When did the dating rules change??

[Mae13]

Just some random spouting here about something I've noticed since rejoining the "dating pool" last year... Maybe I'm feeling a bit confused since I'd been out of it for a lil over 5 years, is this a common thing now??

I go out with friends, I run around and do things, and meet various fellows here and there... now, I am fairly quick to have the "not looking for a relationship" conversation to avoid misconceptions when it comes up. I am not hardcore or a bitch about it, I like to just present the options I am willing to offer... Which basically is:

If we have common interests and get along, I'd love to hang out, do stuff together, enjoy eachother's company. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I'm not looking for a cheap fuck (although at times my body argues on that point, lol!) or a significant other or soul mate or whatever... Not so much because I am still in mourning from the failure of my previous relationship, but more because I am still in the light of my "Me Time". Basically, that time when I am coming to grips with the changes wrought in me over the past 5 years. When I am done "finding and rebending and readjusting myself", at that point I can look for someone to share myself with, and I will know it is what I want, who I want, and will hopefully be someone who is compatible with the person I am now. And lordy, will they reap the whirlwind when I let go...

Here comes my confusion....last time I was dating folks (back in college) most folks seemed cool with taking that at face value, and many of them remain my best friends. We had good times together, but with no pressure other than developing our friendship. This time 'round however, it seems to be a whole different ballgame. Mostly, I have run into 2 responses:

1. That "well hell, I just wasted all this time talking you up since I'm not gonna get any" response. Now, I can understand their honesty as well, it is part of what I am looking for when I make my 'intentions' clear. It just seems at such odds with the responses I used to get...could it be the age difference now? Not being in a college environment? To me, it seems if I thought I liked someone well enough to sleep with/attempt a relationship with, I would be honored to call them friend....?

2. The "challenged" response. Like me saying that means its not really what I mean...and that they just now have to try REALLY hard to convince me that yes, I DO want them. This one seems to crop up more on the sexual side of the house. Trust me, if I want to bed you, I will LET you know I want to. I don't like to play that 'teasing/hard to get/"no really means yes" sort of game. It's not even that I don't find them attractive, or would not enjoy a good romp with them...it's just that my path right now is not along those lines. I don't mean it as a personal insult/challenge to someone's prowess when I tell them I won't go to bed with them, yet it seems to be taken that way often...

Perhaps the common-ness of more 'casual sexuality' contributes to this? I am a sexual creature, I like feeling good and looking good and enjoy my own sensuality. I love connecting with another person, I love sex in a variety of forms! It just doesn't mean I want to get it on with every Tom, Dick and Harry I meet! Can't people see the difference anymore? This response has come from "nice guys" and "bad boys" and quite a variety inbetween...

I don't know, I think I may have lost my point a while ago here...rambling and all that, sleep deprivation and LOTS of the bottle last night... *shrug*

I guess I was just looking for others' opinions, $0.02, things like that.... ? Or should I just take it in stride that this is the way more folks think and operate now? It certainly isn't the par for every course, just a MUCH higher percentage than I remember from the last time I was in this place....

Ah well, happy Sunday Lit'ers!
*hugs*
Mae

 

[Kandi]

mae

so nice to see you around here again, and i love your av,
tho i miss seeing those incredible eyes, too.

it's a jungle out there, and there are certainly no easy answers. i don't know if it's changed. i've always hated the dating scene, and the only thing that makes it worthwhile is that one in a million connection that happens when you least expect it.

but i think the key thing here is that you are doing exactly what you should be doing. it sounds like you have a great deal of wisdom about how to keep you own psyche in shape, even tho we all have doubts at times. healing yourself, finding the missing pieces, taking your time --- are all vital to the after a relationship time, and i've seldom heard it expressed as well as you did in your 'rambling' way.

i encourage you to keep on being you, because there is no future in you trying to be someone else, and mom says "it all works out in the end". the guys who don get it aren't really worth the time, but you know that already, so i'll shut up now.

nice to have you back.

 

[xheavy]

I'm new here, but I'll give you my $.02. The world is fast now, instant gradifacation. Then instant gone. This is a world that we have created and have to deal with, but not necessarily join. Be yourself and do what makes you happy. There are those out there that would be happy to share your time and companionship without doing the dreaded deed. Hang in there.

