What's love got to do with it; sex, that is.

[FlamingoBlue]

Recently, my son presented me with a question relating to the "strange" behavior of a young woman with whom he recently shared a bed. She was an old girlfriend that he hadn't seen for a few years. He described her as being "very cold" the day after their sexual interlude and he couldn't understand what had happened. I tried to help.

He said that the sex was consensual and that she was even the aggressor. He also said that they seemed to enjoy themselves and that he saw the experience as nothing more than raw sex. I suggested that he speak to her about her feelings since I suspected that she read more into the sex than he did.

They talked and he learned that men and women tend to look at the "meaning" of sex in diferent ways. He saw it as sex; she saw it as love.
At age 27, with his hormones raging, his old girlfriend gone, and a gorgeous consenting female sex partner readily available, it was difficult for 'lil blue to understand what love had to do with it.

So, folks, what's your thinking on this age old question on the 2nd day of the 21st century?

blue

 

[Expertise]

They CAN still be as seperate as church and state.

This view is shared by a growing number of females in my estimation. Of course, I have been totaly, embarassingly and unbelievably wrong about women many, many times before

 

[Naked Hunny]

Well what the hell maybe the reason women get confused is because many men arent upfront about what exactly they are looking for. If you are looking for a interum hot fuck tell us. If you are trying to find the woman of your dreams tell us. Dont leave us in the dark guys!

 

[Expertise]

In the case Blue was describing the communication was there or implied.... she wanted sex. He was apparently willing to oblige.

Unless he implied a deeper meaning he is certainly not in the wrong. If she assumed somethng more sigificant it was a failure in communication on her part. Silence is not an acceptance under the law.

Why should the onus be placed on the male....only NH? Women have told me "this is just about sex" and vice versa.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Interestingly, N. H.....

That is exactly what I told 'lil blue.
And that is exactly what he told the young lady.

The truth shall set you free. It may even help your sex life. The thing about sex is that it is not discussed openly and honestly. Never has, and likely, never will, except here.

blue

 

[Naked Hunny]

actually babes we arent given the full story here. if this is just about sex. why is she hanging around the next day. usually when i pull the just sex thing. Which isnt often! im usually dressed and out of there within an hour of getting up. if he is asking her to stick around or spend the day with him maybe its his feelings that are confused and shes just reading the way he is projecting what he feels

 

[Countess DeWinter]

(Putting on my flame-retardant undies...)

Sex and love are related like the beach is to the ocean.
You can stand next to the ocean. You can play in the sand. You can even dip your toes in the surf. But to have the full experience you have to really get in the water.

You can have sex with someone you don't know. It is a bodily function after all. You can have really hot sex with someone with no intention of developing feelings for them. But to experience all that sex has to offer -- all it's cracked up to be -- you gotta have the love.

Nope, I'm not saying one is wrong and one is right. But sex as a part of a loving relationship is MORE than sex as a hot one night stand or a "no feelings included" arrangement. I've known men who could only have sex as a part of a relationship just as I've known women who could have unbelievable sex with a man they'd just met. There's no gender difference here

 

[FlamingoBlue]

These are the facts, folks.

"lil blue wanted companionship and, if the opporunity presented itself, he wanted to get laid. Simple as that!
There were no "I love you's" or intimations from him that there was any future in the relationship. (He lives in NYC and she lives in MI.).
The only future they had was a date the next day, and on New Years Eve, which was quite enjoyable and did not include sex.

Expertise had a very valid point. Communication is a two-way street. She never said a word, and neither did he. They let their actions speak, instead. Now, they have clarity. Sex may or may not be there for them, but at least they now understand each other.

blue

[Edited by FlamingoBlue on 01-02-2001 at 10:11 AM]

 

[SeXy ReDHeD]

why is she hanging around the next day. im usually dressed and out of there within an hour of getting up. if he is asking her to stick around or spend the day with him maybe its his feelings that are confused and shes just reading the way he is projecting what he feels

Lil Blue's case excluded for a bit (because I really don't know the facts), I have to agree with NH here. In most of my experiences with one night stands, I have never wanted anything the next day and neither has he. We said our goodbyes, maybe exchanged numbers to be nice, and then we parted ways for good. There were a couple other times where the guy cared enough to want to get to know me afterwards and he asked me to stay longer, have breakfast, go to a movie--whatever--and I knew that he wanted more.

Even if it's not explicitly said, YOU'RE HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND! And if that isn't enought to tell you from the start that the "relationship" is going nowhere, I guess the actions the next morning should say enough.

As it goes in Lil Blue's case, well... sleeping with an ex is like playing with fire: you're bound to get burned. If he told her beforehand that it was just sex, then it's the girl's problem, she shouldn't have been upset about it. But if he didn't then I think it was his fault. With exes, everything I said above goes out the window. There already ARE feelings, on one or both sides, and one of the partners is bound to get hurt. As Countess DeWinter said, love and sex are intermingled. You can have them separately for a time, but once they've become entwined they can't be separated again... especially for women. It's funny; men complain about how women are like that ALL the time and yet they still claim that they "didn't know" after sleeping with and hurting a girl.

Anyway... just my two cents here.

