When does the parent become the child?

[*Eve*]

I was in a used book store this weekend and this lady and her husband were with the lady's mother. I can only assume that the woman felt that her mother was getting in the way because every 10 minutes she kept saying, "Mother no, or mother get out of the way" Now from what I could tell the mother was neither senile or really older than maybe 60. I think the woman had just wanted to help her daughter with whatever she was doing. Well finally the woman said, "mother go wait in the car." When I was leaving that old lady was sitting in the car crying. I was mad a hell. I could never imagine talking to my mother that way mainly because she would probably smack the taste out of my mouth, but I have way too much respect for her to even imagine that I would talk to her in that manner. It's not the first time I saw an adult talk to their parent any kind of way in a store or in public, What's wrong with people? Is there something that happens in some people that says that once they reach a certain age they should no longer respect their parents. I libe on my own and pay my own bills, I'm 5'9 and my mom is 5'4 but I know that doesn't give me the right to disrespect the woman that raised me and provided for me and fought my battles when I couldn't. Some people just make me mad as hell.

 

[Silverlily]

Unfortunately, elder abuse is on the rise. It amazes me sometimes how many people take living parents for granted. I will never have to opportunity to spend my mother's "golden years" with her, she isn't expected to live past 55.

It breaks my heart too, Eve.

 

[CW]

Used to see that happen all the time when I worked retail,,, made me mad as a wet hornet,,, and you can bet the *kid* got the worst possible customer assistance possible,,, while the parent that was sloughed off got all the attention and care they wanted.

Not a major victory nor statement,,, but satisfying all the same.

 

[Nobody Special's wife]

I work in a rest home for the old....The lady took away the womans rights!!!!!! The older lady has the right to feel helpful I guess the daughter has no clue she just verbal abused her mother!!!! YES that is abuse !!!! I'm here to protect that from happening to my patients and by god don't be surprised if I would of said something ....I would of pressed charges on the woman .....Those people piss me off
http://www.gif-world.com./maingifs/adultgifs/53.gif




THE WIFE

 

[Silverlily]

CW, as a former retail captive, I think I'm in love!

 

[CW]

CW, as a former retail captive, I think I'm in love!

Now that reply, KE, just earned you a full face smile and a big chuckle,,,

The hell with getting even,,, GET AHEAD!!

 

[CreamyLady]

Okay -- I can see both sides here.

My father had Alzheimer's, and my mother was in major denial about the whole thing. My sister and I ended up splitting shifts to care for both of them for five years until my father died.

My mother drank herself into Wernicke-Korsakoff's syndrome, and is essentially a child. We do not abuse her; far from it. However, she displays the behavior patterns of a willful four-year-old, and we have to speak firmly to her at times. Her short term memory is gone forever, so she doesn't remember when we tell her to knock it off. However, she will cry when spoken to sharply. We have to steel ourselves to it, because otherwise she will have us all at each other's throats. Her specialty is picking on people.

You might not have seen what the mother was doing. You also don't know what kind of a day the other woman had had with the mother. There is a book about caring for Alzheimer's patients called The 36-Hour Day, and that is really about it.

People with dementia and cognitive problems are a full time job, and most people have full time jobs -- and families -- and then their parents are added to the mix. There is no perfect long term care. My mother spent two years in a nursing home at over $3,200 per month. Not even half was covered by Medicare, none by her other insurance, and we had to pay for her laundry and supplies.

Mom was finally well enough to live with my sister, but she is still a full time job. She can't remember her medication or when to eat. She has continence problems, and can't always feel a bowel movement. My sister is patience itself; I spell my sister when I can. However, our lives are essentially on hold while dealing with Mom. We can't travel together; Mom is not a good traveler. Any job has to be weighed against the "Who Cares for Mom" standard: my sister has a responsible job in which she must travel, and any job I take has to reflect that. Very few employers are even willing to discuss it.

So, what may seem like abuse might have been a frayed temper and exhaustion. In my mother's heyday, she'd have smacked me for talking back. However, age and illness aside, I am not a doormat and will not be abused myself, so I will tell her to knock it off.

I can't think of bad temper as abuse. Hitting, starving, continued verbal berating -- yes. But the incident you describe just seems like a woman at the end of her tether.

