What would you do?

[Guest]

Carrington by Tristesse

I found this compelling because I have always been fascinated by Dora Carrington. This poem has something to say, and I think this poet could tighten this up and turn this into a great poem. Not one of her best poems, but definitely worth reading.

Cordelia's quite right. I turned this in too soon. It needs work and I am doing it, but what would you do to improve it?

 

[ffreak]

I beg to differ. I like the concise nature of the poem - maybe it requires insider knowledge of the character for appreciation, but you can only lengthen it and delve into more feelings - which would not be bad, just not necessary, in my opinion.

Every writer looks at what they have written and when they let it loose into the world, they may do so with closed eyes hoping it is acceptable to someone, or they may release it with pride, knowing in their heart that it is the best work they have done. Later, when they have begun to write something else that they know is far better than what has escaped before, they can see every blemish, every hole, every unintended misdirection and know they could improve upon their work. This is normal.

All this to say, do with your work what you will. I await your next poem or rewrite with gleeful anticipation.

-FF

 

[The_Fool]

So why am I trying to change this? I don’t know, stupidity I guess. You asked for possible changes. I have given you my interpretation based on words only. I enjoyed the poem as it was, but understand the need to hone. Please take these comments in the positive manner that I intend them. I merely looked at how I would phrase a particular thought based on the vision I received from the words. I have also added punctuation so that I could emphasize the breaks.

Best wishes,

Fool

Always outside
Looking inward

When I read phrase looking inward, I think of introspection first. I assume you refer first to looking in the window and looking inside herself as a subtle meaning. I would probably say:

Always outside
Looking in.


The lighted cottage window
The loving couples
Happy

Here I would probably drop the articles, change the plural of couples to singular:

Lighted cottage window.
Loving couple,
Happy.

Alone in the autumn garden
You stood watching
Lost
Once more

Here I would change the sequence of the first line and break it into two. I think “Alone” needs to stand out more.

In the autumn garden,
Alone,
You stood watching.
Lost,
Once More.

The pain of loss seared you so
Unbearable
You tried
But it overwhelmed
Drowned you

Changing sequence, splitting thoughts:

Pain of loss,
So unbearable,
Seared you.
You tried,
But overwhelmed,
It drowned you.

Dora
They tried to understand
The complicated desires
Your loneliness
But you eluded them
In the end
Only your art remains

Personal preference of phrasing only:

Dora,
They tried to understand,
But you eluded them,
With complicated desires
And loneliness.
In the end,
Only your art remains.

 

[Guest]

My thanks to you both. I took some of The Fools ideas and went further. What do you think?

Carrington.

Always in the dark
Looking in
The lighted cottage window
Loving couples
Happy

Lost
In the autumn garden
She stood alone
Watching
Once more

Unbearable
Grief seared her
She fought
But drowned
Overwhelmed

They tried to understand
Embrace
Dora’s desires
Staunch the flow
Of loneliness
But she eluded them
In the end
Leaving us her art

 

[OT]

My thanks to you both. I took some of The Fools ideas and went further. What do you think?

Would it flow better if you make the 2nd stanza the first?

Your revised version feels tighter than the first (tight is good). It still feels a bit cluttered, but that could be because I don't know Dora (color me uncultured ).

random food for thought:
Can you drop "in the end" ?

And
"Unbearable
Grief seared her
She fought
But drowned
Overwhelmed
"
Can you drop the word Overwhelmed ?
Or Drop "But Drowned" and say She fought but was overwhelmed?

(just poking to maybe help you see it with fresh eyes, I'm just thinking out loud.)

The poem as is has a soft melocholy feel; Too much tightening may wreck the mood.

 

[Guest]

Thanks OT - I'm still tweaking and poking. I agree that it's in danger of losing the feeling I want to give, but I think "in the end" should go.

 

[ffreak]

OK, obviously I need to study more. I like both versions. I'm going to print this thread out and read it until I understand it better.

-FF (rank amateur)

 

[Guest]

OK, obviously I need to study more. I like both versions. I'm going to print this thread out and read it until I understand it better.

-FF (rank amateur)