her to take care of him, and from what I know of her, she's a bit too selfish and interested in being the center of attention to deal well with that.

I'm just going to keep dealing with it. The lack of closure is less than pleasant, given that he didn't even tell me goodbye, but I think I'm going to heal this time. With any luck, I'll find some fun people who'd like to help me explore some different facets of my character I've never dared look into before. I'm sorry he left you, and I stand by what I say: You should cut him completely from his life. He can't eat his cake and have it too.