 

[Cyan BloodsBane]

*Cyan walks in.. looks around and Yuck.. parents... Then leaves...*

 

[Ksss]

I too have seen what parents with Alzheimers can do to children. BUT, if you cannot care for them find them good care. If you should take on the task of caring for them, remember, they are not doing this to frustrate you, they have no idea what they are doing. This woman, if she was having a bad day, should have left the mother at home in the care of capable hands, and done her shopping without her mother. There is absolutely no excuse for any type of parental abuse. I too had to care for a parent who was not capable of caring for themselves, until it came to the point that I could no longer provide the care she needed. Once she was put in the nursing home (which was 50 miles away)I spent 3-4 days a week going to visit her, talked to her on the phone 3-4 times a day. Parents should be an important factor in your life...they gave you life, they nurtured you, loved you when you "hated" them, loved you when you were sick, loved you when no one else did. Sometimes, and most often, you do not realize how important to you they really are until its too late. Dementia, alzheimers, or any other serious disease is not their fault, so why should they be treated poorly?? They are still human beings and deserve to be loved. Afterall, didn't your parents love you unconditionally, even through your worst years of growing up??

 

[CreamyLady]

I don't think I said anything about a lack of love. I believe that I said that good care is expensive -- most long term Alzheimer's care is not covered by insurance or Medicare, and many people have absolutely no choice. It is the lack of options that drives most caretakers into exhaustion.

Alzheimer's was not my father's fault; Wernicke-Korsakoff, however, was entirely within my mother's control. If she had quit drinking years before, it wouldn't have happened.
She refused to acknowledge that she had a problem, and she drank herself into a bigger one.

Her loss of short term memory causes her to question, repeatedly, everything said and done. Most days this isn't a problem, but there are days when we get a little bit tired of answering endleess repetitive questions.

She will not let up, either. In fact, the more tired of this we get, the happier she is.

It is not outside the realm of possibility that people get tired, and lose their patience and their tempers with loved ones. To equate a loss of temper and sharp speaking with abuse, however, is ridiculous. Perhaps we should stop expecting perfection of people, and cut them a little slack.

 

[pandora]

I too have a problem seeing the way some people treat their parents. When I was just a young one of 20, my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, starting passing out. She couldn't be left alone at all. She still was able to let my father, her only child, know that she did not wish to be put in a nursing home. So what could my father do. He moved out of my mother's house so he could take care of his mother. He did this until the day my grandmother died. I never once heard him speak harshly to her and I was there often to help give baths, cook meals, or just give my dad some relief. My grandmother got to the point where her memory failed, along with her eyesight. Yes there were times I wanted to scream at her in frustration, but then I'd remember her making me my favorite "mini biscuits", or how I always loved to smell her, but most importantly, how she was always there for me with a smile or a tear. Even the day she died, I still remember thinking how strong of a lady she was and how I wished that I could be at least alittle like her. MY dad could have put her somewhere, I'm not saying that everyone who's had to put a loved one in someone else care is wrong, he simply chose to love her as she did him and take care of her as she had him. But everyone, no matter if they can remember or not, act up like a child or not, deserves the respect that they as a parent should get without feeling that they have let their child down in some way.

 

[Cheyenne]

I feel so sorry for people on both sides- caregivers as well as the poor parents. I've lived through 3 grandparents who suffered- two were ill and ended up in nursing homes for extended stays and then died, and one who died from cancer at home after we turned his bedroom into a hospital room. The stress on my parents, and their marriage, was tremendous.

As a result, they have already made arrangements to move to a retirement home some day that has an attached nursing home for when they need more care eventually. They are too young to move yet, but both are determined never to put their kids through what they went through with their own parents.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to put ourselves in the shoes of another person to see things the way that someone else sees them.

 

[Vlad]

I think disrespectful treatment toward one's parents is on the rise, I have witnessed several instances in the last few years and abhor it. I have always had deep respect for my parents and would never mistreat them in private, much less in public.
Getting a little too serious, I guess we need to lighten up..

Vlad

 

[*Eve*]

I think you have brought up some very valid point CL and I can understand if a parents is much older and is no longer in control of all their faculties but that is not the case I was pointing out. I have seee several cases where parents are disrespected by their grown up children which had nothing to do with their parents having Alzheimers. I worked in a nursing home one summer when I was a teen and you just wouldn't believe all the wonderful patients there who were not mental but no longer had a home because their spouse was dead or they could no longer live on their small pensions. I once say this lady tell her mother that she would visit her when it wasn't so inconvenient. Now that's something to tell your mother. Some people would come to the homes to harrass their parents for money, I can't tell you how many people were condesending to their parent. It was so disgusting and depressing. That's the kind of treatment I speak of.
It's just a shame that somewhere along the line some people lose that respect for their parents.

 

[Silverlily]

The really sad thing is it is almost a self-fulling prophesy for some people. I have seen adolescents speaking to their parents in the most obnoxious manner and the parents do absolutely nothing. What do they think these kids will be like twenty, thirty years down the road, loving, caring, patient people? Somehow, I doubt those skills will ever be learned and unfortunately it may be the elderly parents that pay for it.

 

[Cheyenne]

Eve- your parents should be proud. They did a great job with you!

 

[*Eve*]

Thanks Cheyenne, call me sappy but without my family I am nothing.