whatsitallabout

[travelboy]

BDSM - i just cant get my head around it.

I have some friends into it but its never held any appeal for me. WHy explore that side of your personality? Just becuase things are do-able doesnt necessarily mean there is merit in it.

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

If its beause normal intercourse doesnt do it for you - then maybe its time to focus on becoming mores senstive to the basics rather than heightening the stimullus - just a quesiton

NOw this is no soapbox - believe me - but i thought i would contextualise my first comment with some additional thoughts .

Can you guys give me some inisghts here. THis is a fairdinkum question.

 

[sensuella]

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

Exactly, it should be about honouring ourselves.

It's all about a need in you.

For me living without something I felt I needed was diminishing. Hiding those needs made me feel small and unworthy.

Now, my Master, by giving me what I need, domination, makes me feel precious and safe. My needs are filled and every day, I learn a bit more about myself, I grow. He respects my needs, he respects my thoughts, I can be me.

It's not about merit. It's about you and what you need, if you need.

 

[museofdragon]

Your wrote: Just becuase things are do-able doesnt necessarily mean there is merit in it.

This is true. But just because you do not understand it or would not enjoy it yourself, does not mean that it is meritless. Merit is a subjective term in this sense. The old trash/treasure thing.

How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

i can only speak from a submissive point of view and for myself, but i do not feel that belonging to Dragon diminishes me in any way. If i did, i would be somewhere else. i am loved, cherished, and cared for in many ways that make my soul sing with joy. How is that diminishing?

If its beause normal intercourse doesnt do it for you - then maybe its time to focus on becoming mores senstive to the basics rather than heightening the stimullus - just a quesiton

First of all, you seem to be acting on the assumption that it is all about sex. Just like any realtionship, sex is an integral part. Sex is the icing on the cake, not the whole cake, nor the 5 course gourmet meal that comes before the sweet. It is more than sex. It is an entire mindset.

Second, exactly how do you define "normal" when used in conjunction with the word "intercourse"? Normal for whom? How many people have to practice a particular thing before it recieves the approving stamp of "NORMAL"?

You wanted insights. Here is my analogy for it: Person A likes vanilla ice cream. Person B likes Rocky Road. This does not make either one wrong or bad, just different in what they like.

For whatever reason (and there are as many reasons as there are people doing it), BDSM is just what works for us.

We are "normal" people. We work, we pay our bills, we enjoy our friends, bitch about our bosses, get stressed out and -- please don't tell anyone, it would just ruin our reputation-- sometimes we even spend an evening watching movies before a bout of what closed-minded people would call "normal intercourse". We are not continuously dressed in black leather waving crops and floggers around.

Hope i have helped, or at least not confused things further.

bon chance,
muse

 

[HottieMama]

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

Not acknowledging who i am, and what i want in a relationship diminishes me. It tells me that my needs and desires are not as valid or as worthy as anyone else's JUST because they deviate from what some psychologist deemed the "sexual norm" for our society.

i also tend to think this is one of those things you either "get" or you don't...meaning i can't convince you that serving my Dom makes me feel strong, cherished, protected, and in a way empowered. What "you" may see as degrading, might be the one thing that improves my self-esteem and helps me grow as a person. It's all about perspective.

 

[neonflux]

I think you make some remarkable assumptions about the nature of BDSM - particularly the idea that it is instrinsically about denegrating another or being denigrated. Although I think that if you watch porn, it's easy to get that idea.

I never want to denegrate my bottom when I Top - I feel protective, affectionate, and part of my desire is ultimately to build both of us up (I do tease a lot, lol). My sadism is not at odds with that, as paradoxical as that might sound to an outsider. What often looks to an outsider as degrading can actually be deeply cathartic. In their "New Topping Book," Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy have a whole chapter dedicated to "deep play" or "shadow play" that discusses how to do cathartic play safely (it is not therapy, btw, and no one who is responsible would call it such).

While this isn't true for everyone who practices BDSM, for me there is a deeply spiritual aspect that I have found nowhere else - and this makes nothing but great sense to me. Almost all of the world's "great religions" have some tradition linking spirituality and sexuality (even early/Gnostic Christianity) . They also have some tradition linking pain with spiritual states of consciousness (even Buddhism - there's nothing not painful about sitting zazen for hours). BDSM at it's best can combine both. I am switch and have been lucky enough to experience the same on both "sides of the whip" as it were.

If you want an in depth answer to that question, I would suggest spending some time here reading some of the more serious threads having to do with catharsis, emotion, commitment, spirituality, etc.