 

[patient1]

dating rules? Isn't that kinda like rules for this board?

Well, Mae

We haven't met, (the members are just beginning to get a sense of me after 500 posts), but I'd like to thank you for making an honest effort to re-center yourself after a lost relationship.

More than once I've suffered horribly as a result of falling for women who didn't take the time to do that. People need to cycle through all the emotions on all the anniversaries, holidays, etc. Otherwise the ex can come back bearing diamonds on the anniversary of the break-up, & nobody lives happily ever after.

You've grown. Take the time to get re-acquainted with the new, improved you.

By the way, I agree with everyone that your eyes are beautiful.

Generally speaking , I don't appreciate tatoos, but your belly tatoo is a killer! So Original, so striking!

 

[Jaenelle]

I also agree with you and commend you for sticking to what you need to do for yourself. Myself Im like you at the moment need my own time to sort through everything. Do what you gotta do, dont let them tell you different.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Well actually I don't find it that surprising that some men who are past college age are seeking more than just going out and having fun with a woman they date. Since men are basically seeking a relationship and/or sex with a woman, and you have shot down the possibility of either right off the bat, their responses are not that surprising, albeit rather rude in the first case.

I can understand a woman stating where she is at in her life, but at the same time, I prefer any relationship I were to have with a woman not have such strong limits put on it right out of the gate.

As for time, well there are certain times in our lives where we feel that we need to get on with things and we don't have time for just being a spaceholder for someone who isn't ready for what we want. After all, if they are dating you that takes time away from their dating someone else and finding what they are seeking.

I guess you will just have to keep looking for someone who is in the same mood as you are.

 

[horny_giraffe]

What rules?

The way I see it, perhaps there were once dating rules, but nobody I know dates in any conventional sense anymore. I or my friends or relatives meet new people in whatever fashion they manage.

I suppose that some people might set up an old-fashioned "date," but culturally speaking, there doesn't seem to be rules about this. It's up to specific individuals.

Some people are friends for years before finally ambling over to the bedroom, others don't do it at all. I can see why someone might wish for an old-fashioned courting like that new movie with Meg Ryan. Of course, who really wants to follow all of the rules, anyway? I don't. That's the conflict, I think.

Everybody wants some order, but they also want the freedom to do as they choose. What girl honestly thinks she should be automatically labeled a slut for "putting out" before the third date--especially when the dates are so rigidly defined? What guy really insists that he must obtain permission from his potential fiance's parents before proposing? Or worse yet, that his parents shoud meet his potential fiance's parents? Perhaps that still happens in small-town America--but that sort of rigid structure is the reason I left my small home town to begin with.

When I was, err ... still fucking my ex, she insisted that we only actually went out on a date twice--even though we went to hundreds of movies, dinners, and shows together. WTF?

I don't know what dating is.

When I think about it, I now understand why there are so many boring dating shows on late-night television nowdays. It's people's desire for order manifested in a safe form. People can say "that's just a show" when it's over, and it is.

 

[aaron697]

Aughhhh, The DATING SCENE!!!!

It has been some time for me as well, being a part of the dating scene.

I seem to not do well at the game. Not that I am socially inept, rude, or bassackwards.

Like Mae has requested from her 'dates', potential mates.....is that they 'hang out' and see where things go.....I tend to be quite easy to get along with and can get along with a variety of personalities. I have to be cautious not to settle in with the wrong individual. I was lucky and 'hung out' with the woman who is now my beautiful wife.

Hanging out is important, it is amazing how intimate you can get with someone, when the expectations of the relationship 'going somewhere' are lost.

People forget to enjoy the ride of life, and rush to the destination. What is the destination?

Keep plugging away, no worries! When you find that someone who just wants to just hang out, look out- next thing you know, you will be in the middle of a serious relationship. Those that make you feel awkward, rush you, or try to prove you, are most likely not for you......

Your bound for success and happiness Mae!

*smooch*

*dances away*

A

 

[Mae13]

Re: When did the dating world change??

