When does it become a problem?

[Marquis]

I spend a lot of time thinking about who I am, the decisions I make. How I portray myself and how I let people see me.

I guess it should come as no secret that I revel in being a ladies' man. I didn't get a lot of attention from women for a long time, attention I always craved and I covet it dearly to this day. Guiness would have no interest in me, but I get laid more than anyone I know.

Moreover, I fuck hot girls. Models, cheerleaders, strippers, whatever.... girls that guys want to fuck. Furthermore, I fuck them in hot ways. I tie them up, spank them, fuck them in every hole while I push their limits gently but firmly and figure out their unique sexual buttons.

I love it, I really do.

But I can't help but wonder if in the midst of all this opulence of sexual gratification, I'm not disguising a very real problem I might have. I sometimes wonder if I'm addicted to sex. My need for sex seems to be the greatest hunger I have in life sometimes, above all else.

I want new women, new experiences, new pictures and stories.

I wonder if maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if I had more discipline. For one, if a succulent young slut wants to come fuck me, homework gets put away like clutter while I light candles and uncork wine.

But much more importantly, I don't consistently use condoms. In the moment, I often find myself caring more about catching that perfect nut than protecting myself. Of course, immediately afterwards I feel like absolute shit for playing russian roullette with my life any my health.

Everyone is trustworthy beforehand, no one is afterwards.

I get tested like that's gonna cure me if I have something, but I've been very lucky so far.

The worst part of course is the trust I break with my submissive, who allows me to sexually explore elsewhere with the understanding that I will be responsible with our sexual health. Nothing makes me feel like more of a failure as a Dominant than when I have to tell her that we'll have to use condoms until I can get tested because I fucked up. Again.

I don't know how deep this goes, but its on my mind rather heavily recently. Yes, it is because of a recent incident, but the worst part is that I've been doing really well recently. Using condoms religiously, or not fucking at all.

Why is it that I can't stop myself?

Why is it that I even need to be out there like this, putting myself at risk for a few cheap thrills or the chance to connect with some stranger on an oddly personal level?

I feel like this is really taking a negative impact on my life, do I need to go to fucking meetings?

 

[incubus'_sub]

Why do you think you should stop yourself? Apart from the condom thing, which you really do need to use religiously. You're young, you're hot & you're making up for a fairly difficult early life in a fun way. I don't really see a problem.

I think that you feel guilty because you are involved with someone you do care about a great deal & somewhere in the back of your mind you feel you should be faithful. The thing is, that although she's lovely & you love her & blah blah, deep down you know she's not "the one", nor are you looking for the one at this stage of your life.

I'm not sure I believe in sex addiction. You have lots of sex because you CAN! It's also a great relief for the stresses of law school. Just go for it & enjoy it, but remember the condoms, please. Wouldn't want to lose you.

 

[Recidiva]

Do you enjoy the aspect of being "bad" when you're doing it? That could be harder to shake with discipline than if you're just sloppy.

If being reckless is part of the turn on, that's a different deal than just being caught up in a moment.

Sounds like if you're that deliberate, though, that it's part of the plan, to be reckless and prove to yourself you're beyond control.

 

[alice_underneath]

My observation as a reader of the BDSM Board -

One of the things people say here is: A Dom who is unable to control himself has no business trying to control others.

My reaction to that is: That sounds nice, and is certainly a laudable goal, but a Dom is also a human being. As such, he will occasionally slip up in the self-control department. Perhaps on a daily basis.

My conclusion would therefore be: Cut yourself some slack.

Unfortunately, as you know, your slip ups are risking your life.

Therefore, I would answer your query in the title of this thread by saying: Yes, you have a problem, and you should seek professional help.



My observation as a woman who has spent 45 years on this planet -

99% of the time, when someone seriously asks the question..... 'Do I need professional help to work this out?' ....... they do.

Alice

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Marquis, my young friend,

Having grown up in an addictive household, I am very aware of the pain and destruction an unwanted, uncontrolled addiction can bring into one's life. If you are _asking_ about this, it's because you are already recognizing the negative side-effects in your own life, you are approaching the point where you are ready to make changes to get it under control.

Yes, there are group therapy meetings for sexual addicts. Yes there is councelling available. You may avail yourself of these resources.

Or, you might consider moving to California and getting into the adult film industry, where you could turn your addiction into a money making opportunity...

*grins and shrugs* Unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, this _could_ have a silver (or green!) lining...

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not one who holds much with the theory of sexual addiction...who decides how much is too much? The Dr. Phils of the world who because they mustn't ba able to manage it more than a couple of times a week decide that any guy who can must be a freak and need help? Hmmm. As to psych talk, the many psyches I have worked with have always said it is the person who feels they don't have a problem, who see themselves as completely normal and not having anything lurking in the background, who are the same ones who do have a major problem.

