When did you first realize that you were 'different'?

[PressNightly]

sorry, haven't seen any threads about this topic in my short time here, so....


I've always been very interested in how other people finally came to the realization that they were bi/gay/lesbian/in the wrong gendered body? I know a lot of people have 'always known' that they were different, but I also know that there are a lot of you, especialy the bi/trans ones, that had to discover it for themselves after lots of soul searching and inner turmoil.

Admitting to myself that I was an actual, honest to goodness bisexual has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever done (and I'm a recovering drug addict), and for years I was lost in a sea of depression and self loathing because I was having such a hard time with my sexuality.

When I was younger I used to tell myself that I liked hooking up with guys because they didn't demand all the emotional attachments that women did, and because they were so easy to pick up (my old high school hangout was also one of the biggest gay cruising spots in town). So it was all just a bit of harmless fun to me, I'd suck them off then they'd return the favor, and hey cum didn't taste so bad (I loved it really, just couldn't let myself know it) so it was a bit of a non issue for me.

Then I met my wife and for years things were fine. But before long I'd start getting visions of throbbing pulsing cocks in my head while I was 'with' my wife, and I started to notice that when I'd jerk off, the majority of the time I'd be fantasizing about having sex with other men. I didn't know how to deal with the things I was feeling and the thoughts I was having. To make it worse, I felt that both society and my religion were telling me that I was somehow flawed, that in a fundamental way I was a bad person.

I spiralled into depression and drug use and even contemplated suicide a few times because I thought anything would be easier than facing up to myself.

It wasn't untill my late 20s that I met a guy at work and formed a really fast friendship with him. We used to hang out every weekend and sometimes after work. It wasn't long till I realized that I had fallen in love with him, my wife was still numero uno in my heart of course, and though I can easilly say that I have 'loved' some of my male friends in the past (in a plutonic way), this was the first time I had felt a truly emotional attachment to another man, rather than just a desire to get at his cock. He was straight and nothing sexual ever came of it, but I began to realize that there was more going on with me than just a base desire.

I started visiting sites like these, lurking, and reading what other people had to say on the subject and I guess I finally realized that wanting to be with another man didn't mean that I loved my wife any less, and it didn't mean that I was some disgusting creature that chose to defy nature's plan. When I was 29 I finally sat down and took stock of my life and I decided that I wasn't going to be ashamed of myself anymore. I was bi and even if my familly would probably never accept it, I at least had to 'come out of the closet' to myself.

It was probably the best thing I have ever done and it has taken an immeasurable weight off of my shoulders. I can finally really feel that I am one whole person and not some fractured personality that was meant for separate bodies.

Anyways sorry for the long post, I'm not even sure if it makes sense, but I know that my own journey has been long and painful and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I've noticed that most of the threads on this forum are dedicated to porn in one form or another, and I thought a more serious discussion might help others who are feeling the same things to hear what other people's experiences have been like and I know it helps me to understand that I'm not alone in the world.

If anyone would like to share a story about their 'eureka!' moment I would be very grateful to read it.

 

[SynysterBat]

Your story makes complete sense to me. I can't say I went through the same thing realizing who and what I was but growing up in a family that frowned upon homosexuality and even different races wasn't any easier. Ever since i was a little kid I never felt normal. I would play all kinds of games with my cousins but I always felt like i fit in more with my female cousins. I loved playing dress up with them, I loved playing with their dolls and playing house and all their girl games. I would often fantizise avout being a girl and wearing pretty dresses and skirts and wearing make up. I was old enough to know that this wasnt what boys were supposed to do. I knew that normal boys were supposed to be outside in the mud playing, racing their bikes, playing all kinds of sports but for some reason that just never really caught my attention. Eventually one day I told my mom how I felt and she talked with my dad. He gave me a speech about how it was immoral to think those things and god made me a boy for a reason and I was just spending to much time with boys.

His speech worked for a while. I started playing soccer and football and hanging out with guys more often. I dated girls had sex with them, I was basically a regular teenager boy. But deep down inside some of those thoughts and feelings from so many years ago came back. I started thinking about both guys and girls and it felt right. I didnt want to dress up as a girl or anything like that but being with guys felt just as right as being with a girl.

A couple of years ago I met this guy and everytime i was around him i felt my heart skip a beat. Just being around him made me smile, he was my best friend and i always put him ahead of everyone including my family and my girlfriend. But eventually he moved away and I became depressed for the longest time.

And finally last year I met this girl that my best friend introduced me to. I like her she was cute, funny, fun to be around, i felt like I could talk with her about anything at all. After a while of spending so much time together we got a little intimate. She was extremely and wouldn't let me anywhere near between her legs. We fooled around for weeks she sucked me all the time we did but she would never let me anywhere near her private area. One day i just got so frustrated i just pushed her back on the bed and pulled of her jeans. Well to my surprise she was a, I don't know the right word to use but she was a tranny. Right before my eyes was a beautiful girl i could hang out with talk with present to my parents as my gf and she had a penis. I cried tears of joy seeing this I don't know what to call her but this work of art this masterpiece i guess. I sucked her and fucked her and she me. Ever since I've been madly in love with this girl and can't imagine being without her or her beautiful cock.

I know it kind of trailed off at the end there but I guess thats my story of how I discovered I'm bi, maybe more gay than bi but i consider myself bi. To my family I will Probably always seem straight and heterosexual but as long as i know who and what I really am I can honestly say I'm happy as long as i have my tranny girlfriend next to me. I hope it makes enough sense and kind of gets the point across.