What would you do?

[kure]

What to say.... Hmmm.

To most it may sound like a sad story. But mostly I am comfortable in my life. What I am uncomfortable with is below.

I have a GF (8yrs) and 2 little girls. Family life is good. For those of you with a 2 yr old, you know what it can be like. I like my job and my home life. What I dont like is going without intense, consentual, primal SEX.

I have no intention of leaving my girls until they are grown. But... but. I never signed up for no sex.

I havent had sex in 15 months. A hug in 12 and a kiss in way too long.

I love sex. I am quite good at it. I need a lover, friend, just a friend who I am intimate with?

What are your opinions/offers?

I covered what I wont do. What do you suggest I "do"??

 

[Missingmeds]

Come see me?

 

[kure]

That doesnt sound like a bad idea.

What part of OH are you in?

When would be a good time?

 

[BirdsWife]

What to say.... Hmmm.

To most it may sound like a sad story. But mostly I am comfortable in my life. What I am uncomfortable with is below.

I have a GF (8yrs) and 2 little girls. Family life is good. For those of you with a 2 yr old, you know what it can be like. I like my job and my home life. What I dont like is going without intense, consentual, primal SEX.

I have no intention of leaving my girls until they are grown. But... but. I never signed up for no sex.

I havent had sex in 15 months. A hug in 12 and a kiss in way too long.

I love sex. I am quite good at it. I need a lover, friend, just a fuck buddy?

What are your opinions/offers?

I covered what I wont do. What do you suggest I "do"??

A sad story? Not really, but a common one from what I have seen. Here is my opinion.

Instead of investing all your time and energy into finding a "lover, friend, just a fuck buddy", why don' t you use that energy to find a reliable babysitter for the weekend, buy your girfriend an outfit she feels sexy in, rent a nice room at a couple's resort, and have some intense, consentual, primal SEX with the woman you've already created a family with? Maybe you'll find out that your girlfriend is missing it as much as you are.

I don't think most men, even the modern "I do my fair share around the house" kind of men, realize what it is like for mothers of young children. We can't just turn off the mommy part of us. Even when we are sleeping there is always that instinctual part of our brain worrying about the little ones, which often makes it very difficult to relax and enjoy any kind of sex, especially when the kids have "finally" fallen asleep in the next room after an exhausting day of chasing them around and caring for every single one of their needs and demands. Some time away from the kids and a change of scenery just might do wonders for your girlfriend's libido.

Or why don't you be honest with your girlfriend? Sit down and explain to her, in a non-accusing way, that you miss the closeness and intimacy of the physical part of your relationship, and ASK her what steps she thinks the two of you can take to get it back. Things may not change overnight, but if both of you make a conscious effor to fix the problem then perhaps you each will learn to be more responsive to the other's needs, both physically and emotionally.

You yourself say that you are comfortable with your life and that family life is good. Why not at least try fixing what is wrong in your relationship before going out and finding a lover or fuck buddy who might help you get your rocks off but ends up ruining that good and comfortable life of yours in the process?


Just a $.02 opinion from someone who sees both sides of the coin. Take it or leave it.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I agree with BirdsWife. You owe it to your family to at least sit down and discuss the matter with your SO.

Sounds to me like you two just need to establish a line of communication. If after discussing matters, you don't come to a reasonable resolution, and still feel strongly about staying in the relationship for your children, then consider looking elsewhere.

Do you compliment her; tell her she's doing a good job with the kids, house, etc.? How often do you tell her you love her? Maybe she feels taken advantage of, overwhelmed, unappreciated, and this is her way of letting you know.


I'm not being judgmental or unsympathetic to your plight. I've been there and it sucks. We all deserve to be happy.

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out, one way or the other.

 

[short_circutz]

I agree fully with NaughtyLil1 and BirdsWife....

 

[kure]

Ya'll have given some interesting advice.

Let me think on what you have to say before I give you a better reply.

But in regards to the "Fuck Buddy" comment. I do feel that was a bad choice of words.

Thanks for actually caring.

Till tomorrow

 

[nopornstar]

exactly in the same state. And although I would agree with the comments on communication, I believe I have done that, more than once. Maybe not well enough. Of course, like kure, doesnt mean I am going to do anything, just believe that upon temptation, the decisioin "not to" would be a difficult choice. Try not to put myself in the situation.

Being around lit helps in that you realize a lot of all this is fantasy. But there are some threads where I think, holy shit, I dont know I could turn that down.

nps

 

[kure]

After some thought...

I can see the response from most. And.. to an extent I could agree.

If it werent for the fact that this tactic has been tried. I also tried being blunt. "Hey honey how about we turn off the TV and fool around" (3 yrs ago) Then there was "Hey cutie, wana have sex? " (2 yrs ago). The there was the crying session where I asked why she wouldnt touch me or hold me.

I even went so far as to ask if she just didnt like sex anymore. I am at wits end.

We all need a physical and sexual part to our lives. What I need is an outlet. Something like a friendship. but more.

Everyone has been great trying to take the "high road" But she has said "if you do ... just dont get her pregnant or let me know" I only half believe her. But....


Again I ask what would you do / or what can I do?