So onto the unprotected sex, and possibly those you have sex with and why, I daresay there is an issue underlying it which goes way back, and is not related to those times and feelings when you were not the hot stud on the block. I could be wrong, but if you want to solve the mystery, perhaps talking to someone who you feel comfortable with and who has training in these areas would help you find the answers for youself. If you don't want or feel ready for that, perhaps when you are in the right mood, sit down and look back over your life and find those moments which changed you in some way, perhaps (usually) not obviously at that moment but which you can see how the feeling and event in that moment has lead to behaviour and patterns in your present day life which reflect that moment. They are not many, but they are there. It was a technique I used with many women who were serial abuse victims, and without fail there was something they remembered which formed life patterns that imitated the original moment in various ways and validated it subconsciously as being who they were or what they deserved...to continue to validate themselves and their reality, they needed to repeat the pattern that was causing harm...recognising it can begin to provide the key to get past it through understanding and behavioural changes.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

I'm not one who holds much with the theory of sexual addiction...who decides how much is too much? The Dr. Phils of the world who because they mustn't ba able to manage it more than a couple of times a week decide that any guy who can must be a freak and need help? Hmmm. As to psych talk, the many psyches I have worked with have always said it is the person who feels they don't have a problem, who see themselves as completely normal and not having anything lurking in the background, who are the same ones who do have a major problem.

So onto the unprotected sex, and possibly those you have sex with and why, I daresay there is an issue underlying it which goes way back, and is not related to those times and feelings when you were not the hot stud on the block. I could be wrong, but if you want to solve the mystery, perhaps talking to someone who you feel comfortable with and who has training in these areas would help you find the answers for youself. If you don't want or feel ready for that, perhaps when you are in the right mood, sit down and look back over your life and find those moments which changed you in some way, perhaps (usually) not obviously at that moment but which you can see how the feeling and event in that moment has lead to behaviour and patterns in your present day life which reflect that moment. They are not many, but they are there. It was a technique I used with many women who were serial abuse victims, and without fail there was something they remembered which formed life patterns that imitated the original moment in various ways and validated it subconsciously as being who they were or what they deserved.

Catalina

I believe in sexual addiction without a doubt. Addiction is brain chemistry.

However, this is a combination of sexual and danger and novelty.

Hell, I'm addicted to the rush of an orgasm, wouldn't go without it, but I can do them safely and alone if necessary to get my fix.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I believe in sexual addiction without a doubt. Addiction is brain chemistry.

However, this is a combination of sexual and danger and novelty.

Hell, I'm addicted to the rush of an orgasm, wouldn't go without it, but I can do them safely and alone if necessary to get my fix.

My point exactly...an addict is not usually concerned with how and when, or in control of their actions at any time. People have varied libido levels and just because perhaps mine is stronger than yours, does not mean I am addicted to sex, nor do I need hormone treatment to reduce the urge as was believed a few decades ago. Sheesh, the world is still in the grip of frigid people who need to prove they do not have a problem by labelling the rest of us as sick.

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

My point exactly...an addict is not usually concerned with how and when, or in control of their actions at any time. People have varied libido levels and just because perhaps mine is stronger than yours, does not mean I am addicted to sex, nor do I need hormone treatment to reduce the urge as was believed a few decades ago. Sheesh, the world is still in the grip of frigid people who need to prove they do not have a problem by labelling the rest of us as sick.

Catalina

I'm addicted to sex in that I would not choose to go a day without an orgasm.

However, I'm not addicted to sex in any way that would make it a danger to me or to any agreement I made to any partner. I haven't experienced regret in my choices. Consequences are what make an addiction serious. After all, we're all addicted to sleeping, eating, breathing and drinking. It's how we endanger ourselves with your needs that constitutes addiction.

 

[raven2]

I believe in sexual addiction without a doubt. Addiction is brain chemistry.

However, this is a combination of sexual and danger and novelty.

Hell, I'm addicted to the rush of an orgasm, wouldn't go without it, but I can do them safely and alone if necessary to get my fix.

I definitely agree with you, Recidiva. A person can be addicted to just about anything, either physically or mentally or both. An inability to control one's actions in the face of personal danger and danger to someone whom they care for because of the rush, certainly seems to me to be well on that road. It certainly does not mean that they are a bad person, but when they are charged with the well being of another (as in the case of a Dom) it becomes a difficult situation if they cannot control themselves.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

When you pass something like this on to your partner.

