When being a dom is a lifestyle or hobbie

[FoxyForestFire]

how did you know when you wanted to change your life to be a dom and what did you do to alter yourl life like that?

 

[Richard49]

how did you know when you wanted to change your life to be a dom and what did you do to alter yourl life like that?

My first experence I was 15 years old
I did not know there was a lifestyle
till I was 24 and had been living it for
9 years

There are at lest two current threads dealing with this question

 

[A Desert Rose]

I am not a Domme and of course, not a Dom... lol but I would like to address this topic.

Men with dominate tendencies (some call them alpha-males) are very easy to discern. It's a personality type... not a choice one makes. It is not a lifestyle nor is it a hobbie. It is that which makes one person what he is inside. Just as some of us are introverted and shy... some men are dominant. And the definition of dominant is as different as any one here. Everyone has an idea what that means to them.

And that is just my opinion based on my observations. ;-) Thank you for indulging me.

 

[psiberzerker]

I am a dominant personality, it's part of who I am, not an act, nor a fascade. Regardless of what I do in bed, that doesn't change. I don't mind the weekenders, or actors, I don't think I'm any better for it, but I wouldn't classify my manipulative mentality as a lifestyle, or a hobby just as I wouldn't characterise my sexuality that way. It cheapens it somehow, though many people do it to themselves.

 

[DiannaVesta]

When I was 13 it was obvious that I was different then most girls. I use to lie on a blanket in a field, draw pictures, write stories and fantasize that I was a Queen living back during the Roman Empire. I had men and women servants waiting on my hand and foot. Every time I’d get pissed off at someone, my family, friends, school – I’d include them in my next day dream. That’s what you get for messing with the Queen!

My spontaneity and aggressive personality didn’t mellow as I grew older. I just realized more about life and the secret women have. That I could get anything I wanted and that if I figured out how men worked, I’d own their souls. It was a game for me since I was, even then primarily lesbian. It wasn’t until later, when I really discovered the scene that I began exploring submissive men. I fund their energy much more complimentary. This doesn’t man that I don’t have dominant men friends; it was a sexual/spiritual connection for me.

So I guess I dabbled for a long time before actually taking then plunge. I learned a lot from gay leather men & lifestyle friends; however I honestly believe that I was born to be who I am today. I have a special gift of being able to connect to someone’s energy to feed and derive from it. My spiritual foundation gave me an insight into the complexities often found in BDSM/Fetish. My style was developed this way. I’m an erotic and creative person. You can’t teach this to someone. In my opinion I’ve seen player who have great technique and then players who are artful.

I wanted to explore all types of people and decided to go professional. I was able to scene with all types of people; gay, couples, heavy masochist, etc. The lifestyle naturally fell into place. I had slaves coming and going. A few lived in but I prefer them coming and leaving. I moved through a time where I needed many people to fill my complexities. I enjoyed teaching and even today I teach and consult.

I spent probably 6 years in full blown lifestyle mode. I then backed up and took a serious break. It was like my world was an alternate reality: one I created and when I did step into public I felt out of place. It was weird. I actually hated going to the store. I felt safe in my world and extremely comfortable. I began to realize that this probably wasn’t healthy and that I needed more balance.

I still ran my sites, talked to people and did some writing. After a few years I really began to miss all the interaction. I decided to take on new slaves but not as live-in’s. I also enjoy a somewhat vanilla relationship with a woman. We get pretty wild, use toys, etc. but it doesn’t have the dynamic I have with my slaves.

The lifestyle isn’t for everyone and we all have our own ideas on what we need from BDSM. I don’t believe that my way is the only way nor do I need BDSM to be my entire world. Its part of my life, a special part, but I don’t feel the need to have it consume me as it did back in the old days. I’m much more light-hearted and add a lot of fun and humor to my play. I don’t need to be Queen anymore. Instead I’m happy knowing that I’m a Goddess. <smile>

This is probably going to be a cross-post to Other Sex. I’m sure this question will come up. I’d love to hear more from people who are living the lifestyle 24/7 and if it’s different then my experiences.


Dianna Vesta

 

[ownedsubgal]

I am not a Domme and of course, not a Dom... lol but I would like to address this topic.

Men with dominate tendencies (some call them alpha-males) are very easy to discern. It's a personality type... not a choice one makes. It is not a lifestyle nor is it a hobbie. It is that which makes one person what he is inside. Just as some of us are introverted and shy... some men are dominant. And the definition of dominant is as different as any one here. Everyone has an idea what that means to them.

And that is just my opinion based on my observations. ;-) Thank you for indulging me.

agreed agreed agreed. just as with submissiveness, Dominance is innate and simply a part of one's personality...not a choice or a conscious decision.

 

[Netzach]

It took me a long time to find the power in me, I still don't really like the term Dominance because it deals with power only as it relates to another, alpha-has-beta. I don't see myself as alpha or beta, more the lone wolf who does her own thing. It has taken years for me to overcome the environment I grew up in, to realize that my decisions are sound ones, that I can make choices for myself and not fuck up my life. Even more, that other people *admire* the choices and the insights, that they have worth to people and that people are willing to take my advice and listen to me. In this sense, I have a service mentality, I belive that Dominants must be servants of the greater good, and it's not about some cute way to get your own way.

This has been harder for me to acheive than for other people, perhaps, but once learned, I've not looked back.

My model is more based on the fact that I have power, the internal power in me that's been there since the get go, and that HOW I use this autonomy can stand as an example and a welcoming environment to other people. (Submissives.) This autonomy and power is not above and beyond anyone else's, at best I want it to be a beacon for a submissive, only revered as it is worthy of being revered. I want the submissive to discover and honor the same powers within himself or herself in the act of subordinating, in the process.

