What's in a Name??

[myinnerslut]

.....

 

[SweetErika]

as the submissive in the relationship, i dont get a say in what to call him, and i shouldnt be struggling with this change, but i am a little. after calling him Sir for so long, it feels a bit off for me to call him by his first name. less respectful in a way. in my mind, Sir meant something different then Master, which meant something different then baby or A.

I know you're not looking for advice, and I'm not giving it, but I did want to comment on this.

I don't think you should feel like you shouldn't be struggling because you're a sub. More than anything, you're human, and we humans tend to have trouble breaking long-standing habits. Dom, sub, switch or whatever, I think it's only natural to struggle with a change like this, and no one (especially YOU!) should fault you for that. You're doing your best to make the change and will get it in time, right? If so, that's as much as you can require from yourself.

have any of you had experiences in which you were told to change how you refered to your PYL?

I'm the PYL, but this is relevant. When we started, I suffered a name-identity crisis. Nothing felt like a good fit (Ma'am was too formal and old, we didn't have an M/s relationship so no Mistress, Goddess felt too stuck up, etc.), so I had him call me "Domina." I liked it, and I still do to some extent, but then we started talking about heading toward TPE, and all of a sudden "Mistress" felt right to me.

So, I had him change, but with the instruction that he could still use "Domina" and our usual terms around non-lifestylers. I'd only been Domina for a couple of weeks, so it wasn't a big deal, and he caught on quickly. However, if we'd been using it for a longer period of time, I'd expect him to take longer to change. And, my reality is that it doesn't matter what he calls me as long as it's done with respect; I'm not one to think I'm defined by my title or require more capitalization than standard English rules dictate.

does the term Sir or Ma'am mean something different to you then Master or Mistress? or is it all the same and interchangeable? and PYLs, which do you prefer to be called? do you see a difference in the terms?

To me, Master/Mistress indicates an M/s or TPE (or, in our case, working towards/in training for that) relationship, where as Ma'am/Sir is usually a sign of a D/s relationship.

As I said, I prefer Mistress or Domina because that's what feels right and seems to fit our relationship style.

 

[the captians wench]

I agree with SweetErica, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself because you're struggling with change. Change is hard. I think I would talk to my dom about the struggles I'm having and why, but I tend to bring up every little thing that bothers me. Jounar doesn't dismiss a single worry or feeling I have and that's very important to me. I don't really get a choice in most matters, but I always have the freedom to voice why I feel a certian way about a choice he had made. I never have to just swallow something with out even voicing a concern. But he's never been very formal in that aspect, where you have made comments before that sound to me like you do not have such freedom of speach and there for it would make it harder to communicate these feelings. I'm not giving advice here, just observing.

I did go thru something simular to you tho. Before Jounar accepted me, I only ever played with friends. Those friends however had strict rules, and I was only allowd to call them Master, and only durring play. It felt weird to me and forced, but I complied. Naturally when Jounar accepted me I felt I should call him Master, so I asked what he preferd to be called. He said "sir". This totally thru me for a loop. On top of that I didn't have to call him sir after every sintence like others had told me. In fact I think it kind of annoyed him how often I asked for permission for little things, called him sir every sintence and so on.

Because I felt this annoyance, tho he didn't say anything, I backed off a bit, and I started calling him love. It felt better anyway, it just felt right. And so unless I'm in trouble or he's giving instructions or something I call him love. "love" means a lot to me, I've never in my life called anyone love. But after a while (a year *giggles*) I thought maybe I was being disrespectful in his eyes. So I asked him if he prefured I call him something else. He said love was fine. If he had said I should call him something else, I would probably be much in the same boat as you. It would be a great struggle for me, and just wouldn't feel right.

Anyway that's my thoughts on the matter. I know you can get it, it'll just take some getting used to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I went through a similar thing. If you see some of my older postings, I always referred to F as Master or Amo (Master in Spanish) and had from the moment I was accepted as his slave. When we met, I was alredy committed to him so even then I never referred to him by his name or anything else. After doing this for a long time, he decided he wanted me to feel just as comfortable using his name and often. At first it felt I was committing a sin, it was almost impossible, but I never give up and continued working on it until I felt comfortable. Now I am in the position of being so comfortable with that, that although I see him as Master just as I always have, it requires more conscious thought to use that title and sometimes it feels strange now. Can't seem to win.