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Unfortunately, there are people that who just aren't into intimacy. Strange I know, but I have witnessed it first hand. You go through the crying-hurt stage, just plain ole pissed off stage until you get the fuck it, it's not worth it stage.

You have an obligation to yourself to do what ever is necessary to fulfill your life. Just proceed with caution; you don't need another bad situation on your hands.

Good luck, my friend. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[kure]

Just a bump to see what the Saturday nite crowd thinks.

 

[BirdsWife]

I don't know how much detail you want to go into, but I would be curious to know:

1) Was your girlfriend always this way about sex, or did things change after you two had been together for a while or after she had the kids?

2) What was her answer when you asked her why she wouldn' t touch or hold you anymore? Was her response more centered around your behavior ("Every time I kiss you, you automatically want to have sex") or hers ("I don't feel as sexy as I did before the kids came along")?

3) How old are you, her and the kids, and how long have you been together? Is this the first serious relationship for one or both of you?

4) Are there other problems in the relationship that could be contributing to the no sex situation, such as financial troubles, a lack of self-esteem or a problem with drugs or alcohol?

It seems to me that you have three choices:

A) Stay with her and be faithful to the relationship. As you said, though, we all need a physical and sexual part to our lives, and more importantly, the intimacy that goes along with that part. It is imperitive in a healthy relationship to know that your partner desires you and wants you, and if you are not getting that, then your resentment and bitterness toward the situation will eventually poison your relationship. Although you may think that staying together in this situation for the sake of the kids is the best thing to do, they are not stupid by any means, and as they get older they will model their own relationships on the one you have with your SO. Do you really want them growing up thinking that it is normal for two people who are supposedly in love to not touch or be affectionate toward each other?

B) Stay with her and go outside the relationship to fulfill your sexual needs. Even if she has said, "If you do ... just dont get her pregnant or let me know", this is a recipe for disaster. Why? Well, first of all, there is no birth control that is 100% effective except abstinance (and perhaps sterilization), so you risk a pregnancy every time you have sex. What would you do if your "friend with benefits, lover, fuck buddy" did end up pregnant? Also, what would your girlfriend do if she did find out about your "friend"?

You would also need to be careful about the person you get involved with. AIDS and STDs aside, what about the emotional connection that might evolve from your sexual relationship? More than one fuck buddy or friends with benefits relationship has gone bad because one or both of the partners ended up having stonger feelings than they anticipated.

And last, what about your own set of values? From what little you have posted, you obviously don't want to resort to this choice, or you would have just gone out and done it instead of asking others for their opinions or advice. Will you be able to handle sneaking around behind your girlfriend's back and lying to her face, because that is what you are in for if you decide to do this.

C) Leave your girlfriend and find someone with whom you are more compatible. If you have really sat down and tried to discuss this problem with her, but she has refused to compromise or take your feelings into account, then you need to ask yourself why you would want to stay with such a person anyway. Have you asked her to try some type of counseling to maybe find out why she no longer wants to be intimate?

As I said before, kids are not stupid and if you think that staying together for their sake is what is best then you are fooling yourself. I bet that there has been a least one time where you have taken out your frustration with your girlfriend on those kids. It may not have been intentional, but the hurt and anger over being rejected by the one you love can be pretty strong, and those feelings are going to show up in other parts of your life sooner or later.

What is best for kids is for them to have two happy parents. If you are in a situation that is making you unhappy then as their parent and role model you have a duty to them to find a solution that will be best for everyone involved. Only you can decide what that solution is, and I certainly wish you the best of luck in finding it.

Sincerely,
BirdsWife

 

[kure]

Thx for the advice and the conciderable thought you have put into my problem birdswife!

I do appreciate your thoughts. You are right in the fact that I havent provided many specific details. It was intentional, I needed to find out if people actually cared enough to share/advise or even participate. I fugured if this worked I could provide more details.

So. Here goes.

on Question 1
It actually started before children. (Ironcially the last 2 times we had sex she got pregnant) I am used to the sex slowing down when a relationship matures. But even in a stressful time. Sex happens on ocassion.

On Question 2
Neither is true. My advances were simply met with either "not interested" or just ignored. There really wasnt any positive or negative communication. Just a matter of fact "no"

On Question 3
Wow you really do want the details. I am 39 divorced 2 times (friends still with one) 2 kids from first marrage (not in contact with them they are in a different state) She is 32 but I am her longest relationship. The kids are 2 and 7 months (girls)

On Question 4
Good question. She has gained weight (i figure about 90 lbs) and she does sweat the money. But I suspect the total shutdown is more due to her background. It is in her families nature to become celebit upon having a child (both her mother and grandmother went over 10 years between children) Her mother lives on Soap Operas and now so does she. On the money. Things are tight but the bills get paid and we eat regularly.

On your suggestions.
Those are the obvious choices. But if the obious fit me and my situation. Then I wouldnt be asking for help.

But by asking for help I have found that I am not alone in my situation/choice. I have gotten a few PMs. It seems that I am not alone in willing to tough it out as a roommate and have a close friend who is also a lover. Or even an occasional playmate.

I would like to hear how some other people have delt with this.

Again. I thank you for your concern. I truly appreciate it BW

p.s. I love your picture.