what's "wrong" with this poem?

[WickedEve]

By the way, I don't need tactful comments. So skip the bullshit and help me out.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--
contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

sleek, ribald creature.

 

[WickedEve]

Ah, I think I see one problem. Too little story here. Some good lines but the poem needs fleshing out with a few regular lines that aren't cluttered with contretemps and ne plus ultra. Yes?

 

[Liar]

Ah, I think I see one problem. Too little story here. Some good lines but the poem needs fleshing out with a few regular lines that aren't cluttered with contretemps and ne plus ultra. Yes?

Pretty much yes. It's linguistically pretty. But I haven't got even the foggiest idea what it is you're aiming at.

I think you are trying to say something, but at the moment, all I see are abstrtacts.

Best 'o lux.

#L

 

[WickedEve]

Pretty much yes. It's linguistically pretty. But I haven't got even the foggiest idea what it is you're aiming at.

I think you are trying to say something, but at the moment, all I see are abstrtacts.

Best 'o lux.

#L

Thanks. By the way, you can ignore my PM that asked pretty much the same question. lol

 

[*Catbabe*]

As it is , it holds little meaning for me because although it has interesting language, it seems to lack specifics to build meaning on and therefore connect with me as a reader.


But I am also conscious that you and I have very different writing styles and that I may well be on crack.


Gotta love it when you over- think an answer and in the meantime someone quick-brained (Liar) answers before you.

 

[WickedEve]

As it is , it holds little meaning for me because although it has interesting language, it seems to lack specifics to build meaning on and therefore connect with me as a reader.


But I am also conscious that you and I have very different writing styles and that I may well be on crack.

Hmmm, another case of me knowing what I'm talking about but not the reader. That's when the poet is at fault. Okay, this was a suddenly poem from last night, and I should have tucked it away for a few days.
I think I'll build around what I have, and try again.

 

[*Catbabe*]

Hmmm, another case of me knowing what I'm talking about but not the reader. That's when the poet is at fault. Okay, this was a suddenly poem from last night, and I should have tucked it away for a few days.
I think I'll build around what I have, and try again.

Not entirely true. I have an idea of what you are talking about but I think the poem would have more impact if I didn't feel like it was hazy because if what I think it means is true, well, hazy or fuzzy aren't words that would go with that moment.

There is a contradiction between the specific sharp words you have chosen and the fuzzy picture they paint, for me anyway. As always, that's just my opnion.

 

[WickedEve]

specific sharp words you have chosen and the fuzzy picture they paint,

It really needs another stanza or two. Usually, I won't bother with a poem like this. I'll leave it alone and move on, but I think I can work with this one.

 

[flyguy69]

Unhelpful?

Is is of no value to say I like it just as it is?

I derive an image from it, I like the language, it is not cliche, and it is posted next to a picture of a woman in a tub of suds. What's not to like?

 

[Tathagata]

i got the idea you were talking about a naked lady someplace she shouldnt be....

but, as Cat said, it's kinda fuzzy

I mean I like fuzzy naked ladies but.....


and this verse just seems......awkward for you


titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--


it's worth screwing with
i like the idea and some of the words....

 

[Guest]

By the way, I don't need tactful comments. So skip the bullshit and help me out.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--
contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

sleek, ribald creature.

Scary.... that just reminds me of my director's snotty wife.

I think I understand what you're saying here. A high society little snob who looks down on others and protects herself with nasty things she says, which also raises herself up higher?

Hmm.

"thorning from her hide--" Paints a picture, but it doesn't read right to me. Maybe it's the word thorning? or thorning from?

Interesting poem... I like the "swift nude"


- neo

 

[wildsweetone]

Originally posted by WickedEve
By the way, I don't need tactful comments. So skip the bullshit and help me out.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--
contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

sleek, ribald creature.

The first stanza I have an image of a nude statue entwined with barbed wire, perhaps around the thighs or over the genital area - re the shock factor (though it could be a thorny rose bush).