Catalina

 

[Kailey_86]

When J and i first met i asked him what he wanted me to call him since he hadn't mentioned it yet. i was surprised that the topic hadn't been brought up until then since most Doms i had spoken to in the past demanded that i call them Sir right off the bat. He said yes, call him Sir. After the fourth or fifth time that i called him Sir, he told me to stop because it was too military for him. This felt VERY strange for me even though i hadn't called him that for more than a couple of times. It felt too informal for me. i connect the word Sir with respect and Master with a TPE. Calling him J just didn't feel right for me. Finally i got used to calling by his name. i would like to call him Sir because it is a form of respect. It also reminds me of the power he holds over me. What he says goes though and i am happy to do what pleases him.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

As for me Sir's honorary is actually Master... but I hate the way it sounds with is name. So I either call him by the name he likes best Alex or I call him Sir. It sorta depends on what I use, if I am at the space I would say Sir but around the house with his mother its Alex. Also when I talk about our relationship or mention him to others I refer to him as Sir. If your used to calling your SO something and then you get a name change its only natural to have some issue about remembering to refer to them as something different.

Really I think titles are silly, if you refer the them in a respectful manner and tone that is what counts. Though the use of a honorific does help enforce the differences of positions in your relationship IMO.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm a weirdo. I call him Master, Sir, and his first name with no trouble. I just get bored with saying the same things over and over and over, I guess.

 

[myinnerslut]

.....

 

[DomRick]

What's in a name?

The best way to make someone feel important, is to call them by their name. If your Master has moved to this realization, then it would be good to honor it as best you can. A title, like Sir or Ma'am, is usually reserved for those that either hold a position or who have earned it. I grew up with southern manners and every adult was either Sir or Ma'am. Twenty seven years in the military further instilled that respect for humanity, not necessarily the recipient. My live-in submissive is comfortable using a variety of terms at the appropriate time, but frankly, when we're holding an adult discussion, I like hearing my name come from the lips of an angel. I also like the respect she bestows when she calls me Sir or Master. As you grow in your relationship, hopefully this area will become more transparent to each of you and the appropriate name or title will be rendered at the correct times.

 

[Bandit58]

When we're playing, I call Him Master. Outside of the bedroom, it can be anything from Sir (rarely, but becoming more common), to His first name, to Honey, Darling, Dear, My Love......(you get the idea).

 

[lil_slave_rose]

in the past 8 months that i've been posting on lit, i've seen a few different people ask the question "what do i call my dom?" the standard answer is "whatever he wants you to call him". as i found out this weekend, that answer can be easier to give then to follow.

as most of you know, i am in a LDR with my boyfriend/dominant. i went down to visit him for the past 5 days. the first night i was there, as we were lying down he turned to me and said "i dont want you to call me Sir anymore. its to formal."

i have been calling him Sir since our the D/s of our relationship started almost a year and a half ago. several months ago we began talking about me working up to calling him Master. this announcement of his took me completely by surprise. at this point, "Sir" has also become a big part of my vocabulary, slipping out even by mistake sometimes. so the process began of trying to eliminate the word from my vocabulary and replace it instead with his name or "baby". now its no longer Sir, its A. takes some getting used to.

which brings me to the point of this post. as the submissive in the relationship, i dont get a say in what to call him, and i shouldnt be struggling with this change, but i am a little. after calling him Sir for so long, it feels a bit off for me to call him by his first name. less respectful in a way. in my mind, Sir meant something different then Master, which meant something different then baby or A. have any of you had experiences in which you were told to change how you refered to your PYL? does the term Sir or Ma'am mean something different to you then Master or Mistress? or is it all the same and interchangeable? and PYLs, which do you prefer to be called? do you see a difference in the terms?


p.s. i feel a little bad posting this while the "Depersonalization in D/s" thread was running, but i thought it was different enough to start its own thread.

Master and i are pretty informal really, i do call Him Master or Sir most of the time but it's because it's what 'feels right' i do also refer to Him as "P" or even by His first name sometimes as well, especially in the presence of people who do not know the dynamics of our relationship. that being said if He suddenly did not want me to call Him Sir or Master anymore, i would defiantly struggle with it, because it's just what's normal for me now. as for the difference in the titles..there is a difference to me. Master is more intimate, reserved ONLY for Him, where Sir, well i can and do alot of times call other Dom's 'Sir' (when they are deserving of course )

 

[graceanne]

I havne't read everyone else's replies yet, so pardon me if I say something that's already been said.