Neon

 

[Ice2000]

I think others are doing good at making the general points but I want to address one illusion you have.


A sub is not diminished by having a relationship with a Dom but strengthened by it. And the Dom also benefits. Its like 2 halves make a whole. It is also not just about sex and beatings, but about an emotional link or bond the two form.

If you don't feel it and have never experienced it, it is very hard to discribe.

 

[WriterDom]

I can't get my head around thinking about sucking some guy's penis, but I'm not going on the gay board and starting a thread about it.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm curious how the original poster developed the perception/opinion that BDSM is about making someone feel denegraded...

(Sincere question, BTW. )

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Obviously you have not traveled quite enough grasshopper. Had you done so this thread would have taken on a different tone. You sound almost accusatory and bigoted.

Just saying.

Oh sorry I edited your post. It was hurting my eyes.

BDSM - i just cant get my head around it.

I have some friends into it but its never held any appeal for me. Why explore that side of your personality? Just because things are do-able doesn't necessarily mean there is merit in it.

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

If its because normal intercourse doesn't do it for you - then maybe its time to focus on becoming mores sensitive to the basics rather than heightening the stimulus - just a question

Now this is no soapbox - believe me - but i thought i would contextualise my first comment with some additional thoughts .

Can you guys give me some insights here. This is a fairdinkum question.

 

[museofdragon]

Obviously you have not traveled quite enough grasshopper. Had you done so this thread would have taken on a different tone. You sound almost accusatory and bigoted.

Just saying.

Oh sorry I edited your post. It was hurting my eyes.

Almost?

 

[CutieMouse]

I'd say more ill informed or ignorant than, accusatory or bigoted.

I do hope the OP returns; these sorts of conversations fascinate me- it's that whole discussing a sociological-examination-of-how-we-define-"the norm" thing.

 

[nh23]

.....

 

[Ebonyfire]

An Observation

I have noticed that when someone has a negative opinion of BDSM and/or D/s, they start a thread that is sure to piss off the participants.

I think that if a person is truly interested in learning why people do the things that they do, they would take the time to post a positive thread.

We can always ask why many traditional or vanilla relationships require the denigration of one partner over another, often in a non-consentual way.

BDSM or D/s is an consentual relationship between two adults. Whether you do not understand it or not, the fact still remains that the people involve choose to participate.

Eb

 

[Bandit58]

I'm curious how the original poster developed the perception/opinion that BDSM is about making someone feel denegraded...

(Sincere question, BTW. )

I suspect the OP has come across the humiliation aspects of some BDSM play.

For me, humiliation is a hard limit and is not a place we care to go. In fact, Master is attempting to build up my self esteem, which at times can be quite rocky. This relationship is the best one I have ever been in, we complement each other and I've finally found my place in the great scheme of things

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I can't get my head around thinking about sucking some guy's penis, but I'm not going on the gay board and starting a thread about it.

I have noticed that when someone has a negative opinion of BDSM and/or D/s, they start a thread that is sure to piss off the participants.

I think that if a person is truly interested in learning why people do the things that they do, they would take the time to post a positive thread.

We can always ask why many traditional or vanilla relationships require the denigration of one partner over another, often in a non-consentual way.

BDSM or D/s is an consentual relationship between two adults. Whether you do not understand it or not, the fact still remains that the people involve choose to participate.

Eb

WD and Eb both make some excellent points here.

 

[curiositykitten]

BDSM - i just cant get my head around it.

I have some friends into it but its never held any appeal for me. WHy explore that side of your personality?

I do hope you have a genuine interest in expanding your mind and return to review these comments made by experienced folks. I must admit before coming to this site with an open mind of curiosity, I was very much against the whole idea of BDSM and my thinking was similar to yours. BUT I have discovered through reading, talking, learning and experimenting that many of us have these tendencies within us that may enhance a connection to our partner. While I am not into anything hurtful or violent, I would get a lot out of being dominated, told what to do, having what I want most withheld, and then being praised and rewarded. As a woman in authority and control professionally, it would be so nice to be able to surrender myself to someone sometimes - completely to their will. And in turn, I would get so much pleasure from that. Why do I want to explore my submissive personality? Because it's part of who I am and very sensual, and I want to know myself better in every way! Realizing who I am releases inhibitions and restraint and allows me a greater degree of pleasure, as well as builds my confidence in and understanding of who I am as a woman.