[Edited by SeXy ReDHeD on 01-02-2001 at 10:12 AM]

 

[fgarvb1]

if i may dip my oar into the water... so to speak..

sometimes people just do not want to be alone. sometimes people just get horny and sometimes things just go futher
than they were intended. sometimes people confuse sex with love and/or being intimate. i was one of these people for a long time. i have found that a large percent of the population has this trouble. just how much i do not know; no doubt it was not taught at their home or in school.

i do know most of the time if a person asks for what they need or want and are real about it; their odds are good.

assuming they have met the right person that is.
as none of us are mind readers communition is required..
a little window dressing will not hurt at all.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Not having had sex outside of the StudMuffin in quite some time, well, I don't know the answer to that. However, I've been watching a female friend of mine playing musical beds lately. It always happens the same.

1) They meet. We're just friends, I'm not looking for a steady sweetie.

2) They have sex, or go on the first date and have sex. I just want some fun, friendship with benefits. Can you eat? What size dick do you have?

3) The next day. Has he called? Should I call him? I gave him my cell number, my work number, my home number, my friend's number, your number (I didn't tell him you were a porn queen so shush), and all nine of my email addresses. I'm going to call him.

4) The day after that. More sex happened the night before. Oooh, I can really like this guy! Really! I think he's The One. I hope he calls, oh he just has to call. Maybe I should call him.

5) He doesn't call. She's in tears and pissed off. He calls a week or two later wanting to get together, never realizing she'd already had them married off with children in her mind.

Hypothesis: Based on my observations of this subject and her equally love falling roommate, the female grows some sort of emotional bond when having sex. She either starts thinking she loves him, or she starts hating him. Depends on a few factors, his prowess, his ability to eat, the size of his cock, the size of his bank account, what sort of car he drives, if he has a regular job, if he pays for the date, and if he returns phone calls or makes calls on his own. To the male, love and sex are different things, to the female, she can't have sex without having some sort of emotional rush, which is usually misattributed to love. Of course, there are exceptions to this observation.

 

[Never]

Blue:
"They talked and he learned that men and women tend to look at the "meaning" of sex in different ways. He saw it as sex; she saw it as love."
He's 27 and he's just figuring out that men and women tend to think of sex differently?

Expertise:
"Unless he implied a deeper meaning he is certainly not in the wrong. If she assumed something more significant it was a failure in communication on her part. Silence is not an acceptance under the law."
This isn't a rape trial, no one has to be 'right' or 'wrong.' If anything, both of them were wrong, he about what she wanted and she about what he wanted - that's miscommunication on both of their parts.

Human relations are slippery things there is no Section 5.3-Paragraph 4 which states that unless someone says 'I love you' sex is only for sex anymore than there's a bylaw that if you sleep with a woman you have to love her (or at least marry her).

Society gives men and women two different reference points and everyone comes at a situation from different perspectives. If for her sex is about expressing love it may be difficult to believe that that's not the way everyone sees it. And if it's an expression of love it just might be that she has feelings for lil' Blue which she assumed he shared.

Both of them were foolish in a completely human and understandable way.

 

[Young Knave]

Come on.

What are guys supposed to do, tell woman that we only are interested in sex before the dirty deed? Nobody talks like that, and they would think us a bit strange if any of us did. I think its usually pretty obvious based on the circumstances whether its sex for its own sake or something more. The problem comes due to wishfull thinking on the part of women. You know, if you just met a guy at a bar, then its probably not love.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Another cent and a half

Young Knave, I understand your point--and some people probably would be turned off by it. However, if you aren't able to express your actual feelings about the situation without spoiling the mood, then there is something dishonest about the whole thing. Hooking up is a dance, and I know that some people like to misrepresent themselves in order to gain a little temporary companionship. However, if your partner doesn't know the dance, they can only follow you--and if you change the steps in the middle of the song, you can't blame them for not keeping up. (Forgive the ridiculous analogy)

I'm not trying to suggest that there's anything wrong with one night stands. It just seems to me that if you have to lie, even by omission, then something is wrong with the whole deal. And I do think it's possible to let someone know what you're looking for without saying, "Yeah, you're a fuck toy for tonight, and then I never want to see you again." I'm not talking about judging or hurting anyone, I'm talking about tactful honesty--from both parties.

That's my 1 1/2 cents anyway. (Damn that inflation)

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Interesringly, NBC's Dateline had....

a program on last night that discussed this subject from the standpoint of 4 teenagers. They all seemed to agree that their parents were not helping them much to learn about sex.

Maybe the web and all the information that it makes available will help to educate our kids about sex. There is also a show on cable featuring Dr. Drew, an internist, and others, who freely discuss sexual issues. (Its a call-in show and I can't recall the name).

Maybe, just maybe, sex has finally come out of the closet. It will be very interesting to see how my children educate my grandchildren, if and when that ever happens. I know that I have tried to do my part with my own children.

blue

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

Dr. Drew is a God.

And he gets more pune than any male in NYC!!!! The Shebabe would rape him if she got anywhere near him.

He is an awesome, inspiring man-dog. Who comes of as one perfect Doc gentelman.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Sparky, are you sure that you aren't..

my long lost younger brother who was lost and raised by gentiles? Some of the stuff that you write reminds me so much of me 10 years go. Scarey!

blue

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Man, all those Lasher threads....

They buried everything else. More comments, please.

blue