Have you talked to your master about how you feel about calling him something other than sir? Cause if he knows how you feel he might be willing to change his mind.

Or can you consider this a test to your submission? He wants you to call him something else. When you first got together with him calling him 'sir' was probably a bit odd, now he wants you to call him something else.

As for personally - I call K by his name. First because when we first got together we were not in a D/s relationship. Beyond that we are both very firmly in the closet (for many reasons - among them that we have kids). Calling him anything other than his name (and honey, sweetie, etc) would raise some serious eyebrows.

 

[Aeroil]

Switching around your vocabulary can be hard, I'm still working on my cursing... Trying to replace "Son of a bitch." with "Son of a Submariner", etc.

Practice does it for me, whenever you do catch yourself saying "Sir" just say Master in your head and/or outloud and that will associate them and make the transition easier.

 

[shy slave]

Change can be hard, but if it feels awkward to call him anything but 'Sir' I would tell him your struggling.

LDR has its own challenges without adding into it.

If, in a moment of other things being on your mind you called him the wrong thing, how upset would you both be?
Would you feel you had failed in some way?

I have a friend who is a going through a sex change.

I was introduced to them as their female name, so now they are living full time as a woman and about to have the op; it is not hard for me to continue to think of them with a female name. Those in the group who were introduced to them with a male name, do forget at times; then they spend time feel guilty.

It is not about what they become, a name is so personal that it is hard to think of them with any other name.

I married (now divorced) 6 years ago, my sister in a letter to a doctor used the wrong surname for me. I had had my previous name for so long, that under stress she just forgot it had changed.

I think of Andante as his given name, not 'Sir' 'Master' or anything else.
Somehow they do not sit well in my mind. Sometimes during an intense time I have called him something other than his given name, but afterwards it feels odd.
On other boards I call him my Owner.

If 'Sir' is the name that strikes meaning for you, then please talk to him and try to find a way forward that fits both of you.

Having read other posts by you, I am fairly sure you would not want to feel you failed him by the using the wrong name in the heat of a moment.

 

[graceanne]

I married (now divorced) 6 years ago, my sister in a letter to a doctor used the wrong surname for me. I had had my previous name for so long, that under stress she just forgot it had changed.

My kids were looking through my year book for my picture, so I went into the back to find out what page I was on, and couldn't find myself! Took me about five minutes to realize I was looking under my married name.

 

[myinnerslut]

.....

 

[graceanne]

yes i have, and he's not.. but he is giving me time to get used to the change



i dont know if this was meant as a test or a challenge but it certainly has been challenging. whether it is a test or just a command that has been proving a bit difficult for me to comply with, i am getting slowly used to it. i just hope i am pleasing him by doing so, and A assures me i am.

Yay! As long as A is happy, then don't worry so much. *hugs*

I didn't necessarily mean test, I mean a challenge. That's what I get for typing when i'm tired. I literally sat at the computer for several minutes trying to think of the righ word for it, and ended up putting test down.

 

[Bandit58]

My kids were looking through my year book for my picture, so I went into the back to find out what page I was on, and couldn't find myself! Took me about five minutes to realize I was looking under my married name.

LOL gracie I've just changed my surname to Master's when we got married, but I had my first husband's name for almost 30 years. It also starts with the same initial, so I've had to be very careful when I'm signing my new name, that I don't automatically sign the old one

 

[SECRETDOM]

Hello!

Glad you had a good weekend, with an interesting twist. As some of you know, my sub refers to me as "Daddy" or "DaddySir" (yes there is a hint of ageplay in our relationship). But she is free to call me Sir, Master, Daddy, even my given name at any time except when we are actively playing or in a scene.

When pet calls me by my given name it always touches me and means that she has something very important to say.

I have no advice for you "mis" but I have faith that you will work through this emotionally and in a few months it won't be an issue.

SD

 

[myinnerslut]

.....

 

[marieR19]

(somewhat sadly), I've never been in the position where this would be an issue for me. However, I called my current/former (?) PYL by her name (or one of many lovey-names) when not playing, and Mistress when playing.

In my mind, Ma'am doesn't really connect with this kind of play... I associate it with elders and speaking respectfully to grownups, as I did when I was young, and I think I would feel really awkward calling a PYL Ma'am. Mistress comes naturally out of my mouth, and it very easily puts me in my place to say it, so that's what I prefer... but of course, in the end, it will depend on what my PYL wants.


Heather