What would you say as an editor ...

[snooper]

... to someone who wrote:

The individual strands of her mussed hair tickled his face with the exasperating persistent delicacy of flies' feet on a muggy day.

And

... in a graceful short-nailed hand she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass.

And describes a VW Beetle as

... that fabled, notoiously unsafe sixties vehicle of countercultural rebellion and conspicuous thrift.

And finally

These hair-adorned nether parts closely fitted into the the sites of urination and defecation, were seats of being, ugly and odorous in external contemplatiohn but in sensation exquisite.

After a few comments I will reveal who wrote these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

 

[Softouch911]

Well, I'm real new here, and yeah I know I'm being set up, but ....

Evaluation: these are "a bit" overwrought (& overwrit) no matter who penned them, imo -- unless it's you of course, and then I think they have an incredible amount of potential with only minor revision

Yahhhh, Baby

Amd as far as

she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass

A: At least it was 'over size'. This makes us all very happy

B: I'm having trouble with the actual glass -- is this suggesting a terribly bloated foreskin? Or what?

Softie (legs crossed, hands over groin, waiting)

 

[Weird Harold]

... to someone who wrote:... these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

It depends on the context.

Unless the story was deliberately overwritten like that, I'd suggest that they just don't work and suggest some other comparisons for the author to consider.

On the other hand, those would fit well in a satirical piece poking fun at the pompous wording of ernest novices trying too hard to be "literate" in their writing.

 

[SweetSurrendered1]

... to someone who wrote:

The individual strands of her mussed hair tickled his face with the exasperating persistent delicacy of flies' feet on a muggy day.

And

... in a graceful short-nailed hand she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass.

And describes a VW Beetle as

... that fabled, notoiously unsafe sixties vehicle of countercultural rebellion and conspicuous thrift.

And finally

These hair-adorned nether parts closely fitted into the the sites of urination and defecation, were seats of being, ugly and odorous in external contemplatiohn but in sensation exquisite.

After a few comments I will reveal who wrote these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

Are you asking us to look at what is being said and how or do you want us to point out grammatical errors? Both?

 

[snooper]

Are you asking us to look at what is being said and how or do you want us to point out grammatical errors? Both?

I asked for what you would say if you were offered a piece of work containing these items for you to comment as a volunteer editor.

I'll tell you tomorrow who wrote them and where.

 

[BlackSnake]

If I was an editor, I'd say nothing about the passages, unless it was clearly off key with the rest of the story. Maybe the writer intended the reader to be out of breath, using the long descriptions as a way of creating the rhythm.

 

[Guest]

... to someone who wrote:

The individual strands of her mussed hair tickled his face with the exasperating persistent delicacy of flies' feet on a muggy day.

And

... in a graceful short-nailed hand she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass.

And describes a VW Beetle as

... that fabled, notoiously unsafe sixties vehicle of countercultural rebellion and conspicuous thrift.

And finally

These hair-adorned nether parts closely fitted into the the sites of urination and defecation, were seats of being, ugly and odorous in external contemplatiohn but in sensation exquisite.

After a few comments I will reveal who wrote these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

______

I would tell John Updike:

"John, you're making us millions of dollars with your writing. Please continue."

 

[trendyredhead]

I'd tell them that sometimes simpler is better, and this kind of writing is pretentious and unnecessary on a porn site. Or something like that, because I'm feeling rather blunt and tactless tonight.

 

[BlackSnake]

I'd tell them that sometimes simpler is better, and this kind of writing is pretentious and unnecessary on a porn site. Or something like that, because I'm feeling rather blunt and tactless tonight.

It's too much for pron, period, I think. Vivid images and hard rhythms are what's needed for pronotica.

 

[Captain Midnight]

It's gotta be Hunter S. Thompson

Only Mr. Gonzo himself could be a perpetual jerk, in front of or away from the keyboard, and get away with it. His passing has sparked a lot of talk about his work.

If I'm right, I had better not tell him one damn thing in order to avoid getting a .357 muzzle stuck up my nose.

If I'm wrong, I'll put in my two cents' worth, but he certainly conveys the intent of his piece and probably I'd be wise to leave things as they are.

 

[snooper]

______

I would tell John Updike:

"John, you're making us millions of dollars with your writing. Please continue."

Yes, you are right. They are extracts from his new novel "Villages", which is devoted almost entirely to sex.
It spurred one respected critic to describe him as "The finest novelist writing in English today".

 

[justathought555]

... to someone who wrote:

The individual strands of her mussed hair tickled his face with the exasperating persistent delicacy of flies' feet on a muggy day.

And

... in a graceful short-nailed hand she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass.

And describes a VW Beetle as

... that fabled, notoiously unsafe sixties vehicle of countercultural rebellion and conspicuous thrift.

And finally

These hair-adorned nether parts closely fitted into the the sites of urination and defecation, were seats of being, ugly and odorous in external contemplatiohn but in sensation exquisite.

