What would YOU do?

[phoenix1224]

OK... Here's the scenerio...

You're dating someone for ten months and everything's going great... The two of you are in love; you're talking about cohabitation, getting engaged, then married, children; etc., etc., etc.

You've had your problems in the past which make it very difficult to find a good job... But you finally find one... One that you actually sort of like, that pays very well, and has pretty good benefits... You actually have medical coverage again for the first time in SIX years... And you're now only a few months away from being debt-free.

But then, the person that you're seeing gets an awesome job offer... One that they really can't refuse... 1500 miles away.

This person accepts the job offer (which you really can't blame them for... it's a great opportunity)... So, because you want to stay with this person, you begin to search the net for job opportunities for yourself in this new city.

One (major) problem... All the jobs that you find out there (that you're qualified for) would have you taking a $10-15,000 a year pay cut.

So, it looks more and more like there's no possible way that you can move without taking a HUGE step backwards financially.

But you truely, deeply love this person.

What would YOU do?

 

[bisexplicit]

How old are you?
How serious are you about getting married?
Will the other person support you if you need to take the pay cut?
How hard will it be to transition to a new city (aside from the finacial aspect)?

I would make a list of pros and cons...although its romantic and wonderful to want to be with someone and follow them to a new place - you really need to look at some of the practicalities. Is it possible that you could move there and break up in two months?


...Someone feel like searching Dear Abby stuff? I feel like I've seen this question (or a similar one) asked a few times before...

 

[phoenix1224]

How old are you?

I'm 30... She's 23.

How serious are you about getting married?

I was going to propose as soon as I had saved up enough to buy a ring.

Will the other person support you if you need to take the pay cut?

Most likely... But I don't want to prove her parents right about me (they pretty much think that I'm a scumbag loser) and "leech" off of her.

How hard will it be to transition to a new city (aside from the finacial aspect)?

It would be difficult... Everyone and everything I know is where I'm at right now... And I've never really been all that good at dealing with MAJOR change.

I would make a list of pros and cons...although its romantic and wonderful to want to be with someone and follow them to a new place - you really need to look at some of the practicalities. Is it possible that you could move there and break up in two months?

That WAS one of my worries.

 

[silverwhisper]

phoenix: i think a more important question is what is the difference in the cost/living in your current location vs hers? is it possible that's impacting the numbers you're seeing?

ed

 

[phoenix1224]

phoenix: i think a more important question is what is the difference in the cost/living in your current location vs hers? is it possible that's impacting the numbers you're seeing?

ed

The cost of living is pretty much identical.

 

[silverwhisper]

in that instance, i say:

1. achieve your financial stability first. you know exactly how important that kinda thing is.

2. start working the networking angle right now, see if anybody you know is in the new location and has needs, or knows anybody that has needs that match your skill-set. if people you speak w/ don't know anybody, ask 'em to ask their friends who might along w/ your contact details. ideally, you want to be getting face time w/ these potential contacts. at such meetings, be able to do a 2 minute presentation about yourself, job qualifications, etc. you have to keep this short and somewhat informal in character. yes, what i'm proposing essentially means potentially weeks of such meetings, but that's really your best bet if you aren't already doing this.

3. in the few months it's taken to achieve your stability, you should be able to network your way into an interview for a desirable position. you know that salary is not the biggest expense an employee represents at the non-officer level, so don't be afraid to tell interviewers that your last salary was [x].

JMHO.

ed

 

[EJFan]

in that instance, i say:

1. achieve your financial stability first. you know exactly how important that kinda thing is.

2. start working the networking angle right now, see if anybody you know is in the new location and has needs, or knows anybody that has needs that match your skill-set. if people you speak w/ don't know anybody, ask 'em to ask their friends who might along w/ your contact details. ideally, you want to be getting face time w/ these potential contacts. at such meetings, be able to do a 2 minute presentation about yourself, job qualifications, etc. you have to keep this short and somewhat informal in character. yes, what i'm proposing essentially means potentially weeks of such meetings, but that's really your best bet if you aren't already doing this.

3. in the few months it's taken to achieve your stability, you should be able to network your way into an interview for a desirable position. you know that salary is not the biggest expense an employee represents at the non-officer level, so don't be afraid to tell interviewers that your last salary was [x].

JMHO.

ed

put me down for all this stuff too.

one thing kinda worried me though... you said that moving out there and maybe breaking up in two months "WAS one of your worries." if that thought's even in the deepest recesses of your mind, maybe you guys could use some time apart to really figure out how you feel anyway.

i'm not saying your doomed or that it's a bad relationship... i'm sure it's a wonderful one. please don't take it the wrong way but, as i said, if that thought is ANYWHERE in your head you need to resolve that as much as you need to solidify your financial situation.

best of luck to you. it'll work out!

 

[phoenix1224]

put me down for all this stuff too.

one thing kinda worried me though... you said that moving out there and maybe breaking up in two months "WAS one of your worries." if that thought's even in the deepest recesses of your mind, maybe you guys could use some time apart to really figure out how you feel anyway.

i'm not saying your doomed or that it's a bad relationship... i'm sure it's a wonderful one. please don't take it the wrong way but, as i said, if that thought is ANYWHERE in your head you need to resolve that as much as you need to solidify your financial situation.

best of luck to you. it'll work out!

