When a slave breaks your trust...

[Laoghaire]

I've been training a slave as of late. Quite eager and excels in his tasks I'm asking him to perform. We have an online relationship and everything was fine until he took the liberty ~without telling me~ to seek the services of another Domme to cater to his LIVE needs. The Domme he chose is someone I know. She immediately told me and have hence punished him and spoke to him about trust.

I had asked him to be honest with me from the start. That if he needed anything, he should come to me and yet he didn't. I feel the trust we have built for a while has been shattered by his trangression. Like I said, I've already punished him (because honestly, he could've asked me first *before* seeking the services of another Domme. I probably would've granted it to him).

So my question is how do you rebuild that trust? And is there such thing as forgiveness in BDSM?

 

[Mr Blonde]

It's one thing to talk or have preliminary discussions online, but how can someone you've never met be your slave?

 

[RJMasters]

I've been training a slave as of late. Quite eager and excels in his tasks I'm asking him to perform. We have an online relationship and everything was fine until he took the liberty ~without telling me~ to seek the services of another Domme to cater to his LIVE needs. The Domme he chose is someone I know. She immediately told me and have hence punished him and spoke to him about trust.

I had asked him to be honest with me from the start. That if he needed anything, he should come to me and yet he didn't. I feel the trust we have built for a while has been shattered by his trangression. Like I said, I've already punished him (because honestly, he could've asked me first *before* seeking the services of another Domme. I probably would've granted it to him).

So my question is how do you rebuild that trust? And is there such thing as forgiveness in BDSM?

Of course there is forgiveness in BDSM, just like in any other relationship, and yes it is just as hard to give and get past as in any relationship.

Question, did you find out the reason he did it? Its prolly not enough in this case to punish the behavior, and there prolly isn't any chance to rebuild trust if you do not know why he did it. How will you know he won't do it again? That's why unless you get to the bottom of "why" he did it, you will never beabel to get past "That" he did it.

Just remember that when asking any question, be prepared for the answer as sometimes there is truth we often have to face. This never excuses the wrong they might have done, but it does mean, to be able to restore and build trust again, something may need to change in him and also in you.

I wrote a thread about dealing with guilt, and within it is something I call the cleansing process. Perhaps reading that might offer some help in your current situaltion.

Dealing with guilt - Cleansing prccess

I hope that you are able to salvage the relationship and through it make the bond of trust stronger than it was before.

Good luck to you

 

[graceanne]

Ok, 4 years ago I caught my husband in bed with my best friend. Talk about a break of trust. But we are still married, and our marriage is strong. What I've learned about forgiveness is this, it's a matter of will and time. (I'm not tlaking about rebuilding trust - that's just a matter of time.) You will not be able to forgive them if you are undecided. After me and Kenny talked, and decided that we would try and work things out I said that while I didn't forgive him, that I would. And what that means is that I didn't bring it up in every fight. I didn't use it to win fights, etc. I decided to forgive him. Now granted, I'm pretty strong willed. I generally do what I set out to do.

As to the trust thing, well I'm not so sure how to do that in an e-relationship. With me, I can watch him, and make sure he's not spending time with my friends, and things like that. I dont' know if I would trust him again if I didn't have that. . . safety net.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you two.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm with Mr. Blonde on this, but also realise it is my biased view based on the understanding I connect to the role of slave, and my own decision long ago that while meeting online is a great way to begin, it is not for me a complete and binding relationship unless there is a significant move toward making it realtime. Sounds from your statement he said he needed another to fulfil his live needs that he also is not satisfied with logging on daily and cybering as the total experience of BDSM or D/s he needs.

Is this by chance the one you said in a recent thread was hopeless and aggravatting IYO? If so, it could be as many said that there were serious issues of incompatibility and communication to begin with, and that is why he has ventured further. I know in my own experience if someone does not come across as being more than a player to me, doesn't share a connection with me that makes it feel real, I am not going to treat it the same as I would a realtime or serious relationship, hence I do not feel I have a bond with them nor they with me....and there are many out there who are more than happy to play online and fantasize, but it isn't always enough for others.

As to forgiveness, it exists, but for me it also would not work very well online only. Once someone broke my trust in that medium I would not have anything stable on which to rebuild, nor do I think I would bother trying unless it was something which was going to possibly be real in the long term and showed signs of being worth the energy and pain. Unfortunately, online is there for all to enjoy and participate in, but there are many who play there who see it just as that, play with no reality to base anything on and act accordingly.

Catalina

 

[Laoghaire]

I know the reason why he's done it. He has a profound desire to perform his tasks before me and he feels the distance between Canada & USA a bit far. I will agree to the fact that we're not necessarily close but I do see it feasible one day. See, if he would have asked me, then I probably would've granted his request. I see no problem with my slave wanting to cater to his "Live" needs.

To answer Mr Blonde's question. I don't necessarily need to meet a person face to face to know whether I click with them or not. Some of my best friends are with people I've never met because most of them are in the Uk and yet, I have known them for 4-5 years and consider them very good friends. The same applies to this particular slave. Granted we haven't known each other that long but there's definitely a connection between us.

We've agreed to let the ashes cool off and see if we actually can move on. Prospects look good. I think he's fueled by the idea that we will meet face to face someday.

 

[TigerClaw]

Yes there is forgiveness

But the one that broke the trust needs to show real effort in wanting and gaining that trust back.

If not, dont waste any time. Get rid of the baggage if the effort is not seen rather quickly.