After a few comments I will reveal who wrote these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

I am not an editor, but have read enough in my lifetime to know that *somebody* was trying to show off when he wrote those passages. They are WAY overwritten. Too much of that kind of writing in a particular piece, whether short-story or novel, minimizes the impact of the imagery when it is used.

And an author might be critically-acclaimed (and I read ahead in the thread, so I know that the author is Updike), but that doesn't mean he can't write crap.

 

[bridgeburner]

Well, I see the cat's already out of the bag but as an editor, regardless of my personal taste, some things just have to be attributed to "personal style" and given the pass. I would certainly bring it to a writer's attention if he had a distinctive style that might not be to the taste of most readers.

More often what we get at Lit is not the over-written purple prose but the Penthouse Letters by Frat Boys School of Porn Writing that generally gives me the big yawn. I'm not much of a snob -- I like a lot of pretty pedestrian writing, but I do have a lower threshold for some of that stuff than it seems the general Lit audience does.

-B

edited to add: And I've never liked Updike.

 

[Lonely Knight]

More often what we get at Lit is not the over-written purple prose but the Penthouse Letters by Frat Boys School of Porn Writing that generally gives me the big yawn. I'm not much of a snob -- I like a lot of pretty pedestrian writing, but I do have a lower threshold for some of that stuff than it seems the general Lit audience does.

-B

Any chance that perhaps you might put that into some text that I might be able to understand? Sorry, but I honestly have no clue what the hell you said...

 

[brightlyiburn]

As an editor I would say nothing. Because the only thing I'd want to say would be some choice words about "thesaurus" writing that makes me want to puke.

 

[bridgeburner]

Any chance that perhaps you might put that into some text that I might be able to understand? Sorry, but I honestly have no clue what the hell you said...

I was merely remarking that something as over-written as the Updike passages is a rare submission at Literotica. It's far more common to get stories like:

"Tawny was an 18 yo blonde cheerleader just beginning to mature (read: with huge breasts and no pubic hair and no idea what sexual arousal is). One day after some terribly convoluted and over-explained chain of events she found herself inexplicably craving the taste of her brother's cock. After she'd sucked about a gallon of his tasty man-seed, he promptly busted her cherry and sent her into toe-curling multiple orgasms. Later that day she went out and screwed the entire basketball team because what all dippy blonde cheerleaders really crave is lots of freakishly large black cock."

In addition to this astonishingly original plot, the story will be chock-a-block with spelling and grammatical errors, random changes in POV and verb tense and enough cliches to make your head spin.

That being said I'm a huge fan of a couple of writers who have serious mechanical problems with their writing because their stories are engaging and arousing in spite of their flaws. Outside of Lit I read pretty pedestrian stuff --- cop and spy novels, horror, romance. I haven't read anything "literary" since I got out of college so I can't claim to be any kind of word-snob in that sense. I'm most concerned with a good, well-told story. That's first and foremost what I want to see, but if all I can do for an author is help clean up spelling and grammar then I'm willing to do that too.


-B

 

[Lonely Knight]

Thank you.

 

[spyro1123]

That passage reminded me of a mark twain quote... at least thats who i think said it.

When you see an adjective kill it.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Too much of that kind of writing in a particular piece, whether short-story or novel, minimizes the impact of the imagery when it is used.

Absolutely. On the other hand, "too much" tends to be more of a ratio than an absolute number. They are some odd metaphors and passages, but what is the size of the text through which they are scattered? We encounter them here artificially - one after the other in a very short space. Spread out through an entire novel, I think it possible that they could work despite my initial negative reaction. It's only fair to give the man his context.

Shanglan

 

[brightlyiburn]

Absolutely. On the other hand, "too much" tends to be more of a ratio than an absolute number. They are some odd metaphors and passages, but what is the size of the text through which they are scattered? We encounter them here artificially - one after the other in a very short space. Spread out through an entire novel, I think it possible that they could work despite my initial negative reaction. It's only fair to give the man his context.

Shanglan

I dunno. I feel like, if it were a constant, it would drive me nuts. And if it were just sometimes, I'd be confused.
But then, people love Anne Rice, and she's one of those flowery thesaurus writer types, too. I really think it's just a personal preference.

 

[Huckleman2000]

... to someone who wrote:

The individual strands of her mussed hair tickled his face with the exasperating persistent delicacy of flies' feet on a muggy day.

And

... in a graceful short-nailed hand she would hold his erection as if it were the stem of an over size wineglass.

And describes a VW Beetle as

... that fabled, notoiously unsafe sixties vehicle of countercultural rebellion and conspicuous thrift.

And finally

These hair-adorned nether parts closely fitted into the the sites of urination and defecation, were seats of being, ugly and odorous in external contemplatiohn but in sensation exquisite.

After a few comments I will reveal who wrote these gems, all in the same work, and what the author's reputation is.

I actually like the wineglass and VW quotes, although I'd probably say it should be "over-sized wine glass", not "over size wineglass". But I'm a middle-aged suburbanite with an overactive brain and an underactive cock, so maybe you'd expect that.

The stuff about ass hair and flies' feet you can have, though. Makes my skin crawl.