'titillates those less stunned'
okay I can see that I am interested and not shocked at the image.

'by bare contretemps'
I had to look up 'contretemps'
do you mean 'by bared contretemps'?

Is ne plus ultra something like 'creme de la creme'? (I've not heard the former phrase before.)

Not sure any of that helped, but it is my tuppeny worth. Maybe knowing the kind of images we are seeing will help you define your language.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Eve-

For what is worth, the poem works wonders for me. I get a clear images and understand their meaning, especially coupled with the title-

The words are appropriately sharp and biting, and the picture I see isn't as much fuzzy as it is... hm... ribald.

 

[Remec]

Ah, I think I see one problem. Too little story here. Some good lines but the poem needs fleshing out with a few regular lines that aren't cluttered with contretemps and ne plus ultra. Yes?

Perhaps...<nod>

I have a slight problem with the way ne plus ultra rolls through the line as you say it...maybe epitome might flow better? Or even apex, although that has fewer syllables to it...

<going back to rereading the poem and seeing what others have written about it>

 

[jthserra]

I wonder if perhaps

it's not a bit too stark... Not so much lacking story but it just felt stilited, a problem I worry about when I trim down a poem.


society streak
by WickedEve ©

she is a swift nude,
an armature of barbs
thorns from her hide--
in a contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

a sleek, ribald creature.


just a few articles seem to make the first stanza flow better... I guess. Just a thought...


jim : )

 

[robynwildchild]

i'm not sure what is goin on ...

like are you describing a girl and her affect on people.. its a bit vague

 

[CharleyH]

By the way, I don't need tactful comments. So skip the bullshit and help me out.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--
contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

sleek, ribald creature.

Cheeky! LOL

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: I wonder if perhaps

it's not a bit too stark... Not so much lacking story but it just felt stilited, a problem I worry about when I trim down a poem.


society streak
by WickedEve ©

she is a swift nude,
an armature of barbs
thorns from her hide--
in a contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

a sleek, ribald creature.



just a few articles seem to make the first stanza flow better... I guess. Just a thought...


jim : )

i think the changes jim suggests are extremely helpful to the poem.

 

[Ovidius]

The lack of a consistent metre. It starts off very well with dactyls and trochees, but then it loses its way. The "ne plus ultra" is iambic!

Falling meters such as these (trochees and dactyls) are hard to use in English as the language better lends itself to the opposite: the iamb. So since you are writing in English I would recommend using iambic pentameter (as Shakespeare, Milton and Dryden did, and did for a good reason).

 

[average gina]

By the way, I don't need tactful comments. So skip the bullshit and help me out.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--
contempt that shocks,

titillates those less stunned
by bare contretemps.
she is the ne plus ultra
of impropriety--

sleek, ribald creature.

Just me... but the one thing that I saw that was weird was the breaking in the non-bold. Should that be separate and together? Otherwise, I'm okay with it.

That coming from a person that has to read some poems three or four times over a week to get themg.

 

[Daisy May]

It's nice to see these comments of help and support even though it's not for me. I haven't submitted anything yet and just checking out the forums, but hope to very soon when I start feeling more comfortable.

society streak
by WickedEve ©

a swift nude,
armature of barbs
thorning from her hide--


>>sleek, ribald creature.

I like how you took this and broke it down to quickly get to the message.

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you for all the comments. I'm going to leave the poem alone for now and then revise it later. At the moment, I'm not sure what I want to do with it. But I'll definitely take everything you've all said into consideration.

 

[Tathagata]

Thank you for all the comments. I'm going to leave the poem alone for now and then revise it later. At the moment, I'm not sure what I want to do with it. But I'll definitely take everything you've all said into consideration.

liar

 

[WickedEve]

liar

Um... you know me, don't you? Okay, I was being polite. I've lost interest in the poem, but the comments will be useful for my future poems!!!

 

[Tathagata]

Um... you know me, don't you? Okay, I was being polite. I've lost interest in the poem, but the comments will be useful for my future poems!!!

that's better
LOL