Perhaps I shouldn't have used the word "worries"... It's more like something that just popped into my head once or twice as a quick "what if"... *shrugs*

 

[bisexplicit]

Okay, I've been asking like a million questions, which I'm not sure is helpful or not...but...
What does she think about all this? Does she know about all your worries and fears and stuff?

 

[EJFan]

Perhaps I shouldn't have used the word "worries"... It's more like something that just popped into my head once or twice as a quick "what if"... *shrugs*

i figured you might have just typed it on a whim... but sometimes those sorta things can be revealing of what's goin' on in our subconscious. so i figured i'd mention it.

 

[Cathleen]

Phoenix, it is a tough place to be. I have to say, I'd answer this question very differently if I was twenty years younger but....

Get out of debt, get financially set, keep working where you are and learning more. There are a few reasons I say this, one is that no debt is always preferable in order to do some serious saving. You will also build better credit ratings which will help with future plans. It might not sound like it but by taking a year or so to really dedicate to becoming debt free and building financial stability will pay off greatly vis a vie FICO scores, rates you'll be offered for loans/mortgages etc.

Another reason for staying at your job is that with another year or so will also give you more knowledge and therefore the positions you will seek will be at a different pay level. It still might be a cut, but it gives you more options with regard to career advancements. You might learn that there are other avenues you'd like to pursue etc. so get as much knowledge under your belt as possible.

With regard to the move, the first thing is, no one's relationship is a guarentee. You two sure seem to really be solid so part of me says, it will continue this way, there is no reason it won't. I hate to even say this (it will sound so typical of an 'old' person but..), a year or two isn't a lot of time - even if you are apart. The benefits can out weigh the struggle sometimes. Also she is beginning a new career (congrats on graduation W&S ), and so much will be new and different for the first few years. It might not be the best time to make major decisions in living situations right away. Even the next six months will show changes.

Give yourselves some time to adjust to what it will be like to both be working full time, being less available to talk etc. You might have to spend some cash on visiting but I still think it is a better idea then to move right now - financially and relationship wise. I don't mean as a test of strength of the relationship, just let some things sort of shake out, get a bit of a routine going before a major move.

I remember my mother telling me when I bought my condo, after I was ready to move walls, build this, change that etc. She said live in it a year before making any big change - you have to find out how you will live in it before getting rid of stuff. She was right, many of my thoughts wouldn't have been so great and a few I learned the hard way. lol

There's a lot to consider and I wish you both luck.... try not to let time push at you guys. I still can't believe it's the end of June.... or 2005 for that matter!

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Will the other person support you if you need to take the pay cut?

Yes. I would, without any hesitation. I would do almost anything I could so we can be together.

How hard will it be to transition to a new city (aside from the finacial aspect)?

It is difficult. I'm going there, and not knowing anyone to do it. I'm also moving a lot sooner that I was expecting to. My flight out there is next Wednesday. I found out my start date for work about a week ago. And if anyone (especially him) were to come to live with me, I would do whatever I could to make it easier for them.

I would make a list of pros and cons...although its romantic and wonderful to want to be with someone and follow them to a new place - you really need to look at some of the practicalities. Is it possible that you could move there and break up in two months?

Everything is a possibility, not everything is a reality.

Okay, I've been asking like a million questions, which I'm not sure is helpful or not...but...
What does she think about all this? Does she know about all your worries and fears and stuff?

She doesn't know about any of his worries or fears on this. He has been avoiding talking to me about any of it. She's been asking him to talk about it, but he doesn't seem to want to at all, at least not with me anyways.

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

Remeber what I said months back??

*grabs a beer bottle*

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Most likely... But I don't want to prove her parents right about me (they pretty much think that I'm a scumbag loser) and "leech" off of her.

And you know as well as I do that I dont want what my parents think of you to have ever come between us for any reason. And I've slowly started to get their opinion of you to change.

 

[bisexplicit]

Woah, had no idea you two were dating. Someone should send memos out on this sortof thing!

 

[silverwhisper]

funny; i was thinking the same thing, bi. :>

ed

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Woah, had no idea you two were dating. Someone should send memos out on this sortof thing!

yeah... we were for almost 10 months (the whole actual date thing is on 6/28). And I'll keep in mind about the memo thing for the future.

 

[rcuhljr]

Anyone else ever notice how the first and normally correct response to any relationship advice to a poster is to "Say what you just said to us, to your partner". someone needs to get out the "communication communication communication" stamp.

 

[silverwhisper]

well, i got yelled at the last time i said it... :>

ed

 

[rcuhljr]

well, i got yelled at the last time i said it... :>

ed

trout smacked if you do, trout smacked if you don't I guess.

 

[silverwhisper]

[keels over from laughing too hard]

[gasps]

[croaks]

 

[Eilan]

well, i got yelled at the last time i said it... :>

Yeah, but I snarked 'em for you.

trout smacked if you do, trout smacked if you don't I guess.

 

[silverwhisper]

[laughing too hard to type anything sensible]

 

[Ezzy]

Keep the job and spend the extra money you earn, flying backwards and forwards every Friday and Monday.

If the love lasts you doing this then living together will be a synch!

What happens if she looses her good job? Will you be able to get your good job again?

Oh! And communication, communication, communication!

 

[phoenix1224]

Well, last night, we had a pretty good conversation over the phone... We're meeting on Saturday to discuss all of our concerns over the situation... I hope that we can figure something out.

I just wish that I hadn't freaked out earlier in the week...

But please, I really would like to hear more thoughts about the situation.