 

[brioche]

When I was taking Pysch classes, we talked about diagnosing addictions. We also talked about the problem of diagnosing in general. The problem is, as others have said here, what is excessive to one is not excessive to another. What one person would find intolerable another finds merely annoying or even motivating in certain circumstances. Thus, a lot of diagnosing is only done if the patient is exhibiting distress at a higher level than the general public does from day to day.

It's clear that this bothers you, and I can see why. There's a great element of risk in it, you are breaking an agreement made with your sub, and you're willing to neglect your responsibilities if an opportunity to get your "fix" occurs. I find myself wondering if you ever in fact find yourself looking for that "fix" when there are other things you should be doing, such as the homework you mentioned.

I do kind of wonder about whether or not you have an addictive personality. You do seem to take things to their extreme. But once again, that's only a problem if it distresses you.

I agree with the others. This is potentially harmful behaviour and it is bothering you. Therapy could be helpful, provided you go to the right form of it.

 

[Vixandra]

There are many types of diseases that even condoms can't protect against that you run the risk of getting and later giving to your sub.

I'm with the general consensus here- you need to find a therapist that you trust and can talk to very frankly. This is very distructive behavior- both to your health and to your relationship.

 

[Marquis]

Why do you think you should stop yourself? Apart from the condom thing, which you really do need to use religiously. You're young, you're hot & you're making up for a fairly difficult early life in a fun way. I don't really see a problem.

I think that you feel guilty because you are involved with someone you do care about a great deal & somewhere in the back of your mind you feel you should be faithful. The thing is, that although she's lovely & you love her & blah blah, deep down you know she's not "the one", nor are you looking for the one at this stage of your life.

I'm not sure I believe in sex addiction. You have lots of sex because you CAN! It's also a great relief for the stresses of law school. Just go for it & enjoy it, but remember the condoms, please. Wouldn't want to lose you.

There is nothing blah blah about the way I love my submissive, but I do question if she is the one, or as you said, if I can have a one at this point of my life. I can tell you that she's damn near perfect in every way but that there is but only one of her.

I don't know why it's so important to me to be able to be with whoever I want. I don't know why I want to be with so many people. But I wonder if she was neo, would I stop wanting to fuck other girls?

I really don't think I would. At least not at this stage. But I guess the "one" gets monogamy, right? Hence the name?

 

[Marquis]

Do you enjoy the aspect of being "bad" when you're doing it? That could be harder to shake with discipline than if you're just sloppy.

If being reckless is part of the turn on, that's a different deal than just being caught up in a moment.

Sounds like if you're that deliberate, though, that it's part of the plan, to be reckless and prove to yourself you're beyond control.

I enjoy the aspect of being bad.

 

[Marquis]

My observation as a reader of the BDSM Board -

One of the things people say here is: A Dom who is unable to control himself has no business trying to control others.

My reaction to that is: That sounds nice, and is certainly a laudable goal, but a Dom is also a human being. As such, he will occasionally slip up in the self-control department. Perhaps on a daily basis.

My conclusion would therefore be: Cut yourself some slack.

Unfortunately, as you know, your slip ups are risking your life.

Therefore, I would answer your query in the title of this thread by saying: Yes, you have a problem, and you should seek professional help.



My observation as a woman who has spent 45 years on this planet -

99% of the time, when someone seriously asks the question..... 'Do I need professional help to work this out?' ....... they do.

Alice

Wise words, and true in my experience as well.

I think I am ready to approach this topic more agressively with my therapist. My old psychologist is giving birth anyway, so I need a new one. This should kickstart things nicely.

 

[raven2]

Wise words, and true in my experience as well.

I think I am ready to approach this topic more agressively with my therapist. My old psychologist is giving birth anyway, so I need a new one. This should kickstart things nicely.

Sounds like a very good idea, Marquis. Hope it helps you.

 

[Marquis]

Marquis, my young friend,

Having grown up in an addictive household, I am very aware of the pain and destruction an unwanted, uncontrolled addiction can bring into one's life. If you are _asking_ about this, it's because you are already recognizing the negative side-effects in your own life, you are approaching the point where you are ready to make changes to get it under control.

Yes, there are group therapy meetings for sexual addicts. Yes there is councelling available. You may avail yourself of these resources.

Or, you might consider moving to California and getting into the adult film industry, where you could turn your addiction into a money making opportunity...

*grins and shrugs* Unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, this _could_ have a silver (or green!) lining...

Thanks for the encouraging words. It's hard for me to really think of this in the same light as other addictions, but I guess it isn't that different.

 

[Recidiva]

I enjoy the aspect of being bad.

Well, that's what you have to redirect. Redefine "bad." That's how you control your addictions to certain concepts and behaviors.

I've kicked a few nasty addictions on my own terms and it almost always involves redefining your ideas about your addiction and building new thoughts. There are lots of ways to be smart "bad" without being "dumb" bad.