And you have to realize everyone can always say "no" when they reach their limits. And there are many different degrees of BDSM. There is nothing wrong with consensual experimenting and exploring. When it comes down to it, sex should be FUN and I applaud couples who find ways to keep it exciting! And if it's not for you, nobody is forcing it on you - but let those who do enjoy it have their fun! It's not even like second-hand smoke: there's absolutely no effect on you. I'm afraid your attitude is my greatest fear when it comes to finding a way to meet my newly discovered desires with a real life partner. The thoughts you express seek to make me feel like a bad person just because I want to try something new, so I'm not sure how I would ever even approach the subject for fear of finding more judgment.

 

[satindesire]

Please don't feed the trolls.

 

[FurryFury]

BDSM - i just cant get my head around it.

I have some friends into it but its never held any appeal for me. WHy explore that side of your personality? Just becuase things are do-able doesnt necessarily mean there is merit in it.

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

If its beause normal intercourse doesnt do it for you - then maybe its time to focus on becoming mores senstive to the basics rather than heightening the stimullus - just a quesiton

NOw this is no soapbox - believe me - but i thought i would contextualise my first comment with some additional thoughts .

Can you guys give me some inisghts here. THis is a fairdinkum question.

When you are someone or with someone who is into kink, you are honoring them and/or yourself by following the natural needs of those people not diminishing them at all.

Let me put it this way:

The apple asks the orange, "How can you be into being an orange? I mean all that sour is B-A-D. You have some sweet but that other is just so wrong."

The orange says, "How can I be other than I am? Without the sour, I can't taste the sweetness. The sweetness alone is nothing to me."

Fury

 

[Ebonyfire]

Please don't feed the trolls.

Ah but what do we feed them, lol?

The truth.

Eb

 

[HottieMama]

When you are someone or with someone who is into kink, you are honoring them and/or yourself by following the natural needs of those people not diminishing them at all.

Let me put it this way:

The apple asks the orange, "How can you be into being an orange? I mean all that sour is B-A-D. You have some sweet but that other is just so wrong."

The orange says, "How can I be other than I am? Without the sour, I can't taste the sweetness. The sweetness alone is nothing to me."

Fury

Fury...i love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rosco rathbone]

BDSM - i just cant get my head around it.

I have some friends into it but its never held any appeal for me. WHy explore that side of your personality? Just becuase things are do-able doesnt necessarily mean there is merit in it.

Surely every act in our life should ideally be about honouring ourselves and those we choose to share our time with - ie.making each other feel bigger. How do you grow someone by diminishing them or allowing themselves to explore diminishing themselves.

If its beause normal intercourse doesnt do it for you - then maybe its time to focus on becoming mores senstive to the basics rather than heightening the stimullus - just a quesiton

NOw this is no soapbox - believe me - but i thought i would contextualise my first comment with some additional thoughts .

Can you guys give me some inisghts here. THis is a fairdinkum question.

Sexual rage, for me. I was an excellent conventional lover, with everything that implies about the sensitivity to the basics, the coconut butter, and the barry white. Making women o to me was child's play. Yet my lovers always had the same question: "it seems as if you want to hurt me" and they were right.

 

[Etoile]

Just becuase things are do-able doesnt necessarily mean there is merit in it.

How about sailing? Is there merit in sailing? All you're doing is floating around on the ocean. Why isn't staying on land good enough for you? Maybe you should pay more attention to the beauty of trees and flowers rather than going out on the water where there's nothing to look at, aren't trees and flowers good enough for you? What possible benefit is there to sailing, since it doesn't make babies or help the homeless or cure cancer?

 

[FurryFury]

Fury...i love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks!



Fury

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

<bows to The Fury & Etoile> Such eloquence.

... humiliation is ... not a place we care to go. In fact, Master is attempting to build up my self esteem ... This relationship is the best one I have ever been in, we complement each other and I've finally found my place in the great scheme of things.

Ditto this. Very much so. I have never found such peace as I do with my Master. (And I'm a person who stresses out a LOT!) He truly does feel like the half of me that's been missing all this time.

 

[MechaBlade]

How about sailing? Is there merit in sailing? All you're doing is floating around on the ocean. Why isn't staying on land good enough for you? Maybe you should pay more attention to the beauty of trees and flowers rather than going out on the water where there's nothing to look at, aren't trees and flowers good enough for you? What possible benefit is there to sailing, since it doesn't make babies or help the homeless or cure cancer?

Sailing diminishes the ocean.