I can understand a woman stating where she is at in her life, but at the same time, I prefer any relationship I were to have with a woman not have such strong limits put on it right out of the gate.
As for time, well there are certain times in our lives where we feel that we need to get on with things and we don't have time for just being a spaceholder for someone who isn't ready for what we want. After all, if they are dating you that takes time away from their dating someone else and finding what they are seeking.
I guess you will just have to keep looking for someone who is in the same mood as you are.

I wanted to clarify a couple things here; I always know I word things just a lil wrong when I often first post something! It's not like I lead a conversation with this topic; but if someone asks me if I am "looking for a boyfriend" or whatnot...I am going to be honest with them. I say "not right now" or some such thing, and give them as much explanation on why not as they desire. Not to mention the fact that I'm going to be making a relocation to the exact opposite side of the world soon; and long distance is a killer for me personally! I know many folks do OK with it, but it's just not a strong suit for me. To me, I would much rather know right away if someone was on the same page as me. It's so they won't feel in the end that I have been a "spaceholder" that was preventing them from finding The One or whatnot...in my life I always have time for good friends, regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not. I always make sure of that! I think it would be more of a disservice to give someone the impression that if they "woo" me long enough I'll change my mind and go stark raving mad for them...I dunno...

I know the "rules" have changed regarding dating, and that's all fine and dandy (and yes, I think that "Rules" book is utter fucking crap ) I guess the difference between "hanging out" and "dating" to me is whether your intent is just to spend time and "enjoy the journey" such as Aaron mentioned versus spending time with the sole intention of developing a more intimate and potentially sexual relationship. I probably should have used a different title for that that was more fitting.

Maybe it is the "instant gratification" thing going on and I'm just noticing it more. Maybe I'm just not at that phase where I can really contemplate the issue well. Maybe I'm just tired of living in this backwards place and meeting the backwards men that live here, lol!

Aaarrrgghhh...now I remember why I try not to think about this issue much, lol.

Wait, I know...I'm just too picky! Whaddya mean there aren't any outdoorsy/computer geek/bad boy/cuddly tattoo artist flight attendant masseuses that are sex fiends?! DAMN!!! That's all I want....

Mae

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Re: When did the dating world change??

I wanted to clarify a couple things here; I always know I word things just a lil wrong when I often first post something!

Okay - I misunderstood; it sounded like you were saying this during dates.

Wait, I know...I'm just too picky! Whaddya mean there aren't any outdoorsy/computer geek/bad boy/cuddly tattoo artist flight attendant masseuses that are sex fiends?! DAMN!!! That's all I want....

Well except for the bad boy/cuddly tattoo artist/flight attendant portion I qualify for the rest. I am a rascal, but in a cute mischevious little boy way, not the James Dean/Marlon Brando way.

 

[Ice Cold]

Basically Mae it comes down to this...

Mae: I just want to be friends.
Man hears: I really enjoy being with you.

Mae: I'm not looking for a relationship
Man: Cool not stings attached... just sex

Mae: Hello
Man thinking: She wants me to drop my BVD's

Mae: (talking)
Man: (thinking) Man she is so hot... Just look at that body... those eyes... that ass.... Oh yeah I gotta get me some of that.... Uh Oh she's looking up at me. Time to nod and agree with her.... now what was she saying?

Hard to find the right person out there who does actually listen to you, and respect what you are really saying to them. Good luck with the search.

 

[Mae13]

Well fuck it!

You're right ice cold...who am I fooling? Time to drop the search and go back to the fun ways!

Cheap sex party at Mae's house! Just tell me your name first, ok? I don't wanna scream out the wrong one for the neighbors at that crucial time...

First one to make me cum 5 times wins my heart.

*gets nekkid*
Mae

Heehee...

 

[latinocutie19]

Don't worry hun!!!

Mae-
Sweetie, dont sweat it...I've got to be in the worlds shittiest relationship, and i use the week to have my own "me time"...i know EXACTLY what you mean!!!!! Hey, my best advice to you would be...hmm...if what you want is an orgasm...then go for it...if not, then fuck...use your "me time" and fuck whatever anyone else says or how they act....trust me....in time, a mate will see you have values and that you value yourself and "me time"....and DAMM! when THAT happens...its THE BEST bedtime ever!!! lol!
;-)

Go girl!!!