I teach, I mentor, I challenge. If I have power over my submissives, it's no more and no less the power than I have earned over time. I view all backtalk, dysfunction, and insubordination as a clue that I'm not doing something right. 9 times in 10 that's what it is, so naturally, punishment is not really a key element of discipline in my world, rather, we examine, we refine, we get better.

 

[lancemanyon]

It took me a long time to find the power in me.....

That's not power, that's a sickness. If you want to get off on beating someone, why not pick on someone who can fight back?

Just another predator on this website.....

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I have a Dominant personality. I am not sure about a 24-7 relationship, but I wouldn't call my play a 'hobby'. I would call it an occasional expression of my inner self.

 

[Netzach]

Yes, lance, I prey on all the hordes of fine young ladies who have bothered to answer my one ISO post.

I beat them mercilessly, which is why I spend so much time talking about limits and safewords and communication. Which is why I spend so much time hyping submissive assertiveness and autonomy.

Find someone else to bait, or at least bother to read me.

 

[psiberzerker]

I'd like to interject that the alpha-male theory origonally applied to pack animals, and primates with harems. With the exeption of some Arabs, and Mormons, that doesn't really apply here.
Natural dominant personality is not so common as our social programming would like us to believe. Men are not neccisarilly more domminant than women, just as the female isn't required to be subjugated.
As for the Alpha-male theory, New-cow theory, Brood-mare thoery, or anything else based on observations of the animal world, spare me. We are human, most of us, and less governed by instinct. Sure, the impulses are there, but a rational mind can overcome them. That's what keeps most men from being rapists, we ignore the natural impulse to take the attractive female as our ancestors would, with a knock over the head, and a drag by the hair.
We've evolved for christ's sake, if anything, bdsm is just a throw back to the atrophied and obsclescent instincts.
Oh, and lance, you can quit with the "Just another"s, they're getting stale. We need just another "just another" around here about as much as just another guilt ridden jesus chrispy with his nuts in a bunch. Relax, I promise you won't go to hell for it.

 

[emer]

alpha female here!

I, personally, love the pack animal analogy. (comes from living with wolf/husky, wolf/malamute, and shephard mixes)

For the last 30 years I've been the Alpha Female in all of my relationships. With parents, friends, lovers, children, and pets. Not so much a leader, but someone who trusts the leader, who can nip, lick, teach, tease, cajole, and otherwise force others to do what the leader wants. So long as I agreed with the leader what was best for the pack ... the pack being family or sports team or co-workers.

Now the focus has shifted. Still want to be alpha-female. Don't even mind a "harem" so long as I am top sub dog. LOL ... can anyone see why I'm confused? I keep being attracted to and being attracted by seemingly wonderful Men who already have the top sub. aaarrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DiannaVesta]

Re: alpha female here!

Now the focus has shifted. Still want to be alpha-female. Don't even mind a "harem" so long as I am top sub dog. LOL ... can anyone see why I'm confused? I keep being attracted to and being attracted by seemingly wonderful Men who already have the top sub. aaarrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is a bitch emer! Isn't it funny how we toy with dynamics?

 

[FoxyForestFire]

*bump*

 

[JazzManJim]

Dominance is innate and simply a part of one's personality...not a choice or a conscious decision.

I entirely disagree because I've not always been a Dominant, nor have I always had a Dominant personality. I decided, years ago (while I was in my early to mid 20s), that I did not like the introverted nature in me and I decided to change it. I did a lot of research: books on personality, biographies of leaders and entertainers, talking in depth to people who had the qualities I wanted. In time, I was able to incorporate those traits I wanted into who I am right now.

That development was a conscious decision. Remaining the person I am is also a conscious decision because I am, at heart, an introverted - even shy - person. I find myself in situations every day where I have to assert the Dominant and extroverted qualities in me to overcome the reflexive introverted behavior I would otherwise exhibit.

Dominance (in the BDSM sense) has always been an extension of those things I've incorporated and I found that I enjoyed that far more than any other expression of my sexuality or personality. About five years ago, I found the BDSM community online and relized that there was a name for the way I felt and other people who enjoyed life in the same ways I did. I dove into learning more about it like a duck takes to water and I've never looked back.

 

[zipman]

BDSM was something that I realized I liked and that I tried to incorporate into my relationships as I got older.

Gradually, I realized that it was a part of my sexuality that needed to be expressed. I am much happier now that I have embraced it, and have a partner who loves it as well.

 

[Ebonyfire]

The Vice Versa Gang

Vanilla is my hobby.

Or is it called dabbling in vanilla?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: The Vice Versa Gang

Vanilla is my hobby.

Or is it called dabbling in vanilla?

It's called dipping, I think...with a cherry on top?

 

[FoxyForestFire]

with sprinkles on top?

 

[FungiUg]

I'm definately a hobbiest. I enjoy it heaps, and spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, chatting, talking and doing. But... it's not my lifestyle. The only leather I own is a jacket, shoes and a belt. I don't own any BDSM jewellery. I don't have a live-in sub. And mostly my relationships are non-BDSM.

 

[psiberzerker]

Truly, dominant personality isn't neccisarilly intrinsic, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one capable of altering theirs. A lot of Dom/mes out there are intrinsicly submissive in real life, and play the other end as a sort of catharsis. I've met, and played with a few, and think they're healtier for it.
BDSM is a many spendered thing, and every time I think I've scene it all, something new rears it's ugly little head. I don't pretend to know everything about anything, and people who do really piss me off.