Part of this is biochemistry, without a doubt, and some of it involves completely rebuilding your idea of an experience so it's not as appealing. Stop thinking of the "bad" aspect of being unprotected and replace it with the "bad" aspect of just being so damned in control of yourself that you're just not at risk other than exactly the ways you choose. Find a substitute "bad" and try to resculpt your idea of sexy and exciting around it. I'm not saying that cottage cheese will replace a steak...but having a less risky strategy that you present to yourself as a challenge, in this case, can be a simple substitution.

 

[Marquis]

I'm not one who holds much with the theory of sexual addiction...who decides how much is too much?

The Dr. Phils of the world who because they mustn't ba able to manage it more than a couple of times a week decide that any guy who can must be a freak and need help?

Hmmm. As to psych talk, the many psyches I have worked with have always said it is the person who feels they don't have a problem, who see themselves as completely normal and not having anything lurking in the background, who are the same ones who do have a major problem.

So onto the unprotected sex, and possibly those you have sex with and why, I daresay there is an issue underlying it which goes way back, and is not related to those times and feelings when you were not the hot stud on the block.

I could be wrong, but if you want to solve the mystery, perhaps talking to someone who you feel comfortable with and who has training in these areas would help you find the answers for youself. If you don't want or feel ready for that, perhaps when you are in the right mood, sit down and look back over your life and find those moments which changed you in some way, perhaps (usually) not obviously at that moment but which you can see how the feeling and event in that moment has lead to behaviour and patterns in your present day life which reflect that moment. They are not many, but they are there.

It was a technique I used with many women who were serial abuse victims, and without fail there was something they remembered which formed life patterns that imitated the original moment in various ways and validated it subconsciously as being who they were or what they deserved...to continue to validate themselves and their reality, they needed to repeat the pattern that was causing harm...recognising it can begin to provide the key to get past it through understanding and behavioural changes.

Catalina

I wonder what in my past caused me to be like this. I can remember desiring intimacy very strongly since a very young age. I do ocassionally wonder if I was molested as a young child. I wouldn't even know where to start in figuring out who or how, but when I get very manic I have the irking feeling that I was molested. Then again, I also become very insecure about my sexuality and feel like EVERYONE is trying to fuck me.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Marquis

Once again, you asked a question that I have been trying to find the answer to since I was old enough to think about it. I also have an incredibly hard time being faithful...I don't like monogomous relationships because of that very thing.

The only thing I have found in the midst of your posting that is different between the 2 of us is that I have periods where sex is such a low priority that I feel almost asexual. Have you ever had that issue or is it a constant thing for you?

My therapist insists that my sex drive is directed by my earlier life experiences (ie rape and molestation) but I find that explanation just a bit too pat. It doesn't explain some of the riskier things i have done, almost without thought..nor does it really explain the high I get when i am at my most sexually predatory.

Anyway, let me know what you find out..because I haven't the foggiest how to fix this particular problem, either. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts..and if you ever want to talk..consider me an ear.

 

[Marquis]

When you pass something like this on to your partner.

Totally ignoring this comment would seem conspicuous, but I don't know what to say in response. Thanks for the reality check.

 

[Marquis]

When I was taking Pysch classes, we talked about diagnosing addictions. We also talked about the problem of diagnosing in general. The problem is, as others have said here, what is excessive to one is not excessive to another. What one person would find intolerable another finds merely annoying or even motivating in certain circumstances. Thus, a lot of diagnosing is only done if the patient is exhibiting distress at a higher level than the general public does from day to day.

It's clear that this bothers you, and I can see why. There's a great element of risk in it, you are breaking an agreement made with your sub, and you're willing to neglect your responsibilities if an opportunity to get your "fix" occurs. I find myself wondering if you ever in fact find yourself looking for that "fix" when there are other things you should be doing, such as the homework you mentioned.

I do kind of wonder about whether or not you have an addictive personality. You do seem to take things to their extreme. But once again, that's only a problem if it distresses you.

I agree with the others. This is potentially harmful behaviour and it is bothering you. Therapy could be helpful, provided you go to the right form of it.

I put a lot into getting my fix. So much so that I wonder who the Marquis I now know would be without it.

 

[Marquis]

There are many types of diseases that even condoms can't protect against that you run the risk of getting and later giving to your sub.

I'm with the general consensus here- you need to find a therapist that you trust and can talk to very frankly. This is very distructive behavior- both to your health and to your relationship.

So, are you preaching monogamy throughout?

I can't agree with that. But what is a reasonable number of people to sleep with?

 

[Marquis]

Sounds like a very good idea, Marquis. Hope it helps you.

Thanks.